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Friendship to something more?


Pumpkinspice2703
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So I met this guy online through Instagram over quarantine and we became very close friends. We would stay up late nights to talk about random things and most of this guy has everything I would look for in a potential partner and the only problem was he was just a friend. He is a great guy and I didn't want to lose him as a friend and I keep conflicting myself between choosing him as a friend or more. To make things worse, I don't even think he likes me that way. He broke up with his ex almost 2 months ago and he is still not over her. So even though we have gone through the whole "convo" and he admitted that he would not go for a serious relationship with me or with anyone which is understandable since he isn't even over his ex and said if I wanted we could try friends with benefits and that's about it. To make things worse we are both first year uni students and going to unis around 2hrs away from eachother and I'm 95% sure we are going to be one of those friendships that was great in the beginning and slowly drift apart later. I hate this so much because he is perfect and I am not even lying for him when I say that. He has everything I would look for in a potential partner and just letting him go feels so wrong and I hate it so much. I really need an outsider to look at this and tell me if there is anything I could do. Thankyou ❤️

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Yeah, what you could do is say "no thanks." Assuming you'd prefer to give the gift of your body to someone who shares your dating/relationship goals. You obviously want someone who emotionally cares for you. He only wants the use of your body. In university, there will probably be at least 50 people in each of your classes, plus you may meet more people in sports, clubs, etc. Plenty of fish in the sea. Why on earth would you settle for crumbs? 

I'd go no contact. Never wait around for someone like this to be ready, because most often, when they are ready, it's usually for someone else. If he was serious about you but not ready, he wouldn't risk embarking on FWB status and ruin what could've been a beautiful thing later when he was ready for something serious. 

He's giving excuses. He's just not that into you. 

Someone who wants to date you will be turned off and not want to date you if you're in communication with a "friend" you have a crush on. And that's not something you will be able to, or should, keep as a secret.

Take a clean break now for your own good and block him. You're obviously in need of boosting your self esteem since you still want him after he's suggested this and you think he's perfect. He could care less that he'd be hurting you. Don't be so naive to think he doesn't know this. Don't date until you've worked on your self esteem or you will keep attracting, and be attracted to inappropriate men like this. Good luck in your studies. 

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I would tell him that I really like him, and if in the future he ever considers himself to be relationship material, he's welcome to reach out. If I'm still available, maybe we can meet to catch up.

Beyond that, I'd throw this one back into the pond.

You don't want to set yourself up to pine over someone who's rebounding at best, or using you as a distraction at worst. There's really nothing on the scale between those two things that's of any value to you.

Respect your Self, and you will thank yourself later.

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4 hours ago, Pumpkinspice2703 said:

I hate this so much because he is perfect and I am not even lying for him when I say that. He has everything I would look for in a potential partner and just letting him go feels so wrong and I hate it so much.

You have no idea if he's truly that 'great' as you two have done nothing other than 'talk'?

He is far from okay, with recently going thru a BU. Is best for YOUR own well being to back right off this one.. 

Because you will 'get feelings', like are possibly experiencing now and it'll just end up hurting you being in this situation 😕 .

How about you back off with so much communication - as you need to go on with 'no expectations;, with him.

Back off... move on.

 

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6 hours ago, Pumpkinspice2703 said:

So I met this guy online through Instagram over quarantine and we became very close friends. We would stay up late nights to talk about random things and most of this guy has everything I would look for in a potential partner and the only problem was he was just a friend. He is a great guy and I didn't want to lose him as a friend and I keep conflicting myself between choosing him as a friend or more. To make things worse, I don't even think he likes me that way. He broke up with his ex almost 2 months ago and he is still not over her. So even though we have gone through the whole "convo" and he admitted that he would not go for a serious relationship with me or with anyone which is understandable since he isn't even over his ex and said if I wanted we could try friends with benefits and that's about it. To make things worse we are both first year uni students and going to unis around 2hrs away from eachother and I'm 95% sure we are going to be one of those friendships that was great in the beginning and slowly drift apart later. I hate this so much because he is perfect and I am not even lying for him when I say that. He has everything I would look for in a potential partner and just letting him go feels so wrong and I hate it so much. I really need an outsider to look at this and tell me if there is anything I could do. Thankyou ❤️

Lol . This guy said all you need to know for his intentions with you . He doesn’t like you more than a friend . Trust me when I say a guy will date a girl if he truly likes her , whether he is not over his ex or not , he would be willing to take a chance because he truly likes you !

Just forget it unless you want to settle for his scraps , he is good at saying things in a nice way to be honest . Lol !

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7 hours ago, Pumpkinspice2703 said:

I hate this so much because he is perfect

You have this guy on a pedestal, OP. He might be a good guy, but you have no clue how well you would mesh offline. You have no idea how compatible you are in real life, whether there would be chemistry, whether you would get along day-to-day. Part of your problem is that you are fantasizing with zero tangible real-life experience with him. You're getting carried away with the idea of him, in other words.

7 hours ago, Pumpkinspice2703 said:

I keep conflicting myself between choosing him as a friend or more.

With respect, this isn't a choice for you to make. He's already been clear that he doesn't want more with you, so the choice has been made for you. You're just friends. 

7 hours ago, Pumpkinspice2703 said:

I'm 95% sure we are going to be one of those friendships that was great in the beginning and slowly drift apart later.

Honestly, this is going to be better in the long-run. You have a huge crush, and he doesn't. What that means is that when he starts dating again, it's going to hurt you very much to be his friend, knowing he's with someone else. 

For your own well-being and to protect your heart, it's time to take space from him. 

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8 hours ago, Pumpkinspice2703 said:

So I met this guy online through Instagram over quarantine and we became very close friends. We would stay up late nights to talk about random things and most of this guy has everything I would look for in a potential partner and the only problem was he was just a friend. He is a great guy and I didn't want to lose him as a friend and I keep conflicting myself between choosing him as a friend or more. To make things worse, I don't even think he likes me that way. He broke up with his ex almost 2 months ago and he is still not over her. So even though we have gone through the whole "convo" and he admitted that he would not go for a serious relationship with me or with anyone which is understandable since he isn't even over his ex and said if I wanted we could try friends with benefits and that's about it. To make things worse we are both first year uni students and going to unis around 2hrs away from eachother and I'm 95% sure we are going to be one of those friendships that was great in the beginning and slowly drift apart later. I hate this so much because he is perfect and I am not even lying for him when I say that. He has everything I would look for in a potential partner and just letting him go feels so wrong and I hate it so much. I really need an outsider to look at this and tell me if there is anything I could do. Thankyou ❤️

Right guy, wrong timing.

But in my experience, when you have a situation where you feel it's the right person, but the wrong timing, it's life letting you know that, no, this isn't the right person, otherwise it would be working out.

He's openly admitted that he's not in the right place for anything emotionally.

If you were to engage in a physical relationship with him, it would be you grasping at straws trying to get him to become attached to you and feel something more for you, through the physical act.

But there's a really good chance that you'll have your heart broken because not only will he still tell you he can't get into a relationship with you, but you've now become physical and will still be rejected.

Please don't go down that road, OP.

He's been honest with you, it's not in the cards for you and him, at least not anytime soon.

Wish him well, stay in contact as acquaintances and if it's meant to be you'll cross paths again later on in the future.

If not, then accept that.

Edited by SherrySher
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9 hours ago, Pumpkinspice2703 said:

 since he isn't even over his ex and said if I wanted we could try friends with benefits and that's about it.  ❤️

Ok. Once you are at University you can make real life friends and date real life guys.

This guy is a creep looking for free therapy and easy sex. 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Try not to get this lonely and bored so that someone like this actually starts looking good to you.

You could also try getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

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12 hours ago, Pumpkinspice2703 said:

I didn't want to lose him as a friend

Do you have to? Emotionally mature adults with some experience behind them can navigate these delicate situations with good nature and kindness. With good will, empathy, patience and understanding on both sides, there really is no reason why you can't be friends.

I don't know how old you are @Pumpkinspice2703, but as a woman in my late 40s I'd have no issues maintaining (and consolidating, even) those precious friendship bonds, which can be just as meaningful as a relationship. As long as you are ok with them dating again a little bit later down the road, and meeting (and hopefully getting along with) their future partner (who will have to accept this special friendship 🙂 ), of course!

What do you think?

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This guy is a creep looking for free therapy and easy sex. 

Quite so.

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Respect your Self, and you will thank yourself later.

Best advice OP. 

And this:

12 hours ago, Andrina said:

Don't date until you've worked on your self esteem or you will keep attracting, and be attracted to inappropriate men like this.

 

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For all romantic purposes -looks being the least of the reasons -he is a stranger.  For friendship purposes he cannot be your friend because you are too attracted to him, because he is interested in meeting you in person for a sexual arrangement, and because friends chat about who they are dating and trying to date - and you would not feel ok about this given your sexual attraction.  I have online platonic friends and have for many years.  Most I've never met in person.  But platonic is the key -it's never been anything other than platonic and never will be.  So we can have a real friendship just like I had a penpal through snail mail as a teenager.  She was a real friend too.  

Please cut off ties with this person -he's telling you who he is, telling you he is not interested in pursuing anything serious in person, and you have no clue whether in person there would be any romantic chemistry or interest.  

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Emotional attachment is very powerful, but when you both go your own ways, and time passes, those feelings will pass too. You will look back and wonder what you saw in him. So don't let those emotions push you around. You are best to let go as hard as it might feel. You will be happier once you are released from it's grip.

Edited by smackie9
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