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Worried my friend will spill my secrets to my boyfriend


Butterflyalwaysx
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5 hours ago, Butterflyalwaysx said:

Hi Lost, thank you for your reply. In retrospect, I don’t believe I ever had any romantic or sexual feelings towards Rose. I was mixed up and confused because I admire(d) her a lot and I guess wrongly thought it was attraction I was feeling for her. 
 

I never told my boyfriend because I was confused and I wanted to figure it out before telling him anything. Now I know I definitely do not see Rose in a romantic way. 

I can understand being confused about feelings.  Since this is the only relationship you have ever known and I am sure you were young when it all started you have some unanswered questions in the back of your mind. 

  Those need to be answered BEFORE you buy a house and move away together.  Being concerned for your bf's well being is a good thing but it cannot be at the expense of yours.  Will you just eat your feelings for the rest of your life?  How miserable a life to live on top of being extremely unhealthy.

I am not saying dump your bf and start dating women but I am saying you need to know yourself before you can commit to a life with him or anyone forever.  If you are sure of your sexual preference or your bf is well aware you may be bisexual and is okay with it then all is good but if you are unsure perhaps you should slow down things while you figure it out.

  He may be somewhat fragile but you cannot give up who you are on the chance he will not take it well.

As far as the friend with your secrets goes just let the friendship fade away.  Anything else will just attract attention to the one thing you want to avoid.

  Perhaps you should start a thread about your relationship with your bf. It sounds somewhat dysfunctional.

Lost

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Why are you buying a house with your boyfriend? Do you plan on marrying? Are you with him because "it's been 7 years?"  Nice and sweet and caring -but on the other hand he thinks if you wear shorts it will trigger this other guy's attention and therefore you're not to wear them.  Huh? Doesn't he trust you to make appropriate choices? Do you plan on having children with him?  If so would you be comfortable with him giving your daughter the message that she has to dress so as not to invite male attention because if she does somehow it's her fault and/or she won't know how to react?

What if you get a job where you have a business trip where one of the activities is beach volleyball - or a similar team building activity? Are you going to have to decline because your boyfriend wouldn't approve?

How much of this is you're with him because it's too hard to look for someone else/you're afraid of being alone?

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13 hours ago, Butterflyalwaysx said:

I am tempted to tell my boyfriend everything, but I look stupid.

I dunno, I don't really think of girl crushes as a big deal. They're kind of 'in' these days ... or 'out,' if you want to think of it that way.

I'd just diffuse this. I'd ask BF, "How much have I ever told you about my friend Rose from X company?"

Listen to learn his perceptions--or lack thereof.

Then you can fill him in. "Well, she's older, and I used to think of her as like a celebrity at the company. Then I found out she was really generous and kind. I couldn't believe she was willing to spend some of her time taking walks with me and investing in me like a mentor. I always wanted to be more like her--and now I really miss her. Would you mind if we book some time with her one of these weekends?"

See what he says. If he's up for it, great--go meet her for a nice meal or something. If not, then tell him you'd like to coordinate his time with his buddies so you can go have some girl time with her.

From this point forward, anything that gets back to him about your girl crush would just be water under the bridge--like a big, so what?

 

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14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to project this much. If your depression/anxiety has gotten this bad hopefully  you have seen doctors and therapists for this. 

His world will not end if you break up. Where do you see this relationship going?

No I haven't seen anyone for any help. I still live with my parents and siblings who are extremely nosey about my whereabouts to the point if I were to visit a therapist they would want to know etc. I cannot lie and pretend I am elsewhere because they would probably track my phone.

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13 hours ago, greendots said:

Why keep toxic people in your life out of fear? Remove, remove, remove. At most, only to be polite and keep the peace, you unfollow them on social media instead of deleting them.

By the way, even the nicest and greatest of friends might not be able to keep confidential stuff, confidential. So, it's good to vet which one's spill the tea and which ones don't.

Anyhow, as others have suggested, before you confess anything to anyone think about what you really want and you might want to consider seeing a psychologist / therapist so they help you deal with what you're going through. One step at a time. You've got this! 🙂

Hi Greendots, thanks for the response! I am reluctant to block and remove Emily from my social media because at the moment things between us are okay and I don't want to rock the boat because that might mean she will tell people about Rose, and she has proof. This is definitely a lesson learnt to not share secrets with anyone whom I don't know well. 

I am thinking about seeing a therapist in the coming months so they can help me through everything. 

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10 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I can understand being confused about feelings.  Since this is the only relationship you have ever known and I am sure you were young when it all started you have some unanswered questions in the back of your mind. 

  Those need to be answered BEFORE you buy a house and move away together.  Being concerned for your bf's well being is a good thing but it cannot be at the expense of yours.  Will you just eat your feelings for the rest of your life?  How miserable a life to live on top of being extremely unhealthy.

I am not saying dump your bf and start dating women but I am saying you need to know yourself before you can commit to a life with him or anyone forever.  If you are sure of your sexual preference or your bf is well aware you may be bisexual and is okay with it then all is good but if you are unsure perhaps you should slow down things while you figure it out.

  He may be somewhat fragile but you cannot give up who you are on the chance he will not take it well.

As far as the friend with your secrets goes just let the friendship fade away.  Anything else will just attract attention to the one thing you want to avoid.

  Perhaps you should start a thread about your relationship with your bf. It sounds somewhat dysfunctional.

Lost

Hi Lost, 

Me and my partner have been together since we were 16. Back then I had a different account on here and I would post regularly about my misery and anxiety because it was a very unhealthy relationship. He would cheat on me and speak to other girls, and we would break up and get back together a lot. About four years ago we ended breaking up and I had enough so I moved on and spoke to another guy, and my partner got very mad and jealous and from that we ended up getting back together and have been together since. From that day on he completely changed and did a 180, he is a very caring, considerate and loving person, who continually supports me. 

I am not 100% sure of my sexuality that's correct, but it's not necessarily something I want to explore at the cost of breaking up with my boyfriend. As for Emily, I am in the process of distancing myself from her and not seeing her in person. I will definitely start a new thread regarding my relationship.

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10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why are you buying a house with your boyfriend? Do you plan on marrying? Are you with him because "it's been 7 years?"  Nice and sweet and caring -but on the other hand he thinks if you wear shorts it will trigger this other guy's attention and therefore you're not to wear them.  Huh? Doesn't he trust you to make appropriate choices? Do you plan on having children with him?  If so would you be comfortable with him giving your daughter the message that she has to dress so as not to invite male attention because if she does somehow it's her fault and/or she won't know how to react?

What if you get a job where you have a business trip where one of the activities is beach volleyball - or a similar team building activity? Are you going to have to decline because your boyfriend wouldn't approve?

How much of this is you're with him because it's too hard to look for someone else/you're afraid of being alone?

Yes the plan is to live together and one day get married. We have a substantial amount of money saved for a house, and we have a plan to buy somewhere together in the next year or two. I think he doesn't trust men around me, I think that is his issue as opposed to not trusting my choices. 

I guess I haven't really thought of anything different. My parents have been together since they were teenagers. They have had a very unhealthy relationship with physical, emotional abuse as well as cheating involved from my mother. They are of the impression, and so are my siblings, that if the relationship isn't that bad, then I have no reason to complain or reason to look elsewhere. I cannot justify leaving my boyfriend just because he doesn't trust other men, or because we have been together young. I'm not afraid of being alone I don't think, rather afraid of hurting my boyfriend and our family. As stated previously, he is very insecure and if we were to break up, I fear it would destroy his mental health and he may do something stupid like harm himself. Additionally, my family and siblings are very much involved in our relationship, and they would make my life a misery if I was to end things, I would never hear the end of it. 

My boyfriend isn't abusive, horrible to me etc, and for the most part we get along extremely well. He is my best friend, and from that, I see no reason to end the relationship.

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7 minutes ago, Butterflyalwaysx said:

 Back then I had a different account on here and I would post regularly about my misery and anxiety because it was a very unhealthy relationship.

What was your username then?

If you are so miserable, it's not going to get better until you see a physician for the moods, anxiety, suicidal thoughts,etc. and get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

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6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I dunno, I don't really think of girl crushes as a big deal. They're kind of 'in' these days ... or 'out,' if you want to think of it that way.

I'd just diffuse this. I'd ask BF, "How much have I ever told you about my friend Rose from X company?"

Listen to learn his perceptions--or lack thereof.

Then you can fill him in. "Well, she's older, and I used to think of her as like a celebrity at the company. Then I found out she was really generous and kind. I couldn't believe she was willing to spend some of her time taking walks with me and investing in me like a mentor. I always wanted to be more like her--and now I really miss her. Would you mind if we book some time with her one of these weekends?"

See what he says. If he's up for it, great--go meet her for a nice meal or something. If not, then tell him you'd like to coordinate his time with his buddies so you can go have some girl time with her.

From this point forward, anything that gets back to him about your girl crush would just be water under the bridge--like a big, so what?

 

Hi Catfeeder, thank you for the reply!

I would definitely tell him about Rose, however Emily does have photographic and voice recording proof of me expressing interest in Rose in a more-than-friendly manner. I fear that if I were to bring Rose up in discussion with my boyfriend, if it does all come out that I used to have a crush on her, he wouldn't take it well. I guess I want to try and distance myself from Rose as well and try and forget and move on from everything.

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12 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I can understand being confused about feelings.  Since this is the only relationship you have ever known and I am sure you were young when it all started you have some unanswered questions in the back of your mind. 

  Those need to be answered BEFORE you buy a house and move away together.  Being concerned for your bf's well being is a good thing but it cannot be at the expense of yours.  Will you just eat your feelings for the rest of your life?  How miserable a life to live on top of being extremely unhealthy.

I am not saying dump your bf and start dating women but I am saying you need to know yourself before you can commit to a life with him or anyone forever.  If you are sure of your sexual preference or your bf is well aware you may be bisexual and is okay with it then all is good but if you are unsure perhaps you should slow down things while you figure it out.

  He may be somewhat fragile but you cannot give up who you are on the chance he will not take it well.

As far as the friend with your secrets goes just let the friendship fade away.  Anything else will just attract attention to the one thing you want to avoid.

  Perhaps you should start a thread about your relationship with your bf. It sounds somewhat dysfunctional.

Lost

Hi there, I think you should cut ties with Emily if she is as toxic as you say, and I also think that you are worrying over something that is completely out of your control. If Emily wanted to out you, she would have already. I don't think there is anything to confess to your boyfriend at this point because you have not done anything wrong. I also think that you need to work on your self-esteem, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, believe in yourself!

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2 hours ago, Butterflyalwaysx said:

I cannot lie and pretend I am elsewhere because they would probably track my phone.

What?! No one can track your phone. You have to learn how to set boundaries with family AND your bf. 

I don't think he's that great man you're talking about. And a lot of what you've written is full of red flags (jealousy, stares, the fact you don't feel safe and trusted).

From what I'm reading, you need to be single. For a long while.

You call him one day and break up. You block him afterwards (to cut communication and doubts). Say you're not feeling this and do not mention your crush/whatever. You are not responsible for his mental health. You are not responsible for how he'll react. You are responsible for YOU. And I understand it's hard because he's your first.

You have family for support. If they insist on you going back to him, you draw the line. Say NO. They are unhealthy too. I'm sorry, but if you don't do this now, then it'll happen later: divorce, health problems,.. and it'll be more costly for everyone involved.

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19 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

What?! No one can track your phone. You have to learn how to set boundaries with family AND your bf. 

I don't think he's that great man you're talking about. And a lot of what you've written is full of red flags (jealousy, stares, the fact you don't feel safe and trusted).

From what I'm reading, you need to be single. For a long while.

You call him one day and break up. You block him afterwards (to cut communication and doubts). Say you're not feeling this and do not mention your crush/whatever. You are not responsible for his mental health. You are not responsible for how he'll react. You are responsible for YOU. And I understand it's hard because he's your first.

You have family for support. If they insist on you going back to him, you draw the line. Say NO. They are unhealthy too. I'm sorry, but if you don't do this now, then it'll happen later: divorce, health problems,.. and it'll be more costly for everyone involved.

Hi DarkCh0c0, thanks for the reply. The tracking the phone situation stems from the fact my mum cheated on my dad when we were toddlers and I guess the whole family are wary of each other. They have find my iPhone on. I have managed to turn mine off, but if I were to go out the house without an explanation or they thought I was lying they’d question and question and question me, making out I’m some sort of cheat and liar until I told them where I was. 

I am in my last year of my masters programme at the moment, and my plan is to move out from my house and my hometown next year. I would have needed to anyway because there aren’t any jobs in the field in my hometown. I think it’ll be then when we break up. When I do end up breaking up with him, would you suggest doing it over the phone or in person? 

I don’t think it would do my mental health any good if I were to break up with him whilst I’m still living at home etc. I want a good and solid plan in place first. My family are not supportive, they are toxic, manipulative and suffocating. 
 

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2 hours ago, Butterflyalwaysx said:

I still live with my parents and siblings who are extremely nosey about my whereabouts to the point if I were to visit a therapist they would want to know etc. I cannot lie and pretend I am elsewhere because they would probably track my phone.

So? You need a physician and therapist to address your physical and mental health. Particularly suicidal thoughts, paranoid thinking, etc..

Yes, if your parents are supporting you and paying for your phone, they can see where you are, so lying about everything is just more deviant behavior.

Are you taking drugs? Is this what you are hiding ? Or having sex with this BF? 

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46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So? You need a physician and therapist to address your physical and mental health. Particularly suicidal thoughts, paranoid thinking, etc..

Yes, if your parents are supporting you and paying for your phone, they can see where you are, so lying about everything is just more deviant behavior.

Are you taking drugs? Is this what you are hiding ? Or having sex with this BF? 

I completely agree, I will start to contact local therapists in my area this month. My parents do not pay for my phone, I do. No I do not smoke nor take drugs, nor have I ever drank alcohol. As stated previously, my parents have trust issues because they have both cheated on each other in the past, and the distrust has transferred onto us. And yes I do have sex with my boyfriend. 
 

I think the issue regarding therapy is because they would laugh at me and take the piss out of me if they knew I was having therapy. They would think I’m weak-willed and a snowflake and they wouldn’t take me seriously. 

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3 hours ago, Butterflyalwaysx said:

As stated previously, he is very insecure and if we were to break up, I fear it would destroy his mental health and he may do something stupid like harm himself. Additionally, my family and siblings are very much involved in our relationship, and they would make my life a misery if I was to end things, I would never hear the end of it. 

My boyfriend isn't abusive, horrible to me etc, and for the most part we get along extremely well. He is my best friend, and from that, I see no reason to end the relationship.

Is that really how low your standards are -and you're going to enter into buying property with this person -and before marriage? Really? Honestly it sounds like you're scraping the bottom of the barrel.  How about "I want to marry someone I love, who loves me, and we show each other love regularly with small and big actions, we have chemistry and passion and also have our own interests and lives.  He is my best friend, I feel at home with him"  The "well he doesn't abuse me and we get along well -with the downsides being your family would be annoyed if you ended the relationship and he would need to seek psychiatric help apparently.  Really? 

My son is 12 and we talk about his goals as far as marriage and family and if he ever said to me he'd settle for being with someone out of fear that if he left his partner and family would be upset so if the person doesn't abuse him and they get along ok -well that's good enough for him. 

Because that's what your children will absorb from their mother -they may not know all but they see /absorb things.  My son used to call "divorced" "divided" when he heard of his friends' parents getting divorced -he's right - it's "divided" - you and your long term partner are "divided" on what's important because your foundation is based mostly on fear of what would happen if you left, not affirmative love and passion and a desire to give to each other. 

For sure please do not buy property with him if you are not married.

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47 minutes ago, Butterflyalwaysx said:

My parents do not pay for my phone, I do. 

I think the issue regarding therapy is because they would laugh at me and take the piss out of me if they knew I was having therapy.

So they can't track you. Go to a physician. Why do you have to report that to your parents? You're and adult and work.  You are making excuses, because if you are over 18 they are not involved in your healthcare.

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

So they can't track you. Go to a physician. Why do you have to report that to your parents? You're and adult and work.  You are making excuses, because if you are over 18 they are not involved in your healthcare.

This and also OP you can do telehealth.  No need to go anywhere in particular.

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OP if you have enough $ to think about buying a house then move out so you can live like an adult person and get perspective - move and do what you need to do to restrict your family's access to you.  When I finally moved out at 28 after finishing grad school - not a dysfunctional family - it was a new world I had no idea I was missing out on, especially 100% financial responsibilities and independence. Helped me with my relationship choices too.

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2 hours ago, Butterflyalwaysx said:

When I do end up breaking up with him, would you suggest doing it over the phone or in person? 

I don’t think it would do my mental health any good if I were to break up with him whilst I’m still living at home etc. I want a good and solid plan in place first. My family are not supportive, they are toxic, manipulative and suffocating.

I'm aware they are toxic. But for now, you'll have a roof over your head with them and you're focusing on your study.

You break up with him asap (why wait until you move out and drag him in this? You have to be honest with yourself and him. You owe to him), however you feel like it. If face to face is too much for you, you do it by phone BUT you have to be sure and you have to be committed to never going back to him. You choose yourself for now and a better healthier future. You can click him every where and since your family is toxic, of they say anything "he wants to see you blabla" you draw a line and say no. You'll have to be strong for yourself.

Once you'll get to move out with a job in line, you'll see how life is and how much more healthy it can be. You'll treat yourself better and you won't accept anyone that treats you like your bf. Once you leave toxic, you won't want to go back. But now you're in it and it's hard to see the other side. But your inner voice knows that this isn't the life you want (with bf). So you're on track. Follow your inner voice and don't let anyone (friends or family or bf) tell you that it's not valid or make you doubt yourself.

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On 9/13/2021 at 10:24 AM, Butterflyalwaysx said:

Hi Smackie9, thanks for the reply. I am worried to death what his reaction would be if he found out. I don’t want to hurt him, and I know he would be very confused and freaked out by it all. He doesn’t seem very accepting and even if I did explain I don’t have feelings for Rose, the mere thought I would even question it would freak him out. He is insecure already, so this on top of it would really ruin his self-esteem. I am petrified of him viewing me as a freak or different. When I was a teenager my family found out about me having a crush on a girl and they said so many disgusting and rude things to me that I became suicidal. I can’t bare the thought of him looking at me with disgust like my family did. 

We’ve been together 7 years, he is the sweetest, most caring person ever and I don’t want him to look at me differently. I worry he could end up suicidal if I ever did choose to leave him and I feel incredibly guilty.

This is an unhealthy perspective. The questions and feelings you have about your own sexuality should never be looked at as shameful/disgusting/hurtful/ guilty, etc. You really need to find a safe place and talk about this with a professional or find a LGBTQ support group. You owe it to yourself, and him.

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17 hours ago, Butterflyalwaysx said:

I am thinking about seeing a therapist in the coming months so they can help me through everything.

That's great news! I think this will totally help you. Besides, you don't need to disclose every little detail about your whereabouts to friends and family. This is something you're doing for you.

 

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On 9/13/2021 at 1:26 PM, Butterflyalwaysx said:

I’ve been with him 7 years, we are saving up to buy a house next year and move away. He has been my only boyfriend and I worry to death that if we did break up for whatever reason that he would hate me and be disgusted and his mental health would plummet. 
 

I don’t see a good reason why we would break up however just because it’s our first relationship, or why I would maybe need to rethink it. Please can you elaborate?

Do not buy a house with him. Only buy a house with a man you are marrying (there is a wedding date plannned). Otherwise, buy your own house, or he buys his (whether you both live there, or one of you does).  Many people stay in relatonships just because of a house.

Its a red flag to me that you are worried his mental health is dependent on what you do or say.   I think you feel obligated and trapped - you are so worried about him being upset at you for things that you shouldn't worry about if you were with a mentally healthy person.    You are walking on eggshells.

I think you honestly need to seek counseling - DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM and maybe even take a break to figure out what is mentally healthy.

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