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Why can’t I leave


Pink26
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So I’m trying to be more independent. My husband and I have not been getting along for years. He basically told me two years ago that he didn’t love me anymore. That when we were engaged he cheated and this all comes out after I started a life with this man . We have been married for 27 years. Now that I am trying to have my own life . I just got a fulltime job . Have been trying to do things for myself which I never do. He has the nerve to say that I’m crazy he never said this to me . This is one of the reasons why I can not stand this man anymore. He’s a hard worker a good provider but he’s verbally abusive . So I’m afraid that I can’t do this on my own . I don’t want my family to break up . Why am I here still . Why can’t I realize I do deserve better than some man playing mind games . He doesn’t treat me nice either .  All my friends keep saying do you want to move forward or move back ??? You can do this . I think they just want to see me happy . Why is this so hard . 

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Pink, im sorry to read about your situation. From an outsider perspective, you seem like a good person that cares about others more than yourself. This relationship does not seem healthy obviously although I can see your hesitation when it comes to staying. Its a scary thing to leave a secure life and that will lead to a lot of uncertainty in the future. Don't let yourself get in your own way here. Nobody deserves what you are experiencing. You deserve better than what he offers. Hard pill to swallow. You can break free from this. Get the support of your friends and family and be as honest with them as possible. People are kind when it comes to this. The only way to a better life is to take that scary first step and start a path to something new. You know how this will end if you do nothing, so try to muster up the courage to change your life in this way. 

I believe in you, 

sam

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You're used to him, you're used to the situation.

Despite him not treating you right, going out in the world alone after 27 years would be daunting for anyone.

But this man no longer respects you, he doesn't want the marriage anymore, and he is starting to become meaner and meaner.

You need to leave, even if you're hesitant about it.

Try to get as much support through family and friends, even a near by woman's shelter.

They may be able to offer you counselling or suggest where to go for counselling.

You may feel fearful initially, but once you get settled into your own place, and you get used to it, you'll  feel freedom and you'll wonder why you put up with him for as long as you did.

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I think because even though he is abusive towards you, this is all you've known for so many years.

Plus, you've been emotionally invested in him & this relationship for so long?

It can be very hard to leave it all. Although you really want to and know you should.

As mentioned, seek some help from other's out there.  Speak to a counsellor & friends, etc.  They can listen & guide you to some good idea's on how to start the process on getting out of this & get going again on your own.

Good on you to act & realize you don't deserve this treatment.

 

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7 hours ago, Pink26 said:

  I just got a fulltime job .

Excellent. You seem to prefer to stay in a sort of limbo where he cheats, you cheat,the man you cheat with drinks, the man you're married to is abusive etc 

The best thing to do is simple. Talk to a therapist about the abuse and appropriate solutions and coping skills.

And talk to an attorney about your options in divorce particularly after being married this long and the impact on retirement and division of assets.

Complaining but not doing anything productive about it won't bring whatever happiness you're looking for:

 

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Yes I do . He started his old hobbie again . Which brought back memories from when he was with his ex . He was saying things to me like she lived around the corner from us when we were first married. He forbid me to go down her street . Now I know why . Also he said that right before my wedding she begged him not to marry me . Why would she do that if they didn’t have anything going on . After I started piecing this together. I started thinking that there’s definitely more times for sure . I never cheated. I talk to my old boyfriend On Facebook. He’s been a really good friend to me through this . Yes he’s asked me to go and visit him with other intentions. I never physically saw him . Anyway I want a confession. I know that I will never get one . My husband wants to work it out . There’s way to much that I can’t even think about rekindling this marriage. I’m broken . 

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10 minutes ago, Pink26 said:

I talk to my old boyfriend On Facebook. Yes he’s asked me to go and visit him with other intentions. There’s way to much that I can’t even think about rekindling this marriage.

Well yes, that's emotional cheating. It's unclear why you are dredging things up from 17 years ago. And yes your friends and family may become weary from listening to your help-rejecting complaining for years on end while you refuse to do anything about anything.. 

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They are sick of it . I feel like a hamster in a wheel going nowhere . My sister is confusing me . She’ll tell me to stay for financial reasons. Then I’ll hear from other people that she hates my husband and doesn’t want to influence me in anyway. That she wants this to be my decision. I keep saying why should I stay for the money . Then she says you need to figure this out . it can’t stay this way . Figure out how you can make it work out financially or fix your marriage. We went to counseling in the past . You can see how well that worked out . I can’t stand the constant degrading, the nasty text messages. On the 4th of July he tells me that he wants a divorce via text and now he wants to work it out . Ugh he’s driving me nuts 

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1 minute ago, Pink26 said:

They are sick of it . 

That's because they are not attorneys and therapists.

You are not paying them $250./hr to listen to your incessant complaints that you refuse to do anything about except flirting with a drunken old  flame online.

You need to pay to talk to an attorney about your options in the event of divorce and You need to talk to a therapist about your chronic discord and  distress.

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@Pink26 YOU need to be clear with yourself. It doesn't matter what other people say or your husband says. He constantly disrespects you and you aren't happy. Is that how you want to live your life? Or, do you want to look back and see how brave you were by leaving anyone who doesn't worthy you and opening other possibilities for you?

And yes, I'm sure you have fears. But it's time to face them.

Start with a plan and execute it. No excuses. Put your feelings on the side, listen to your rational side coming out here and be free. You can do it.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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