Husband tells me that I have no friends

[Forever alone]

I’m in my mid 30. I have been married for about 7 years now and share a 4 year old daughter with my husband. We work in the same business (office), generally from 9am to 7pm 5 days a week. We work in a small group with 5 other staff. The work is demanding and so are the clients. I met my husband right after I graduated from uni and we have been working together since then. Haven’t really taken time off work since I started working and only took 1 month maternity leave. Both of us work full time, our daughter has been attending child care since she was 1 (my parents looked after her before). 

 

I admit I sometimes say things to him that can be framed in a better way. Tonight I said to him that he can speak to colleagues in the office in a better manner rather than raising his voice and screaming at times when he’s stressed, particularly in front of consultants we’ve just engaged. That is not a good look. He then went off on a rant about how he works long hours and that I do not know how to speak properly to him. He said I don’t have any friends and that’s the case because no one likes me. The reason for that is because I don’t know how to speak properly to people. He said I’m otherwise a good wife and good mother but he cannot stand me speaking to him the way I do. It just utterly breaks my heart knowing that that is what he thinks of me. It also hurts partly because it’s true - I don’t have any friends to talk to or confide with. I had many friends back in school but we lost contact along the way. Nowadays I speak to many people on a daily basis and I’m stuffed with work and other people’s problems but there is not a single person in this world I can speak to on a close, private and personal basis. I’m close to my parents but I don’t want to worry them with my troubles. My husband said I can speak to my dad and my siblings in whatever way I want but I can’t do that to him. He said even my siblings will not be able to stand me and may hate me for taking the way I do. 

 

I don’t even recall when was the last time I got time off work or had me-time to explore possibilities of making friends. I work full time during weekdays and clean, cook and entertain my kid during the weekend. My husband does not do chores around the house. I can probably count using my fingers the number of times he has taken out the trash. When I get home during the weekdays, it’s generally after 7:30pm and I’m tired as hell but I have to make dinner and play with my daughter if I have the energy, give her a bath and put her to sleep. He gets home even later, around 8:30pm-ish and I feel bad about that too. 

I haven’t taken a proper break from work since I met my husband and my mental health is suffering. I don’t know how things progressed to the way they are now where he despises what I say. I thought I was working hard for my family and doing what was right for us. At the end of the day I’m just this unlikeable loser with no friends and no one likes me. 

This incident has made me think about things and whether I want to continue my life like this or at least keep the status quo for my daughter. I feel ashamed that I don’t have friends. I feel ashamed that I am a loner and that the only people I speak to during my private time are my parents, my husband and my daughter. Can someone please give me some advice or suggestion?

 

[Batya33]

Here's what I would do.  Hire a weekly housecleaner or at least twice a month.  Do part of your meals with take out and or ready to eat foods.  Lower your standards of cleanliness - dirt is inert after all. 

If your husband doesn't like that he can choose to pitch in with cleaning or food prep.  Then I'd explore joining an activity -here are some ideas - join a gym and do group fitness classes, volunteer where you interact with people -could be a community based organization or a religious one etc.  Look for a book club to join -like through your local library.  Maybe see about volunteering at school.  Yes, I get that right now you can't do some of these things because of covid.  I think being introverted is totally fine and you seem to want to reach out and interact with people also - you don't "have" to but you seem to want to.  

Take your child to places where you can meet adults.  Like a playroom at a museum (what I did), children's theater where there is also an opportunity to attend a before or after event, etc.  Do you talk to moms at the local park you take your child to?  If you don't start or start taking her to more parks.  Fresh air is so awesome for kids.  

I'd not focus on your husband's critique other than to the extent you feel there is truth to it.  He sounds like he's being defensive.  

[DarkCh0c0]

50 minutes ago, Forever alone said:

The reason for that is because I don’t know how to speak properly to people. He said I’m otherwise a good wife and good mother but he cannot stand me speaking to him the way I do.

That's what HE made you believe.

He's being abusive in that. + He doesn't share chores/responsibilities with you.

If you are respectful when talking to him, nothing is wrong with you. And, if you really don't know how to communicate with people then you wouldn't be able to do so with your clients.

I'd say, definitely, a break from work and him is what you need. Relax, and think if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with (and in this case, both of you need to work on this relationship), or let go.

It's also indeed time to review your work-life balance as well. Consider leaving work at 4 or 5pm, and doing some fun or simple activities after work. Even if it's once-twice a week at a book club, park, whatever. You can keep your kid with your parents as you trust then, or do something fun together. Boundaries will be your tools to navigate this- even with your husband who might push back. If he doesn't respect your needs to leave early, go on dates together, or for him to help out in the house, then you know he's not the one.

Finally: You need to start infusing happiness in your life. You deserve it.

[Lambert]

Well. OP... this is quite the pickle now isn't it.... I think the first thing to do is figure out what kind of changes you want to make.

I might do a brainstorming exercise in my journal.  Create these lists:

1. What to keep doing.

2. What to stop doing (or work towards stopping)

3. What to start doing. 

That will help you figure out what you want and what it looks like in active terms.

Then start building a plan. You definitely need some self care, me time, help at home and a therapist. 

Work on individual relationships with your siblings.  They were your first friends.

Maybe there is some truth to what hubs said, but don't internalize it so much. He has his faults, too. We all do.

You're at a cross roads here. You're life as it is, isn't working.  it's time to re-evaluate and don't be afraid to ask for help. It's not a burden for anyone to need or ask for help. But you can keep what you want private. 

It will take time and effort but this situation was created by you and can be fixed by you. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Forever alone said:

Tonight I said to him that he can speak to colleagues in the office in a better manner rather than raising his voice and screaming at times when he’s stressed, particularly in front of consultants we’ve just engaged.

 

Sorry this is happening. he is bullying and rude to you as he is to his clients.

Yes, tell your friends and family about all the verbal abuse and bullying.

Do not take anything a bully says to heart. It's meant put you down and  keep you down.

[DancingFool]

2 hours ago, Forever alone said:

Tonight I said to him that he can speak to colleagues in the office in a better manner rather than raising his voice and screaming at times when he’s stressed, particularly in front of consultants we’ve just engaged

Stop making excuses for him and start facing reality - he is an abusive bully to others and you too. There is no surprise that he turned on you and attacked you fast when you dared to tell him that he is in the wrong. He is, btw.

Overall, you are 100% correct that you need to rethink your life. You are working more than a slave and seem to have zero appreciation for that.

As for keeping the status quo for your daughter.....what exactly is the status quo exactly for her? She is being raised by strangers in daycare. She barely sees her exhausted mother who is literally worked to the bone and her father is an absent abusive ahole. Is that the status quo you want to preserve? What example are you setting for her? Work yourself to death, clean and cater to an abusive husband, men don't need to lift a finger to do anything because they are special snowflakes, right? Would you wish your life as it is right now on her? If not, better start making some drastic changes and show her a better way. Kids learn not from your words, but from your example.

[DarkCh0c0]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. he is bullying and rude to you as he is to his clients.

I don't know why other posters didn't notice this. He yells at and gaslights the woman. It's not acceptable.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Forever alone said:

Tonight I said to him that he can speak to colleagues in the office in a better manner rather than raising his voice and screaming at times when he’s stressed, particularly in front of consultants we’ve just engaged. That is not a good look. He then went off on a rant about how he works long hours and that I do not know how to speak properly to him.

sounds like he doesn't know how to speak to people kindly either.. OR able to take constructive criticism?

I feel you two are MAJORLY stresed out between your work and home life 😕 .. this does not help.

Can you guys not take on another worker or two so you, yourselves can have more of a real break - and not have such long hours & being stuck in work mode & pressures so much..... Everyone needs some down time!

If you can do this, the pressures & tiredness can lessen for your own personal life.

As for you or him & friends... maybe as mentioned, work at being able to have some real down time, maybe join some clubs or seek friends in different ways... locally here, there are friends grp's.. plus I used to play v-ball and crochet.  You need to try & get some sort of a different life going - for your own mentality. ( part of self care).

[Rose Mosse]

You're married. You need to decide on whether you want to work on your marriage. Find solutions to the issues if you do not want to divorce. Ignore the comments about friends and figure out why what he thinks about your social life matters. It may have struck a chord because you would like to make friends. If that's the case, make time for it, arrange someone to look after your child. Do you know of anyone through recommendations or someone whom you trust that can look after your daughter while you go out for a couple of hours? 

If he makes a comment about his long hours, calmly ask him what he's been working on during those hours. What are his tasks and what is he having a problem with? He may be about to be fired with behaviour like that and he senses it. There's no other reason for him to check his temper because he's essentially losing it and on the way out. You're not his mother so you shouldn't be telling him not to raise his voice with clients or consultants. You can however let him know about the negative impact it's having on the business relationships and cite any issues with upcoming projects or lost projects for example. Let him deduce the matter on his own and fix his behavioural issue on his own. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes. 

 

[Coily]

So a couple of things: What is the generic nature of the business you  two work in? And relative positions? I think this is very important in understanding the type of communication the two of you are engaging in.  Also is this a pattern of behavior with your husband or a one off?

Are you both all work/task focused or do you both make time to play with your child?

Is it possible for you to reduce hours or quit your job, IF that is something you would want?

In the past how were your friendships? Were these confidants or were they more fluff lets hang out types?

I am not a fan of how your husband is acting, but I want to dig a little before making an opinion on that. I think the bigger question is what do you want to do about being socially isolated? Others have made great suggestions, I would throw in Meet-up groups as a way to find activities and people to meet.

I have people in my life that one would also consider friendless, they  tend to be either hyper career or family focused. Would your husband be supportive of you finding friends or is he wanting you to limit yourself to family?

[Tinydance]

Do you still love your husband? Are you happy with him and want to work on the marriage? I think what he said to you is mean and very uncalled for. 

I'm just wondering, what is the reason why you both work so much? Are you struggling financially? I don't have kids yet so maybe I can't completely relate, but it seems to me you both work too much. Is there anything you could both work out financially to be able to cut down on your hours?

It just sounds to me like neither of you is spending much time with your daughter. You both don't see her until late evening and then only see her on the weekend. Shouldn't a child spend most of the time or at least a large portion of time with their parents? It sounds like your daughter spends most of the time with the people in childcare. My Dad worked too much and was never around when I was a kid. I'm 36 now and I never had a relationship with him.

I would recommend if it's possible at all that both you and your husband cut down on your hours to be able to have free time. Another option is you could get another job. By working with your husband so many years you don't actually give yourself any opportunity to meet any other people. At a new job maybe you could work less hours and there might be nice colleagues there you could make friends with. 

Another option is you could join some Meetup groups and hobby groups. Even groups for women with children or children's play groups where you could make friends with other Mums. You deserve to have friends.

[Cherylyn]

It sounds as if you're burning out.  Your husband tells you that he doesn't like the way you speak to him.  He's deflecting.  Google "gaslighting."  Instead of taking responsibility for his screaming rants to his colleagues, he turns it around on you by blaming you for speaking the way you do to him.  I can spot a gaslighter from a mile away.  There have been several people in my life who've mastered the ugliness of gaslighting. 

I agree with Batya33 and others here.  I've met many friends through my sons such as play date groups, play date groups at local parks, clubs, organizations, library story time, church (if you're faith based -- many groups and ministries there), met parents at swim lessons (for example).  Those are the places where I met my friends and I have several very close local friends from childhood.

Do some online research regarding parent / child activities in your community.