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Made an enormous life altering mistake


Atlguy
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Well, taking on a wife who isn't currently able to work along with her child wasn't a great idea if you're financially insecure. I'm not sure how you expected things to be.

My son married someone who didn't have a work visa right away. So his spouse worked "under the table" until the work visa came through which I think took a couple of years. They did ok financially until the visa did finally come through. Now his spouse can work legally and things are more comfortable.

It seems as though you're blaming her a bit because you didn't think things through as well as you might have. Not really fair.

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33 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Truth to tell, OP, I'd be scared too. In any case I could never have done what you did.

But I honestly do commiserate with you too. Speaking of money I think you did remark elsewhere that your ex-wife stole from you (or was it your family). 

She didn't steal from me, just didn't pay for much and then saved u money while planning to leave me once I told her I wasn't ready to have a child during the recession.  So yeah.  Might as well have stolen.  Left me with all debt and everything.  My Dad mismanaged money his entire life and filed bankruptcy months before he died.  Left us with nothing.  And he also had a Finance degree.  I swore I'd never end up that way and I won't!

 

Boltnrun, my attorney told me 4-6 months for work permit.  That needs to be the truth.  My wife wouldn't even consider working under the table for fear of being deported.  As if this administration would deport anyone! No way that happens, but I'm not arguing with her on it.

Edited by Atlguy
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On 8/24/2021 at 4:49 PM, Atlguy said:

She didn't steal from me, just didn't pay for much and then saved u money while planning to leave me once I told her I wasn't ready to have a child during the recession.  So yeah.  Might as well have stolen.  Left me with all debt and everything.  My Dad mismanaged money his entire life and filed bankruptcy months before he died.  Left us with nothing.  And he also had a Finance degree.  I swore I'd never end up that way and I won't!

 

Boltnrun, my attorney told me 4-6 months for work permit.  That needs to be the truth.  My wife wouldn't even consider working under the table for fear of being deported.  As if this administration would deport anyone! No way that happens, but I'm not arguing with her on it.

If you had a child then, the child would have grown up NOT in a recession .  It seems you have every excuse in the book on why you won't act, and then when you do, you panic and walk it back and blame other people.  I suspect that "all of the debt" was not her doing.  I highly suggest personal counseling. You also have to stop the narrative of being "wronged" by your ex.  You didn't want kids, she did. She left. 

My ex told me that men yell, women cry, marriages don't work and women are not trustworthy after we were married.  So guess what?  He made it come true.  He yelled at me a lot, and at some point I cracked and started crying when he did.  I *was* trustworthy while his mom cheated -- and he always tried to suggest that we have a threesome (nope) or try to convince me to sleep with a woman (that will happen on the 12th of never), as an ex of his "did that to him."  And our marriage didn't work.  I am with the love of my life now and things could not be better.

 

Marriages with limited time together before marriage HAVE worked among some people in my life, but under these circumstances. Couple A)  He brought over a woman from his home country -- he was born here, is entire family was from a country in Europe -- the woman's parents and grandparents were friends with his family in the "old country" so knew the character of the family and young woman.  She shared a religion, culture, views on family, marriage, life goals, etc, with the groom to be.  If it was not a love match once they met, they would not have gotten married. (she was also educated so could contribute financially as the potential kids were a little older)  The guy has been my dad's fried since high school.  They are still married and in love. 

 

I think in your case -- you did it, so the solution  on the table is to get to know your wife. You have nothing to lose by doing so. 

Going forward, you need to be way more intentional with your actions in life. 

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On 8/27/2021 at 4:14 PM, abitbroken said:

It seems you have every excuse in the book on why you won't act, and then when you do, you panic and walk it back and blame other people.  I suspect that "all of the debt" was not her doing.  I highly suggest personal counseling. You also have to stop the narrative of being "wronged" by your ex.  You didn't want kids, she did. She left. 

What a load of crap and completely not helpful.  Maybe you should look in the mirror instead of throwing stones at me.

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41 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

What a load of crap and completely not helpful.  Maybe you should look in the mirror instead of throwing stones at me.

Which part is crap?

You have nothing to lose by getting to know your life with your wife in person?

Shot gun weddings tend to work moreso if you have a familiar background like being from the same country or have family in the same countries?

When you don't deal with your baggage, you continuously self-sabotage your next and next relationships?

No one is saying they are better than you here - it's tried and true info where we've been there, done that, and got the T-shirt.

 

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2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Which part is crap?

You have nothing to lose by getting to know your life with your wife in person?

Shot gun weddings tend to work moreso if you have a familiar background like being from the same country or have family in the same countries?

When you don't deal with your baggage, you continuously self-sabotage your next and next relationships?

No one is saying they are better than you here - it's tried and true info where we've been there, done that, and got the T-shirt.

 

I've spent 2 years getting to know my wife.  Obviously, it takes many years to learn everything, and really we never do.  I don't need to be lectured on self improvement either.  It's been a lifelong mission.  This was no "shot gun wedding".

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14 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

I've spent 2 years getting to know my wife.  Obviously, it takes many years to learn everything, and really we never do.  I don't need to be lectured on self improvement either.  It's been a lifelong mission.  This was no "shot gun wedding".

20 days in person vs 2 years in person.  How they eat in public vs at giants events vs corporate events vs street fairs vs when it's just you two vs with the family vs picnics, on the beach, on a road trip at a dive at a Michelin Star restaurant.  What a bad period day or good hair day is like. 

There is a lot of nuances you don't always get or discover by virtual meetings and phone calls.  

You married a woman and are already complaining about her, and sweating there's no other options left, and don't believe there is room for improvement for yourself?  That this is the best you'll ever be? What it the post of posting if you are not be held accountable for your own actions?

It's your life too, and it's not on cruise control.  As basing it on a school schedule and time constraints is a shot gun wedding.

Edited by tattoobunnie
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13 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

There is a lot of nuances you don't always get or discover by virtual meetings and phone calls.  

That is so true, Tattoo. 

And OP, this type of comeback is not at all helpful. No one is "throwing stones" at you.

3 hours ago, Atlguy said:

What a load of crap and completely not helpful.  Maybe you should look in the mirror instead of throwing stones at me.

And your thread headline still reads: Made an enormous life altering mistake.

Look, OP, take hold of the reins and get your stagecoach back onto the road. 

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On 8/24/2021 at 10:49 PM, Atlguy said:

my attorney told me 4-6 months for work permit.

I am assuming you knew this even before you married her, no?

You're all over the place in this thread, but what - specifically - would you like your wife to do that she is not doing? It's only been a few weeks, and I am wagering you knew she wouldn't be able to contribute financially for a period of time. I don't think there have been any surprises in that regard, and it sounds like you did your research on the issues of documentation and immigration. 

 So, what is it that prompted you to open this thread about her not marrying you for the right reasons? Is she withdrawn? Unaffectionate? Unhappy?

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

So, what is it that prompted you to open this thread about her not marrying you for the right reasons? Is she withdrawn? Unaffectionate? Unhappy?

Yes, I would also like to know this. It’s hard to advise you, OP, when you have a contrary response to everything.

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Look you are allowed to say you are struggling financially, that is fine. But what doesn't really make sense is that you knew all this stuff before so it's actually not your wife's fault. You knew she can't work for six months, you knew she has a son. Now you're complaining that you need to support both her and her son. But what else are they supposed to do? Eat thin air? You wrote in your previous posts that you really struggled to find a woman after your divorce twelve years ago. Now you found one and you seem mostly upset about having to pay for everything. You said she's trying to be frugal but she does need money for some things still. You said she wants to work when she can. So regarding finances she doesn't seem to be trying to use you.

You didn't really say in what other ways she's not making an effort. You just said she's not putting in effort. Could you give some examples? What are some actual reasons you don't think it'll work? Except financial. Because that part is actually out of her control.

I think if you really think it's not working then of course you can divorce. You shouldn't force it just to have "someone". But keep in mind if you do that you'd be back to square one and looking for a woman online again from another country. As you did say already in your posts that finding someone in the US is not an option for you. 

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