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Guy friend, maybe more?


JustAstrongGirl
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I’m in an unusual situation (for me anyway). I’ve found myself crushing on someone I’ve known for a while (about 1.5 years)—we started doing music lessons on zoom and when vaccinations came about we started doing in person lessons (masks on). He comes over to my house since I have the space and ability for louder volumes. We bonded well during Covid, and we get a long really well. Things got even more fun and awesome in person. We jam together, then hang out for HOURS after. Sometimes when he comes over he stays for 6-7 hours!! No joke. We can talk and talk, fun topics to sad ones. There was one point we did a zoom lesson while I was traveling and it was a 5 hour hang out. When I visit him at his shop, she treats me so well and special. We gave each other birthday gifts for each of our birthdays. We text somewhat regularly, but not too crazy with that. When we talk on the phone, which is sometimes a couple days out of the week, it’s usually no less than an hour, but up to 3!

I am in my early 40s, he's mid 50s.  We are like big kids together. It’s fun and feels super safe and so nice! He is very polite to me also. He has said flirty things, makes jokes all the time (always makes me laugh), I have too, and I have seen the “sparkle eye” with him if you know what I mean. Ha!

Its been a little confusing though, bc for his bday I offered to take him out for drinks and he said he was going to have a low key night, but then did a small music gig last minute when he was invited out to that. He sent tons of selfies that night and really over explained himself. I think he felt guilty?  I’m cool with whatever he wants to do, but thought it was odd he did that. A week later I visited him at his shop, we chatted after his work for an hour before I said I need a coffee. He said he had a 4 o’clock but told me to follow him to show me where a coffee shop was. Before I knew it he was parking. I asked if his 4pm was here, and he said yes, “my 4 o’clock is at this coffee shop.” Apparently I was his 4pm appointment. We tail gated (being safe with Covid outside) for a few hours and sipped coffee and watched funny youtube videos.

Anyway we see each other usually once a week for our lesson and always hang out after. Like I said the texting isn’t too crazy, he’s not a big texter, better on the phone or in person. I’m unclear what to do here other than enjoy this friendship, which has been really great. He has soul, super smart and empathic. I kinda sense he might not want to risk ruining things, I don’t either. I really value this human. Another thing too, about 6 months ago I got out of an abusive relationship (verbally not physically), and my friend was one of the first to know… and was actually super supportive of me. I have gone to therapy for this also, and feel the healthiest I’ve ever been! I wonder if he may be playing this slow also, because of the timing. Again, shows respect if anything here (maybe caution also, again that’s ok).

Seeking insight on this. I normally don’t find myself with such soulful humans, it’s a blessing. For now, one day at a time as I enjoy this beautiful life 🙂 thanks all!!

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Considering you are at least decent in attractiveness sure this guy would probably be interested I would say.

You just need to put a move on him. 
 

invite him out for some drinks or whatever, outside of music.

should work out 

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I am considered attractive, but I’m super humble and shy about this. 
 

And yes I take lessons from him. He has invited me to his shows also bc he knows how much I love that kind of thing. I am going to invite him to some of my sporting events I partake in to see if he shows interest. 

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In that case, since you are his source of income, he is not likely to take things further with you. He may not be in position where he can compromise that even if it's not a lot of money. 

If you really want to know, then next time you two hang out, just ask him if he'd ever date a student of his. His response should tell you where he really stands on that and whether you can pursue more, as in ask him on a date, or stop and just enjoy his friendship.

What I don't recommend doing is trying to get more enmeshed with him and invest more time and feelings into this without knowing where you really stand.

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He barely charges me anything, it’s a silly low amount…which is really odd. He charges people way more than me normally. He’s “forgotten” to invoice before also, which I remind him. I thought about the money thing to, but I honestly don’t feel he needs my money. Hmm. But still a consideration.

Edited by JustAstrongGirl
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Even so, I'd just ask him a simple question about how he feels about dating a student of his. It will allow you some easy perspective without necessarily putting yourself and your friendship with him on the line. Depending on how he responds, you can take it from there.

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30 minutes ago, JustAstrongGirl said:

Nope he is single. 

Do you want this to evolve into more than a professional relationship and friendship?

Take your time. Enjoy. But given your recent relationship situation, keep both feet on the ground. 

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He sounds decent enough.. BUT, do you know anything about his own past?  Does he even go there?  ( I know he is aware of your past...).

It does sound pleasant enough that you feel good, hanging out together, after your session. ( this is often the 'easy part' - no pressures/ expectations).

So, maybe, as mentioned, ask him if he'd ever consider dating a student... ( Hoping it doesn't affect this friendship you've got now, etc).

Otherwise, maybe do step back a bit.. lessen communications/ hang outs.. If you're getting so keen on him and he may not be feeling the same.

 

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1 hour ago, JustAstrongGirl said:

He said he had a 4 o’clock but told me to follow him to show me where a coffee shop was. Before I knew it he was parking. I asked if his 4pm was here, and he said yes, “my 4 o’clock is at this coffee shop.” Apparently I was his 4pm appointment.

Thats really sweet

Though I have a feeling you moved a bit too much on a friends scale. So you would have to be a bit "cheeky" to get an answer. For example to ask somethng that would warrant a reaction like if he thinks you are attractive.

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Soooo since people have mentioned that I should ask if he’d date a student, he did say he makes a policy not to date band members, or fans—but he has made a few exceptions. I’m not a band member or a fan… not sure what this means. 

He did tell me some relationship stories, one was pretty sad—I don’t pry much on that because I like what our present is. We don’t talk too much about past but we have. Our chats are more focused on current life, fun things, we can talk politics, and how we feel about things in life etc, ethics etc. 

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The reason I say just ask him a sort of neutral question is because unless he is completely dense, given your connection, he'll read between the lines. This gives him a nice opportunity to either reject you very softly by telling you that he never would cross that line or that he would with the right person, which then opens room for asking for a date.

Don't try to read tea leaves and don't keep getting more enmeshed only discover later that he never saw you as more than a friend he enjoys talking to.

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28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Take your time. Enjoy. But given your recent relationship situation, keep both feet on the ground. 

Also I agree with this. Given your past relationship history, do be sure to stay centered and keep your feet on the ground. After abuse, anyone showing some basic human decency can seem as way more than they really are just because you are absolutely starved for it.

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2 hours ago, JustAstrongGirl said:

am in my early 40s, he's mid 50s.  We are like big kids together. It’s fun and feels super safe and so nice! He is very polite to me also. He has said flirty things, makes jokes all the time (always makes me laugh), I have too, and I have seen the “sparkle eye” with him if you know what I mean. Ha!

Its been a little confusing though, bc for his bday I offered to take him out for drinks and he said he was going to have a low key night, but then did a small music gig last minute when he was invited out to that. He sent tons of selfies that night and really over explained himself. I think he felt guilty?

In my experience, with guys like this where you think you see a spark, yet he never makes that leap to ask you out or bows out of an invite by you, it usually means that he's just not that into you. He likes being around you because it feels good to have a fan. It's good for his ego.

From what I've witnessed in life about people I've known and their behavior, if he was feeling this amazing connection with you as more than friends, he'd take a risk to lose you as a customer to gain a life partner.

If you get an answer either with a direct conversation, or because more time has passed with no progression to dating, you'll probably want to lessen this intense friendship to a more reasonable level. Stop thinking of him as dating material and start thinking of him as your teacher who you are casual friends with. Because if it's a bf you want, you won't have time to  add one to your life if you're spending 3 hours on the phone with him and 6 or 7 hours hanging out after a lesson.

When someone doesn't make it crystal clear he's into you, it's best to assume he's not. Flirting means nothing without asking or accepting a date. Flirting can be a way to keep you on the hook so he doesn't lose a fan. And don't think he's so kind he would never do this. People are complex. And sometimes you have them on a pedestal they don't deserve. It's happened to me at least once in my life.

Take care and keep us updated.

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Any hours he's spending with you is eating into his hours doing something else so I believe there is some interest there, platonic or otherwise. A conversation is needed or at least some openness about what you're both doing. It sounds like a complete waste of time on both your parts if you're not on the same page or if he's not wanting to date or doesn't want a relationship. 

You seem very attached already or a little too starry eyed for what this is. 

 

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You left an abusive relationship 6 months ago. And you have been friends like this for a year and a half. its tricky when someone meets you while you are in a relationship == he could have taken on the "male girlfriend" role with you if that makes sense. Or you were "safe" because you weren't available. Have you been through some therapy to learn to recognize healthy boundaries so you don't accept another one down the road?

I encourage you to make more friends (or sign up for volunteer gigs, or whatever) so you are not crushing on him because he's simply there.  I would simply at times have other plans and not let things be a 6-7 hour hangout (have to wrap it up in an hour or two) or have to get off the phone after half an hour or so because you are on your way to meet a female friend, volunteer opp or book reading.  It doesn't have to be that you have a date. If you are less available to hang out in one sitting, he is going to have to make an effort to see you outside of "lessons".  

In some ways, you are giving him quantity over quality -- if you tried giving him less quantity -- not as a game, but naturally not relying on him so much for emotional support or entertainment, he might have to make a move to see you more or he won't and you will be a more well rounded person with a bigger support group.

You have already tried to suggest something datey - going for drinks and he declined. He said he wanted a quiet evening in - he could have invited you over for a drink for that quiet evening but he didn't. 

Do you think that he likes you as a friend but you are just not his type?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by abitbroken
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I absolutely love all these feedbacks. All of you have given some great thoughts. I’m contemplating all sides of the coins!

I was in therapy while I ended my last relationship, it actually lasted longer than it should have because I had to protect some financial assets. But I prepared my escape fast. When I left, I felt wonderful relief and truly worked very hard to look at why I stayed to begin with and have grown into someone I really respect (that’s a lot of self parenting). Plus It wasn’t a long relationship, two years total. I took the last year to prep my escape. Covid made it more of a challenge. I did go on lots of dates once single just to see what was out there and actually met some very nice men—just nobody I felt a good click with… until well… you know who.

Since I tend to appear stoic, now it is very possible that he can’t get a read on me. I have an excellent poker face. So I have to own that I might’ve made this man kinda confused too. 

I’m not sure what his type is… maybe it’s a question I can tease out…He might feel I’m out of his league given my career status etc. but it might be worth noting he masks up everywhere and is extremely cognizant of not spreading Covid and he’s actually very concerned about giving me Covid. He wears his mask at my house And actually doesn’t go out to eat or drink socially he just basically goes to gigs plays on the stage and then goes home he doesn’t really hang around in groups at all with this going on. But who knows why he politely declined my invite… My first hit was that I scared him (he’s shy) but not sure! It wouldn’t be the first shy guy I scared away. *shrug*
 

All that said I’ve been trying to be very careful about not putting more into those “relationship “than what he’s putting in so I try not to initiate all the conversations and I let him guide how much time he wants to invest… Because I do not want to have any sense of codependency because in reality I really do enjoy my freedom but would like to find a nice life partner.

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Well your friendship with him sounds really nice and I'm glad that you've found that. I really want this to work out for you but at the same time I just want to be honest as well. You know that phrase "men and women can't be friends"? Most of my male friends have either wanted to hook up or date me. Partially for those reasons I don't actually have many male friends. I have three close male friends and two of them I have hooked up with. The third one is gay lol 

So basically what I'm getting at is if you hang out so much together all the time for 1.5 years and you get along so fantastic, why has he never made any move on you? Especially as he's single. Why would he be doing nothing and letting you "get away", in the romantic sense? I think maybe you've been friend zoned, but I could be wrong of course.

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7 hours ago, JustAstrongGirl said:

 who knows why he politely declined my invite… My first hit was that I scared him.

That's ok. It doesn't seem like he is scared or intimidated. 

It seems like he is being professional and appropriate. Step back a bit. 

It's ok to have a crush. The proverbial "crush on the teacher" thing.

Enjoy your lessons and friendship. Do not put him in awkward positions. You may want a "life partner", and that's fine.

Try to view this as an introduction to the type of man and type of qualities and characteristics you are looking for. Not as a future husband.

 

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