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Fishy grooming activity ! Should I be worried?


Loralora
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Hello everyone! I hope you all are doing well.

I have a question around my husbands grooming activity.

We have been married for 2 and a half years now and we have a one year old boy. We are both super busy with work and our one year old, we barely have time to have sex so we have 2 month periods where we go without having sex.

We have solved some bigger issues that we have had. But there are still more. I have a problem trusting him 100%. I never caught him cheating just flirting and lying about things sometimes.

My question is: today I saw he had shaved his private area after he got out of the shower before going to work (the nightshift) and I can't help but wonder...who is he shaving it for? It's not like we're having sex....

So my question is if a husband shaves his private area even though we barely have sex is he shaving it for another woman? 

I understand him shaving it when the temperatures are too high because he can get sweaty and smelly.. but now it's not that hot he usually didn't use to shave it around this time...

Thanks for your answers...

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OP, sorry you are dealing with these worries. 

Sure, shaving for another woman is possible. There are other possible explanations, though. Had he been shaving during the summer months? His recent grooming may just be pattern that he has continued. Or, maybe he wanted to shave to feel attractive/clean/better about himself. 

You wrote that he has lied or flirted in the past. I am curious to know what you mean. Without more information on those circumstances, I don't think you have enough information to conclude that he is cheating. 

Based on the information currently provided, there are major problems in this marriage that will not be resolved through analyzing his grooming activities. You both are not having sex and you do not trust him. You both need to work on these items somehow, otherwise the marriage may not survive. 

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24 minutes ago, Loralora said:

We have been married for 2 and a half years now and we have a one year old boy. We are both super busy with work and our one year old. now it's not that hot he usually didn't use to shave it around this time...

So he usually shaves but not this time of year or regularly? This would not segue to he's cheating unless there were many other issues going on.

 Focus on being more romantic with each other. Babysitters, date nights, etc.

Sadly this seems like another patch in the quilt of generalized marital discord:

 

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Hey @Loralora

I went back and read several of your post. Is this man (your husband) the doctor you posted about in the past? If so you both are doctors correct?

It seems from your other threads you have had a trust issue with your husband since you guys were engaged. It seems there has been a lot of smoke and that usually means fire. If you are both that doctors and well off and you think he may be acting suspicious then look into hiring a PI to prove your suspicions or not. Put a VAR and a GPS in his car. There may actually be a reason that you do not have much sex and why he doesn't complain about it. Best of luck!

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9 hours ago, HappilyMarried1 said:

 Put a VAR and a GPS in his car. 

This is illegal in many jurisdictions. It is also considered stalking in many jurisdictions. It's also useless as far as proving or disproving infidelity.

If the marriage is that bad and this suspicious and there's money, the best advice is to privately and confidentiality consult an attorney regarding options in divorce and how to legally deal with suspicions of infidelity.

Never play detective. Especially ridiculous film noir hollywood nonsense like this. Get appropriate professional advice. 

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12 hours ago, Loralora said:

We are both super busy with work and our one year old, we barely have time

Sounds reasonable.

Unless there are other indicators I would just assume he wants to feel more attractive or comfortable, for which reasons you don’t need to be seeing anyone else.

As wiseman pointed out, best would be to focus also on keeping the romance alive with date nights, finding a babysitter etc. Obviously not soo easy at the moment given the circumstances, but worth the investment.

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Thanks everyone for your answers! 

Yes he is the doctor. We are both doctors and super busy. He works more than I do and is much more busy than I am. But I still think that no matter how busy someone is they have time to be intimate with their partner if they wanted to. Him working so much is not an excuse. I think the flame is burned out a little, especially after having a baby.

I would never hire a private investigator or put a gps on his car...I take it the OP was being sarcastic. I would never take myself down to that level if he would find out he will think I'm a stalker and crazy and will probably want a divorce.

Besides anytime I want to see his location I can..thanks to facebook nearby friends feature it shows you excatly how many km your friends are from you if they allow location on their phone and my husbans always has his location on. That doesn't help cause he can be at work and still cheat if he wanted to.

I think if he was really cheating with time I will find out without any of that private investigator stuff.

I don't know I guess I will talk to him about it...that I don't feel comfortable with us having so little sex and him being so overlygroomed down there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Not sure about the advisability of GPS and other devices in a vehicle.  But it is not unknown for people, perfectly respectable people, (a spouse) to hire a private investigator if a situation warrants this course of action.

Indeed private investigation companies derive most of their business from that particular area of investigation.  Nothing odd about it.  And no, a licensed PI is not a stalker and acts legally on the instructions of his/her client. 

I am NOT saying the OP would or should take this course of action. 

4 hours ago, Loralora said:

I think if he was really cheating with time I will find out without any of that private investigator stuff.

It's your call, OP.  Maybe you will find out, maybe you won't. 

All that said, I can only add "where there is smoke there is fire". 

I felt that it would be helpful to pull up this excellent post of some time back by Bluecastle (this was before you married, and you said back then you would not break off with him and would rather break up AFTER marriage). .  

"I hate to say it, Lora, but the more you write the sadder this all gets.

I'll say it again, with the hopes that something seeps in: the issue here is not about cheating, potential cheating, flirting with cheating, flirting with nurses, or even his shady ways of handling all that. It's that your dynamic, at least right now, seems completely toxic. It's a dynamic in which you are both on edge and at odds with each other.

It's combative, adversarial, spiteful, mistrustful, mean, ego driven, resentful—on both sides.

In nine pages here I have not gotten even a crumb to let me believe you even like this man, as a human, let alone love him. And, as everyone else has said, from what you've written it's very hard to see where and how he likes, loves you, or respects your humanity. I mean, his response to all this is to let you know that he could easily cheat, without you knowing it, thus keeping you on edge? Just as your response to us is to let us know men are into you, that you could leave him in a heartbeat, using as a proxies to keep him on edge?

That's not warmth, not the glue for relationship or marriage. That's a sword fight between two headstrong people who, deep down, feel weakened by the other.

Some relationships are purely toxic, some go through toxic phases. The only way out of toxicity is for both people to see the poison, acknowledge it, come to a mutual acceptance of what it is, and commit to eradicating it before it continues to spread. Maturity, self-awareness, shared goals, shared hopes, and mutual respect is needed for that. So is genuine love.

And this is what concerns me—that neither of you have the humility required to see it.

You see surface tensions, but not what's undergirding them, the deeper churn, the poison. More concerning: I fear that the way you each handle the surface tensions—through combat, through manipulation—is what generates the "heat" of the relationship that allows you both, on some core level, to feel it's worth it, or at least to be addicted to the drama. Warfare being mistaken for passion, drama for depth.

The well gets more poisoned by your attempts to dilute it, because on some level you both worry that without the poison there is nothing.

For you, everything will be better, or at least manageable, or at least worth a try, if he reigns it in with the nurses, or if (cringe) you can scare him enough to reign it in. For him, everything will be better if you just chill, stop being so jealous, stop overreacting about behavior he sees as totally normal, totally okay."

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If the vehicle is in both your names then you can install what ever you want and it isn't illegal. 

If he is cheating it is at work but you already know that don't you?  If you don't trust him then you will keep finding/seeing clues whether they are real or not.

  What about addressing the core illness in the relationship instead of just treating the symptoms?  

  I think you both need help figuring out how to make this marriage work with the careers you both have.  Just winging it is not working so it is time for a specialist.

Are you both willing to sit down and discuss the elephant in the room?

Lost

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5 hours ago, Loralora said:

I think if he was really cheating with time I will find out without any of that private investigator stuff.

Best of luck. I was only trying to help it looks like by a bunch of your previous post  that you seemed to have trust issues and in your post you suspect he could be unfaithful for several years. The suggestion of a PI (especially if you are so busy) would get you definitive evidence fairly quickly without much effort on your part. I guess if you are not truly that worried you can continue on like you have for the last several years and maybe find out some day.

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19 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

there are major problems in this marriage that will not be resolved through analyzing his grooming activities. You both are not having sex and you do not trust him. You both need to work on these items somehow, otherwise the marriage may not survive. 

And you know, OP, none of this is anything new.  You've been living in this morass of insecurity and lack of trust for the past years.  I recall a poster, BC I think it was, who said it seemed as if you don't even LIKE this man,let alone love him. 

You are asking us here if we think he is being unfaithful, because of x, y, z.  We can't say, and in reality you don't WANT to know, do you.  Hence, your knee jerk reaction to the perfectly valid idea of a PI. 

Living on this kind of knife-edge is not good for you, OP.  I recall the state you got yourself into about the "sl**ty nurse" at the hospital who asked him to have a coffee with her. 

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6 hours ago, Loralora said:

Thanks everyone for your answers! 

Yes he is the doctor. We are both doctors and super busy. He works more than I do and is much more busy than I am. But I still think that no matter how busy someone is they have time to be intimate with their partner if they wanted to. Him working so much is not an excuse. I think the flame is burned out a little, especially after having a baby.

I would never hire a private investigator or put a gps on his car...I take it the OP was being sarcastic. I would never take myself down to that level if he would find out he will think I'm a stalker and crazy and will probably want a divorce.

Besides anytime I want to see his location I can..thanks to facebook nearby friends feature it shows you excatly how many km your friends are from you if they allow location on their phone and my husbans always has his location on. That doesn't help cause he can be at work and still cheat if he wanted to.

I think if he was really cheating with time I will find out without any of that private investigator stuff.

I don't know I guess I will talk to him about it...that I don't feel comfortable with us having so little sex and him being so overlygroomed down there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think saying, "I am not comfortable with you grooming and us not having sex" is the right call. First, saying that is unreasonable: it is his body and he can groom it how he pleases. Second, it is secondary to and dependant on the actual concern. You would not be upset about his grooming if the two of you were having regular sex. So, therein lies the primary problem. 

Rather, you should communicate your concern that you are not having enough sex, and it makes you worry that the flame has burned out between you two.

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7 hours ago, Loralora said:

He works more than I do and is much more busy than I am. But I still think that no matter how busy someone is they have time to be intimate with their partner if they wanted to.I think the flame is burned out a little, especially after having a baby.

Work on this. Babysitters, friends, extended family, etc. Date nights. Rekindle the flame.

This is an adjustment to new parenthood, intimacy and marriage issue not a manscaping issue.

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Andrina said this to you OP seven or eight months ago:

"Why do you have so little faith in him that he'd cheat? Didn't you know him long enough to determine his character before marrying him? "

So, OP, what is your response to the various posts on here? 

Do you think "date nights" are feasible? And if they are would they actually re-kindle the flame (which if one goes by any of your threads was never really there to begin with).  Could you not join him for a few hours at those coffee shops he likes frequenting with his friends when he isn't working?  You said you don't mind not having sex at all, but I wager your husband may feel differently. 

I take it you are back in Albania? (although you were in the U.K. at one point). I say this because you remarked that men from there don't help at all in the household.

 

 

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I'm sorry you're going through this, and I agree with not hiring a PI or installing a GPS. If you're mistrustful enough to do those things, then that's really the only answer you need.

Nobody but you can answer whether you trust your husband, or not.

If not, then no comments from anyone here will change that.

I would speak with husband about your sex life and what he perceives as potential answers about that, and if he won't go there to resolve that, then what more do you need to know?

Write more if it helps.

 

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Not much point in being mistrustful if you don't have any proof!   The mistrust may be completely unfounded, and may be based on extreme jealousy only.  Or there may be actual grounds for the mistrust. 

I am not saying the OP should hire the services of a PI.

I certainly would, as at least I would have an answer one way or the other. Mind you, PIs are expensive!  And discreet.

Just thought I'd quote this from a U.K. PI agency: 

TRUST YOUR INSTINCT

Out of the 939 cheating partner and infidelity investigation cases we have worked in the past 18 months, over 98% of the cases proved that the clients suspicions were correct and they received the evidence to prove it.

 

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Could he be cheating, yes.. he could be.

Your sex life isn't what it used to be, you have a new baby, and suddenly he has a change in grooming.

All of those things can be signs pointing towards a possible cheating partner.

But is he for sure? It would be impossible for any of us to answer that.

The only thing you can actually do, is sit down with him, tell him your concerns.

Be genuine, and gentle, and not accusatory. Talk to him like a friend, not like someone you're trying to catch out.

If you are willing to communicate with your husband what's been bothering you, and what you've noticed that has you worried, he will hopefully be willing to address your concerns and be honest with you.

That's all you can do right now.

I hope you'll be able to talk it through. Good luck, and congrats on the new baby!

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You know Lora, your situation is so stressful as to be nightmarish. This excerpt is you just one year ago:

"He even gets angry when I go out and I am late because he doesn't want to spent time at home when he can spet it with friends. He always makes sure I leave formula for the baby ready made when I get out and tells me to come back for the next feeding because he doesn't even know how to make it. I told him I'll show you but he wasn't interested.

He's like "don't be late because I'm meeting an X friend for coffee in two hours." It's just frustrating he can't stay one day at home all day long !!

Another interesting fact is that these friends of his are either single or divorced... "

Of course they are! His married friends (men) , if he has any married men friends, are probably responsible guys who take their family duties seriously.   

In essence, your husband is what is called "a bachelor husband". He got married to you, but in his mind he isn't married. 

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Wait what???

He is a doctor and cannot make formula?   There are 11 yr olds out there making formula for their moms new baby.

  Counseling for you first so you can figure out why you married this guy and then more counseling so you can decide if you should even try to save  this marriage such as it is.

Lost

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OP, the issue isn't about your husband's grooming habits, it's about your HUSBAND and how you don't trust him at ALL. 

From your previous posts, he's shown you again and again who he is.  So, WHY do you just look for clues (spying on his phone, reading into the man-scaping) to justify your distrust when you already KNOW he is unfaithful, a liar, disrespectful, etc.  You KNOW these things, continuing to compile proof means nothing if you just plan to complain and stay with him anyway.  

This is who he is.  Period.  He's not changing. He's PROVEN it by you talking to him and his behavior staying the same and getting worse.  He doesn't respect you. Your choices are stay with him and accept it or get divorced.  That's it.  And if you continue to stay with him, you might as well STOP playing "detective" because you already KNOW who he is and what he's doing.  He's a DOG.  Sorry, didn't mean to insult dogs.  Dogs are loyal. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

you already KNOW he is unfaithful, a liar, disrespectful, etc.  You KNOW these things, continuing to compile proof means nothing if you just plan to complain and stay with him anyway.  

Absolutely right, RS.  We've been saying this to the OP in so many ways.  But OP does not WISH to face this reality, and indeed has not even come back to respond to the many posts. (Same with last thread). 

Even if photographs were handed to her today in the typical large beige envelope, with a recording, she would find a way to argue around the issue.   

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