Jump to content

Just recently got out of a controlled relationship.


Recommended Posts

Hi. I just need somewhere to tell my story and would love someone to know my story of what I've been through.. Thank you for this space where I can express my feelings 🙂

As I mentioned in my title that I just found my courage to walk out of my super control freak ex boyfriend. I do not know how I put up with him all those time. Here is my story..

I was in a relationship with this guy for almost two years. We talked to each other around 6 months before we decided to be in a relationship. During those times it was such a click between us. We had so many things in common and it felt just right. When we started dating, it was really good in the beginning like every other relationships. As time went by, he started to have problems..

First, The problem is my guy friends. I mostly have guy friends, few are female, but there is nothing more than that and I never cross the line into friend with benefit and I dont do one night stand. He started to say that my friends are terrible people and that I should not be in touch or talk with them. He asked me to choose between him and friends and I chose him. So he asked me to block all my guy friends and do not talk to them anymore. Block all my friends on social media (Facebook and Instagram). I did not want to do it at all but he said cant I do this for him, it would make him feel happy. 

Second, The problem with my social media. I used to be very active on social media but then when people especially guys commented on my posts or photos, he would asked every time who is this person and what is my relationship with him. So I stopped using all kinds of social media completely for almost  year. I used to love posting in jigsaw group where I love it so much then people started comment on my posts and he told me to block all the guys commented and always have problem after I post, so to avoid those, I stopped completely. 

Third, The problem with visiting places by myself. Toward the end of the relationship I cant go anywhere by myself. If I said Im going to this place alone, he would say just wait and go together. Places like supermarket or post office. When i asked why cant I go, he would said he would love to go with me or would love to take me there. 

Forth, The problem with how I dress and clothes that Im allowed to wear or not to wear. I live in a very hot country like over 100 degree F. I would like to wear shorts and they are not super shorts average length shorts like above knee height. He would said I should wear just long pants and just tees. This is very uncomfortable for me but still I did that just to avoid any arguments or problems. Many times when I go outside when I was allowed in the very beginning, he always ask what do I wear, shorts or tank top or crops. 

Fifth, I have to put on my speaker when I talk to my family members. He gets super paranoid when my parents called me when I sleep over at his place during the weekend ( routine plan for us). Im a very private person where I like to have conversation alone. He afraid that my dad would mentioned my friends during the conversation or any of my exes which never came up. 

Sixth, I have to report every single txt messages of who texted me and if i ever forgot, it became a super big deal that he would said its not okey and would ask to break up. It came to the point where I have to capture screenshot of my messages for him to see that there is no one else apart from my family members.

Seventh, every time when I'd like to buy stuffs online, he would ask whether the seller is male or female, not what is it that i'd to buy. If it is a male seller, he would just say to cut off the conversation and dont buy that things.

Eighth, The problem with constant breaking up sentences. If i've done something that hes not okey with, it will be like "then let's break up" or " this is not going to work". If there is anything he did wrong, he would expected that his apology is enough and if I said its not okey, he would say then what would you want me to do. its like if i'm not okay they fine lets break up then. 

Ninth, The differences between pets perspective. I LOVE my dogs and cats and any pets I've ever own. I love them. They are like my babies. When my dog gets sick like throwing up, not eating, diarrheas etc, I would take my dog to the vet right away because I get super worried. For him, he would just wait and see and just said " they are dogs, they will get better by themselves". In the end, his 7 years old super overweight dachshund dies after 2-3 weeks from diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. He even asked me whether he should take his dog to treatment since it will make her suffer before death. I am so disagree with his decision but he would not listen to anyone but himself and his family agreed.         

Tenth, The problem with changing plans. He gets so mad if I have to change plans of any reasons. On the other hands, he did that all the time and expected me to be okay with that. 

Eleventh, The problem with sleeping time. He sleeps all day if im not over at his place and he sleeps all day even though I was over at this place. He sleeps, I wake and vice versa. We no longer spend time watching movies or doing any hobbies together like we used to. We sleep in separated bedrooms. We sometime only eat together if he did not sleep through dinner. 

Twelveth, money problem. He would come ask me if I could order him coffee or order some foods. He asked me a few time if he could borrow some money for motorbike but never return. I do not mind paying for meals as we eat together but towards the end it would be me most of the time that paid. He would say he will give me the money back but I never get that till I got sick of that and just said its okay. 

Thirteenth, The problem with my past relationships or just my past in general. He used to called to ask me to remove all my exes friends on all social media. All photos or tagged photos or anything related to them. Please note that my previous relationship before him was 5 years ago and during those time I had no one at all but myself and my family. I was depressed and locked myself away from others for 5 years. I didnt go out of the house or contact anyone of my friends. It was just my family, my dogs/cats, and I. 

He would make a  big deal of my past relationship 10-12 years ago. I didnt even keep in touch or anything but just friended on social medias but he was not okay with that. Even a guy friends years ago he still assumed that they are my boyfriends. He woke me up last at night to ask these none sense questions and got work up about these topics very often. 

Those are some main problems in my past that were so controlling. He got depressed and super paranoid due to stress over the lock down. He would said that he needs support and understanding which I totally understand since I'd been through depression myself. 

Toward the end of last year due to Covid-19 lock down in my country, we are encouraged to work from home and some curfews were implemented. We can only go to supermarkets, hospital, vet, drug stores and other essential things for daily life. He would said we need to go to the supermarket but would never actually go. 

We went through twice break ups and got back together for the past 5 months. Every weeks there are always surprises of new problems that should not be problems and very none sense. This is the first weekend where I stopped visiting his place. I feel a void in my feelings. It is sad but not sad that we broke up because when I was with him I was unhappy and wish that I could get out of the relationship but I do not know why I was so scared to walk away. I miss him but I do not want to be with him and have that same life anymore (we broke up on Tuesday, so almost a week). I know this is it for my patience and I had enough being told what to do. But im still scare when I talk to my friends now or post on social medias or wear shorts. I know that it will take time and I will be okay. I'd just love to tell someone my side of the story and what I went through. 

Thank you everyone for reading this 🙂 I really appreciated it! 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I'm so sorry you went through this.  I know there are some really good books out there -one that comes to mind is Women Who Love Too Much -and I also would check out Martha Beck's website as I think she is a wonderful and professional person and has written on this topic.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
20 minutes ago, Sara Bruce said:

I'd just love to tell someone my side of the story and what I went through. 

Thank you everyone for reading this 🙂 I really appreciated it! 

 

Thank you for posting this very poignant depiction of an abusive relationship. People will read it and the fact that you had the courage to leave will give women facing your situation courage. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Thank you Wiseman2 for such clarity. I really thought that it was such abusive relationship, both physically and emotionally. There were time when he would push me against walls or tables and wont allow me to leave the room. I dont know how I out up with it. I just felt bad for him but not myself when he has to cope with his mental illness. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment

I hope you have blocked this abuser from contacting you. Block him from all platforms. Don't just rely on having the strength to ignore him.

Then take care of yourself. Spend time with family and friends who love you. Try to reconnect with those you discarded for that man. 

And don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing by leaving him.

  • Like 3
Link to comment

Congratulations on your courage to leave this sick b****rd. Controlling people amplify their abuse when they see their victims slipping out of their control, so please take all precautions for your safety. I hope you went back to your family and cut all contact with this abusive excuse of a man. Please do not take the bait when he starts circling back with promises for change. He will not change.

If I may ask, what was the last drop that made you break up with him? I hope this time it is for good. Do not go back with him, because every time you go back, it becomes more and more difficult to leave the abuse.

Once again, kudos for your strength to leave your awful ex.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Hi East4, Yes! I went back to my family and all of my friends! and of course, you can ask any question. 

as I mentioned before that it had been 2 break ups during the past 5 months and I was really unhappy while I was in the relationship. He was more a burden to my life than a safe heaven for me and I had been feeling that way for a very long time. I just have no courage to leave him even though I always realized that I will be much better off without him. So frankly to answer your question, I think I had been preparing myself for this break up and I was ready. 

And yes, this time is for good!! and like a lot of you mentioned here to be careful if he’d ever circle back. I have been visiting my psychologist, trying to put my emotional in check (he also prevented me from visiting my doctor with many excuses as well)  

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Hi Sara, glad that you enjoy the support of family and friends, this is really a safe heaven in situations like that, when a victim of domestic abuse leaves the abuser. Even better you are talking to a shrink.

One very positive thing I noticed in your posts, is that you realise that the abuse was not your fault, and you have done nothing to deserve that. Many victims, right after the break up with an abuser, believe that they are at least partially responsible for being abused, because they angered/ disappointed/hurt the abuser. This is the typical brainwashing that abusers do to the victims to make them believe that the abuse was justified (e.g. "I hit you, because I told you to not talk to male clerks, but you did anyway. You sl*t deserve to be slapped around!").

Probably he is laying low now, thinking that your anger will subside and you will miss him, which will allow him to waltz back in your life. There will be moments of nostalgia and sadness, but the sadness normally comes from the feeling of loneliness and seeing one's dreams crashed and one's time and energy wasted in vain, rather than missing being treated like a slave. Be strong, do not get the bait to talk, see him and be always aware of your surroundings. Get a pepper spray and hook it to your set of keys, like that it is always handy.

If possible, follow the "street lights" rule, i.e. when the street lights turn on, you should be in the safety of your home. Or if you have to go out/return back late in the evening, make sure you are accompanied by a friend/family member.

Alter your daily routine: take different ways to home, leave/return back home at different times, so that in case he stalks you, you will be unpredictable, thus out of his reach.

Well done, Sara.

  • Like 2
Link to comment

Hi East4, Yes i have to admit that it feels lonely and sometime nostalgic but the good thing is i am quite aware of those feelings and able to pull myself back with lots of help from friends, family and my shrink haha 🙂 sometime I do think about him or wonder what hes doing but I realized it is no longer my concern and I have much better things to think of. 

thank you so much for your suggestion about being unpredictable, that is definitely useful! and thank you so much for your reply, to know that it is not just me who think it was the form of abuse which make me feel a bit crazy. thank you!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
  • 1 year later...

Well done in leaving this guy. You are very very right that this was 100% a domestic violence relationship. You are also very right that his choice to abuse you was not your fault at all. None of it. He made his choices to abuse you. I am so thankful that you left him. I do hope that you are protected from him, have done everything possible to provide no access to you whatsoever in any way, shape or form and that you spend time healing from this guy. We can recognise the signs of abuse for ourselves, however these types of people do not start until you are hooked and invested in them. That was not your fault either. I am sorry you had this experience. I wish you all the very best. 

Link to comment

I am in something quite similar to this, my boyfriend does not like when i speak or hang out with friends too much even though he pretends that he is fine. i dont have friends that i see i havent in a year or two years but thats just how i am but its the fact he is super judgmental too and wont have me seeing anyone too like this. im also scared to speak to my friends around him as he is super judgy

Link to comment
On 12/11/2022 at 6:18 AM, Zoyq said:

I am in something quite similar to this, my boyfriend does not like when i speak or hang out with friends too much even though he pretends that he is fine. i dont have friends that i see i havent in a year or two years but thats just how i am but its the fact he is super judgmental too and wont have me seeing anyone too like this. im also scared to speak to my friends around him as he is super judgy

You need to muster the courage to take care of yourself and walk away too. He is is what he is and he enjoys controlling you. You can't change that, but you can walk away and live a happy life.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...