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Me(F29) has a friends with benefits with (M50) who friend dislikes and I lied to about, should I come clean?


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4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

No the friend's story doesn't justify a reason why the OP should not date this guy. Why would she be hurt? It doesn't make sense. IMO the OP can date anyone she wants. It's not an ex BF or ex husband or a rapist. I think the friend is being ridiculous.

I didn't say Roadtoheal shouldn't date the guy. Women date creeps and predators all the time. Hell, they even marry them in prison. It's a life choice. But speaking for myself, I personally wouldn't date someone who made persistent, unwelcome advances toward my friend. 

Looking at the situation from the friend's point of view, I think her reaction is off the mark but typical for someone in their mid-to late 20s. She still has a naïve kid's mentality that allows her to believe that Roadtoheal is truly a friend to her. She is trying to appeal to that sentiment (immaturely), but what she needs to do is learn what a real friend is and close the door on this 'friendship.'

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I wouldn't worry this much over it. Just enjoy the time with this person and move on when you want to date someone seriously. You're looking for issues where there isn't one if he's decent or respectable. You distrust your friends version of events. You are all adults here so don't nitpick this to death. 

What you should be asking yourself is whether this is going to last and for how long. You might find your interest waning after awhile as this situation or relationship isn't as fulfilling.

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I'm looking at it in the friend's point of view too....For me I could care less whom any my friends date, they are  adults they can sleep with whomever. If I was in the friend's shoes I would just say "I don't want to know about it." I'm the type of person that minds my own business. And I think this friend should too.

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On 8/30/2021 at 4:29 PM, Roadtoheal said:

Why is everyone so ageist? What does his age got to do with it?!

That is a negative stigma. This man is also not a creep, only from her encounter and judgement about him.

I have made my own judgements about him after developing a friendship, and he isn’t a creep at all and is respectful to me and a decent guy.

If a 29 year old old paleontologist meets a 50 year old paleontologist on the and they start talking over their mutual passion of dinosaur spleens, and one day they just realize that they are eachother's other half -- the more power to them. When a guy who is 50 consistently makes moves on young women and hangs out at parties with much younger people - its a sign that he has a very low maturity level.  He is looking for FWB, hookups, and such.  He doesn't date women closer to his age because they wouldn't touch him.  

If a 50 year old guy is dating women in ther 40s, and then one day meets a younger woman over a mutual hobby or avocation and there is more substance to it and he not *looking* for specifically a younger woman, it just happens to be the right person and there happens to be an age difference

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On 8/30/2021 at 4:29 PM, Roadtoheal said:

Why is everyone so ageist? What does his age got to do with it?!

That is a negative stigma. This man is also not a creep, only from her encounter and judgement about him.

I have made my own judgements about him after developing a friendship, and he isn’t a creep at all and is respectful to me and a decent guy.

If a 29 year old old paleontologist meets a 50 year old paleontologist on the and they start talking over their mutual passion of dinosaur spleens, and one day they just realize that they are eachother's other half -- the more power to them. When a guy who is 50 consistently makes moves on young women and hangs out at parties with much younger people - its a sign that he has a very low maturity level.  He is looking for FWB, hookups, and such.  He doesn't date women closer to his age because they wouldn't touch him.  

If a 50 year old guy is dating women in ther 40s, and then one day meets a younger woman over a mutual hobby or avocation and there is more substance to it and he not *looking* for specifically a younger woman, it just happens to be the right person and there happens to be an age difference

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Well I have been to swingers parties a few times but now I only go to an all women's one (I'm bisexual). The reason for that is that I did have some very creepy and entitled men. At these swingers parties, on their website and also at the event itself they make a very big point that consent is very important and you can't touch anyone unless they gave consent. If they specifically said "no" to you then they definitely didn't consent. If someone continues to touch you, you can tell the staff and they kick that person out and probably ban them from the events too. It's not a "free for all" because while yes it's a swingers party but as we know, having sex with someone or sexually touching someone when they don't want to is called rape and sexual assault. Just being at a swingers party doesn't give permission to have sex with anyone you want without their permission.

So from that perspective I don't think that what this guy did was good. The only slightly excusable thing I guess is you said he was really drunk so maybe he wasn't thinking rationally. I'm a little worried about your attitude towards this though because you seem to think his behaviour was fine and to be honest it wasn't.

Having said that though. Your friend can't really tell you who you should be friends, sleeping with or dating because it's your life. She's sending a bit of a mixed message because she still says "hi" to him. So how much does she actually dislike him? If she really hated him then she would probably completely ignore him.

I don't think the age difference is necessarily a problem. You are nearly thirty, you're an adult. You can do what you want. I don't really see why you have to report to your friend about everything you're doing though. Why do you have to tell her you're intimate with him etc. It's nine of her business. If she never dated him and he was just a guy that came up to her at the swingers party then she doesn't really have a say in if you want to see him or not.

You seem to think he's a nice guy and maybe he is. Maybe he really was very drunk and didn't think properly at the swingers party. Who knows. You're enjoying being with him though so obviously it appeals to you personally and you see something good in him.

 

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