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Feeling emotionally empty after having anal sex for the first time?


Nicky2210
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Hi guys,

I feel really silly writing here but I don't have anyone to talk to. Yesterday night I had anal sex with my Tinder date. It was our first date and we really had a great time together. After getting a little bit tipsy together he initiated a conversation about sex and somewhere along the topic anal sex popped up. I told him that I've once tried anal sex before but had to stop because it hurt to much. He asked me if I would try it again and I sad yes. After a while we started to get intimate. After having vaginal sex we initiated anal sex. The pain was manageable. He was very cold during sex though, no facial expressions, no eye contact, no noises, no talking nothing even during vaginal sex. Which surprised me because other when having sex he wasn't like that at all.

The morning after that we had breakfast together and then had sex again. After that I left to go home.

And now I can't stop being emotionally hollow and sad, I feel like I gave so much of myself and got nothing in return. I don't know if I want to keep seeing him. At the one hand we really get along well and we have lots of things in common but at the other hand he was so cold during sex, especially because it was my first time having anal sex. Now we haven't talked since yesterday when I left.

Does anyone had a similar experience or have any advice what to do ?

Plus (not really elegant I now) my bum doesn't get entirely cleaned any more, I took already many showers after using the toilet but it never gets entirely clean. Should I be concerned, do I need to see a doctor ?

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20 minutes ago, Nicky2210 said:

do I need to see a doctor ?

Sorry this happened. Yes see a doctor for tears, infection, etc. Be frank with your doctors. Also you need to get tested for STDs.

As far  as this guy, if you like him see him again, but if you're sexually incompatible just move forward. Perhaps hookups aren't for you if you feel empty afterwards.

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Did you use condoms? Was it the first time you met this guy? I think if you'd only just met him then it may be a good idea to do some STD tests just for peace of mind. Especially if you didn't use condoms or had oral sex.

I can actually relate to how you feel because I'd felt that way too in the past after a hookup. It probably wasn't personal towards you but unfortunately if it's just a hookup, I think it was most likely the lack of actual emotional connection you felt. I really felt the difference between sex in a relationship where there's emotions and a lot of affection and tenderness, as opposed to a hook up where it's more for the sake of the sex itself and that's it. 

Maybe you just need to think about whether hook ups are actually for you if it made you feel low and uncomfortable afterwards. Maybe you may enjoy having an ongoing FWB with a friend or actually being in a relationship better. 

But yeah I agree with you that anal sex is painful. I don't enjoy it either and probably won't do it but I guess it's OK to experiment and try different things sexually.

I hope you'll feel better soon x

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I'm sorry you are feeling blah over this.  but life is about experiences and lessons. 

Like ordering at a restaurant. You thought you wanted that and then after the meal, you're still hungry but for something else. 

Since it wasn't an emotional connection and was just a physical itch that got scratched, go forward doing what's best for you-- seeing your doc & getting tested.

If you don't want to see the guy, don't.  Maybe it was just as unemotional for him and neither of you want to see each other again. 

It takes time to build a connection. This doesn't mean you can't built one, if you both want that.  But it could also be, you guys went too far, too soon for your own comfort.  Which from how you're feeling, sounds like more the case.

It's ok. ❤

 

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38 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Did you use condoms? Was it the first time you met this guy? I think if you'd only just met him then it may be a good idea to do some STD tests just for peace of mind. Especially if you didn't use condoms or had oral sex.

I can actually relate to how you feel because I'd felt that way too in the past after a hookup. It probably wasn't personal towards you but unfortunately if it's just a hookup, I think it was most likely the lack of actual emotional connection you felt. I really felt the difference between sex in a relationship where there's emotions and a lot of affection and tenderness, as opposed to a hook up where it's more for the sake of the sex itself and that's it. 

Maybe you just need to think about whether hook ups are actually for you if it made you feel low and uncomfortable afterwards. Maybe you may enjoy having an ongoing FWB with a friend or actually being in a relationship better. 

But yeah I agree with you that anal sex is painful. I don't enjoy it either and probably won't do it but I guess it's OK to experiment and try different things sexually.

I hope you'll feel better soon x

Hi,

Yes we used condoms I think that STD's shouldn't be a concern. We actually agreed to let it go on slowly because he desires a relationship. But he lives in another town and he got VIP cards for an orchestra we went. So we agreed that I would stay over night at his place in his guest room. But as we got a bit drunk one thing led to the other.

I actually had hook ups before and felt comfortable, but he was so cold during sex.

Thank you for responding xoxo

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4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I'm sorry you are feeling blah over this.  but life is about experiences and lessons. 

Like ordering at a restaurant. You thought you wanted that and then after the meal, you're still hungry but for something else. 

Since it wasn't an emotional connection and was just a physical itch that got scratched, go forward doing what's best for you-- seeing your doc & getting tested.

If you don't want to see the guy, don't.  Maybe it was just as unemotional for him and neither of you want to see each other again. 

It takes time to build a connection. This doesn't mean you can't built one, if you both want that.  But it could also be, you guys went too far, too soon for your own comfort.  Which from how you're feeling, sounds like more the case.

It's ok. ❤

 

Thanks ❤️

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It sounds like you've enjoyed casual sex in the past and enough to take the risk of being alone with a stranger when drunk - so the benefits of the fun and thrills outweigh the risks of physical harm, pregnancy, STDs (condoms are not foolproof) - so you know sometimes if you enjoy something a lot there are going to be times you don't - like trying a new ice cream flavor if you love ice cream and the new flavor is blah.  This was blah.  This particular stranger had a different approach and temperament when it came to having sex with another stranger.  No way for you to know how a stranger will behave of course.  Since you have had fun having casual sex in the past maybe think about those memories and how much fun they were and just keep reminding yourself it's not always going to be that much fun.  

I don't know if this stranger you had sex with is typically cold with his partners or otherwise -neither do you. Your options are to see him again (if he wants to of course) and see if you're ok with the coldness if the rest of it is fun, or you can decide that since Tinder is teeming with men wanting sex or a hookup why bother investing more time in this person?  I know you had fun but you also chose to get drunk so who knows if it would have been as much of a click/fun had you been sober.  

You're an adult and single  -you're entitled to take these risks if the benefits are worth it.  This is one of the typical downsides but it sounds like you're still interested in meeting up with strangers for casual sex.  Hope it's fun next time.  It concerns me that you feel like you "gave so much of yourself" but then you say you like casual sex - what did you give to this stranger other than your physical body for him to enter in different positions?  Consider maybe that if you feel you actually gave of "yourself" - internally - that maybe casual sex with strangers might not be all it's cracked up to be for you, anymore.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

think that guy wanted one thing(along with anal which if he asked is probably his "thing"), which you provided to him right away. Dont really think he is interested in anything else. You should be careful with guys like that(especially on Tinder which has many of those) because, well, if you want something more you are hardly gona get it there. Even his cold attitude during the act kinda suggests that its just sex for him. 

1 hour ago, Nicky2210 said:

And now I can't stop being emotionally hollow and sad, I feel like I gave so much of myself and got nothing in return

Then dont hook up on the first date and give your bum to stranger just because he asked. If you expect emotions you wont get it from ONS Tinder dates. They work to get one thing, and there is usually no emotions involved there. 

Tagging to repeat the above. I completely agree.

A serious man looking to date would not suggest sex on the first date +while tipsy + anal.. with a stranger.

And, I do think he might be cold in general in sex and that might not be for you. I know for me, I need a very affectionate man who is also talks dirty when doing it. But, sometimes you can't tell.

Anyways, I'm sorry it went like this. But, you'll have better sex and a better date. It's a learning journey.

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I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with the guy.  He wanted to have sex, he found a willing partner, and he didn't feel any particular emotion during sex with her and chose not to pretend he did.  They both were consenting adults -she said she was drunk/tipsy but her issue was he was cold, not that he forced himself on her.  Some people might prefer a sexual encounter with a stranger to be purely about the physical act.  Turns out she wanted some emotion/warmth so they're not a good sexual fit.

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Doesn't sound like a good fit. I agree with Batya, nothing wrong (by the sounds of it) with the guy but it doesn't sound like you two are sexually compatible. 

When you say you can't get your bum clean - did you two use lube for anal? If it's silicone based lube, it's difficult to wash off. It does come off (speaking from personal experience here!) but it takes a couple times. 

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34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Has he asked to see you again?

If you're only interested in casual sex encounters why does it matter if he was "cold"? 

I don't expect anyone to be emotional when having sex with a stranger but at least some form of communication should take place during the act.

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2 hours ago, Nicky2210 said:

I don't expect anyone to be emotional when having sex with a stranger but at least some form of communication should take place during the act.

I think he did communicate - he expressed interest in having sex before and got her consent and they talked about potential physical pain for her.  Perhaps he was too out of breath to speak and expressed himself physically.  Certainly she should have communicated if she wanted him to stop or continue or whatever.  Perhaps during the act he realized he was enjoying the physical pleasure but felt no connection to her - understandable since she was a stranger and also at least somewhat tipsy so not exactly in a place to have typical communication.  

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think he did communicate - he expressed interest in having sex before and got her consent and they talked about potential physical pain for her.  Perhaps he was too out of breath to speak and expressed himself physically.  Certainly she should have communicated if she wanted him to stop or continue or whatever.  Perhaps during the act he realized he was enjoying the physical pleasure but felt no connection to her - understandable since she was a stranger and also at least somewhat tipsy so not exactly in a place to have typical communication.  

We did get along well in my opinion. I stayed even at his place until 3pm, we had breakfast together which was his idea, not mine. That's why I'm a bit confused...

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2 hours ago, Nicky2210 said:

I don't expect anyone to be emotional when having sex with a stranger but at least some form of communication should take place during the act.

I think you need to rethink what you expect from strangers and also, what you are and are not willing to do for a stranger. Should be common sense not to agree to do something that you find painful or unpleasant. Unfortunately, it seems that you did it expecting  some kind of a return on your investment/sacrifice. What you are learning the hard way is that no, you don't get something in return for something you did, especially not from a complete stranger. 

I'm really sorry for how low you are feeling right now. Please do go see a doctor if you are not feeling right physically and continue to feel like you can't get clean. Also please do rethink what you are doing sexually and what your boundaries should be. You seem to be willing to do too much while expecting way too little if having breakfast after makes it seem like the guy is just great to you. Just because he didn't kick you out in the morning like a prostitute, doesn't make him a great guy. You really need to raise your standards....a lot.

 

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8 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I think you need to rethink what you expect from strangers and also, what you are and are not willing to do for a stranger. Should be common sense not to agree to do something that you find painful or unpleasant. Unfortunately, it seems that you did it expecting  some kind of a return on your investment/sacrifice. What you are learning the hard way is that no, you don't get something in return for something you did, especially not from a complete stranger. 

I'm really sorry for how low you are feeling right now. Please do go see a doctor if you are not feeling right physically and continue to feel like you can't get clean. Also please do rethink what you are doing sexually and what your boundaries should be. You seem to be willing to do too much while expecting way too little if having breakfast after makes it seem like the guy is just great to you. Just because he didn't kick you out in the morning like a prostitute, doesn't make him a great guy. You really need to raise your standards....a lot.

 

Yes that it true. I always struggled with that. I want to please and make everyone around me feel comfortable and forget myself sometimes by doing that. And maybe some people notice that and used that for themselves. Without blaming anyone because this is just only my fault! No one elses, I'm responsible for myself

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22 minutes ago, Nicky2210 said:

Yes that it true. I always struggled with that. I want to please and make everyone around me feel comfortable and forget myself sometimes by doing that. And maybe some people notice that and used that for themselves. Without blaming anyone because this is just only my fault! No one elses, I'm responsible for myself

It's not about blame so much as learning how to keep healthy boundaries for yourself and your own sake and well being. As the old saying goes, "when you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, least of all yourself."

You can be kind and good to people around you while also being good to yourself. It's literally called boundaries. Funny thing about boundaries is that when you have them, people will respect you more and when they respect you, they also like you more. When you just give indiscriminately, you'll attract users who don't like you and don't care about you, but they will happily suck the life out of you.

There are some books on boundaries and how to develop healthy boundaries that you might like to look into. It might help you a lot.

 

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I just wanted to leave a little appreciation for every comment here. Even though we are all different people who don't know each others backgrounds, every comment here was polite and non judgmental. Especially nowadays where people are used to be so mean on the internet this is really rare, also considering this topic.

I'm human and still have to learn so much and every comment helped.

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It doesn't mean anything that he asked you to stay - it just means at that time he was comfortable with you being there -it takes no effort on his part to suggest you keep hanging out at his place.  I'm glad you got some insight and wisdom.  We may all be different people but there's a common thread - with rare exception people move towards pleasure and away from pain so this stranger enjoyed having sex with you and you saw the benefits of having sex with him.  The rest is just you trying to overthink and make things confusing when it's that simple -it was a sexual encounter between strangers and you said you are comfortable with casual sexual encounters.  So you said. My sense is from your analysis and comments there's a huge part of you that is not.

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