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A girl I was dating was using me for attention - need advice


tassel
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So I (late 20s guy) started dating a girl (mid 20s) when I was back to my home country for summer vacation. When I think about everything that happened, it seems that most likely she was just using me for attention and did not want a relationship. Would appreciate any advice on this.

A bit of background - I am from Eastern Europe but have studied abroad and now work in a major city in Europe. I would say I am better than average looking but am a shy and introverted and have not been doing that well with women lately, save for the occasional tinder date here and there. She has also studied abroad and now lives in my home country. She is beautiful, well educated, interesting, open to experiences and actually maybe overall a bit better than the women I would typically get. She is a woman with a lot of options. We are also pretty different as she is very social, likes to have fun at clubs and share her life on instagram. She also works remotely and spends about 3 months traveling around Europe every summer. She is definitely a thrill seeker and I, on the other hand, prefer a more quiet life of work and simple pleasures. I would describe her as a great summer fling but a headache for a long-term relationship. Nevertheless, I was intent on making something work.

We met on tinder and our first date did not look that promising as I was probably not able to make her feel attracted to me. She shared that her long-term relationship had ended two months ago and we talked about general life things. But a few days later she agreed to go on a second date. It turned out to be just me picking her up from a bar where she was with some friends. We had a very long make out session on the beach and started talking about sexual things. She shared that she wanted to have a threesome with two guys which I dismissed at the time. At the end of the night, she wanted to go home although I invited her over. A few days later we met again after she had dinner with friends, went for a drink at a bar and then we slept together. Sex was great as she is very passionate. We saw each other a couple more times but mostly had sex and it was almost always a last-minute thing and at a time that worked for her. But all the time she was texting me so much I could barely put my phone down. She was always saying that she liked me, wanted to be with me and how I am the only man she can think of. I obviously wanted to believe it and responded with similar things but I had a gut feeling that I cannot trust her. Although initially she said I am the first guy after her long-term relationship, in one of our long conversations she admitted that she met another guy just before me, they slept together a few times but now were just friends.

I only had a few days before I had to travel back and she was going to a festival with her girlfriends. Unexpectedly, she invited me and I went for a day and spent the night with her. The next morning I had to go back to my hometown as I had to prepare for my trip back. We were both sad that we may not see each other again soon and started talking about her visiting me. We discussed being in a long-distance relationship and she seemed eager but would stop short of actually saying she wanted it, although she maintained I should not see anyone else.

I flew back and we were texting all the time. We would text sexy things and I asked her about the threesome with two guys as I wanted to see if she really meant it. It turns out she most likely would have done it if I was up for it. Although she said she would never do it if she had feelings for the person which made me feel bad. We got into a fight because I wanted her to admit that it was only sex between us but she said she really liked me and want to be with me, did not want any other guy, although she never agreed to be in a relationship. What she was saying was one thing but what she was showing was another. The biggest issue for me was that she maintained we should be exclusive and I should not see anyone else, but not in a formal relationship.

After a week or so she went on a vacation with a “girlfriend” and stopped texting often. Usually she would send a lot of pictures of her and the people she was with but this time she did not. I asked her about it but she was giving weird answers. Knowing a few things about her, I immediately thought that she might be with this other guy. I knew I could not trust her but wanted to make sure I give her the benefit of doubt before I cut her loose. I have a friend who was in the same city she was vacationing in and I asked him to see who she is with at the hotel. I was not thinking straight and now I feel embarrassed that I did that but I had to know the truth and whether I could trust her. Of course, it turned out she was with this other guy. I confronted her and she admitted it. Now she says she is creeped out by what I did (I admit it was not the right thing to do). I stopped responding but did not block her. She still says she wants to visit and she likes me and not the other guy but now I cannot trust anything she says.

I still think about her a lot because she is intriguing but realize there is almost certainly never going to be anything between us again.

Do you think it was obvious she was just using me for attention from the beginning? I know this is bad but can you find ANY justification for me asking my friend to spy on her? All of the trust is broken but do you think there is any hope for anything between us? Writing this out makes the situation even messier than it was in my mind.

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46 minutes ago, tassel said:

Do you think it was obvious she was just using me for attention from the beginning?

I think she is on the rebound from her last relationship. She seems to enjoy the attention, yes, but is attempting to fill the void her ex left behind. Not in the right mindset to date anyone seriously, anyway. 

46 minutes ago, tassel said:

can you find ANY justification for me asking my friend to spy on her?

Nope. I would have deleted and blocked you for that immediately. OP, this is really messed up and would tell me you have no boundaries and all sorts of red flags attached to you. You are not her boyfriend and it's creepy and way over-the-top to have sent your friend to spy on her. I am not sure what the hell you were thinking here, but you need to get a handle on yourself. There is zero justification for this. Just freakin' listen to your gut next time and end it, not deploy your buddy to spy on a girl you've dated a few weeks. 

46 minutes ago, tassel said:

but do you think there is any hope for anything between us?

Not anymore, no. You completely violated appropriate boundaries by spying on her, and she is clearly not serious about you and just wants something casual. There is too much damage done here, and her interest level does not match yours. She would not be going to visit other guys if she "really liked" you. Full stop. 

Learn from this, and move on. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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She started off as a casual partner and it moved quickly as a whirlwind romance. It seemed you were equally interested in the romance and sex so I don’t see how she used you. You liked her passionate nature so you used her too in a sense, didn’t you? You enjoyed each others’ company. You both also met on Tinder which is not exclusive to sex only dates or hook ups but it is very often the case. 

You feel upset that she was with someone else when she suggested you be exclusive at the end while you were together so I understand why you’re upset. Yet you already knew she was not relationship material. You hoped for something more even though your gut told you something else. If anything this is a case of you not listening to your good senses and ignoring all the red flags.

Regarding the spying.. A word of caution when it comes to trust or lack of trust, follow your instincts. The moment you feel the need to know more, spy, enlist the help of special agents and detectives (aka your dear friend in this case) or technology to expose someone, that’s when you step back and resolve to move on/break up.

There is nothing here for you. Don’t continue this downward spiral. You must know when to cut your losses. Expect more. Date someone locally also.

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4 hours ago, tassel said:

   she was just using me for attention from the beginning? justification for me asking my friend to spy on her? .

No one "used" anyone in this scenario. You both enjoyed some vacation fun, sex and a fling.

It was never intended to go long term or long distance. 

Friends spying on her?  Why? You don't owe each other anything. 

Stalking and harassment like that may be a crime in your or her areas. 

Get a handle on this. Your excessive jealousy and insecurities are something you can work on and improve.

Relax and start dating women locally.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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I would offer a different explanation. Who pays for that vacations of hers every year? She works remotely and all, but 3 months is still a lot to take. Always beware "travel type" girls. Because in a lot of cases, there is somebody behind paying for that travels. I think its very telling that even after not so good first date she still wanted you to maintain there. Almost like she saw you as an opportunity for something else. And how she wouldnt commit but insisted that you stay there for her. And even how, even after she was caught lying and all, she deflected that, was only hurt because you spying on her(not cool btw) and not about her being there with another man. And she still wanted to visit you even after that. I think you caught a classic case of opportunistic person. She lures couple of you with sex, one pays for her vacation, other she visits in a foreign country where she has a place to stay and somebody to pay for her etc. I dont think you were used for attention, she has a lot of that from everybody as it seems. But I think you maybe were used in other ways. And that she will stay there as long as there is an opportunity for her no matter what you or her did. Get away from persons like that in general. They are not a good fit for a partner and not really a settling type. If you are trying to settle and not just sex, avoid that type.

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7 hours ago, tassel said:

She is a woman with a lot of options. We are also pretty different as she is very social, likes to have fun at clubs and share her life on instagram. She also works remotely and spends about 3 months traveling around Europe every summer. She is definitely a thrill seeker

I can't even believe you thought a woman with these traits and personality would forego dating the numerous prospects of single men her age to stay faithful, and quite satisfied to see an exclusive, long-distance partner 2 to 4 times a year.

Your decision-making skills are in dire need of a major overhaul.

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I think that unfortunately even if she did like you for real and you liked her, how was it going to work? You live in another country and she actually also travels a lot. You said she's beautiful, well educated, popular, social, has many options of guys. The thing is if she was an unattractive girl who doesn't have many guys interested in her then yes maybe she would wait for you. If she has many options though, which it definitely seems she does because she was already with another guy on her trip, why would she settle for a guy in another country that she can't see much?

I think this girl sounds like a female version of a player or "Casanova" type. She just tells guys what they want to hear and acts really charming and passionate, but she's playing guys. I don't think she really wanted to be in a relationship because she never said she wanted to be in one with you, yet she didn't want you to see anyone else. She wanted to keep you as a back up plan while she's seeing other guys. Maybe she did want to visit you and enjoy visiting another country with free accommodation, you showing her around and getting sex. But it doesn't really look like she wanted it to be anything serious. She sounds like someone that wants to "have a guy in every port". It's possible she was telling the other guy all the same things, that she really likes him and so on.

What you did with your friend spying on her and stalking her WAS creepy. I'm surprised that your friend actually agreed to do it. The best thing to do now though I think is actually to block her on everything and move on. I don't think she was serious about you and she was lying to you. Why keep going after this girl anyway when you're not even in the same country.

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15 hours ago, tassel said:

We met on tinder and our first date did not look that promising as I was probably not able to make her feel attracted to me. She shared that her long-term relationship had ended two months ago and we talked about general life things. But a few days later she agreed to go on a second date. It turned out to be just me picking her up from a bar where she was with some friends. We had a very long make out session on the beach and started talking about sexual things. She shared that she wanted to have a threesome with two guys which I dismissed at the time.

It was basically a summer fling.. she was using you, I'd say.

I feel you KNEW inside this was a gonner, soon enough. So, is best to leave it all alone and yeah, get her off your 'friends' list.

She is so far from recovered from her last relationship & 'able' to give in a healthy manner.

She's moved on now and most likely will keep doing so, for a while until her emotions are depleted 😕 .

Someone like this needs some serious down time after a BU.

Have no more to do with this chicklet for your own mentality.. forget & move along.

 

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16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

 There is too much damage done here, and her interest level does not match yours. She would not be going to visit other guys if she "really liked" you. Full stop. 

Learn from this, and move on. 

I know this is the right thing to do but it is hard to do what is right

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16 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

She started off as a casual partner and it moved quickly as a whirlwind romance. It seemed you were equally interested in the romance and sex so I don’t see how she used you. You liked her passionate nature so you used her too in a sense, didn’t you? You enjoyed each others’ company. You both also met on Tinder which is not exclusive to sex only dates or hook ups but it is very often the case. 

Yes, I am not complaining about the whole situation. If the alternative was to never have met her I would not prefer that. At least it is some life experience. But the issue is she misled me as to what I could expect. Looking back I should have trusted my gut more and not trusted what she was saying. But again, I am happy about what happened, just not fully happy as it ended in such a way. 

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13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get a handle on this. Your excessive jealousy and insecurities are something you can work on and improve.

 

Yes, you are right. This is definitely something I should work on. But the thing is I am never jealous until I start seeing pretty evident signs something is off. I guess I should end it before I start investigating to uncover the truth at which point I get jealous.

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11 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I would offer a different explanation. Who pays for that vacations of hers every year? She works remotely and all, but 3 months is still a lot to take. Always beware "travel type" girls. Because in a lot of cases, there is somebody behind paying for that travels. I think its very telling that even after not so good first date she still wanted you to maintain there. Almost like she saw you as an opportunity for something else. And how she wouldnt commit but insisted that you stay there for her. And even how, even after she was caught lying and all, she deflected that, was only hurt because you spying on her(not cool btw) and not about her being there with another man. And she still wanted to visit you even after that. I think you caught a classic case of opportunistic person. She lures couple of you with sex, one pays for her vacation, other she visits in a foreign country where she has a place to stay and somebody to pay for her etc. I dont think you were used for attention, she has a lot of that from everybody as it seems. But I think you maybe were used in other ways. And that she will stay there as long as there is an opportunity for her no matter what you or her did. Get away from persons like that in general. They are not a good fit for a partner and not really a settling type. If you are trying to settle and not just sex, avoid that type.

This makes sense. I was thinking that she was mostly interested in visiting me and staying at my place. But honestly cannot imagine someone playing such a role so well to get something like that. More likely it was part of why she was interested but do not think it was the biggest part.

Do not think anyone pays for her travels. She has a decent job that pays well and traveling with low cost airlines throughout Europe is not that expensive.

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9 hours ago, Andrina said:

I can't even believe you thought a woman with these traits and personality would forego dating the numerous prospects of single men her age to stay faithful, and quite satisfied to see an exclusive, long-distance partner 2 to 4 times a year.

Your decision-making skills are in dire need of a major overhaul.

Yes, you are right. I was sensing this from the start but just did not want it to be true as I liked her a lot. Nevertheless, it was a nice experience that ended badly but still glad I had it and can learn from it.

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8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think that unfortunately even if she did like you for real and you liked her, how was it going to work? You live in another country and she actually also travels a lot. You said she's beautiful, well educated, popular, social, has many options of guys. The thing is if she was an unattractive girl who doesn't have many guys interested in her then yes maybe she would wait for you. If she has many options though, which it definitely seems she does because she was already with another guy on her trip, why would she settle for a guy in another country that she can't see much?

You are right but when in such a situation a person does not typically think logically. Although I am very analytical usually, in this situation I purposefully avoided thinking too much until the end.

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2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

It was basically a summer fling.. she was using you, I'd say.

I feel you KNEW inside this was a gonner, soon enough. So, is best to leave it all alone and yeah, get her off your 'friends' list.

She is so far from recovered from her last relationship & 'able' to give in a healthy manner.

She's moved on now and most likely will keep doing so, for a while until her emotions are depleted 😕 .

Someone like this needs some serious down time after a BU.

Have no more to do with this chicklet for your own mentality.. forget & move along.

 

Yes, she was in a very serious relationship until a few months ago. She said in the beginning she was looking for confirmation she is still liked by men, that is why she is going on dates. But I thought the thing with me was different. Maybe that explains everything

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