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How long to wait when she needs space?


Squigg
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I am in a fairly new relationship (5/6 weeks). Things went great for the first month and was fairly intense. We both seemed to be on the same page and really liked each other. She told me she had never felt like this in a relationship and thought I was one of the most attractive people she had met. We were both busy and didn’t see each other for a couple of weeks but still texted. She started to text a bit less and was hanging out more with her friends. I will hold my hands up and say I was a bit intense and jealous (due to issues I need to resolve from a previous relationship) and said I had a feeling she was no longer interested in me. 
Since that weekend she has told me she needs to take a step back to work on her mental health. Am I being an idiot waiting for her or is it really over and I need to move on? I want to give her some space and work on me for a couple of weeks and let her come to me. 

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  • Squigg changed the title to How long to wait when she needs space?
19 minutes ago, Squigg said:

Am I being an idiot waiting for her or is it really over and I need to move on?

Why not both? Its a meme joke, but, in all seriousness, when they say "they need space" that means they need space from you. So, there is no point in waiting for them as it trully is over. 

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Never wait on someone needing space. 

The phrase 'I need space', is like the international safe word to stop.

It is most likely them. They (for some reason) do not want to move forward with you and they can't explain it any better without just saying, I'm not into you.

I'm sorry.  It stinks. But! you have unresolved issues from your past. Take your interest in her and put it into you.  Love yourself. 

 

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Give her twice the space she seems to need.  But actually no I wouldn't "wait" if this is happening after 5-6 weeks.  I felt this way about a man I was dating for 3 weeks because he was very insecure and showed it by annoying questions to me and manipulative comments.  I told him my issues, he insisted he was getting therapy and wanted another chance.  Gave it 3-4 more weeks. Temporarily better then same stuff.  He is handsome, intelligent, hard working.  (And now in his late 50s and seems to have finally met the one as far as I can see on Facebook -he's never married, he was 40ish at the time I dated him).  I think she's not that into you anymore but I also suspect she felt crowded/suffocated by how you reacted to your feelings of jealousy.  

 

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Thanks Batya33 I thought the same that I had scared her off a bit by being too clingy/insecure. From your experience of needing space would you suggest cutting contact all together and see if she misses me? Or is the odd text just to say something like ‘hope you have a nice day’ a good idea? I don’t want her to think I don’t care about her. I appreciate everyone is different but I appreciate the advice. At this point I feel like if it doesn’t work out it wasn’t meant to be. I just want to give it a chance. 

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1 hour ago, Squigg said:

 I was a bit intense and jealous due to issues I need to resolve from a previous relationship and said I had a feeling she was no longer interested in me. 
Since that weekend she has told me she needs to take a step back to work on her mental health.

Unfortunately this is a breakup. "Space" means breakup.

How long ago was your breakup and what do you mean by "intense and jealous"?

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14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is a breakup. "Space" means breakup.

How long ago was your breakup and what do you mean by "intense and jealous"?

So to give a bit more context we FaceTimed on Thursday night and everything was great. Friday was a busy day so just one message between us. That’s not unusually. She was planning to see me on Sunday night but had a hospital appointment on the Monday so called it off on the Saturday. She went out to see some school friends Friday night then the same friends again at their band practise on Saturday night. On Sunday morning I saw she has been out again with her male friends. After that and blowing me off for Sunday night I had a feeling she was losing interest and said as much in a text. Asked if she was still interested in dating. Sunday I didn’t hear much from her because she said she went AWOL being nervous about the hospital. Monday I texted her about how it went. Also told her I could shake the feeling she wasn’t interested in me anymore. I didn’t get a reply but I think she was sleeping off the hospital treatment. 
 

Tuesday I woke up reread all the messages with a fresh head and told her I had been an idiot over the weekend. Also I sent her some flowers in the post to help her feel a bit better about the hospital treatment. She replied she was all over the place and could have been better I told her I hoped I didn’t add to her stress. Then she told me she needs a step back to work on her own physical and mental health. 
 

I know she is busy and stressed at work. Also she does have hospital treatment and assessments on going. Also we have both had previous mental health problems so I believe her. I just want to know is it a step back and slow things down or is it a step away all together. 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Give her twice the space she seems to need.  But actually no I wouldn't "wait" if this is happening after 5-6 weeks. 

 

Thanks Batya33 I thought the same that I had scared her off a bit by being too clingy/insecure. From your experience of needing space would you suggest cutting contact all together and see if she misses me? Or is the odd text just to say something like ‘hope you have a nice day’ a good idea? I don’t want her to think I don’t care about her. I appreciate everyone is different but I appreciate the advice. At this point I feel like if it doesn’t work out it wasn’t meant to be. I just want to give it a chance. 

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You did give it a go, and she basically dumped you in the most passive way.

If she wanted to spend some time with her friends, she would have invited you along. That's what people do when they are into you. Let you be a part of their life. They don't start the slow fade, text less, and spend time away from you.

Things ran out of steam real fast and it happens.

Don't wait, waiting does nothing about the end result. Moving on. If she is really into you she will reach out. Hey if she sees you move on and you are dating other chicks, then it might have her thinking she might have made a mistake. To be desirable is to be less available.

 

Edited by smackie9
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12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You did give it a go, and she basically dumped you in the most passive way.

If she wanted to spend some time with her friends, she would have invited you along. That's what people do when they are into you. Let you be a part of their life. They don't start the slow fade, text less, and spend time away from you.

Things ran out of steam real fast and it happens.

Don't wait, waiting does nothing about the end result. Moving on. If she is really into you she will reach out. Hey if she sees you move on and you are dating other chicks, then it might have her thinking she might have made a mistake. To be desirable is to be less available.

 

I see what you’re saying but we live about an hour apart and I was working the weekend she was out. I work 15 hour days so she knew I wasn’t around. 
 

I think you’re right that I was dumped in a really passive way. I just can’t see the girl I have gotten to know recently ending things that way. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking. I just don’t understand how it was great Thursday and gone by Sunday/Monday. Do people lose interest that quickly? 

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33 minutes ago, Squigg said:

Do people lose interest that quickly? 

Some do. However, in your case, its probably more the case of interest not being that high in the first place. What she says to you and what she does are two different things. And you always should watch what she does and not what she says. In your case you are confused because she said to you that you are the mix of Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. But when it comes to actually seeing you, she chose to ignore you and go out for 3 days and none of those days had you involved into it. I am sorry, I know its confusing to you. But you final insticts about he not being interested are correct one. So leave her alone and move on from that.

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4 hours ago, Squigg said:

I will hold my hands up and say I was a bit intense and jealous (due to issues I need to resolve from a previous relationship) and said I had a feeling she was no longer interested in me. 
Since that weekend she has told me she needs to take a step back to work on her mental health. Am I being an idiot waiting for her or is it really over and I need to move on? I want to give her some space and work on me for a couple of weeks and let her come to me. 

You know you, yourself needs work.

Accept she has pulled away and just walk away from this now.

Focus on you. . leave the idea of getting involved alone. It will take you more than a couple of weeks to 'improve'.

Remain single and deal with your own issue's.

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2 hours ago, Squigg said:

Thanks Batya33 I thought the same that I had scared her off a bit by being too clingy/insecure. From your experience of needing space would you suggest cutting contact all together and see if she misses me? Or is the odd text just to say something like ‘hope you have a nice day’ a good idea? I don’t want her to think I don’t care about her. I appreciate everyone is different but I appreciate the advice. At this point I feel like if it doesn’t work out it wasn’t meant to be. I just want to give it a chance. 

There's nothing to "work out" or "meant to be" -you dated a short period of time and chose to text about really confrontational/sensitive subjects. That's probably a red flag to her particularly so early on.  She wants space after dating a short time so I'd move on.  Do not contact her.  I don't think missing you is the issue - I think she sees the incompatibility and wasn't ready to completely say "bye" but if she's not 100% enthusiastic about continuing to get to know you this early on it's a nonstarter.  Yes everyone is different but almost all people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  To her right now being around you isn't pleasing her.  Leave her alone.

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2 hours ago, Squigg said:

I see what you’re saying but we live about an hour apart and I was working the weekend she was out. I work 15 hour days so she knew I wasn’t around. 
 

I think you’re right that I was dumped in a really passive way. I just can’t see the girl I have gotten to know recently ending things that way. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking. I just don’t understand how it was great Thursday and gone by Sunday/Monday. Do people lose interest that quickly? 

You don't know if she lost interest quickly but the thing is her interest was based on not knowing you.  Now she knows that a new person in her life is going to type confrontational texts to her.  That was passive on your part - you hid behind a screen to have that sort of interaction.  Yes people can lose interest right away if there's a red flag.  Or they can be losing interest over time but it comes to a head.

Edited by Batya33
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You have to read between the lines as her actions already tell you everything you need to know.

You know that the text wasn't necessary about her interest level so next time you will know better what to say and what not to say, what things to broach and what topics are irrelevant given the circumstances. 

Date and talk with other women. I would consider this finished and over. You're not compatible, not even to the last moment in the way you both left off. 

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I would patiently give her a few respectful weeks at the most and then request a discussion of how much more time and space she needs.  You need to have a frank discussion regarding what each others feelings are for one another, if there's a sincere investment in a relationship or not.  If she's evasive and doesn't give you clear cut answers, there is your answer.  You need to go your separate ways because this relationship isn't serious enough to endure long term. 

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3 hours ago, Squigg said:

I think you’re right that I was dumped in a really passive way. I just can’t see the girl I have gotten to know recently ending things that way. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking. I just don’t understand how it was great Thursday and gone by Sunday/Monday. Do people lose interest that quickly? 

After just 5 weeks, you have no idea who she really is. None. It's important that you wrap your mind around that. It's not who you have gotten to know, it's who you imagine she was and turns out that who you imagined is not who she is.

She didn't just pull away like that, she was already pulling away, she just didn't inform you and even once she did, it was super passive aggressive and left you kind of hanging and confused. It would have been kinder had she simply told you she lost interest.

What you came across is a very classic, "what burns hot and fast, burns out just as fast" situation. It may feel all kinds of wonderful and intense and downright intoxicating that this person is soooo into you, but if you step back....she didn't really know you enough to be that into you. It was a lot of fluff and smoke and mirrors. Not saying that she is intentionally evil, simply that you both got caught up more into the idea of this being all that rather than reality of it.

Anyway, after barely a month and change, no you do not wait, you move on. You were barely starting to get to know each other and now she is done. So, best that you move on, work on yourself and whatever issues that were raised by this brief encounter so that when you are more ready, you can be a good bf to the right woman and balanced enough to move at a more steady pace.

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4 hours ago, Squigg said:

I just can’t see the girl I have gotten to know recently ending things that way.

You hardly know her at all though, OP. A few weeks is not long enough to really assess what a person is like nor to predict how they will behave in specific situations. 

4 hours ago, Squigg said:

I just don’t understand how it was great Thursday and gone by Sunday/Monday.

She might have hooked up with someone else over the weekend. 

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10 hours ago, Squigg said:

Since that weekend she has told me she needs to take a step back to work on her mental health.

Whether it's a cop out from being forthcoming with you or not, time will tell.

Whatever her reasons for needing space, she's showing you how she handles difficult circumstances. It's a good opportunity for you to reflect back on if how she deals with uncomfortable situations works for you.

Please do not contact her, I have learnt the hard way that contacting someone requesting space pushes them further away. She needs to come to you.

I get that you're hurting and this situation utterly blows. But please exercise restraint, don't text her or do anything outrageous like blocking her. You have a life to live. You're not going to sit around and wait for her.

All the best to you! 🙂

Edited by greendots
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Also, having done much of my dating pre-text/email - before you text think - would you do the same thing by calling her on the phone and talking to her - if not -and I bet in your head "it's just a text" - then don't do it by the excuse of "just a text"

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Thank you everyone for all the advice. 
 

I will give it some time and let her be. I know how I feel about her. If she comes to me I would be happy to see her again, if she doesn’t at least I know how she feels. 

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Sounds like you really like her, and perhaps she is undecided about you.  I also sounds like you are chasing her a bit, so I would go cold for a month.

After a month tell yourself you are going to have one more kick at the can.  Message her to say you would like to see her and if she doesn’t respond/blows you off, forget ever moving forward with her.

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