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Confused Relationship


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On 9/11/2021 at 12:17 PM, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Confused and Distraught then you're on the right track with self help. I am positive you can make it back to work. @Batya33 had gone back to work after staying with her children for 7 years.

Cheating is tempting, but alas you won't be able to truly be with someone else until you divorce. And it'll ruin your family.

What is your opinion on breaking the lack of intimacy's cycle? (mentioned before my last post above).

Break the cycle by leaving this marriage? Or trying to work on the intimacy in my marriage?

 

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On 9/11/2021 at 9:56 PM, Tinydance said:

So how old are your children? I think the first thing that probably needs to be addressed is that your marriage is basically dead. You said yourself that you and your husband agreed you'll only stay together until the children are old enough. What is considered "old enough though"? I actually don't have kids so maybe I don't understand but to me it seems a 10-year-old should be old enough to comprehend it, even if it does hurt them.

You're saying you haven't been intimate that much for ten years. That's a very long time! How much longer are you planning to stay in a loveless, more or less non existent marriage? And what is the point to be in this marriage if you aren't even really together as a couple for a long time now?

Regarding your ex. To be honest I think he's probably just a crush and escapism for you. You dated him when you were only fifteen years old and seems to me like that was about twenty or so years ago? It might even be that you're not even compatible at all as a couple. People change since their teenage years. Also teenagers sometimes date people just for the experience or because they know them at school and have a limited dating pool. That doesn't mean that you and this ex are truly meant for each other or a good match. I think you're just lonely and neglected in your marriage so you're latching on to the only man who gives you attention. You can't really blame him for dating other women or talking about other women though. You're married so what is he actually supposed to do? Sit and wait for you for another ten years?

 

My kids are 10 and 5 respectively. 

 

Why am I in a loveless marriage? I can come up with a thousand excuses, but that's exactly what they'll be. 

The reality is that I do love my husband but I'm not in love with him - and that's probably because of the rejection I've faced from over the past decade. It's a safe relationship where we both do what we want, even though I do bear the brunt of most responsibilities except financial. 

Since I let go of my career, a decision we made together to raise our children, I don't have a steady income coming in. Walking out of this marriage would mean that I'll have to move in with my parents which means a life in hell. They're extremely conservative and controlling. In my country, I won't be getting child support or a part-time job option - I can't work because I can't leave my children alone (unsupervised). That's why I took on the option to study and become a certified counselor so I could set up an office at home. 

 

I feel I've reached a point where I crave attention - people around me call me needy, but they haven't experienced what I have in this marriage. I want to be loved, I want to feel love, I want to feel the touch of a man, I want to be appreciated, I want to be accepted. These are basic human desires that regardless of man or woman, should be met. 

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13 hours ago, Confused and Distraught said:

Walking out of this marriage would mean that I'll have to move in with my parents which means a life in hell.

No no. Not necessarily.

Can you go back to your previous work field? Even if it means working full time and keeping the kids at home or with a nanny until you come back. At their age, the 15 yo could take care of the 10yo. The 15 yo can heat the food, and then do homework/supervise the 10yo until you get back from work.

The cycle is your marriage. Your partner has repeatedly shown you he doesn't care about your needs. So it's more than safe to say that you can start building your exit plan. A plan to work, divorce, and live at a lovely home with your kids. With time, and healing, you'll be able to pursue other men.

Your husband might not be onboard with the plan once ready, but he doesn't have to. You'll negotiate informal visitations and that's it.

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On 9/13/2021 at 6:01 PM, Andrina said:

Don't your children go to school? I'm not understanding why you can't work during school hours. I don't get why you need an office at home. Do you actually expect the children won't interrupt you when you're doing a session? What was your previous career? 

They have online schooling due to covid. Secondly, there is no concept of a part-time job where I live. My kids actually don't interrupt me during a session because they understand that I'm working. 

As for my previous profession, I was a Banker.

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On 9/13/2021 at 4:48 PM, MissCanuck said:

Out of curiosity, what will you do if your husband finds out about this, and he pulls the plug on the marriage?

Where will that leave you?

I'm currently not doing anything - yes, my ex and I talk every other day - very general conversation and my husband knows that we do. In fact, he's spoken to him a few times as well. 

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