Is it cheating?

[DoesItEvenMatter]

I recently went through my husbands phone. I found messages of him messaging a girl asking her to be a rope model so that he could practice rope tying as he wants me and him to do more of that in the bedroom. I was out of town when he messaged a girl. It isn't someone that I thought would be considered a close enough friend to practice anything like that with even if he didn't have any sexual intentions with the encounter. She declined his offer but I still feel so uncomfortable that he would even think it was okay to ask someone that. He was upset that I feel like it's hard to trust that he had no hope of the interaction turning into anything sexual. Am I being crazy? I have often wondered if he is faithful to me, I just don't know what to do. 

[Seraphim]

I would consider it cheating. Plus I call BS he wanted to try to “ learn”. That is a crock. 

[HeartGoesOn]

I'd tell him you were born at night, but it wasn't last night.  

I'm sorry you're in this situation.   Trust your intuition...

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I would consider it cheating. Plus I call BS he wanted to try to “ learn”. That is a crock. 

I agree.  Total BS.  He really must think you are not the brightest crayon in the box.  OP, trust your instinct - it's definitely telling you something is not right.

[Tinydance]

Well the reason why this is dodgy is because the person he should want to practice on is YOU.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, DoesItEvenMatter said:

. I found messages of him messaging a girl asking her to be a rope model so that he could practice rope tying as he wants me and him to do more of that in the bedroom. 

What inspired you to go through his phone? Were there suspicions?

Do you two belong to any BDSM groups/forums?

Where did he find this woman?

Why can't you two practice?

Join a yacht club and they'll teach both of you all about rope tying.

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, DoesItEvenMatter said:

Am I being crazy?

You're only being crazy if you believe your husband's BS story!! What a crock. It makes absolutely no sense, and his 'hurt feelings' are just icing on the whole BS cake. I sincerely hope that you manage to disentangle your life from this creep of a husband. 

[Lambert]

11 hours ago, DoesItEvenMatter said:

He was upset that I feel like it's hard to trust that he had no hope of the interaction turning into anything sexual. 

He was upset?  HE was upset? 

Don't you see the ridiculousness and manipulate nature of this? 

Total bs... your husband is not dumb but he must think you might be.  Who practices sex acts without it actual sex? Liars that's who.

And how is he close enough to another woman to ask her to do this? 

She declined? There must be more between them.

Think about that. Is it normal to ask a random person to practice tying me up? NO! ITS NOT.

Unless you guys are swingers or have some other arrangement in your marriage. 

You are being duped, girl. 

[DancingFool]

Are you being crazy? No. Are you in a bit of denial about what a cheating pos your husband really is and has always been? Yes. Remember that whatever you stumble onto is always just the tip of the iceberg with cheaters.

So yes, your instincts have been right all along and you should listen to them. By that I mean get a good divorce lawyer and get rid of him. Also, get tested for all STD's. Life is so much better when you don't have that sinking feeling in your stomach that something is off eating away at you.

[smackie9]

Think about it....he can go on youtube and learn anything. His story is a lie.

[reinventmyself]

13 hours ago, DoesItEvenMatter said:

He was upset that I feel like it's hard to trust that he had no hope of the interaction turning into anything sexual. Am I being crazy? I have often wondered if he is faithful to me, I just don't know what to do. 

Text book act to flip you on the mat and instead of either of you acknowledging your legitimate concern. . He flips you on the mat and makes it all about him being upset.  He's thrown himself into victim mode in an attempt to gaslight you.  And it worked!   It's thrown you off balance and now wondering if you are crazy?

Your so busy dealing with his *upsetted-ness that you don't get a chance to deal with your profound disappointment and consequences of your husband seeking attention from other women.   I personally don't believe this was a one time isolated act. Where there is gas, there's fire.  This just happened to be the one you came across.

[DoesItEvenMatter]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What inspired you to go through his phone? Were there suspicions?

Do you two belong to any BDSM groups/forums?

Where did he find this woman?

Why can't you two practice?

Join a yacht club and they'll teach both of you all about rope tying.

We met in highschool, he fooled around with an ex early on. I have had trust issues ever since then. I forgave him because he came clean immidiatly after it happened, I was also 16

We have been married for 9 years now, I guess I never really trusted him after that. He spends a lot of time online, I think he messages other women through discord and such but I have pretty low self esteem and thought for a while that this was it for me.

We do not belong to any groups, he wants us to spice things up because apparently I seem uninterested in sex but honestly I am just exhausted, I go to school and work pluse we have to children the youngest is 2.

The woman was an old ex of my brothers, not someone I thought either of us were friends with just someone we still were friends with on facebook. He sais he asked her because she seemed like she wouldn't be judgmental about it.

I asked him why we can't practice and would it be okay for me to practice sex stuff on other guys, he said obviously not and that he sees how dumb it was now.

 

[DoesItEvenMatter]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

He was upset?  HE was upset? 

Don't you see the ridiculousness and manipulate nature of this? 

Total bs... your husband is not dumb but he must think you might be.  Who practices sex acts without it actual sex? Liars that's who.

And how is he close enough to another woman to ask her to do this? 

She declined? There must be more between them.

Think about that. Is it normal to ask a random person to practice tying me up? NO! ITS NOT.

Unless you guys are swingers or have some other arrangement in your marriage. 

You are being duped, girl. 

I know, I feel very stupid, I even comforted him. Sigh

[DoesItEvenMatter]

23 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Text book act to flip you on the mat and instead of either of you acknowledging your legitimate concern. . He flips you on the mat and makes it all about him being upset.  He's thrown himself into victim mode in an attempt to gaslight you.  And it worked!   It's thrown you off balance and now wondering if you are crazy?

Your so busy dealing with his *upsetted-ness that you don't get a chance to deal with your profound disappointment and consequences of your husband seeking attention from other women.   I personally don't believe this was a one time isolated act. Where there is gas, there's fire.  This just happened to be the one you came across.

I think I would have felt better if he had just admitted to any part of it.

I even comforted him, I'm not sure what to do at this point.

I feel sick about thewhole thing

[Lambert]

9 minutes ago, DoesItEvenMatter said:

I know, I feel very stupid, I even comforted him. Sigh

That's ok. you are allowed to change your thinking. And be mad! you don't have to wait for him to do something else.

If he were to say something like "that's over. you said so." or something that would make you feel like you are in the wrong.  You know what you say? 

You say, "guess what.  I changed my mind. my life. my rules. what you did is cheating! and I'm offended that you tried to manipulate me into thinking I was losing my mind."

Listen, he's not playing by the rules. This is not love. That's how people manipulate others. They use your good morales and forgiving nature against you. 

You owe him nothing. his actions caused this. NOT YOUR REACTION.

[smackie9]

That's why he stuck with you, because he knows you have low self esteem. He can easily manipulate you and continue on with his lies and cheating. I think you have given enough of yourself to this marriage. You deserve better. I suggest you seek out therapy, and get away from his grip of manipulation.

[SooSad33]

I would be upset if my hubby did this, for sure!  Totally disrespectful. 😕 

I wonder if he's maybe missing the intimacy you two once had?  AS you said you're so overwhelmed & tired?

Either way, you do NOT seek out another woman to 'assist' in something like this, when it should be between a couple.

You say your trust in him is not there?  Is maybe time to just call it quits?

Even if you were to seek couple's therapy, I doubt you can feel okay & recover from any of this now.

[DoesItEvenMatter]

Thank you for everyone who responded, I am thankful for all the clarity on the situation. 

I didn't want to question my marriage if it was something that was trivial. 

[DoesItEvenMatter]

1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

I would be upset if my hubby did this, for sure!  Totally disrespectful. 😕 

I wonder if he's maybe missing the intimacy you two once had?  AS you said you're so overwhelmed & tired?

Either way, you do NOT seek out another woman to 'assist' in something like this, when it should be between a couple.

You say your trust in him is not there?  Is maybe time to just call it quits?

Even if you were to seek couple's therapy, I doubt you can feel okay & recover from any of this now.

Maybe, I heard something once that was like if you only love your self 30% and someone loves you 20% that it feels like a lot. This past year I have absolutely stopped pretending to be happy and okay just to make him happy. I also stopped having sex if I wasn't in the mood. 

I'm not opposed to counseling if he is willing to be honest but I'm not sure if he is. I love him but I need to love me more. I want it work but I'm tired of the lack of trust, idk if I will ever be able to trust him.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, trust is a big thing.  It's necessary for a happy relationship.  as is communication, etc.

I agree, you DO need to learn to respect & love yourself.  I know plenty who don't 😕 .

I have been through plenty of fails in my day and I have presently no yearning or energy to even look twice at the idea of being involved again.

But, yes every couple has their issue's.

Is up to you on whether you feel you can do this.. consider therapy to work on things.. - or is just too much damage now.

[DarkCh0c0]

Where are the lack of trust come from? Did he lie/cheat before?

If you're not happy in the relationship, and he doesn't care, then this relationship has come to an end. He takes you too much for granted.

[DoesItEvenMatter]

24 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Where are the lack of trust come from? Did he lie/cheat before?

If you're not happy in the relationship, and he doesn't care, then this relationship has come to an end. He takes you too much for granted.

He fooled around with an ex when we were just dating. We were teenagers so I let it go and we worked it out and got married, I told him because of it I wasn't comfortable with him maintaining relationships with his ex's. Through out the years he has continued to communicate with his ex's, one of which he said was crazy and manipulative so I'm not sure why he would want to know how she was doing. Everytime he would say that he didn't realize it was an issue for me and that I could see the conversations and they were just casually catching up. 

I think he loves me, I just don't believe he ever considers my feelings about anything. 

[smackie9]

I think time away from him might be just what you need.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, DoesItEvenMatter said:

I am just exhausted, I go to school and work pluse we have to children the youngest is 2.

Ok. Focus on work, school and your children. Stop doing chores and errands for him. Only shop, cook, do laundry, etc. for yourself and your children.

It serves several purposes. You won't feel exhausted, you won't feel resentful, most importantly he won't have all this extra time on his hand to screw around with BDSM and women.

 Stop being a servant. Go out with friends and family much more. Join some clubs, groups, gyms, etc.

 See your doctor for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Including STDs. Get a referral for individual therapy. Do not do marriage therapy, he'll play victim.

Also consult an attorney about your options in divorce. Stop talking to him about your feelings. Never have sex under duress. Do not tell him about doctors, therapists or attorneys. Just be very busy.

Actions speak louder than words and get results, but you need to make the changes you need and want rather than hoping he'll suddenly be a stellar man if you play kink games with him.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

44 minutes ago, DoesItEvenMatter said:

Everytime he would say that he didn't realize it was an issue for me and that I could see the conversations and they were just casually catching up. 

I think he loves me, I just don't believe he ever considers my feelings about anything

He doesn't realize it? Honey, he isn't 15. He knows what he's doing, and to get away from consequences he makes you sound like the bad guy. When in reality, it's him!

Someone who loves you doesn't keep contact with ex's, and doesn't take you for granted.

As wiseman suggested, it's time to take care of you and seek better things in life. It's scary, cause you haven't know other partners/things in life as you committed yourself to him from a young age. But, there's so much better for you out there. Let your family and friends help you out of this relationship and stop *falling for his lies. You are better and smarter than this.