Explain or help?

[Openreach]

Hi there. Long term relationship (14 yrs) ended amicably at the beginning of the year. Still kept in contact. Noticed a change recently in frequency of contact (not much) and then very short replies and i suspected a new guy which was confirmed. 

I actually new before the answer was fully typed as it was taking so long to answer.... Just immediately felt sick, upset, empty, bit scared

So I was ok before then and in the back of my head was readying myself for this as i thought its only a matter of time. Since knowing about NewGuy my world feels like its fallen apart.

I've suffered with bad post break up anxiety before and i don't know how to stop it.

Anyone have any advice? Thank you. 

 

[Nicky2210]

I'm really sorry you feel that way.

Unfortunately it will get only better with time. Don't feel pressured though to feel good again. The only way through sadness is by allowing to feel it.

Try to do something nice for yourself and know your worth.

What helped me through my first breakup was, knowing that I still can have feelings for my ex but redirecting them in a positive way by wishing him the best even if it's not with me and knowing that I too deserve love.

 

[Lambert]

I'm sorry. it hurts no matter what when you find out they moved on.

Try to remember this a lot of your ego, telling you, to fear. That's what the ego does.  it makes narratives out of situations.  It's actually a survival mechanism but we get in our own way at times.

Look at it as an observer... you guys had a great run, 14 years! But ending was for the best. The ex is on their journey and you're on yours. Of course you want them to be happy... but it's actually none of your business, not a reflection of you or indicative what great things are to come for you! 

 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Openreach said:

Hi there. Long term relationship (14 yrs) ended amicably at the beginning of the year. Still kept in contact.

Sorry this happened. Did you live together or have kids together? What is the reason for the breakup? 

Unfortunately hanging on as friends can lead to this type of heartache when the inevitable moving on becomes apparent.

[TheSuit]

I’m in a similar position to you, although I will not insult you by comparing your situation to mine (mine is a car crash and can’t compare to your 14 year respectful relationship). That being said I have had a relationship in the past which is similar to what you’ve explained. 
 

You need to do what is right for you. Personally I would like to politely wish her well but explain you can’t remain in contact. I gave an overly emotional response to my most recent ex and want the ground to swallow me whole today. Realistically you going no contact (especially if she is already used to not speaking to you/seeing you often) is unlikely to get her back (if that is what you want). But it will give you yourself back. Eventually. My first partner took me 3 years to get over, but I didn’t have another partner for 7. Don’t make my mistake. I wasted my mid-20’s comparing everyone to her and missed out on several potentially beautiful romances. Every relationship is different, but it is only the last 5 years I’ve learned that different doesn’t mean worse. Don’t chase what you had, as you’ll never find it. You could (and likely will), find better. 
 

Allow yourself to feel this pain, but don’t let it swallow you. Today I’ve written a list of things I like about myself/can offer a partner, things I want from life, and 20 targets for the next month. This month is about me, so whilst I’m deciding to go no contact from my last mrs (except for pleasantries I can’t avoid at work), that isn’t my focus. My focus is me. Examples being get my 6 pac back, meditate daily (something new for me), cook clean and eat properly, get back down to yoga and swimming, walk more mountains, treat my dog, I applied today for a promotion which I was always tentative I was ready for (the advert was great timing), go out more with friends, 10k charity run this weekend (again great timing), and don’t obsess over things I can’t control. Make the next few weeks about you. You only have one life, don’t waste it wondering. Treat this as a new start, as for now at least, your old life isn’t yours anymore. Sorry if that sounds harsh. She may come back in the future, but you can’t force that. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself so if she does, you are a better you. Don’t do it for that reason though. 

the other option is to wait in the wings for a break in her new relationship. I’ve never tried that myself for more than a few weeks as even knowing her actions on any given night would ruin my evening. Ignorance is bliss. I have heard people win them back by staying close, and working on re-building the attraction, that’s just not something I want to do.

Good luck brother, the anxiety sucks. I’m terrible for it, but other than my best mate, no one knows how bad I suffer. I’m such an over-thinker!

[Openreach]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Did you live together or have kids together? What is the reason for the breakup? 

Unfortunately hanging on as friends can lead to this type of heartache when the inevitable moving on becomes apparent.

Hi Wiseman

lived together, no kids, just gradual drifting apart. 

Ive been on my own for over 6 months now and was ok until the news landed.

I'm trying to be happy for them but inside im dying.

[SooSad33]

Sorry for your pains 😕 .

yes, all takes time to process , accept, & heal.

But, you cannot remain 'friends' or keep in contact.. Fact, is it is over, then it has to be ALL done.

No begging, no chasing, but respectfully leave her be now.

You need to find other ways to 'work through this'.

If your anxiety is bad, maybe talk to doctor about something for it? ( I was on ativan for a while)... and make sure you take care of YOU.  

Ways to 'vent', get out for air, take walks, exercise, Journal- another for of 'release'.  All you want to say to her, you say on paper/ wordpad, etc. Also, hang more with friends/family.. have any hobbies?

It will take some time, to work through it.  So give yourself that time. You were emotionally invested, so tears are normal. ( consider therapy even).

One relationship, took me a good year to recover.. next one I was one who left, no pains/regrets.. last one again, almost a year.

One day at a time.