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Becoming left on the shelf


Carnatic
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1 hour ago, abitbroken said:

Some people babble or say awkward things when they are nervous on a first date and that's okay.

I really, truly think the woman that you are ultimately attracted to is either 1) a totally unavailable but extremely attractive women so you can say "see, i'm undesirable". 2) a woman who reinforces your own thoughts about yourself.  A woman who tells you that you are "plain and overweight" and speaks exactly what your inner dialogue affirms you as.   You are suspicious of anyone who contradicts how you feel about yourself.

Honestly - "plain" might mean you are not a head turning specimen of male perfection, but you are not Quasimodo either.  That is exactly where *most* guys fall in this world. There are a small percentage of men that could walk into an agency for fashion and fitness models and have a multimillion dollar contract and a small percentage of men who are considered "ugly".  In otherwords, your looks are absolutely no barrier in meeting a woman and having a meaningful relationship.  If you are "plain/average" and you are unclean (you always smell, you don't regularly bathe/shower), and you have poor other hygiene (never go to the dentist), then you will have no luck.

So make sure you have a somewhat up to date haircut, ditto your glasses if you wear them, and take an honest look if you are wearing clothing that show you to your best (does not have to be designer, but the styles you choose and that they are clean as well), and that goes a long way.

Stay off of bumble and tinder. that is very much an app for the very young or quite attractive.  Or you need to have a thicker skin.  Other apps might work better for you - where there is a longer profile, or branching out in more ways to meet other groups of people but i think having a better friend group goes a long way

Point 1) is a tricky one for anyone to wrap their head around. It comes up a lot but who would say the people they're attracted to are unattractive?

You may have a point with 2) though. I'm not sure how sincere I'd think a woman was being if she said she was actually attracted to me. That might low level trigger me. Not full on panic attack triggered but certainly might make me put my guard up.

In my life at least, I think women I would say 'no' to, based purely on their appearance are a minority, but I don't know if I have 'high standards' or not, from my perspective I just seem to be constantly surrounded by beautiful women.

Edited by Carnatic
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1 hour ago, abitbroken said:

 If your friends brag who has the smallest ego -- get new friends.  If you choose male company that is happy where they are in life, working towards goals if they are not, etc, and have a healthy sense of self -- its going to rub off on you.

 

Ehh, they're good people. I'm not going to turn down a request for friendship from someone who is sincere in offering it and, from my perspective at least, gives a lot back to the world.

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3 hours ago, Carnatic said:

Ehh, they're good people. I'm not going to turn down a request for friendship from someone who is sincere in offering it and, from my perspective at least, gives a lot back to the world.

That's nice to value someone who gives back to the world - but what about being thoughtful with respect to you -I know people who are far more into causes than individuals.

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5 hours ago, Carnatic said:

Ehh, they're good people. I'm not going to turn down a request for friendship from someone who is sincere in offering it and, from my perspective at least, gives a lot back to the world.

That's like saying someone should accept a date from anyone who asks. Most people don't "request friendship" unless you are talking about facebook friends. You meet someone through a common interest and if they are a total downer, you decide not to initiate plans with that person outside of that photography class or whatever.  Some people through life do fewer things with some friends and make different ones.  You can also set boundaries. When someone starts putting themselves down "i understand that you like to put yourself down, but i wish you wouldn't.  I like talking about cooking with you, but when you put yourself down, i am going to go do something else.."

If most of your friends are in the same boat as you - lamenting about their plainness or what they think they are lacking instead of as a sort of hobby - it drags you down

 

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12 hours ago, abitbroken said:

That's like saying someone should accept a date from anyone who asks. Most people don't "request friendship" unless you are talking about facebook friends. You meet someone through a common interest and if they are a total downer, you decide not to initiate plans with that person outside of that photography class or whatever.  Some people through life do fewer things with some friends and make different ones.  You can also set boundaries. When someone starts putting themselves down "i understand that you like to put yourself down, but i wish you wouldn't.  I like talking about cooking with you, but when you put yourself down, i am going to go do something else.."

If most of your friends are in the same boat as you - lamenting about their plainness or what they think they are lacking instead of as a sort of hobby - it drags you down

 

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That's nice to value someone who gives back to the world - but what about being thoughtful with respect to you -I know people who are far more into causes than individuals.

No I just mean 'request friendship' rhetorically. Nobody's asked me 'can I be your friend' since I was 5. The example I gave earlier about them debating who has the smaller ego was just to illustrate a point, that's not what they're like all the time, and that's only a couple of my friends. They've been there when I've needed them.

My friends are a bit of a mix, in terms of self-esteem, some may be genuinely confident, some put it on, many are insecure in different ways, but I don't think I've ever met someone in my life who isn't insecure about something. Some of my freinds also have low self-esteem... but it comes out in different ways, some for example are serial monogamists. Most of them though are 'functional' when it comes to relationships, i.e. they don't struggle to meet people and have healthy relationships. I think it's important to note that the version of me that comes out here is not a version of me that anyone else sees. I come to places like this to voice concerns that I daren't voice to people irl. Things that I'm not used to saying and probably struggle to articulate myself more than normal because of this.

 

 

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20 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

Some of my freinds also have low self-esteem... but it comes out in different ways, some for example are serial monogamists. Most of them though are 'functional' when it comes to relationships,

What's presumably wrong with serial monogamy? I think some people do find it relatively easy to find a partner and for some it is because of their qualities, others luck and timing or a combo.  I was constantly jealous of those who didn't seem to have to struggle.  But life aint fair and that's the truth.  

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2 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I think it's important to note that the version of me that comes out here is not a version of me that anyone else sees.

Yes, OP.  I got that right back earlier in your thread and took it on board. 

 

2 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I come to places like this to voice concerns that I daren't voice to people irl.

And that's good too!  And it is interesting to read what you have to say OP.

Just to ask if perhaps this is a typo?

2 hours ago, Carnatic said:

some for example are serial monogamists

Aaahh, got it!

https://www.envisionwellness.co/are-you-a-serial-monogamist/

Edited by LaHermes
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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What's presumably wrong with serial monogamy? I think some people do find it relatively easy to find a partner and for some it is because of their qualities, others luck and timing or a combo.  I was constantly jealous of those who didn't seem to have to struggle.  But life aint fair and that's the truth.  

Nothing, there's no judgement implied in my comment.

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1 hour ago, Carnatic said:

Nothing, there's no judgement implied in my comment.

Oh I didn't see it as judgment but you commented that the low self esteem is reflected by the choice of serial monogamy. I didn't understand the connection.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I didn't see it as judgment but you commented that the low self esteem is reflected by the choice of serial monogamy. I didn't understand the connection.

Just that they are dissatisfied with their relationships, but in a different way.

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4 hours ago, Carnatic said:

Just that they are dissatisfied with their relationships, but in a different way.

Oh I see -they are serial monogamists and have expressed to you that they are dissatisfied with the way they choose to date people? Serial monogamy can be really fun and satisfying for people not looking for marriage or very long term commitment - they can be part of a couple and do things together with a foundation of trust and loyalty and when it feels over they move on.  As long as there are no kids involved who could get hurt I mean what's the problem?  Only problem is if someone is settling for serial monogamy and really wants forever  

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33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I see -they are serial monogamists and have expressed to you that they are dissatisfied with the way they choose to date people? Serial monogamy can be really fun and satisfying for people not looking for marriage or very long term commitment - they can be part of a couple and do things together with a foundation of trust and loyalty and when it feels over they move on.  As long as there are no kids involved who could get hurt I mean what's the problem?  Only problem is if someone is settling for serial monogamy and really wants forever  

Yeah, it's not like literally just people who have multiple monogamous relationships, as though monogamy or having more than one relationship is the problem.

When people refer to someone as a 'serial monogamist' they usually mean someone who after one relationship ends, will say they need to be single for a bit, but then within weeks are in another relationship, and then that ends and the cycle repeats.

There's different reasons people have this pattern and sure for some people it is a choice but usually in these cases we're talking about people who want to break the pattern. Often it's because they fear being single and will get into a relationship with the first person who shows interest (my ex was like this), but also it can just be that they are constantly meeting people who they believe might be 'the one' (lots of fictional characters would fall into this category) and often may be compounded, if you'll excuse the gender stereotyping, if they are women considered to be attractive, meaning that there is never a shortage of suitors.

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I think there is a difference between serial monogamists and monkey branchers.

I am known to be in moderately long term relationships (2 years to 4 years duration).  Not recently but in my 30s and 40s.  I don't want to get married again so a steady partner for a couple of years seems to be what I do.  Sometimes the man ends it, sometimes I do.  I have both monkey branched (gone from one partner to another almost immediately) and taken breaks of several months to close to a year in between.

Anyway...how is the fitness regimen going?  Are you consistently going for walks or doing other physical activity?  Are you eating healthy?  How do you feel?

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20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I think there is a difference between serial monogamists and monkey branchers.

I am known to be in moderately long term relationships (2 years to 4 years duration).  Not recently but in my 30s and 40s.  I don't want to get married again so a steady partner for a couple of years seems to be what I do.  Sometimes the man ends it, sometimes I do.  I have both monkey branched (gone from one partner to another almost immediately) and taken breaks of several months to close to a year in between.

Anyway...how is the fitness regimen going?  Are you consistently going for walks or doing other physical activity?  Are you eating healthy?  How do you feel?

It's going well thanks, I feel a bit better and less sluggish and 'uncomfortably overweight'. Got a way to go still, before I can wear my nice clothes again.

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