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Should we break up


erwinsmith8377198
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I F(18) have been dating my current boyfriend M(19) for about 6 months. We met at our old jobs and instantly clicked. I finally felt like I have met my other half. We both have had a toxic relationship before each other. We both ended up getting cheated on. Some things from the past are ending up in our relationship. We both think we met each other for a reason. That we both are finally in a healthy loving relationship. He truly makes me feel loved and I do love him with my whole heart but there has been some problems. I have the same problems with him and small things I ask for. It constantly feels like I'm repeating myself asking for the same thing.

His communication isn't the best and will not text me for hours at a time. He is very bad with plans, I tell him the date and time, he forgets and sometimes makes new plans. He is very bad with opening up and letting for a deeper connection happen. I have showed him that I am his support system and that I am here for him but it feels has he doesn't care. He finally found himself in a happy relationship where I mostly could care less about things he does and am not breathing down his neck. After my toxic relationship I sought therapy and got help and have learned from the past, while my boyfriend has not. I can still tell he brings problems from his past into our current relationship. I am tried of asking for the small things to be done. It is always me asking, him saying "ok I will be better for us I promise" does better for a week or 2 then goes back to his old ways.

I have gotten to the point where I told myself the next time this happens I am done. I have anxious attachment style so it makes it very hard for me to end things. I cannot tell if our relationship is healthy or toxic. I can't tell If I can be happy with him and work on these things or breaking up. I feel very happy with him and am in love with him but there are things I need to feel loved constantly. I don't know what to do anymore, I am tired of having these talks with him, I do feel like he can change but sometimes I feel like he just won't. Please leave some advice and I am willing to answer questions. Thank you!

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Sorry to hear this.

Dating is a what you see is what you get situation.

It's not if he promises, if he changes, if he opened up, if this, if that situation.

24 weeks dating is a good time to observe incompatibilities, red flags and deal breakers.

It's not the time to fix, change someone into what you need or train someone to be what you want.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I dont necceserely think its toxic(hate that word btw). It doesnt seem its that bad for both of you. Just that, as he is 19, he probably lacks maturity for what you ask him. You mentioned making other plans, boys his age would would sometimes rather go out with guys for a drinks then hang out with girlfriend. Hence why he probably puts you in the back as his other plans take more important spot now. You want him to commit but he is not mature enough yet to do it in that way. As he didnt do it in 6 months its probably not gona happen soon. People are slaves to patterns. Once the pattern is established, that rarely changes. 

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7 hours ago, erwinsmith8377198 said:

His communication isn't the best and will not text me for hours at a time. He is very bad with plans, I tell him the date and time, he forgets and sometimes makes new plans. He is very bad with opening up and letting for a deeper connection happen. I have showed him that I am his support system and that I am here for him but it feels has he doesn't care. He finally found himself in a happy relationship where I mostly could care less about things he does and am not breathing down his neck. After my toxic relationship I seaked therapy and got help and have learned from the past, while my boyfriend has not. I can still tell he brings problems from his past into our current relationship. I am tried of asking for the small things to be done. It is always me asking, him saying "ok I will be better for us I promise" does better for a week or 2 then goes back to his old ways. I have gotten to the point where I told myself the next time this happens I am done. I have anxious attachment style so it makes it very hard for me to end things. 

Are the issues primarily about your communication styles? There are some people who don't feel the need to text for hours or days. You seem very anxious and agitated. He may not be what you're looking for overall in a partner. You think that he's ignoring you or he's "forgetting" but he IS answering you in his own way. Any answer other than the one you're looking for is also an answer. It's just not the one you want. For example, you may ask him to text you back or communicate with you throughout the day but he doesn't see the need for it so instead of arguing with you or fighting about it, he simply doesn't do it or "forgets". He makes plans over your plans perhaps because you both spend too much time together. He is not remembering or wanting to spend time with you as much as you may think he does.

At six months it's way too early to be a nag and chasing someone to be what you want them to be. My guess is that he's paying you lip service and saying yes to your asks without meaning it because he finds that you are making excessive or unrealistic demands (in his eyes). 

I also underlined the last part in made bold because it's an ultimatum. It's kinder to cut each other loose and stop struggling trying to force the situation any longer. I realize you are telling yourself this but if mentioned to the other partner, ultimatums aren't healthy in the long run and as soon as a person on the receiving end hears that you are thinking of leaving, it's usually a turn off and it shows that you're now only interested in the outcome as you need it to be and you've stopped trying to listen or regard the other person's thoughts/wants/opinions.

He's not being upfront with you that some of your requests are too much, possibly because he's intimidated, annoyed or just doesn't want to deal with it. Most people avoid break ups because they don't want to be alone so they agree to anything the other person wants. This doesn't always go to plan. My advice is think about the situation as it is and don't force it anymore. Make a decision based on who he is and who you are as people. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Are the issues primarily about your communication styles? There are some people who don't feel the need to text for hours or days. You seem very anxious and agitated. He may not be what you're looking for overall in a partner. You think that he's ignoring you or he's "forgetting" but he IS answering you in his own way. Any answer other than the one you're looking for is also an answer. It's just not the one you want. For example, you may ask him to text you back or communicate with you throughout the day but he doesn't see the need for it so instead of arguing with you or fighting about it, he simply doesn't do it or "forgets". He makes plans over your plans perhaps because you both spend too much time together. He is not remembering or wanting to spend time with you as much as you may think he does.

At six months it's way too early to be a nag and chasing someone to be what you want them to be. My guess is that he's paying you lip service and saying yes to your asks without meaning it because he finds that you are making excessive or unrealistic demands (in his eyes). 

I also underlined the last part in made bold because it's an ultimatum. It's kinder to cut each other loose and stop struggling trying to force the situation any longer. Ultimatums aren't healthy in the long run and as soon as a person on the receiving end hears that you are thinking of leaving, it's usually a turn off and it shows that you're now only interested in the outcome as you need it to be and you've stopped trying to listen or regard the other person's thoughts/wants/opinions.

He's not being upfront with you that some of your requests are too much, possibly because he's intimidated, annoyed or just doesn't want to deal with it. Most people avoid break ups because they don't want to be alone so they agree to anything the other person wants. This doesn't always go to plan. My advice is think about the situation as it is and don't force it anymore. Make a decision based on who he is and who you are as people. 

 

We have gone through that we both know that our communications styles are different. When he's at work or I am at work we barley text throughout the day which is completely fine. Its more when he's out I prefer a update every 2-3 hours or so or when he gets the time too. I can see how I can be anxious, I am a person full of worry when it comes to friends, family and relationships. Am I maybe being to harsh on the communication? We hang maybe 1-2 times a week, his friends 3-4. We both work same hours at our new jobs 7:30-5:30. I usually suggest that we hang after work, Thursdays and Sundays are the typically the day he says yes to hanging out but the rest is he has plans with his other friends. I don't want to seem like a bother but we used to hang a lot and its becoming more friend time. To me it's an ultimatum for myself. I didn't tell him I was going to end anything or if he messed up again its over. I was trying to tell myself that if it does happen again I should listen to my word since I do have a hard time doing things I promise to myself. I maybe think I am in denial about the situation and I keep thinking he is going to get better. 

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I wouldn't dream of asking for an update when a partner is out with friends. That is too insecure and unreasonable in my mind and would suggest that I'm not able to trust in his decisions or to look out after himself. I would also be taking on a babysitter role which is not my style or inclination. It also suggests that you're unable to be left alone also or too fragile to be in a relationship if you are needing updates every few hours when he's out with friends. It begs the question - what are you afraid of? Does he have a history of alcohol/drug abuse or what are his friends or social groups like? When you date someone you also have to accept their friends and family that are in the picture. 

That he is choosing to be with his friends more also suggests that he's moving away from the relationship and trying to find some refuge away from these demands and requests. You're right to inquire and ask if something is amiss. 

I updated my post to reflect a better response to the ultimatum quote. If you would like to spend more time with him I do suggest you leave off on the requests for texts while he's out with friends and pick one day, ie. Sunday, to go on a proper date together. Don't ask him to hang out after work every day especially when he's showing less and less interest. Work on the quality of your dates rather than the quantity of hours or number of days you see each other. Eventually if you both are on the same page with mutual attraction you will both want to spend more time with each other. 

 

 

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8 hours ago, erwinsmith8377198 said:

t is always me asking, him saying "ok I will be better for us I promise" does better for a week or 2 then goes back to his old ways.

These are not his old ways. This is just who he is

1 hour ago, erwinsmith8377198 said:

when he's out I prefer a update every 2-3 hours or so or when he gets the time too.

This is too much, OP. It's not reasonable to expect this. It doesn't come across as you being "full of worry" about him, but you being deeply insecure that he is going to find someone else while he is out and you trying to monitor him.  

The bottom line? You're trying to change him into someone he is not, and get him to be the boyfriend you want without considering that he's not the right person for you. How would you feel if he were constantly pestering you about changing your ways, and being a girlfriend who's more in line with what he wants? And then continued to complain to you about how much you were messing up? I bet that wouldn't feel very good or make you want to date him anymore, would it? It would make you feel like the relationship is becoming a drag. 

Look, you two shouldn't even having these problems at just 6 months. You and he have very different expectations and relationship styles, and there are significant problems already because you're not compatible as a couple. 

So yes, it would be better to break up here. You're trying to force a square peg into a round hole and it's not going to work. Take some time off dating for a bit, and get to feel good on your own. When you're in a better place, you will be able to have better relationships. 

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4 hours ago, erwinsmith8377198 said:

I didn't tell him I was going to end anything or if he messed up again its over. 

This thinking is very problematic. You’ve already decided that he’s in the wrong and he must conform to your expectations, otherwise he has “messed up”. In all honesty, I don’t think he keeps messing up. I think you have unrealistic expectations of him, yourself, and the relationship and are projecting them on to him. 

Asking someone for an update every 2-3 hours is pretty unreasonable, unless there is a genuine and significant need for such an update (such as health/medical reasons, etc.). You guys are teenagers, yet you’re wanting him to behave the way a long-term couple in their late 20s, 30s, and onwards would. 

My advice is to relax a little (or lot). Your anxiousness about the strength of your relationship is not his issue to overcome - those are your insecurities that you need to work through. I am sure there is some validity in what you’re saying and there are, in fact, times he can be a little inconsiderate or insensitive, but you have to keep in mind that he’s a teenage guy, he’s not going to be perfect (now or ever) and he still has a lot of growing into maturity to do, just as you do and anyone your age does. You need to allow for that and really choose your battles. Don’t decide that his lack of constant updating is the right hill to die on.

But, as other posters have said, I feel perhaps that you really like/love him as a person, but that doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you. If you feel you have needs that are inflexible in certain areas and your bf cannot or will not accommodate them, then you need to face the reality that you and he are just not right for each other, unfortunately.

Edited by LotusBlack
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16 hours ago, erwinsmith8377198 said:

I finally felt like I have met my other half.

Really? Finally? At age 18? Why at this young age is it your goal to nail down a forever love? Perhaps you're more like a forty year old in a teen body. To be frank, I'm surprised he hasn't bolted yet, because just reading this, if I was in his shoes, I'd feel like a ton of bricks was laying on my chest.

16 hours ago, erwinsmith8377198 said:

He is very bad with opening up and letting for a deeper connection happen. I have showed him that I am his support system and that I am here for him

Sorry, but at your age, for me dating was about having fun with a bf/gf by eating at restaurants, going to the beach, the movies, miniature golfing, holding hands, making out, and spending time together with groups of friends. I don't recall bringing up deeper connections and support systems and extremely heavy topics. That is just strange. Leave the therapeutic talk for your own sessions with a psychologist.

16 hours ago, erwinsmith8377198 said:

I have anxious attachment style so it makes it very hard for me to end things. I cannot tell if our relationship is healthy or toxic.

I see you as the toxicity, not him. From what you've written, you've taken away his choice for when HE FEELS like texting you. You are commanding him to keep track of time so that no more than 3 hours pass before you hear from him. Instead of it being his choice to reach out to a gf because he misses her, he's now being controlled by an anxiety-ridden control freak.

Sounds like you're the only one asking to get together which he accepts or rejects. You've never allowed him to make an equal effort. After getting together on Thursday, I'm assuming you've never just busied yourself and set up plans for your own life and felt like the ball is now in his court to ask you out for the next time. And if he didn't, you'd find other fulfilling activities to fill your days.

To gauge a person's continuing interest, you have to sit back and wait for a bf to reciprocate effort, and if he doesn't, it's your clue he doesn't meet your needs and it's time to exit.

You're expecting too much, and I have have a feeling he's probably not the type to forget about plans. He's likely putting up boundaries in his own way because he'd rather lie than deal with whatever you will dish out when he doesn't want to meet with you every night after work. I'm guessing he's too cowardly to do the breaking up, and hoping you will do the deed to save himself from drama.

When you have emotional baggage from past relationships, you're not ready to date. A guy shouldn't pay the price for a crime someone else committed. Read some books and articles on how to rid yourself from that. Always keep a fulfilling life of hobbies, enjoying solo time, and time spent with girlfriends, even if you have a bf. He doesn't want to be the sole center of your universe and happiness. It's too smothering. Take care and good luck.

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