Unemployed boyfriend and I broke up but I feel guilty

[AvalancheLilly25]

Hello, 

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years. We met at the beginning of the pandemic and he was unemployed (like a lot of other people) so I didn’t think much of it. He was working as a head chef at a restaurant previously. 
 

We are both 30 years old. I live on my own and pay all my own bills. I’ve worked the entire duration of the pandemic. He lives with his parents and decided to file for unemployment which was understandable. Over the last year or so he basically just continued to collect unemployment (which his mom filed for him weekly (I found out recently she was doing it). I also found out he doesn’t pay any bills - no rent, cell phone bill, insurance, etc. as his parents pay it all. His mom has also filed for him to receive food stamps even though they live in a $700k house. (She uses his grandma’s address as his residence) This had really started to turn me off and bug me. I was working my butt off this entire time and he was just collecting unemployment, playing Xbox, smoking weed with friends, and hitting the gym every so often. 
 

One productive thing he did the entire time was quit drinking. That’s about it. He didn’t even save any of his unemployment money, he spent most of it on a new motorcycle. 
 

Anyway, I started voicing my concerns to him months ago (when it hit one year mostly). He would get defensive and tell me there is no need for him to get a job when he has money from unemployment. I started to become very frustrated and upset and I guess I became irritable and sometimes not the nicest. He told me that I made him depressed and my nagging for him to work was condescending and mean. 
 

We ended up breaking up last week and for some reason, I feel really down and I feel guilty for sometimes being a little mean. I realize he is probably depressed but I never saw any improvements. He was completely reliant on his parents and the government for 1.5 years. I felt like I didn’t have an equal partner in the slightest. I even offered to help him on so many occasions! I revised his resume, I encouraged him to follow his heart, I offered to help him create a LinkedIn. I even offered to go to AA meetings with him since he quit drinking alcohol as I thought maybe even that could help. He never wanted help, he told me it was suffocating him. 
 

Any comforting words of advice? Has anyone gone through something similar? He was a really sweet, genuine person, just highly unmotivated 😞 

I guess deep down I know it was the right thing to do but I just feel empty. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, AvalancheLilly25 said:

He lives with his parents. he doesn’t pay any bills - no rent, cell phone bill, insurance, etc. as his parents pay it all. His mom has also filed for him to receive food stamps even though they live in a $700k house. 

Sorry this happened. You did the right thing ending it and cutting your losses.

Breakups are hard and hurt, even if it's the right thing to do.

There's a pervasive lack of integrity and basic parasitism, laziness and infantilism.

Better to cut your losses when you realize it's not a simple pandemic situation but how he generally operates.

[Coily]

Sorry to be harsh, but he is a hedonistic bum.  Unfortunately you invested more into him than he was willing to invest in himself, and he would have eventually pulled you down into that churning cesspit. 

You did the only thing that you could, otherwise you would have to bear the brunt of tending to an adult toddler. OP, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and feeling empty after investing so much of yourself into someone takes a toll. Now time to find someone who isn't a burden and won't whine when you try to help.

[DancingFool]

27 minutes ago, AvalancheLilly25 said:

I even offered to help him on so many occasions! I revised his resume, I encouraged him to follow his heart, I offered to help him create a LinkedIn. I even offered to go to AA meetings with him since he quit drinking alcohol as I thought maybe even that could help. He never wanted help, he told me it was suffocating him. 

You absolutely did the right thing by ending this with him.

If there is anything to learn from this is don't ever again do the above. Do not mother a grown man you are dating. Instead, pay attention to his actions and if what he does and how he lives doesn't align with your values, just walk away. 

OP, there is a huge difference between being supportive toward someone who is working their tail off to get their life into gear and trying to push, pull, and coax someone into being who you want them to be. In the former, the person wants to on their own. In the latter, they don't want to change their life at all and then yes, you are being annoying to them because they don't have a problem with how they are living.

Finally, please please pay attention to how his family is for next time. His mother is committing fraud in his name and doing everything for him. Given that's how he was raised and how he is being kept, you should NOT be surprise that he is a lousy human being who feels entitled to do whatever and not work. Why should he?

You were beyond right to dump him and your only mistake is that you didn't do it sooner.

 

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, AvalancheLilly25 said:

I was working my butt off this entire time and he was just collecting unemployment, playing Xbox, smoking weed with friends, and hitting the gym every so often. 

So in other words "perpetual man-child" who is spoiled by his parents and wants to play video games all day and smoke weed with friends?

Yeah, good thing you got away from that, make no mistake about it, you are on much bigger level then him.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you feel sad.  It's normal.  You two didn't share very important values -work ethic and integrity.  Good for you for getting away.

[melancholy123]

Stop with feeling guilty, it's a waste of emotion and your time.  You did the right thing.   This guy is a bum and a freeloader.  As long as the govt gives him pogey he won't get a job, why should he?  When pogey runs out he. may wake up thenn.

Be glad you freed yourself from this guy.

[SooSad33]

You tried... but got fed up with his 'life'.

he is not trying to get out there again - his choice.  You are not his mother.  He needs to be a responsible adult, but at this time, he's enjoying his 'long term holiday'.

I can understand you can't see anything successful in the long run with someone like this.  Don't feel guilt.

Maybe, this will wake him up a bit.. and try to get motivated again. ( and as for his mental health, is up to him to work at dealing with that as well.  There are professionals & doctors he can reach out to....).

Anyways, not your problem.  Yah, it's okay to walk away from this. Was not doing you any good.

 

[AvalancheLilly25]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You did the right thing ending it and cutting your losses.

Breakups are hard and hurt, even if it's the right thing to do.

There's a pervasive lack of integrity and basic parasitism, laziness and infantilism.

Better to cut your losses when you realize it's not a simple pandemic situation but how he generally operates.

Agreed. He kept saying that he felt quitting drinking was a good accomplishment and that he needed time to find himself. I just feel that 1.5 years of doing nothing isn't helping anyone. Not me, not our relationship, and most importantly… not him. I tried being understanding of it but I just can’t get on board with someone who wakes up everyday without even 1 responsibility for that long. I almost find it detrimental to his sobriety at this point. 

[abitbroken]

I think this goes down to different value systems.

If he were unemployed, of course, lots of people were. If he were pursuing other training to try a different line of work while waiting for a job in his field to open up but just hadn't landed a job yet, then that's fine, too. Or caring for a sick parent  But mommy filling out his paperwork? yikes.  Yikes YIKES.

[Rose Mosse]

When the relationship ends the need to judge or be stressed out about a person's personal or career choices also ends. You're likely still reeling from the break up and need more time to regain your footing as a single independent person. You weren't compatible so leave it at that. There's nothing more to worry about on your part. 

Shift the need to worry or that agitation and use that energy for yourself. You have to learn to funnel that back to your own goals. Wishing you the best in this. Let go. 

[Cherylyn]

Don't feel guilty because you did the right thing.  Relationships are not enjoyable nor smooth whenever economic troubles and lack of motivation will never disappear.  Generally sound economics are a sign of good mental and physical health which affects the ability of have stable relationships. 

Your ex-boyfriend had a crutch which was his dependence on his mother to take care of everything for him and government checks.  His needs were met, he has a roof over his head and food on the table plus he has brain space and time for smoking weed, playing video games and gym.  Why would he need to hustle?  He has it made in the shade.

You are better off remaining financially strong and independent and one day being with a man who is industrious and the opposite of lazy. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, AvalancheLilly25 said:

Agreed. He kept saying that he felt quitting drinking was a good accomplishment and that he needed time to find himself.

I know many many people who devote time to personal growth and improvement AND work full time (or if unemployed look for work ASAP).  And in fact it's really hard to find oneself without being productive -whether it's paid work, taking care of one's child or elderly parent, etc.  It's while being productive -even if it's not a dream job - that you have the right perspective from which to grow and "find yourself".  I also know many people who quit drinking while holding down a full time job.

[catfeeder]

It's fine for work ethic to be one of your dealbreakers.

You've given BF a year and a half to demo his, and what did he show you?

Head high, and be kind to yourself.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, AvalancheLilly25 said:

I revised his resume, I encouraged him to follow his heart, I offered to help him create a LinkedIn. I even offered to go to AA meetings with him since he quit drinking alcohol as I thought maybe even that could help.

You were slipping into his Mom's role here. And neither you nor Mommy should be responsible for this. 

You've done the right thing. He is way too old to behaving like a (lazy) teen, and I would be very turned off by any 30-year-old man who is this emotionally immature and unable to function as an adult. 

[SherrySher]

Don't feel guilty.

He is a loser. I'm sorry, but he is. He is a grown man, acting completely irresponsible, scrounging off the government.

He is the type of person that makes the employed, so angry.

He wants to do little to nothing for money and cash in government checks while everyone else works their butts off!

His mother is using his grandmothers address, while they have a 700k house?

That's illegal behavior, right there, and he and his parents could be in serious trouble for that.

Him and his parents are they type of people you should get as far away from as possible.

You shouldn't feel one ounce of guilt. This guy needs to grow up! His parents, (particularly his mother) is doing nothing but enabling him.

Run from these people, and don't look back.

[abitbroken]

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You were slipping into his Mom's role here. And neither you nor Mommy should be responsible for this. 

You've done the right thing. He is way too old to behaving like a (lazy) teen, and I would be very turned off by any 30-year-old man who is this emotionally immature and unable to function as an adult. 

^^^This!

I would do yourself a favor and read up on codependency. There is a BIG difference between the give and take of being there for eachother/being helpful and being codependent. 

 

 

[AvalancheLilly25]

Thanks everyone! I think I just felt guilty because he kept telling me that I was the reason he was smoking weed and that I bring him down by asking him to get a job and such. He also tells me I rush him too much and that after drinking he has to find himself and figure out who the “sober him” is. I guess I should’ve ended it awhile ago instead of waiting and nagging. I don’t agree that doing nothing for 1.5 years is beneficial at all, but I guess that’s where our morals differ. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, AvalancheLilly25 said:

 I was the reason he was smoking weed

I bring him down by asking him to get a job and such. 

I rush him too much

after drinking he has to find himself and figure out who the “sober him” is

Once the dust settles you'll realize even more what a load of horsesh1t his statements are. Good call to end things.

[Cherylyn]

42 minutes ago, AvalancheLilly25 said:

Thanks everyone! I think I just felt guilty because he kept telling me that I was the reason he was smoking weed and that I bring him down by asking him to get a job and such. He also tells me I rush him too much and that after drinking he has to find himself and figure out who the “sober him” is. I guess I should’ve ended it awhile ago instead of waiting and nagging. I don’t agree that doing nothing for 1.5 years is beneficial at all, but I guess that’s where our morals differ. 

He's gaslighting you.  Google "gaslighting."  Gaslighting is deflecting, forcing blame on you, not him, changing the subject during a disagreement or argument, forcing you to change your perception of the facts and forcing you to think that there's something mentally wrong with you, not him.  He's manipulating every conversation with you.  It's the oldest trick in the book and psychological warfare at its nastiest. 

He's a drag.  Get rid of the ball and chain. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, AvalancheLilly25 said:

Thanks everyone! I think I just felt guilty because he kept telling me that I was the reason he was smoking weed and that I bring him down by asking him to get a job and such. He also tells me I rush him too much and that after drinking he has to find himself and figure out who the “sober him” is. I guess I should’ve ended it awhile ago instead of waiting and nagging. I don’t agree that doing nothing for 1.5 years is beneficial at all, but I guess that’s where our morals differ. 

So if you two marry and have a baby let's say and you are tired and ask him more than once to please order diapers or pick up the shopping order you placed so you can catch a quick nap while the baby naps - is it ok for him then to tell you that he smoked pot in the hallway because your nagging stressed him out and so - sorry -but now it's your fault he can't get up and change the baby's diaper in the middle of the night.  Oh please.  The blame game is lame. 

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Once the dust settles you'll realize even more what a load of horsesh1t his statements are. Good call to end things.

^ This is worth repeating.  Good on you for ending it.  And please, for the love of ...., please don't go back to him.

Instead of feeling guilty you should be celebrating!! Pop the champagne and throw a party, lol.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, AvalancheLilly25 said:

Thanks everyone! I think I just felt guilty because he kept telling me that I was the reason he was smoking weed and that I bring him down by asking him to get a job and such. He also tells me I rush him too much and that after drinking he has to find himself and figure out who the “sober him” is. I guess I should’ve ended it awhile ago instead of waiting and nagging. I don’t agree that doing nothing for 1.5 years is beneficial at all, but I guess that’s where our morals differ. 

Whenever someone blames you for THEIR behaviors, what should that tell you?

I agree with the suggestion to research 'gaslighting'. 

Head high, you made the right decision.