How did you decide on having a 2nd child? So lost/overwhelmed!

[adee07]

Hi everyone,

We've been toying with the idea of having a 2nd child for quite a while, however just can't seem to make a decision& it really stresses us out. Our daughter is 3 yrs old. I know toddlers are hard...but we REALLY struggled from day 1. She was born 6 weeks early. Luckily no major health deficits. She did have HORRIBLE reflux&was on meds for 9 months. She was never an easy, happy baby.  It feels like she was always crying/screaming.  She never took a pacifier so we just endured it. Being first time parents was of course difficult as we were not experienced.  She is the most difficult of the grandkids in the family.  Always causing a scene..people in our family joke that she "sets the bar" for attitude/bad behavior. I want to state that we really do try. We try to have patience/understanding. We hug/take breaths/try to talk things through. She's also always been a horrible eater. Would literally go days without eating one bite of dinner. She's still very picky, we just choose our battles more wisely these days. I know a lot of people say they're all picky eaters...but she was at the low of end the BMI chart and her doctor was starting to get concerned. Basically just trying to relay that we've definitely struggled with her. In fact, we're on our 3rd attempt at potty training right now too!

On top of that, I developed health issues after pregnancy.  Pretty bad gut issues so that I have to eat the same few meals or I'll pay miserably for it. I developed a condition where I was having spontaneous allergic reactions to nothing. That's been better controlled now as I stay on meds for it and I think my body settled down 1.5 yrs after the birth, but of course there's this worry now that "what if" something goes wrong with me. What if its even worse, etc. And am I getting too old soon? I never wanted to be having kids in my 30s. I'm almost 32. 

One thing I wonder about is if our perception of difficulty was heightened because when our daughter was only 5.5 months old, my father in law got very ill. It took 6 weeks to diagnose that he had a very rare brain cancer. It almost killed him. He was hospitalized for 4 months & lost who he was completely. This was obviously a VERY stressful situation &I'm sure just made everything feel that much worse for us at the time.

When I think about NOT having a 2nd child...I feel sad. Always thought we'd have 2. I feel like a terrible parent to not at least try to give my child a sibling. I've told myself they may never get along, may have no relationship anyways etc. But what if they do? What if they'd be close like lots of people I know are with their siblings? What about family holidays or get togethers where she's the only kid on one side of the fam? I feel like I'm taking things from my daughter such as being an aunt (by blood) or there's always the topic of feeling bad if my husband and/or I end up in bad health and she's involved without the help of a sibling. Things like that just weigh on me SO heavily.

I really didn't enjoy pregnancy. I was sick a lot & of course going through that labor/delivery...whew woman are strong. And money...having another kid is more money. Starting over with sleepless nights& constant feedings etc with having an already very wild toddler. I find myself asking "how do people do this??" all the time....

Ugh, even as I'm typing this my head is like a boomerang again! This is what my husband& I do every few weeks or so...throw out all these topics/reasons. But then also things like "oh this happened the other day and I thought how I'd love to have another one to enjoy that with" but then also "OH MY GOD I'M NEVER HAVING ANOTHER KID AFTER THE WAY SHE'S BEHAVED ALL DAY!" 

Please tell me we're not the only ones with this indecisiveness? We both struggle with some anxiety (definitely me being the worst one) and I think that complicates the matter even more. I apologize for the length of this post, but would truly appreciate any insight on how you or anyone you know made the final decision on this? Any advice on how to sort this out in our brains? lol Thank you to everyone for reading this!! 

[Batya33]

I have one child. My husband doesn’t have a sibling. I do. We hated each other till I was 13 and she 18.  Now we’re 55 and 60 and love each other to pieces.  For decades.  When I was born she wanted to exchange me for a kitten. 
my husband was and is close with his first cousins.  My son zoomed a lot with cousins while he was doing virtual learning. He is in many situations where he is a person with no sibling.  So?  Your children will be in many life situations where they have differences from others.  It’s called life.  Life isn’t a Norman Rockwell painting or a package tied up in a neat little bow. 

Anyway I really hate the implication that parents who have one child whether by choice or otherwise are depriving their child of a sibling  or somehow are not as good a parent.  Huh ??
 

So what if you adopt - and what if you say you won’t adopt even if you can’t conceive a second  child - does that make you a less good parent because you won’t adopt to give your child a sibling?

Please get over that whole “child deserves a sibling “.  Please.  Especially if you don’t want to annoy parents who have one child.  

It’s a very personal decision.  I made it this way:  one - we were in our 40s when we conceived. We knew we’d likely be one and done because of my age.  I was totally fine with it as was he and we conceived naturally.  Two:  I had a postpartum stroke from which I fully recovered.  No medical history just happened but getting pregnant again would have meant injecting myself with blood thinners.  No thanks.  Three:  neither of us wanted to adopt.

 my husband had really loving wonderful parents.  They had one child for similar reasons as to me.  He is a great person - compassionate and thoughtful, giving and intelligent, a person of character and integrity and so hard working and really cute too!!  He gets credit but so do his parents even though as you suggest they deprived him of a sibling. 

I am so blessed with my child.  He’s not a “just one “   He’s him.  One benefit is it’s much less expensive and cumbersome to travel with one and we’ve traveled a lot   Like my husband did  as a child.  Nationally and internationally   It’s a great education and so much fun and so darn exhausting lol  

I personally would say stop at one unless you are over the moon enthusiastic about wanting another child and for the best interests of that child not just your existing child.  I don’t think it’s right to have a child with anything less than that 100% standard.  Just my humble opinion.  

[melancholy123]

I have 2 kids almost 5 yrs apart.  The first one was easy, a real joy, and not difficult in any way.  Baby 2 was 3 weeks early and had colic from Day One.  Crying, screaming, fussy, and honestly really annoying al  lot of the time.  I often said if he was first born he'd have been last born as I would not want to go thru that a second time.  They are now adults and he is actually the more delightful of the 2!  So you never know how it will be.

I wasn't sick either time, so have no comments on that.

I always felt a person would have 2 kids if they can, so there isn't an only child.  I have cousins who are only children and they are spoiled rotten and feel entitled to whatever they want.

 

[arjumand]

There is nothing wrong with being indecisive about a second child, it is a big deal. I will say that your father-in-law's illness did increase the stress and difficulty of taking care of your baby, absolutely. We decided to have a second child when I realized that we were talking about two or three years of my life that were going to be really hard, but out of like 80, that didn't seem like much in the face of wanting another child. Also, remember that you were likely unsure about having the first one, because again, it is a big deal. 

Unfortunately, it did not work out, in any fashion, and we ended up with an only. She would have made a great older sister, but this is what happened and she has grown up into a very UNselfish, good person. She is nearly 20 and lives a very adventurous, interesting life. I mention this because people are always talking about how only children are selfish and don't share and  she is nothing like that -- neither is one of my closest friends who is in her 40s and also very generous. 

I will also add that I don't know anyone who went ahead and had another (or two, or even three) who regretted it. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

I have 2 kids almost 5 yrs apart.  The first one was easy, a real joy, and not difficult in any way.  Baby 2 was 3 weeks early and had colic from Day One.  Crying, screaming, fussy, and honestly really annoying al  lot of the time.  I often said if he was first born he'd have been last born as I would not want to go thru that a second time.  They are now adults and he is actually the more delightful of the 2!  So you never know how it will be.

I wasn't sick either time, so have no comments on that.

I always felt a person would have 2 kids if they can, so there isn't an only child.  I have cousins who are only children and they are spoiled rotten and feel entitled to whatever they want.

 

I think spoiled kids are spoiled because of parenting or caregiving or their personalities.  Or a mish mash Has nothing to do with whether there are siblings. We were so distant in age I often was an only child - and my sister basically moved out when I was 13. I hate that stigma just like stigmatizing parents who choose to work full time and have daycare raise their kids so the kids are then “neglected”.  All those stigmas really damage parents and children. 

[Seraphim]

Is it possible your daughter has developmental difficulties ? My son was an incredibly difficult baby and child. We found out later he was Autistic and had different support needs to other children. 

We wanted other children but my body is incapable and I had 4 miscarriages after my son. He always wanted a sibling , but now at almost 24 that desire has waned some. 

[DarkCh0c0]

How about waiting and catching your breaths before having a second child?

You seem to really want the second child, but are terrified to go through this again. You haven't really recovered from the first one- and that's okay. There's no rush.

Take your time, give it a year or two (or even more) until you feel better emotionally and physically, same for hubby, and then see if this is what you truly want when NOT under stress. Then, you'll have your answer.

[adee07]

@Seraphim  I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed our minds in regards to developmental difficulties, more in the aspect of...sensitivities to things I guess? Such as obviously having texture issues with food and then really seeming to act out/become overwhelmed in busy/social situations. She tends to calm down a bit after she's used to being somewhere, but we've definitely wondered if there's something going on or if she's just not managed to process emotions yet. I appreciate your feedback! 

@DarkCh0c0 honestly your response made me take a breath for a minute. Sometimes I do feel so rushed like we need to make a decision NOW but you really drew my attention to the fact that maybe we need a little more time to "recover" from our wild child. Love her to death of course, but wow life has been a roller coaster. Thank you for your input! 

I really appreciate everyone's time and opinions. Definitely reading the responses and doing a lot of thinking ♡

[Snny]

I’m a one and done and had a very horrible pregnancy. I personally like having only one kid because I can has some time to focus on myself while still being Mom, save a ton of money on daycare cost/extra curricular activities / college expenses / clothing/ travel… and save my sick leave! I hear from my colleagues with COVID going around of how many times they had to burn all their sick leave because one or both of their children have to be put under quarantine. I’ve also invested in personal training and dropped over 30 lbs in one year… no way am I gaining it back by getting pregnant.

 

as for siblings, my sister and I never got along. We barely have spoken to each other in over a year. My parents had the same mindset of feeling like they “owed” me a sibling and it backfired, especially when they played favorites. And sibling rivalry apparently runs in the family that I really don’t want a second child and have to deal with that drama.

 

just my two cents. One child can be worth having a peace of mind and extra money in your pocket to do many great things.

[Andrina]

I don't think you should take what you guess your child's wants or benefits or burdens will be into consideration about this decision. There are too many variables in this world to predict what will make the child happy or unhappy. You and your husband will have to eventually come to a consensus if you two feel a second child should be your destiny.

Examples of variables: I have two brothers but have been the sole person to take care of elderly parent needs because one brother can barely even take care of himself because of past drug use and health problems, and the other brother lives in another country.

I always wanted a sister and was jealous of my younger brother when I was young because he got more attention from my mother. Oh, well. I don't know anybody who lives a totally charmed life. I only tolerate the older brother and am glad I rarely have to see him, and with my younger brother, it's a half and half thing where we have good times sometimes and irritate each other at other times.

I originally wanted four children like my family of cousins who I thought had a fun life. After I had one, I saw how tiring it could be so I decided two was a good number and that they should be 3 years apart. But when the time came to create that timespan, I wasn't ready, and then when I was ready, it took me longer than I thought to get pregnant. They are 4 and a half years apart.

My niece is an only child and she never asked for siblings. The good thing in life is that a person never has to be lonely. There are always friends to hang out with. Play dates can be arranged. Sleepovers. Etc. Etc.

Good luck in whatever you eventually decide.

[itsallgrand]

I honestly don't get stressing or feeling guilty thinking about "only" having one child. You aren't depriving anyone of anything. 

Having a bunch of children on the other hand, knowing these kids born now are going to be fighting for the most basic of human needs coming up... I think it can be pretty selfish. Add to this that your child needs extra as is... Why wouldn't you focus on raising one with all that you got. 

[Cherylyn]

You're not a terrible parent for having an only child!  It's a great big world and only children learn to adapt whether it's close relationships with their cousins, extended family members (relatives and in-laws), friends, people in their community or striking up new friends between now and years to come. 

You are correct.  Another thing to consider is your disdain for nausea, no one enjoys feeling nauseous and then there's the tremendous financial responsibility.  Not everyone has the means.

If you feel overwhelmed by the thought of pregnancy and bringing another child into the world, listen to your gut instincts and intuition because it's always correct for a reason. 

Having a second child is a very personal decision.  My husband and I felt that we wanted two children and that's it.  No more.  We felt settled in our suburban house, content marriage and very stable life overall. 

My two sons are 4-1/2 years apart.  I had nausea with both pregnancies.  However, I never vomited so I felt fortunate.  I felt queasy from onions, garlic, orange juice and tomatoes in particular.  I didn't have a hearty appetite until my second trimester.  Both pregnancies were healthy.  Baby #1 weighed 7 pounds and baby #2 weighed 8 pounds. 

Son #1 had colic and I didn't think I'd survive it.  Finally, at age 2 months, no more colic.  Son #2 had no colic.  Both sons are healthy.

Fortunately, son #1 was always the doting big brother ever since we brought son #2 home from the hospital.  They have their separate friends and whenever they're together, they are EXTREMELY close so it's been a tremendous blessing knowing they have each other. 

We are very fortunate. 

I've heard some stories where some siblings are closer in age and either fought a lot or they're not close.  I'm lucky to say it wasn't the case for us. 

Child rearing is difficult, very busy, a financial strain and requires overwhelming sacrifice.  If the outcome is successful, then yes, it's worth it.  If the outcome is not idyllic, then I'm sure some parents and children are miserable. 

You and your husband have to do what is right for you both.  If you're ambivalent, doubtful and have misgivings, then having a second child is something you need to discuss in depth with your husband. 

Don't rely on what other parents and families do.  Do what's best for your health, finances, marriage, daughter and family situation. 

[BecxyRex]

I get it! We have a 4 year old daughter and have been thinking about a second. My husband wants her to have a sibling, I’m more iffy about going through it all again. I know it’s doable, but life right now is so nice and easy for us with just one. I’m very hesitant to give it up and start all over again with night feeding, potty training, etc. I’m also an only child, and my husband has a sibling, so naturally we see this a bit differently. The whole trope of the “spoiled only child” is such a cliche. It all depends on how you raise your child. I’ve noticed I like it quiet in my home. Constant noise is deadly to me, whereas my husband is used to more going on around him. I just have a hard time imagining two children screaming and fighting all day. But then I’m sure it would be wonderful if they got along and played. It’s sooo hard! I have no answer for you, but I understand!

[adee07]

@BecxyRex thank you for your reply! It's honestly nice to hear from someone in a similar boat as me right now. I am very much so like you regarding the quiet atmosphere. I'm a more introverted person and desperately need that quiet recharge time. I've had a few friends who had no siblings and are great people...I do think parenting has a large impact on if a child turns out "spoiled rotten" as they say. I wish you luck in your decision; the "what ifs" make it so hard for me! 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, adee07 said:

.I do think parenting has a large impact on if a child turns out "spoiled rotten" as they say.

I think adults who blame parents for "turning out" in one way or another -except in very extreme cases of (heaven forbid) abuse or neglect -are simply being narrow minded/immature.  Parenting of course has an impact but so does the child's friends, extended family, schools, teachers, environment.  Parents are so often the target of how a "child turns out" and I think way too much and way too intensely.  And the other way around.  Certain parents take way too much credit for their children's accomplishments and characteristics.  

I really like the input you've gotten especially -even though it's technically not as helpful - that this is a really individual and personal decision!!

[BecxyRex]

@Batya33, I agree that how children turn out depends on so many factors, not just one. I think in this context it was more about the cliche of every only child being spoiled. I think in that sense you can say that it’s not a given, if parents make sure to be mindful.

@adee07 I think at the end of the day there really just is no right or wrong. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. I pressured myself a bit more when my daughter was 3, but at this point her sibling wouldn’t even go to the same school most likely. Meaning when they will be in elementary my daughter will be in middle school and so forth. So in a way, I started being a bit more relaxed, but I’m leaning towards no, simply because I personally would prefer not to have kids past 35 and that is fast approaching for me. 
 

 

[catfeeder]

20 hours ago, Andrina said:

I don't think you should take what you guess your child's wants or benefits or burdens will be into consideration about this decision. There are too many variables ...

I agree. We can't make up stuff and project it onto the future with any kind of accuracy.

So it makes no sense to live your life according to such arbitrary concoctions.

Plenty of 'only' children thrive, and plenty of siblings blame their only causes of misery on a brother or sister.

Only do what feels right for you--and if that means opting out of decision-making for a time, then embrace that option unless and until you WANT to focus on the issue again.

Meanwhile, skip living a perpetual see-saw, and relax away from trying to 'see' for a while.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

[Batya33]

17 hours ago, BecxyRex said:

@Batya33, I agree that how children turn out depends on so many factors, not just one. I think in this context it was more about the cliche of every only child being spoiled. I think in that sense you can say that it’s not a given, if parents make sure to be mindful.

@adee07 I think at the end of the day there really just is no right or wrong. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. I pressured myself a bit more when my daughter was 3, but at this point her sibling wouldn’t even go to the same school most likely. Meaning when they will be in elementary my daughter will be in middle school and so forth. So in a way, I started being a bit more relaxed, but I’m leaning towards no, simply because I personally would prefer not to have kids past 35 and that is fast approaching for me. 
 

 

I think all parents should be mindful and no need to be more mindful of avoiding spoiling a child just because the child doesn’t have a sibling. It’s not a positive or negative.  It just “is” just like my son is short and will never be tall.  If I could have been pregnant earlier than age 41-42 I would have.  It was very stressful emotionally.
 But there are better non invasive diagnostic tests then when I was preggers.  I refused an amnio or CVS because of the risks of miscarriage but had blood work and ultrasounds.  

It’s great that you have so much insight and self knowledge 

[BecxyRex]

Thank you for your response @Batya33 of course I don’t think it’s positive or negative to have children older. There’s nothing wrong with it at all. I bet you are a wonderful mom to your son. 

[tattoobunnie]

I have two boys, 3.5 years a part, and are thick as thieves.  I was convinced that my 2nd would be like my 1st, a 2.0 version, but he's completely different with preferences, even straight out as a baby till now, to eating habits, food and clothing choices, reading levels at the their ages, talking, how they are personally, empathetic vs life of the party, and life has been amazing having them both.  

Oh, my eldest (9) is as thin as a rail. My youngest (5.5) weighs more than by 15 lbs...think about that.  You really never know what you're gonna get.  But they are both WILLFUL children - karma for me and hubs being like that as kids...hahahhaa

Also, I gained 50 lbs with my first, and 18 with my second, and 10 lbs of it was the baby! And my symptoms varied too.

We wanted a second kid for the sibling aspect, that you always have someone to help you move, and be there for you whether you hate eachother or get on like gang busters.  My husband is an only child, and he's cool.  I find if you are torn now, then put a pin in it...come back in a few months, and see how you feel.  A bunch of my friends have kiddos 7 years apart, and doing great.  

[Batya33]

On 9/11/2021 at 10:28 PM, BecxyRex said:

Thank you for your response @Batya33 of course I don’t think it’s positive or negative to have children older. There’s nothing wrong with it at all. I bet you are a wonderful mom to your son. 

Thanks - I try my best.  For me it was a negative emotionally.  

[Batya33]

Of course we all hope for the best/expect the worst but as my sister, mom of four, used to day "you never know what's going to come out" lol - so you may give birth to a child with profound special needs who will be loved and cherished but not able to interact like a typically developing sibling.  And who might require a lot more of your time, money, attention, energy than a typically developing sibling.  So in all I think having a child with special needs (I do not; many friends do) - is like all children an incredible blessing - all children are - but my point is that the expectation of "I had another child to give my child a sibling" may not work out exactly as you envision.  Same with sibs who are typically developing but just very different/don't click.