Trying to move on

[Wainer32]

So it’s been a little over a year now since me and my ex girlfriend broke up. It was honestly the only relationship I’ve been in that I felt completely comfortable in and truly enjoyed. every second was amazing with her at the time. Even she seemed really invested both emotionally, physically, you name it.

But, obviously since I’m here, we split. It was rough but I’ve worked my best to get out of being bummed about it as best I  could.

(As a “quick” side not it wasn’t over anything bad. But “quickly” put it was more about her being bi and wanting to explore that side more and her ending up in a relationship with a girl for the first time a few months later. I’m a guy by the way. She initiated the split but for a long time she would still text me at random times and she still follows me and my family on social media. She even still follows me on a more private account she only follows close friends on. However I don’t follow her and I haven’t even been on anything really as I don’t use mine much anyway. I did notice at the time when I did she started posting more, with the girl too, when she didn’t ever really post stuff like that. Her social media presence changed a bit And I go on here n there and she’ll still randomly reply or just straight up dm me but I just end up ignoring them. She’ll even text about random stuff while she’s still with this girl at random hours still and I do just ignore it all since I’m trying to just move on AND respect her new relationship.)

so with all that said, in the past year I’ve picked up new hobbies and tried to hang with friends more as best I could, given the pandemic, while also looking up legitimate ways to get me out of the funk. Fast forward to now I’m doing alright and these days I’m not really dating and I’ll be having great days! But then out of no where I can’t help but start thinking of her or my favorite moments with her just when I thought I was doing good! I get maybe subconsciously maybe I do still miss us but I’m really just trying to forget and move on. It’s just hard when those memories randomly come up and I kind of get in a less pleasant mood too.

I don’t follow her social media anymore, not sure if she’s noticed, and I’ve got rid of things or ties to the relationship even.

Im just here wondering why I have those random thoughts and feel like *** randomly when I’ve done pretty well to move on...or maybe I haven’t?

any insight is appreciated. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Wainer32 said:

it was more about her being bi and wanting to explore that side more and her ending up in a relationship with a girl for the first time a few months later..she still follows me and my family on social media.

Sorry this happened. You were right to end it. If she wants to explore her sexuality/go out with others she needs to do it on her own time.

The mistake here is not immediately blocking and deleting someone like this who breaks up with you to explore other options.

It's been over a year. It's time to delete and block her And All her people from All your social media and messaging apps.

That way you can move on with women who want what you want and are not confused about who they want to be with.

 

[catfeeder]

You may be confusing letting go of grief with letting go of the hope that ex might one day want to reconcile.

Those are 2 different things. 

If you tie grief and hope together, you'll keep torturing yourself for zero payoff.

Grieving and rumination do NOT raise the possibility that ex will return. In fact, the opposite is true, because nobody is attracted to the idea of returning to someone who's stuck in the past and won't move forward.

Holding onto hope does NOT require holding onto grief and rumination. Hope is something you can set onto a back burner while you focus on building and cultivating the rest of your life. When you do that successfully, the hope become less and less relevant, even while your chances of crossing paths with ex socially someday from a healed and whole place that can handle the encounter in a positive way are actually increased.

So when your goal of reaching higher ground becomes more important to you than ruminating about the past, you'll do that. You might consider pursuing help from a counselor or therapist to learn how to make that shift. Higher ground will give you a whole new perspective that you cannot attain while stagnating.

Consider a goal of building private 'resilience'. This is a necessary life skill to develop, because losses are typical events in everyone's life, and the ability to bounce back from them are the best way to live fully, while playing small to avoid losses is a form of stagnation that will not heal you.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Wainer32 said:

So it’s been a little over a year now since me and my ex girlfriend broke up. It was honestly the only relationship I’ve been in that I felt completely comfortable in and truly enjoyed. every second was amazing with her at the time. Even she seemed really invested both emotionally, physically, you name it.

But, obviously since I’m here, we split. It was rough but I’ve worked my best to get out of being bummed about it as best I  could.

(As a “quick” side not it wasn’t over anything bad. But “quickly” put it was more about her being bi and wanting to explore that side more and her ending up in a relationship with a girl for the first time a few months later. I’m a guy by the way. She initiated the split but for a long time she would still text me at random times and she still follows me and my family on social media. She even still follows me on a more private account she only follows close friends on. However I don’t follow her and I haven’t even been on anything really as I don’t use mine much anyway. I did notice at the time when I did she started posting more, with the girl too, when she didn’t ever really post stuff like that. Her social media presence changed a bit And I go on here n there and she’ll still randomly reply or just straight up dm me but I just end up ignoring them. She’ll even text about random stuff while she’s still with this girl at random hours still and I do just ignore it all since I’m trying to just move on AND respect her new relationship.)

so with all that said, in the past year I’ve picked up new hobbies and tried to hang with friends more as best I could, given the pandemic, while also looking up legitimate ways to get me out of the funk. Fast forward to now I’m doing alright and these days I’m not really dating and I’ll be having great days! But then out of no where I can’t help but start thinking of her or my favorite moments with her just when I thought I was doing good! I get maybe subconsciously maybe I do still miss us but I’m really just trying to forget and move on. It’s just hard when those memories randomly come up and I kind of get in a less pleasant mood too.

I don’t follow her social media anymore, not sure if she’s noticed, and I’ve got rid of things or ties to the relationship even.

Im just here wondering why I have those random thoughts and feel like *** randomly when I’ve done pretty well to move on...or maybe I haven’t?

any insight is appreciated. Thank you.

This is very normal after a break up. Don’t overthink it. It’s you letting go of the relationship and accepting the situation. Be good to yourself and limit all contact. You’ll wonder in the beginning what she’s doing or why things turned out the way they did and feel sad or down but move past that. There’s no rush either. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Wainer32 said:

Im just here wondering why I have those random thoughts and feel like *** randomly when I’ve done pretty well to move on...or maybe I haven’t?

 

You miss her or shall I say the idealized version of her. Often after meaningful relationships we have that feeling when we remember nice moments we had with that person. That is the idealized version of relationship because the fact is, if it was like that, the break up wouldnt happen. That means you are still not on the level where you can freely let go of her, say how it didnt worked out and say how tomorrow you will meet some other girl that would be even greater and would stick round. But you should go to that level in time so no worries. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Wainer32 said:

in the past year I’ve picked up new hobbies and tried to hang with friends more as best I could, given the pandemic, while also looking up legitimate ways to get me out of the funk. Fast forward to now I’m doing alright and these days I’m not really dating and I’ll be having great days! But then out of no where I can’t help but start thinking of her or my favorite moments with her just when I thought I was doing good! I get maybe subconsciously maybe I do still miss us but I’m really just trying to forget and move on.

This is all normal, as it takes time, to fully feel okay again.  It is a process as we learn to accept & move on.

So is okay to get into this funk now & then... ride the wave. It'll lessen in time.

But, is best to remove her totally so you CAN do this properly.. worst thing is to have the lingering reminders and feel unable to try & move ahead totally.. We cannot be 'friends' with an ex while we are trying to get over them ( maybe in your future, when you KNOW you don't have those feelings anymore).

One day at a time, you'll get there 😉 .