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Should I get back together with my rebound?


Tryingtoforget
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(Tracy) and I started dating in college, for 4 years. We were just perfect together, and I loved her so much. Our relationship was excellent, until suddenly it wasn't. She was depressed due to graduating and not having a job and staying at home. This coupled with some other issues like a 3 year gap between us, we broke up. I don't think I processed the breakup and ended up meeting someone on Tinder.

This girl, I fell really hard for. We had similar interests, she was funny, smart and we had excellent chemistry. I had no idea what rebounding was at the time and I thought things were going so well with her, that I was forgetting about my ex. Time went by and about 5-6 months in I realized I'm not falling in love with this girl, and she just wasn't matching up to my ex. We broke up, and she was heartbroken. 

My ex and I got back together, and for a while things were great before earlier problems reared their head again. We are back to square one where she wants space again. I kept hoping things would get better, but we ended up breaking up again. 

 

Now I'm alone, back to square one, back on Tinder wondering what to do. I've had a couple of matches but I don't feel interested in anyone, and I'm debating whether I should have given my "rebound" girl a bit more time. The decisions felt right at that point but now that I'm actively working towards getting over Tracy, I think I'm ready to date again. 

What do i do? 

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If a method doesn’t work the first time, do you keep repeating that method? You seem to still be looking for someone to fill that void, break up after break up. Have you ever been single, happily single? Or are you always looking for someone to be with? 

Why don’t you slow down, join some interest groups, boost your resume and volunteer or do it for your own personal growth and spend time learning how to be comfortable alone. Be more confident in your choices and your purpose moving forward. You will have much more to offer someone when the time comes. When you’re ready you won’t have any questions and no hesitation. Best of luck on the journey.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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You're using dating as a means to "get over" someone, when that's not the point of dating at all.

You're not meant to date until you are completely over someone, and you've got your life more together so that if you add someone to your life.

Where you're enhancing one another's lives, not trying to "fix" each other in some way.

I also think you're confused as to who and what you like, or want,

You don't know your feelings for either one of these girls, by the sounds of it.

You keep running between them, you get bored with one, drop them, run to the other, and so on.

At this point, you'd be better off staying single, trying to better yourself, and better your own life.

Figure out who you are, what it is you're actually wanting in a partner, sort your life out until it's more where you want it to be, and then consider possibly dating.

But right now, it sounds as though you're only dating due to loneliness or seeking out someone to fill a void, and it's not bringing you any kind of long term happiness.

Edited by SherrySher
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5 hours ago, Tryingtoforget said:

 I'm alone, back to square one, back on Tinder wondering what to do. I've had a couple of matches but I don't feel interested in anyone

Both of them are incompatible. So you will have to start dating with a clean slate.

You can't just bounce back and fourth to women who have probably moved on to better matches.

Stop and reflect what you want. Don't date out of desperation.

How old were they? What did you have in common with them?

Have you considered meeting women in more social settings? Or on quality apps not intended for hookups?

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You are young and virile, and don't fully understand yourself. Our society often pushes that being in a relationship is the best way to win at life and to have a happy life, so we often, myself included in my younger days, throw ourselves into relationship after relationship to fill the gap with someone in hope of achieving that happiness.

The thing is, you need to be filling that gap with yourself. Building your own healthy self esteem without the need for someone else to do that. THEN, once you are whole, find someone to ADD to your life not become it.

Get out there, get some hobbies, buff up at the gym, get a good shine on about yourself, get your career blossoming. That doesn't mean you can't have flings to sate your need for sexual gymnastics, but don't get attached until you are ready.

And to be honest, the girls are likely in the same boat as it is easier for them to jump from relationship to relationship without healing and getting to know themselves without someone else.

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What makes you think you would feel something toward second girl now? Rebound or not, 6 months is the period where that initial spark where something new and exciting passes. And when real feelings start to develop. If you werent feeling it after that time, chances are you are not feeling it. Even if you did got over your ex and can move on, that is not the girl for you.

You are just bored. Meaning that it didnt worked out with your past love and you are not getting any exciting matches on Tinder. So now you are thinking that maybe you should give that second girl another chance. Which is understandable feeling to have but still not something that you should do. Because again, she didnt work out. If anything else, it isnt fair for her. And you will just lose time. Time that you could spend on yourself or even meeting somebody new and better. 

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14 hours ago, Tryingtoforget said:

My ex and I got back together, and for a while things were great before earlier problems reared their head again. We are back to square one where she wants space again. I kept hoping things would get better, but we ended up breaking up again. 

 

Now I'm alone, back to square one, back on Tinder wondering what to do. I've had a couple of matches but I don't feel interested in anyone, and I'm debating whether I should have given my "rebound" girl a bit more time.

Yeah, it never works a second time...because what caused the problems were never resolved. 😕   I know it stings....

 

No, you've now hurt 'your rebound', so trying to get her back as well... will cause you even MORE issue's ( Pain of the BU plus trust issue's I'm sure..).

WHY are you even looking for someone else right now?  You can't do this to try & get over an ex.  You NEED to work through your emotions on your own for a while... don't use people.

stay single and give yourself some time to heal & accept the BU's.

Get a life.  Get out there, hang with friends.. maybe a hobby?  But, avoid dating again for a good while.

 

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Take a long break from searching in the dating world.  Think long and hard about what you want in a woman, what you're willing to give of yourself both character and in a relationship and then resume establishing yourself all over again. 

Also keep in mind, many times you'll have to experience many relationships before finding the right one. 

Another thing to consider is to be more selective, very picky and choosy before plunging into a relationship.  Nurture, cultivate and maintain a genuine friendship with a woman first, really get to know her personality, character, quirks and observe compatibility and incompatibility.  You need to cover all that.  Don't rush and don't be in a hurry.  It pays to be shrewd.  Haste makes waste. 

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9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

What makes you think you would feel something toward second girl now? Rebound or not, 6 months is the period where that initial spark where something new and exciting passes. And when real feelings start to develop. If you werent feeling it after that time, chances are you are not feeling it. Even if you did got over your ex and can move on, that is not the girl for you.

You are just bored. Meaning that it didnt worked out with your past love and you are not getting any exciting matches on Tinder. So now you are thinking that maybe you should give that second girl another chance. Which is understandable feeling to have but still not something that you should do. Because again, she didnt work out. If anything else, it isnt fair for her. And you will just lose time. Time that you could spend on yourself or even meeting somebody new and better. 

The thing is though that I really think this new girl and I would have worked out. She was everything I was looking for in a relationship, there was nothing wrong with her and I really liked her, and enjoyed her company. 

I just couldn't fall in love with her because I was still so hung up on my ex. Now that I'm making changes and planning on staying single for a while, I really think we could give it another shot. I don't have much experience in these matters, but the reason I think I wasn't falling in love was because I was so hung up on my ex that when the opportunity presented, I took it. Otherwise, this was exactly the girl I was looking for and I think had I been over my ex, I would have jumped at the chance of something long term with her. 

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12 hours ago, Tryingtoforget said:

She was everything I was looking for in a relationship, there was nothing wrong with her and I really liked her, and enjoyed her company. 

Then why she wasnt matching to your ex if she was so great?

Dont get me wrong, I do think that you believe she is a great girl and that you would try to work it out. Just dont think that, rebound or not, you would be jumping out at first opportunity to make out with your ex if you felt something with that girl. 6 months is not a lot but enough to see some stuff. If she was lacking before, dont think additional time would fix that. With or without ex in the picture. Again, you are just reflecting. And thinking how you maybe made a mistake now when nothing else is on the horizon. We all did that. But the problem is, those stuff rarely turn out good.

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13 hours ago, Tryingtoforget said:

I just couldn't fall in love with her because I was still so hung up on my ex. 

That's ok. When you're ready, just start fresh with neither of these two.

Get a good profile and pics on a quality dating app and start talking to and meeting women. These two are probably no longer available anyway.

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15 hours ago, Tryingtoforget said:

I really think we could give it another shot.

You also have to consider that she might no longer be interested in you. 

You hurt her a lot. It's not a given that she will be open to trying again, and this will probably just make her feel like Plan B because your ex doesn't want you anymore. It won't come across well, no matter how you try to sell it to her. 

And from it sounds like, you don't even know if is single - correct? 

 

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