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Me(F29) has a friends with benefits with (M50) who friend dislikes and I lied to about, should I come clean?


Roadtoheal
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I'm in a tricky situation with a friend who I met initially through mutual friends, a lot of people I know within my circle also know him.We started off as friends, then eventually started meeting up for drinks and casual dinners. In recent times we have been over to each others places to watch movies, which lead to the bedroom..

We chat as friends during the week over messages, since we were already friends for months prior to getting intimate (not super close friends, but we still occasionally chat) and we both enjoy each others company. We have gone on day time walks together too.

One of my very close friends told me ages ago about when she was at a party and he was there and apparently kept making moves on her inappropriately even after she had told him to stop (he was in the room at a swingers party but he was invited and he came up to her and tried to undress her). yet when she would see him out whilst in a group setting, she would still say hi to him. In this setting though perhaps he misunderstood the situation, they were both drunk and considering the type of party they were at.. easily could of happened.

They met each other before I even knew him, but they were never friends.

I told her a few months ago that I was meeting him for a drink, she didn't say much and her response was blunt. I thought it may have been to do with one of her close friends who had a fling with him, and he lead her on and her friends was left upset.

I didn't even think about what she had told me earlier about him. Later on he came up in conversation, and she said to me while we were having a few drinks together that she felt hurt that I went to hang out with him despite what she told me had happened at the party between him and her. I wasn't there though, and I know they were all very drunk at this party so I don't know the true recounts of what happened (only by what she told me).

I said to her that I haven't met up with him since, but I lied about that. I told her I was lying about that third meet up months ago and she was very angry and upset but forgave me.

The thing is I have seen him many more times, and she doesn't know we have been initiate together. I fear if she knew that she would end the friendship, but I enjoy his company.

Am I wrong in the first place to start hanging out with this man after what she told me?

Do I tell her I lied and come clean, or stop seeing him? Maybe I talk to him and let him know

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I don't understand why she is mad at you for seeing him? Because he hit on her and she turned him down? That's not fair.  she doesn't want him, but you can't have him? 

Or is it more she thinks he is a predator and you should listen to her experience with him over your own? That's kind of off, too. You're free to do what you want with your life. 

I had a guy friend that creeped out one of my girlfriends. She didn't like him and that's fine. he's my friend. What he did was, one time he looked at her funny. One time!  she thought it was creepy. which I kinda felt like ok... don't you hang around him.  But I still did. And if he comes up, i say, I know you don't like him, but I do. 

Be your own person. 

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39 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I don't understand why she is mad at you for seeing him? Because he hit on her and she turned him down? That's not fair.  she doesn't want him, but you can't have him? 

Exactly. I don't understand why the friend is upset.

Sure, he's not the friend's cup of tea, but it doesn't really matter.

OP enjoy this. You can be honest with your friend and stand behind what you do. She might or might not leave you, but that's on her.

As Lambert says, be yourself.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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28 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I don't understand why she is mad at you for seeing him? Because he hit on her and she turned him down?

I'm rather unclear about this too. 

It sounds like they never had a relationship of any type and that your friend didn't want him anyway, OP? 

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1 hour ago, Roadtoheal said:

she was at a party and he was there and apparently kept making moves on her inappropriately even after she had told him to stop

I don't know about you guys, but I wouldn't continue dating a guy who didn't respect my friend's boundaries. And I wouldn't be friends with a girl who continued to date a guy who did that to me. It's pretty clear where that friend's loyalties lie!

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2 hours ago, Roadtoheal said:

she was at a party and he was there and apparently kept making moves on her inappropriately even after she had told him to stop

It sounds like she was warning you about what a creep he is. It's up to you what type of people you date.

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It is your choice in this matter.

I don;t understand why she'd actually unfriend you over any of this?

Anyways, it's your choice.  If this is how she wants to deal with it, her choice.

I suggest, IF you feel this will continue, consider admitting you are involved with him (especially if there's a good chance she will find out anyways..).

As I see it, no matter what, there's no winning in this .

 

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Have you ever stop to think that your friend might be lying? That maybe he rejected her instead, or the possibility she was seeing him and he dumped her or she is trying to keep seeing him? She's mifted at him for something, but I don't think it was what she had told you.

Edited by smackie9
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32 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Have you ever stop to think that your friend might be lying? That maybe he rejected her instead, or the possibility she was seeing him and he dumped her or she is trying to keep seeing him? She's mifted at him for something, but I don't think it was what she had told you.

I think that's been the default position; everyone seems to think that the friend is lying. I can't wrap my head around that because I trust my friends and waste zero time on people that I don't trust. I would believe my friend. And I'd especially believe my friend over some random old creeper that's been sniffing around a bunch of 20-somethings. 

Another thing: RoadtoHeal is an admitted liar that lies to get what he/she wants. Yet the friend's trustworthiness is in question. Very interesting!!

Edited by Jibralta
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6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I think that's been the default position; everyone seems to think that the friend is lying. I can't wrap my head around that because I trust my friends and waste zero time on people that I don't trust. I would believe my friend. And I'd especially believe my friend over some random old creeper that's been sniffing around a bunch of 20-somethings. 

Another thing: RoadtoHeal is an admitted liar that lies to get what he/she wants. Yet the friend's trustworthiness is in question. Very interesting!!

No the friend's story doesn't justify a reason why the OP should not date this guy. Why would she be hurt? It doesn't make sense. IMO the OP can date anyone she wants. It's not an ex BF or ex husband or a rapist. I think the friend is being ridiculous.

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This guy can't be that bad if he's still part of the social group, and the friend is still civil to him. Why isn't she hurt because the social group is letting him be a apart of it? Why doesn't she kick up a fuss about that? or keep her distance from him? or ditch the group? OP questioning this is quite valid.

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5 hours ago, Roadtoheal said:

I told her a few months ago that I was meeting him for a drink, she didn't say much and her response was blunt. I thought it may have been to do with one of her close friends who had a fling with him, and he lead her on and her friends was left upset.

 

Think there is also this. Though I dunno how much is it into account with her not liking him because of it

Anyway, all 3 sides are ridiculous

50 year old creeper who goes to swinger parties and hangs around younger girls who could be his daughters

Your friend who pouts out because you didnt listen to her. Even if she is right, it is your life. I would just say "Fine, bang your head against the wall if you want" if I were her, but her reaction is way over the top

You who actively lie to your friend about some guy you just have sex

My point is that you created a ridiculous situation. Where you sleep with some guy that can be your father and lie to your friend about it. That is not something normal and you also know that. And whole thing is on you. But as I said, we(or even your friend) are not here to police who or who you cant sleep with. However, dont lie about it. Have a "heart to heart" talk to friend and talk it through.

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The more I think about it the more angrier I get. 
 

She only mentioned this to me months after we started hanging out. Then brings it up and has a go to me about it. 
 

When at the time she never said anything when I told her I was hanging out with him. 
 

So she’s made me feel like I have to stop being friends with him now or she will end our friendship? It’s ridiculous. That’s the position SHE has put me in, not me. 

I lied at the time because she was drunk when confronting me about this and let’s face it, this topic is not something to discuss whilst intoxicated. 
 

I think I will mention all that to her, and say that I had developed a friendship with him during those months and she’s still friends with other people who are friends with him. 

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7 hours ago, Roadtoheal said:

(he was in the room at a swingers party but he was invited and he came up to her and tried to undress her)

I'm somewhat amazed that the posters here see nothing wrong with attempted sexual assault and would rather call this woman a liar than recognize that this is seriously messed up and creepy behavior by a 50 year old man. I don't care if alcohol was involved or that it was a swinger party. Consent is consent and there was none here according to her friend. All the OP has is her friend's word to go by, which is that this man tried to force himself on her. That should be enough to send the OP running for the hills.

Instead, she is sleeping with this creep and lying to her friend about it. This is beyond messed up.

To the OP, yes you need to make up your mind who you want to be loyal to - your friend or a 50 year old creep who is happy to fck someone young enough to be his daughter and he doesn't seem picky in how he gets that so long as he gets it. Your life, your choice.

 

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4 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

To the OP, yes you need to make up your mind who you want to be loyal to - your friend or a 50 year old creep who is happy to fck someone young enough to be his daughter and he doesn't seem picky in how he gets that so long as he gets it. Your life, your choice

You have a point DF.

I forgot the man is much older. That is a red flag by itself.

That aside, I still don't know if there's a side to pick from. The friend doesn't need to be that upset. Yes, he tried to undress her at the party and it tells you something about his sh*tty morale. That's up to OP to accept in him or not.

But, why would the friend be upset? If she was being protective, okay. Doesn't seem like it though.

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17 minutes ago, Roadtoheal said:

So she’s made me feel like I have to stop being friends with him now or she will end our friendship? It’s ridiculous. That’s the position SHE has put me in, not me. 

Did she actually said something like that that or is that you are telling yourself to justify your lie? She was hurt because you were not listening to her. As I said, ridiculous but doubt she will end friendship because your FWB. Even if she does, again, your choice is who you see even if its a creeper. You lying is also solely your choice to not tell her that you like the guy and want to see him further. Because that probably take much deeper conversation you arent really ready to hear from her. Like this you just told her its over so she wouldnt bother you further. So, again, dont shift that blame on her. And dont lie to your friends because you know they wont be supportive of your dating decisions.

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4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Did she actually said something like that that or is that you are telling yourself to justify your lie? She was hurt because you were not listening to her. As I said, ridiculous but doubt she will end friendship because your FWB. Even if she does, again, your choice is who you see even if its a creeper. You lying is also solely your choice to not tell her that you like the guy and want to see him further. Because that probably take much deeper conversation you arent really ready to hear from her. Like this you just told her its over so she wouldnt bother you further. So, again, dont shift that blame on her. And dont lie to your friends because you know they wont be supportive of your dating decisions.

Yes I acknowledge that I lied to her but in the moment she was very drunk. It’s not the time to have a proper conversation about sensitive topics such as this one with her. 
 

I was thinking of mentioning something to her and giving her my side of things. The fact that I had made friends with him months ago, told her about it and she said nothing about it then and I continued seeing him. Only now 5 months later she brings it up, and acts like if I continue to see him that she will stop being my friend. 
 

That combined with our other mutual friends and her friends are still mates with him, and she didn’t cut them off. 

I don’t get why people are bringing his age into factor. Just because someone is 50 and there’s an age gap doesn’t make them creepy, that is a stereotype and negative stigma. 
 

He has never been creepy around me or his other friends in the group.. 

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44 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You have a point DF.

I forgot the man is much older. That is a red flag by itself.

That aside, I still don't know if there's a side to pick from. The friend doesn't need to be that upset. Yes, he tried to undress her at the party and it tells you something about his sh*tty morale. That's up to OP to accept in him or not.

But, why would the friend be upset? If she was being protective, okay. Doesn't seem like it though.

So if a guy tried to assault you, you wouldn't care if your friend goes on to sleep with him? Totally cool with you? You'd be happy for them both? Come on......

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@DancingFool that doesn't seems to be the friend's concern. She isn't telling her friend: "don't. He's a creep. I'll be upset until you realize he is one." It seems to be something else.

DF, I would personally not date such creep. You wouldn't. But OP seems okay with it... *Shrugs*

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My friend in the past has been known to over dramatise situations especially when drunk, hence why I downplayed in my mind what she told me. 
 

This man who I know on a deeper friendship level, that she only knows on a surface level is not a predator from what I know and I have met some creeps in my time. He’s respectful to me and I’ve never felt uncomfortable in his company. 
 

In my mind he probably thought it was a free for all considering they were at a swingers party, and everyone was about to do it so he thought he would join in. Maybe he got the wrong idea about her and read the cues wrong. I wouldn’t call it assault. She then continues to say hi to him every time she sees him out, and remains friends with other girls who are friends with him too (from the same friend circle). Contradicting. 

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3 minutes ago, Roadtoheal said:

I was thinking of mentioning something to her and giving her my side of things. The fact that I had made friends with him months ago, told her about it and she said nothing about it then and I continued seeing him. Only now 5 months later she brings it up, and acts like if I continue to see him that she will stop being my friend. 

So you want to tell her that you lied to her by telling her its basically her fault that you lied. Yes, I can see how well that conversation is going to be already lol

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Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

Why are you wasting time at 29 with a 50 year old dude?

Why is everyone so ageist? What does his age got to do with it?!

That is a negative stigma. This man is also not a creep, only from her encounter and judgement about him.

I have made my own judgements about him after developing a friendship, and he isn’t a creep at all and is respectful to me and a decent guy.

Edited by Roadtoheal
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1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

So you want to tell her that you lied to her by telling her its basically her fault that you lied. Yes, I can see how well that conversation is going to be already lol

 No that’s not what I’m going to say at all. 

I am going to say that between the time I first told her I was hanging out with him over 5 months ago, she never mentioned anything then. Until she brought up recently how much it upset her that I was spending time with him, in between those months I have developed a friendship with him and we get along really well. 
 

So why am I now expected to suddenly cut off my friendship with him because she had a negative encounter with him (which I still question the events that happen in my mind). 
 

Perhaps I should ask HIM what happened and tell him the position I am in, and what she told me.. before I bring this up with her again.

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