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I’ve been having an affair for the past 12 years and I am now giving serious thought in leaving my husband


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Should I leave ? 
 

I have been married to a wonderful man for 23 years with 2 children who have now got their own lives away from the family home. I am ashamed to admit I’ve been having an affair for the past 12 years and I am now giving serious thought in leaving my husband, we live together like friends as I don’t wish for anything more, but I can see I am being so selfish staying here, but I really do not want to hurt my husband or my children, I feel I will hurt him if I stay and hurt him if I go, he deserves a full relationship and I don’t feel that way anymore, any advice is appreciated. 

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12 minutes ago, Ros said:

I’ve been having an affair for the past 12 years and I am now giving serious thought in leaving my husband.

Is your lover single? How often do you see each other? Do you work together?

The first step is to privately and confidentially consult an attorney to discuss your options in divorce. 

Is your husband having affairs also? How is it that you've been "living as friends" for 12 years?

This isn't about fear of hurting your husband and children. If it were, you wouldn't be sneaking around. If you are unhappy, and wish to be single, simply get divorced.

 

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43 minutes ago, Ros said:

have been married to a wonderful man for 23 years with 2 children who have now got their own lives away from the family home.

Didn't sound so wonderful to you.

Why have you been living like friends? What got the relationship to this point? 

And yep. Be honest with yourself and end this toxic dynamic. Enough is enough.

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You may want to ask yourself if your affair partner's thoughts or choices are enticing you to leave your husband. Has your partner outside the marriage said anything about moving away with you, starting a new life together or promising you things outside of your existing marriage? Is he single or also married? 

It's tempting to be caught up with a fantasy illustrated by someone else who feels the same way about you. Think this through carefully as it may be only that - a complete fantasy. What he says and what he offers, for example, may be an illusion. 

Are you financially secure or able to stand on your own two feet should both relationships fail? If you can answer yes to this and feel emotionally and mentally ready, also financially prepared, then you are making a decision on your own terms, not on promises and empty illusions.

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  • kamurj changed the title to I’ve been having an affair for the past 12 years and I am now giving serious thought in leaving my husband
1 hour ago, Ros said:

we live together like friends

Did/does your husband not find anything odd about this arrangement over twelve years?   You say you don't wish for "anything more".  But, what about your husband? Does he not wish for "anything more" either?  

You say you "don't wish for anything more".  Well,evidently you do wish for it, seeing as how you are having an affair for 12 years. 

Your husband is, I wager, well aware of your 12-year affair.  

It all strikes me as rather odd. 

 

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12 years?  I would immediately assume your husband is aware of your decade long affair and probably has one going himself, which may be why you two live as friends.  

Sounds like it would be a relief for both of you to just come clean and move on, especially since the kids are grown now.

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4 hours ago, Ros said:

Should I leave ? 
 

I have been married to a wonderful man for 23 years with 2 children who have now got their own lives away from the family home. I am ashamed to admit I’ve been having an affair for the past 12 years and I am now giving serious thought in leaving my husband, we live together like friends as I don’t wish for anything more, but I can see I am being so selfish staying here, but I really do not want to hurt my husband or my children, I feel I will hurt him if I stay and hurt him if I go, he deserves a full relationship and I don’t feel that way anymore, any advice is appreciated. 

You ask for any advice... 

After 12 years of secrets what's the point of staying?  

Is everything just convenient? Does hubs know or suspect?  Is he having an affair, too? 

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Wonder if your husband would agree that you've been living as "just friends" or if he would be in for quite a surprise at this kind of a description of his marriage. Such a typical cheater line you are using there OP trying minimize your bs while attempting to gain people's sympathy.

Anyway, if you cared about your family, you wouldn't have spend the past 12 years cheating on them. Doing the right thing in terms of divorce seems a bit overdue. So yes, get a divorce and if you really care, then walk away with nothing. Let your husband have everything - house, money, pensions, etc. Tell him why. That would be one tiny step in righting over a decade of lies and deceit. Are you prepared to do that? Doubt it. You are too selfish for that. Duping your family is so much more thrilling.

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My wife cheated on me after 20 years together.  I caught her a few months in and have been divorced for over 10 years now.  I actually owe her a big thank you but she will never hear me say it.  She was a selfish lying person that put herself first even before our disabled son.  I have been happier these last 10 years than nearly anytime with her.

  My advice.  Tell your husband the marriage is no longer what it was and you are no longer in love with him and you want him to have the chance to find someone to share his life with that truly loves him.  Be as gentle and fair about splitting everything up and hope your children never find out what you have done to their father.

  You have been a selfish lying spouse for 12 years, I think you owe him the freedom from you.  He may not think you are doing him a favor at first but in time he will trust me.

  Don't be surprised if your bf isn't interested any longer after you are free...

  Lost

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Look @Rosthis may sound harsh but if you truly care for your husband and your two kids that make up your family more than you have shown for the past 12 years(more than half) of your marriage. Just divorce him and say you just don't feel the same way and want to move on.

It still amazes me how people come on here and the first sentence they say is I am married to a wonderful man/woman. Then in the next sentence like you I have been having an affair for 12 years. Unreal!

A couple of questions @Rosif you don't mind. I assume the 12 year affair is with the same guy? Hopefully you are not adding insult to injury and having multiple men. If it is the same man, why have you guys not moved in together or married? Let me guess he is married as well or he does not make as much as your husband and you don't want to change your lifestyle. The old "have your cake and eat it too".

But seriously please just divorce your husband quietly and move on with your lover or just on your own but don't tell him and your kids now that you lied and deceived them and took time away from them for most of your kids life and over half of your husband's married life. It is evident after 12 years you are not going to stop your affair and focus on as you say "wonderful man" or hurt your children.

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To be honest I feel like you not leaving is for your own sake. Maybe because you're scared or because you're trying to alleviate your guilt. It would only be beneficial to your husband and in fact would have been very beneficial 12 years ago. If he's a wonderful person then why are you doing this to him? Of course he was also free to leave and obviously chose not to. Your children are adults and don't even live at home anymore. So it's not about your children, it's about you. 

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If you do decide to leave your husband, I very much doubt the OM will welcome you with open arms.  I'm not sure if this guy is your cheating partner, yet if he is do you feel he could trust you, and vice versa.

Either way, after 12 years of messing around on your husband, you owe it to him to set him free, and allow him to find someone who understands the definition of marriage vows.

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2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Such a typical cheater line you are using there OP trying minimize your bs while attempting to gain people's sympathy.

Anyway, if you cared about your family, you wouldn't have spend the past 12 years cheating on them. Doing the right thing in terms of divorce seems a bit overdue. So yes, get a divorce and if you really care, then walk away with nothing. Let your husband have everything - house, money, pensions, etc. Tell him why. That would be one tiny step in righting over a decade of lies and deceit. Are you prepared to do that? Doubt it. You are too selfish for that. Duping your family is so much more thrilling.

^ All of this.  I had to specifically log in just to rep this post.  It's worth repeating.  Totally nailed it. I don't understand how people who do this can even sleep at night.  Mind Blowing.

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10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Husband is well aware of the state of your love life together, so why not ask HIM if he'd prefer, now that the kids are grown, to be free to find someone who will love him the way he deserves?

Exactly Cat.  (the OP hasn't been back!). 

My reading of all this, and I could be wrong, is that the husband is aware of the situation. And/or there are other facets to this situation. 

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