What to make of all this....?

[SherrySher]

44 minutes ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

confirmed they ran into each other and exchanged numbers

Women in relationships with men they truly love, don't exchange numbers with other men.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

He actually did. It was by chance they bumped into each other at Home Depot. Her bestfriend who I have known for 7 years confirmed they ran into each other and exchanged numbers. She was with her at the time and saw.

I meant when he came over and confronted her. She claims he made it all up, doesn’t she? But come on, that's ludicrous and I'm sure you know it. She was lying to him just like she lies to you.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

 she doesn't know I could see her messages on her apple watch. I only had the pw for it because I set it up for her. When I would ask her questions that I already knew the answers to.

Neither of you could trust each other. You abused the password for your own spying.

You need to address your own issues rather than play victim in this cat and mouse game.

Let go. You went along with all this nonsense for a long time. 

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Are you still spying on her?

[BreakingBadHabits]

10 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Women in relationships with men they truly love, don't exchange numbers with other men.

I'm not justifying what she did with what I'm about to say. But he was a friend from the past who she lost contact with. I didn't have a problem with her having friends, in fact she had other guy friends and I never thought anything about it. I have female friends I've known way before I met her. I expected boundaries though. If a female friend of mine was sending me "love you" messages I would have cut her off. 

[BreakingBadHabits]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I meant when he came over and confronted her. She claims he made it all up, doesn’t she? But come on, that's ludicrous and I'm sure you know it. She was lying to him just like she lies to you.

Oh, in that instance you're correct. Yes, he claimed that he showed up because he was tired of her coming back to my place. I listened to what he had to say and I believe most of what he said. He showed me text messages, pics, and was able to tell me what her an I were doing - going out to eat, going to the movies, making plans for date nights - it's like she kept him updated on what her and I were doing? That didn't make sense for her to do if he believed she was in a relationship with him? Again, not justifying, but if I was cheating on my fiancée with a girl who knew I was engaged but I told her I wanted to be with her, I wouldn't update her with my every move me and my fiancée did....? 

So when she said the only reason he showed up was because he was just upset because he wanted to be in a relationship with her and she didn't want that. Again, not justifying, but that does make a little sense. 

But at the time I thought she was at her moms or her bestfriends. Had I known she was somewhere else I would have reacted different. One reason I didn't suspect anything is, if I called early in the morning or late at night, she answered. She wasn't in a rush to get off the phone or talking low. So when she said she was at her moms or bestfriends I believed it.  

[BreakingBadHabits]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Neither of you could trust each other. You abused the password for your own spying.

You need to address your own issues rather than play victim in this cat and mouse game.

Incorrect. I never had a problem with trust prior to seeing that second message pop up under a girls name. I asked her about the first message and she said he was just a friend and didn't mean it like that and she would tell him to stop. I dropped it at that point. When I saw another message and it was under a girls name, after she admitted it was him, then I checked the watch. Trust but verify. 

She knew all my passwords for stuff. I feel in you're in a relationship and you're engaged, you shouldn't do or say anything you would be embarrassed or ashamed about if your partner found it. Why jump into a marriage with secrets? 

To further expand on that point, any guy, or girl for that matter, who blindly trust even when they know in their gut their being lied to, has more problems than I do. Some people even say, "I don't want to know if my partners cheating"..... why not? I have no problems addressing things. But if I don't like your response or don't believe you, I'll get the info I need by any means necessary. 

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Let go. You went along with all this nonsense for a long time. 

This is 100% true. Honestly, I should have left after I saw the second message under a girls name. The first message, I trusted she would take care of it. My mistake. 

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Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Luckily neither one of us use social media, only LinkedIn, which she has been removed from there.

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Are you still spying on her?

Not at all. Again, I haven't initiated any contact (except for the email) all calls and text she initiates. I haven't blocked yet though. I will eventually do that. 

 

 

 

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

I'm not justifying what she did with what I'm about to say. But he was a friend from the past who she lost contact with. I didn't have a problem with her having friends, in fact she had other guy friends and I never thought anything about it. I have female friends I've known way before I met her. I expected boundaries though. If a female friend of mine was sending me "love you" messages I would have cut her off. 

My husband and I tend to lead a far more simplified version in life when it comes to the opposite sex.

We are always friendly and polite, but we don't befriend. Why? Less complications.

Do we trust one another? Absolutely.

But we know what people can be like, how things can be misconstrued, how people can potentially cause drama, how they can eventually become attracted to you when it wasn't like that to start, and so on.

So we prefer to just not deal with it and we keep our circle very small. This comes out of years of experience, and we're happy with the life we live.

As for this woman in particular, I do have the feeling that she was always engaging and opening herself up to these men for flirtations, and not necessarily friendship.

She doesn't seem like the type who would ever be okay with the attention from only one man.

But to make things worse, she lies about it, and she goes behind peoples backs and plays games.

There is no fixing that kind of person, OP. I mean that sincerely. There is no changing how she is, or the things she does.

She has an addiction to the attentions of other men.

For whatever reason, it may give her an ego boost, maybe she becomes bored easily, maybe she is the type who is polyamorous.

But there isn't a "cure" for who she is, or how she is.

If you were to go back with her a million times, a million times over there would be another man in the background once again.

This is just what the reality is going to be like with her.

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

Oh, in that instance you're correct. Yes, he claimed that he showed up because he was tired of her coming back to my place. I listened to what he had to say and I believe most of what he said. He showed me text messages, pics, and was able to tell me what her an I were doing - going out to eat, going to the movies, making plans for date nights - it's like she kept him updated on what her and I were doing? That didn't make sense for her to do if he believed she was in a relationship with him? Again, not justifying, but if I was cheating on my fiancée with a girl who knew I was engaged but I told her I wanted to be with her, I wouldn't update her with my every move me and my fiancée did....? 

So when she said the only reason he showed up was because he was just upset because he wanted to be in a relationship with her and she didn't want that. Again, not justifying, but that does make a little sense. 

But at the time I thought she was at her moms or her bestfriends. Had I known she was somewhere else I would have reacted different. One reason I didn't suspect anything is, if I called early in the morning or late at night, she answered. She wasn't in a rush to get off the phone or talking low. So when she said she was at her moms or bestfriends I believed it.  

Bolded part...so he would know when not to contact her.

She lied about where she was when she was spending nights with him.  Is that something you're OK with?  It doesn't seem so.

Anyway, it appears you want to "explain" her cheating behaviors to make them NOT be cheating behaviors.  Perhaps because in your mind that would give you "permission" to get back together.

Look, you are an adult and you can choose to do whatever you want.  But it wouldn't make sense to be surprised if/when she cheats on you again (or continues to cheat).  You know what you're signing up for.

I personally think you can do better than a lying cheater, but no one can make your life decisions except you.  Maybe if you want her badly enough you'll be willing to overlook a lot.  I hope not, but it's not for me to decide lol.

[BreakingBadHabits]

5 hours ago, SherrySher said:

My husband and I tend to lead a far more simplified version in life when it comes to the opposite sex.

We are always friendly and polite, but we don't befriend. Why? Less complications.

Do we trust one another? Absolutely.

But we know what people can be like, how things can be misconstrued, how people can potentially cause drama, how they can eventually become attracted to you when it wasn't like that to start, and so on.

So we prefer to just not deal with it and we keep our circle very small. This comes out of years of experience, and we're happy with the life we live.

I get what your saying. And I'd prefer it to be that wat too. However, looking back when I would ask her to cut the (GUY) out after sending those messages her response was, "you're trying to control me and tell me who I can talk to now?" So, looking back yes, I should have left way before she had the chance to get to where we are now. I didn't realize it until I thought about it. But she did accuse me of being controlling and manipulative almost every time I brought something up that I didn't like. 

 

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She has an addiction to the attentions of other men.

For whatever reason, it may give her an ego boost, maybe she becomes bored easily, maybe she is the type who is polyamorous.

But there isn't a "cure" for who she is, or how she is.

 

Would that have anything to do with her having issues wit her dad? She had a really bad childhood and she doesn't even talk to her dad. She hasn't seen or talked to him in 10 years. 

 

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If you were to go back with her a million times, a million times over there would be another man in the background once again.

This is just what the reality is going to be like with her.

 

I understand this too. I've been thinking about that. If we did try to work it out, I seem to be the only one working on myself, it would be the same as it was. 

However, I did see a counselor today. I booked a 4 hour marathon session a few days ago because I didn't think I would make much progress with a 45 minute session. We talked about what got us to this point. We talked about the lack of communication and the cheating. I got a lot of good insight but he also said the next time she reaches out I should talk to her about everything and maybe do counseling with her. He did say that people have been able to work though the issues we had and that we both seemed immature in how we handled the difficult times. She would get mad and leave or shut down, and I would shut down and not say anything. 

Part of why everything snowballed is because we never resolved the issue. Then when a new issue came up we would bring up the past and back to square one. Basically all of our issues went un-resolved until we both just exploded. Neither one of us knew how to communicate is a calm way. 

I also have issues from my past that I brought into this relationship too that I didn't realize.

Now, I'm not saying I'm planning on working things out with her, but my question would be, when someone you love/once loved has issues like that why would we abandon them instead of helping them? I know you can't help someone who doesn't want to help them selves, but wouldn't all this be a cry out for help?  

[BreakingBadHabits]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Bolded part...so he would know when not to contact her.

She lied about where she was when she was spending nights with him.  Is that something you're OK with?  It doesn't seem so.

Anyway, it appears you want to "explain" her cheating behaviors to make them NOT be cheating behaviors.  Perhaps because in your mind that would give you "permission" to get back together.

Look, you are an adult and you can choose to do whatever you want.  But it wouldn't make sense to be surprised if/when she cheats on you again (or continues to cheat).  You know what you're signing up for.

I personally think you can do better than a lying cheater, but no one can make your life decisions except you.  Maybe if you want her badly enough you'll be willing to overlook a lot.  I hope not, but it's not for me to decide lol.

That's not it at all. I'm just trying to make sense of everything. I guess I'm trying to understand so that in any future relationships I don't make the same mistakes or miss the red flags. I'm an easy going person and I don't feel I should have to babysit someone I'm in a relationship with. 

But I have been thinking about everything. I don't intend on getting back. But she does need to do some major overhaul if she wants to be successful in her future. I'm not sure if she's done any of this in any of her past relationships, but she is kind of sloppy when trying to be secretive. She's definitely not an expert, I just wasn't paying attention, I was out n my own world until I suspected something more was going on. BUT, I never expected her to be cheating. That was a total shock to me because of our discussion about cheating at the beginning. Then up until the end, when ever we watched a movie, or a reality TV Show where there was cheating, she would always comment, "oh no, I don't see how someone can cheat on someone else". So I seriously never expected that.

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

when someone you love/once loved has issues like that why would we abandon them instead of helping them?

Has she admitted she did anything wrong?  Has she asked for "help"? Or is she blaming you and accusing you of trying to "control" her?  

If she said "I'm so sorry for what I did.  I love you and I don't want to lose you.  I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I am committed to you and only you.  Please tell me what I can do to fix this" I would say there MIGHT be some hope.

Has she said ANYTHING like that?

[BreakingBadHabits]

28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Has she admitted she did anything wrong?  Has she asked for "help"? Or is she blaming you and accusing you of trying to "control" her?  

If she said "I'm so sorry for what I did.  I love you and I don't want to lose you.  I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I am committed to you and only you.  Please tell me what I can do to fix this" I would say there MIGHT be some hope.

Has she said ANYTHING like that?

No she hasn't. She hasn't admitted anything or apologized for anything. The last thing she said to me in person was, "you haven't changed. Nothing has changed and now you want to go to counseling since it's coinvent for you."'

After that I went no contact, I've only replied to stuff when a reply is needed, like to pick her stuff up and the reference thing. 

[boltnrun]

23 minutes ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

No she hasn't. She hasn't admitted anything or apologized for anything. The last thing she said to me in person was, "you haven't changed. Nothing has changed and now you want to go to counseling since it's coinvent for you."'

After that I went no contact, I've only replied to stuff when a reply is needed, like to pick her stuff up and the reference thing. 

You're not "abandoning" her then.  And her actions are not "a cry for help" although I can see you wish they were.

She did what she wanted for as long as she could get away with deceiving you.  And now she's mad because you found out about her deceit.  She wasn't done playing with you and "GUY" and she's mad because one of her toys got taken away.

That doesn't seem like someone who wants to fix the relationship or who wants any "help".

You're in the bargaining and denial stages of loss.  It's not a crime and it's understandable.  But it might be a bit easier to get through if you know it's not reality, but your desire to relieve the pain the only way you can think of...having her come back to you.  But I use my signature lines for a reason, because they make sense.  The one who hurt you is not the one who can make the hurt go away. 

If you are lactose intolerant and eat ice cream and get terrible gas pains and diarrhea, the solution isn't to go serve yourself a nice big bowl of ice cream and eat it.

It's OK though.  You're going to feel like this for a while, but it isn't going to be forever.  I promise.

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

I get what your saying. And I'd prefer it to be that wat too. However, looking back when I would ask her to cut the (GUY) out after sending those messages her response was, "you're trying to control me and tell me who I can talk to now?" So, looking back yes, I should have left way before she had the chance to get to where we are now. I didn't realize it until I thought about it. But she did accuse me of being controlling and manipulative almost every time I brought something up that I didn't like. 

She's always going to accuse you of controlling when you are trying to stand up for yourself or rightly point out behavior that is not right that she's doing.

There's no way she will be mature enough to accept blame and to correct the behavior, so it's easier to deflect and put the blame on you. She knows what she's doing.

2 hours ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

Would that have anything to do with her having issues wit her dad? She had a really bad childhood and she doesn't even talk to her dad. She hasn't seen or talked to him in 10 years.

Possibly, but it doesn't mean it definitely does. It may just be her personality. She may actually prefer the attentions from different men and won't ever be able to be okay with only one man in her life. But it's more so than that. What concerns me the most, is the lying and hiding things behind your back, blaming you when she's caught out, etc.

Those are very serious issues and they're not something that in my personal opinion can be fixed.

It's her personality. It's become who she is now. Even if it was pointed out to her, she will always try to justify it and continue these types of behaviors.

She doesn't see anything wrong with what she's done, and how she behaves.

If anything, she believes in her own mind, that it was fine what she did and will always blame other people.

You can't fix that. It won't matter how good of a man you are to her, she is always going to find reasons to cheat on you.

Even if you were good as can be, she will say you're boring, you're not taking her on enough vacations, you're not trying new things in the bedroom, you're not exciting like you were in the beginning.

You will never be enough and will never be able to satisfy her no matter what you do.

That's almost a guarantee, even if you refuse to see it.

As for the last bit of you post, I respectfully disagree with the counsellor you saw.

I think they are trying to give you hope where hope doesn't exist. Perhaps the counsellor felt bad for you and could see how badly you were struggling, but truth be told, she's not going to change.

Did you make mistakes too? Yes, but the difference is, you're acknowledging those mistakes, you're taking responsibility for what you could have done differently and the changes you want to make not only in relationships, but with yourself.

She's never going to do any of those things, no matter how badly you want her too.

She will revert right back to placing the blame on you.

She does not see what she did and how she behaved as her fault or any issues with her as a person.

That's non-fixable.

Please understand this.

As for her crying out for help, that's even less of a realistic scenario.

This woman is happy to have her cake and eat it too.

Have you ever considered that? That she is genuinely okay with treating men the way she does and enjoys having a partner and a man on the side?

 

[BreakingBadHabits]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You're not "abandoning" her then.  And her actions are not "a cry for help" although I can see you wish they were.

She did what she wanted for as long as she could get away with deceiving you.  And now she's mad because you found out about her deceit.  She wasn't done playing with you and "GUY" and she's mad because one of her toys got taken away.

That doesn't seem like someone who wants to fix the relationship or who wants any "help".

You're in the bargaining and denial stages of loss.  It's not a crime and it's understandable.  But it might be a bit easier to get through if you know it's not reality, but your desire to relieve the pain the only way you can think of...having her come back to you.  But I use my signature lines for a reason, because they make sense.  The one who hurt you is not the one who can make the hurt go away. 

If you are lactose intolerant and eat ice cream and get terrible gas pains and diarrhea, the solution isn't to go serve yourself a nice big bowl of ice cream and eat it.

All of that makes perfect sense. I don't believe I'm in the denial stage though. For the most part I've accepted it for what it is. Like I said, talking on here had made me realize a lot of things that I glossed over or didn't pay attention to. But typing them out here I can see all the manipulation she was doing. 

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It's OK though.  You're going to feel like this for a while, but it isn't going to be forever.  I promise.

I hope so. I think it's also rough because it's been dragging on since April 18th. Before I knew she was with (GUY) she would give me hope and make me believe she wanted to work it out. I guess I was holding on to the hope she gave me. 

Looing back also I realize she's been treating me pretty bad. Up until the end I did everything for her. To show you what a fool I am, a few days later after (GUY) came to the house she stopped by and said her stomach hurt. I went and heated her bean bag up and made her some hot tea. 

I guess my problem is I totally went soft along the way somewhere. I started taking her crap without realizing it and it progressively got worse. 

But in fairness, I did play a part in the downward spiral of the relationship. I just wish before she went out seeking attention she would have threw me a life raft...... you know, SAVE me like I supposedly SAVED her when I met her. 

[MissCanuck]

You really need to get rid of this woman. 

Your counsellor is way off the mark on that. Your ex does not at all appear to be interested in acknowledging her problems, asking for help, or even seriously interested in making it work with you. She's interested in making it work with Guy, but she keeps you on hold while she makes sure things will work out between them. Counseling is not going fix that. 

One day, when she is behind you, you will thank your lucky stars for getting away from her. This is not what true love looks like, at all. 

[BreakingBadHabits]

3 hours ago, SherrySher said:

She's always going to accuse you of controlling when you are trying to stand up for yourself or rightly point out behavior that is not right that she's doing.

There's no way she will be mature enough to accept blame and to correct the behavior, so it's easier to deflect and put the blame on you. She knows what she's doing.

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What concerns me the most, is the lying and hiding things behind your back, blaming you when she's caught out, etc.

Now that I think about it she's been doing that since early on. That little white lie I caught her in around the 6 month mark I mentioned in the OP, she was out with another male friend but told me she was going over to her moms to go Christmas shopping. This went on for 2 weeks. I don't remember how I caught her in that one though. I do remember her showing me text messages between her and him and there wasn't anything inappropriate, he seriously seemed like he was on the edge, so I let it go. Point is, when I caught her in it she said he was going through problems and need someone to talk to but turned it around on me. The next day while I was at work she was blowing my phone up calling me all kind of names and saying she wasn't going on Christmas vacation with me and cancel her ticket. She ended up going, but her mistake turned into my fault.

Then another time I came home and she was in the garage. I looked through the peephole on the door and saw her in there. So I went up stairs and showered. When I was done I asked her if it was hot in the garage. She asked how I knew she was in the garage, I told her I looked through the peephole. She flipps out talking about how she doesn't like people spying on her and why didn't I let her know I was home. Wth....?

Then another time I came home and she was in the bathroom talking on the phone with (GUY - on speaker). I sat down on the sofa and was playing with the dogs. I heard her say, "why'd you lie to me? I thought you said you were at your moms house. Why'd you lie? We need to chill sometime and catchup." So when she got out of the bathroom and saw me sitting there I said hi like I normally do, then asked her why the hell she cared where (GUY) was? She said, "I can explain, his brother was looking for him and............. wait a minute, WHY WERE YOU EVESDROPPING ON MY PHONE CALL?? You need to announce when you come in the house. Make some noise, say hi, slam the door.... don't just come in all quiet and listen to my call." 

So what you're saying all makes sense now. So. Many. Red. Flags. 

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It's her personality. It's become who she is now. Even if it was pointed out to her, she will always try to justify it and continue these types of behaviors.

She doesn't see anything wrong with what she's done, and how she behaves.

If anything, she believes in her own mind, that it was fine what she did and will always blame other people.

 

 

I agree with this. It makes sense now looking back. I was always in the wrong no matter what.

 

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As for the last bit of you post, I respectfully disagree with the counsellor you saw.

I think they are trying to give you hope where hope doesn't exist. Perhaps the counsellor felt bad for you and could see how badly you were struggling, but truth be told, she's not going to change.

 

I looked at it as creating business. I did learn a lot in that short amount of time, and I think he was good at what he does, but I think his goal was to fix our issues. He also seemed interested in hearing her side to get the whole picture. 

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Did you make mistakes too? Yes, but the difference is, you're acknowledging those mistakes, you're taking responsibility for what you could have done differently and the changes you want to make not only in relationships, but with yourself.

I did acknowledge and and own about 3 weeks ago, before that I wasn't taking responsibility. I wasn't blaming her either, I just kept saying we both played a part in this. Let's both fix it. Then I went on to do everything you're not supposed to do during a break up that probably pushed her away. 

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Have you ever considered that? That she is genuinely okay with treating men the way she does and enjoys having a partner and a man on the side?

So, this is interesting because of her past relationships. First one was semi abusive. Guy took her car, money, and wouldn't let her leave the house. He was controlling and mentally abusive. Second one, the guy was physically abusive and kicked her in the face knocking her 2 front teeth out and needing stitches on her lip. Her mom had to go over there and rescue her from him in a different state. 

Maybe those past relationships played a part in her attitude towards men? But what I don't get is, WHY when women get a good guy like myself, who did EVERYTHING for her and that's not an exaggeration, why treat me like garbage? 

The first 2 months we were together, I simply stopped by Walmart and picked up some juice since I saw she was out the night before and she seriously said, "that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me." So, if that's the case, why treat me like trash?

But as I said before talking on here is really opening my eyes because I have to reflect on the past and then read what I type. I'm seeing the big picture now vs. only my happy memories we had. 

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

WHY when women get a good guy like myself, who did EVERYTHING for her and that's not an exaggeration, why treat me like garbage? 

This isn't a thing women in general do. 

It's a thing emotionally-immature, selfish and rude women do. It's a thing women who are behaving badly themselves do, to deflect and distract so you don't catch on. And if they get away with it once? They'll keep doing it. Just as she did. 

Same as men who are like her. Some men treat wonderful women like garbage, pulling all the same crap your ex did. 

It's up to us to walk awy when someone mistreats us. You are going to need to dig deep and figure out why you chose to overlook what sounds like numerous red flags along the way. And why you still tried to pander to her even after figuring out she was cheating on you with Guy. That is where real healing will come - from figuring you out. Not her. 

[MissCanuck]

14 minutes ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

The first 2 months we were together, I simply stopped by Walmart and picked up some juice since I saw she was out the night before and she seriously said, "that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."

Eh, I'm not so sure I would believe that. 

She is very manipulative, don't forget. You have no idea whether that was true or a line she knows works with guys to make them feel like the White Knight. 

[BreakingBadHabits]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Eh, I'm not so sure I would believe that. 

She is very manipulative, don't forget. You have no idea whether that was true or a line she knows works with guys to make them feel like the White Knight. 

True, but at the time we were "fresh" and she seemed genuine. At that point no real reason to lie. We weren't even "official" yet. Like I Said, at the beginning she was super sweet and fund to be around. The 3-4 month mark is where I'm starting to recall some behavior problems. 

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

True, but at the time we were "fresh" and she seemed genuine. At that point no real reason to lie. We weren't even "official" yet. Like I Said, at the beginning she was super sweet and fund to be around. The 3-4 month mark is where I'm starting to recall some behavior problems. 

So?

That does not mean she was not capable of fugding things a bit to make you feel like The Man and feel sorry for her. 

 

[SherrySher]

 

2 hours ago, BreakingBadHabits said:

True, but at the time we were "fresh" and she seemed genuine. At that point no real reason to lie. We weren't even "official" yet. Like I Said, at the beginning she was super sweet and fund to be around. The 3-4 month mark is where I'm starting to recall some behavior problems. 

I've been advising people with relationships and dating for years now. One of the things I tell people is to not get too attached in the first 6 months. Why? Because in the first 6 months, people won't show you their true colors.

They will show you all the hearts and flowers. It's why lust occurs and why you get that over the top feeling of "this person is perfection"!

Well, they ARE perfection because that's all you've ever seen. You've only seen smiles, happiness, kindness,  flirtations, and easy to get along with, no issues, etc.

But it's not reality. It is fantasy, and one we all get caught up in at some point.

Reality, is seeing this person when they are tired, cranky, hungry, sick, temperamental, impatient, angry, short tempered, anxious, worried, worn out, depressed, unkept.

When they aren't trying to impress you. When the make up comes off and you see REAL.

 Only then can you truly say you know someone, and that you know what they're really like. 

She did a great job at convincing you that she was this sweet, innocent, kind woman who was in need of a knight in shining armor. 

In fact, I think you're still trying to justify some of her behavior by excusing it as "she's broken", "she wasn't loved right", "she had a hard past", etc.

And to a certain degree you may be right, but (and I think someone already mentioned this)...it is not your job to repair her or to save her.

I know you want to, OP, I know you desperately want to think that if you could only be the man who fixes her all up, you'll both ride off into the sunset together.

But it's just not true.

Only she can get help, only she can admit to the problems she has and want to change.

Even if you point it all out to her, it doesn't mean it's going to make any kind of difference.

She does not see her flaws and she does not acknowledge them.

I think part of getting past a broken heart is accepting that no matter how desperately we want this person to be the version we need and want them to be in order for things to work out, it's just not ever going to happen.

That acceptance is what's going to finally get you to closing this chapter and to start healing yourself.

 

 

[BreakingBadHabits]

@SherrySher @MissCanuck @boltnrun @Wiseman2 @DancingFool @Kwothe28 

I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to reply and help with the situation. It was my first ever "heart break" if you will and I got a lot of good insight from you. The interaction on here was really helpful and opened my eyes to a lot of things that I missed or didn't realize at the time. 

As of today I have dropped all her stuff off at her moms house and I have blocked both from any further contact. I did explain to her mom though and let her know why I'm cutting contact out of courtesy. 

That said, I still fear for the future. Having to start over at 40 is scary especially since I was engaged and ready to have children with her. I feel I will have to give up hope having kids due to not rushing into anything, plus most women my age or a tad younger already have kids and don't want anymore and if they don't have kids they don't want any.

But we will see what the future holds. 

Thanks Again,                                                                                                    BreakingBadHabits

[SherrySher]

You're more than welcome. I hope you continue to post on here and give up updates on how you're doing.

Don't give up just yet! 40 is not old! You have lots of time yet. And you could very well meet the love of your life and the next few years and have a family in ten years.

Keep working on yourself and putting yourself in situations where there are good vibes, healthy people and hopeful situations....eventually good will come to you!

Whether it's starting a new hobby, taking classes, (education, cooking, dancing), joining a group for outings and to meet people...don't give up, okay? You deserve so much love. 

[SherrySher]

I also wanted to tell you this. Consider this situation: A woman in her mid thirties, who was in a much similar situation that you were in. She dated someone who did her wrong, treated her badly over and over and is now feeling heartbroken, hopeless, lost...much like you are.

Maybe she's thinking the exact same thing as you. There are no decent men out there, all the good ones are gone. I had my chance and now it's gone for good.

What if both of you are sitting there not even knowing about the existence of one another, but have now made it more of a chance of you two actually meeting now that you've both gotten rid of the ones who kept hurting you.

You could very well eventually find each other, heal one another and have lasting happiness together.

Keep that in mind.

You may have closed a door, but you had to, so you could open another for new possibilities that may finally bring you the happiness you seek.