She's a little runaway

[slw1]

The ex gf is 33 and broke up with me a couple of times and once said "the next time I runaway". We w ere friends first and she told me she liked it that way, but we got involved. I dont think she ever wanted to get involved. She does not play games nor is she a tease. She just seems very nervous about being in a relationship.

 

She has not had a boyfriend in years, but has lots of male friends(just friends) . She is a beutiful woman with an amazing personality and would have no problem getting a date.

 

We hung out as very good friends for a while and got along great, we always did. We have so much in common that it is hard to avoid one another. She was very comfortable around me almost like my girlfriend again, but even as a friend she still runs away from me. This has happened twice now , well 4 times if you count when she was my gf..Every time a different excuse.She only does it to me and not any other of her male friends.

 

I have always treated her as only a friend , I have never asked anything from her, but I was still interested in her. I just tried to be nice to her. I have not spoken to her for 3 months . I want to open up lines of communication again , but not sure if I should. The last time we had contact she told me was not going to talk to me anymore and wished me well with future endeveavors.I want to ask her why she runs away constantly.

 

Any opinions please?

 

Thanks

[temperamental_taurus]

Good Morning... well I was a "runner" too - I think I still am... and my only explanation for it is that's it's a defense mechanism. A form of protection to prevent us from getting hurt. Since she's doing it with you andno one else then she probably is beginning to form deep feelings for you which scares her and she bolts.

 

For me, the feeling was one of anxiety that built up inside just being around the guy I was starting to care for. It caused that good ol' fight or flight feeling - even if I wasn't being threatened - and I'd run, leave, break up whatever... Very frustrating for the guy I was with, let me tell you.

 

It's something she probably can not help - just be patient with her, always be there for her and never break her trust - and you may see results in the long run - Good Luck!!!

[slw1]

Thank you t_t.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. Even when we were friends we would talk and joke for hours one day and the next week i'd see her again and it was almost as if we were strangers trying to get to know each other.

 

Very frustrating indeed!

[Royltnxile]

Its very possible she really has feelings for you and is attracted to you, and this is what scares her and makes her run away from you. It is her fears.

 

From your post I would guess she suffers from fear of intimacy, commitment phobia to a certain extent maybe, probably other issues as well. Maybe low self esteem and depression. You never know what kind of negative thoughts lurk in the mind of a beautiful woman!

 

I'd say to keep after her, but keep your heart guarded.

[RayKay]

I am going to have to disagree with the other posters about waiting and holding in there for her.

 

The last time we had contact she told me was not going to talk to me anymore and wished me well with future endeveavors.I want to ask her why she runs away constantly.

 

If she told you that, she has her reasons. Respect that. If she wants to talk to you again, she knows where you are. It does not sound like she wants you to keep pressing on or wait for her.

 

I dont think she ever wanted to get involved. She does not play games nor is she a tease. She just seems very nervous about being in a relationship.

 

Maybe she does have problems, but her history shows you yourself cannot do anything to fix it, and it is something she can only change on her own if she wants to change - you did have the opportunity to be with her and it did not work, she still ran. If she wants you bad enough, she would change. If you are so sure someone is the one, then you don't fear getting hurt and you don't run. You can't change her opinion on relationships, or really know why she does not want to be with you. I think when we love someone we try to read too much into a situation and make excuses for them. When sometimes the answer simply is they just cannot be with us, and they don't want to be anymore.

 

Anytime something is off again, on again, or the person has a repeated history of leaving and running and they do the SAME thing to you, I think it is best to move on from that situation. Her excuses are to her reasons, and as I said, you cannot rescue her from her pattern - she needs to want to change on her own. She might not see it as running either - you are not her counsellor and if you call her to ask her why she does it over and over.

 

I think from reading your other posts it is time to move on. I know its hard, but it does not sound like she is a healthy person herself right now to have a positive relationship with. There are other women out there, who you can fall head over heels for too...and be ready to commit...but as long as you keep holding on to your ex and her memory you will never find them.

[Burning_Down]

If she wants you bad enough, she would change.

 

I agreed with everything you said except that.

 

This premise assumes that she would equate wanting this person and being able to change...as well as a host of other factors which exist only in her head. It's quite possible that she has the logic of a depressive which is often not mappable onto the logic of the rest of the world.

 

I would still say let her be though. She'll come back if it's meant to be.

[SandyD]

This makes a lot of sense to me. Even when we were friends we would talk and joke for hours one day and the next week i'd see her again and it was almost as if we were strangers trying to get to know each other.

 

I know this story too well. I too am guilty of being a "runaway". Right now I am in a relationship where my partner is very understanding, patient and doesn´t make demands on me. He makes it comfortable for me to be with him, so we have been working out well, and I haven´t had to urge to run away. We still go through phases as you´ve described above... some weeks are better than others.

 

I need to be dealt with very gently and patiently. Just like some people love drama and high levels of passion in a relationship in order to be happy, I on the other hand need a steady partner who will be my friend above all else.

 

 

Quote from RayKay

If she wants you bad enough, she would change. If you are so sure someone is the one, then you don't fear getting hurt and you don't run.

 

This is true, and it is my case right now. I think that you still fear getting hurt, you still get anxious from time to time, you still want to run away sometimes, but at one point you make a decision that you want to be with the person, that they are potentially "the one", and that outweighs everything else.

 

I don´t know what your girl´s story is like. I don´t know why she runs away. But I will tell you what made me change my ways, besides the fact that I met a really awesome person... although my boyfriend was unbelievably patient and understanding, he was not a pushover. If I wanted to run away, I know he would not come after me. He would not beg or plead. He´d be willing to talk if I wanted to explain myself and make sense, but otherwise he would kiss my forehead goodbye and send me on my way home. He refused to get entangled in anything weird. I knew he cared for me, but I also knew that he would not put up with my running away. I´d lose him if I kept at it.

 

In the past, this running away never drove any other boyfriend away. They just held on tighter and suffocated me. They let me dictate the relationship because they feared losing me, and eventually I lost interest.

[heloladies21]

Don't contact her and drop the case. Work on finding someone new.

[socalguy123]

Your bf sounds like quite a guy. I think, rather I know, if I'd been as secure in myself, instead of holding on too tight--things would have worked out better for me. I am working to get into that position, the fine balance between giving your heart, but not giving the keys to the kingdom away. When I fall in love, it's like an avalanche. But I don't need to be a pushover...

 

Bravo to the both of you, and good luck with your relationship!