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Made an enormous life altering mistake


Atlguy
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I think I know the answer to my dilemma, but putting it out here anyway.  I got married 2 weeks ago to a woman I have known for 2 years.  She is from Ukraine and was here on a K-1 Visa.  However, now it is painfully obvious she's not here for me, but to give herself and son a better life.  I mean, I knew that would maybe be a part of her motivation, but thought I was the main reason for her moving here and giving up her rather decent life in Ukraine.  Her actions say otherwise.  At this point, I'm considering an annulment and sending them back.  I hate it for her son as he just started school here and could lose a year of education.  Not sure I can wait until end of May and then send them back.  Potentially that's 9 more months of unhappiness. I guess there's a chance I'm wrong about her intentions, but I've been putting in all the effort.  Maybe if I tell her what I'm thinking/feeling, it will motivate her to put in 100% rather than the 30% currently.  I'm not holding out much hope for that though.  Quite frankly, being alone is preferable if this continues on it's current course.  I'm footing all the bills, planning dates, helping around the house, bought her a car, etc.  She's not doing much of anything, and more importantly not making me feel valued or appreciated.

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13 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

She's not doing much of anything, and more importantly not making me feel valued or appreciated.

Sorry this is happening. Is there a language barrier? Does she want to work? 

In what ways does she make you feel used/not loved? Is she cold or unaffectionate?

Before you go for deportation, talk about your concerns. Also can she get a work visa to stay for her son if you annul the marriage?

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Oh no. Is she that woman you posted about before and everyone warned you of?

Yes. Get an annulment. Asap.

It doesn't matter for the kid. She is responsible here for this and the kid can carry on his studies in Ukraine. He'll be fine. Studies are on and off anyways because of covid and again: he's not your responsibility. That woman used you to get there. Don't allow her to guilt trip you or get pity from you in any way.

I'm sorry, but you had to see it for yourself. Now learn the lesson and act asap accordingly.

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From your previous posts you knew this was a possibility.  But you said you chose to proceed because you thought it would work out OK and you didn't really think she was using you for a visa. You said you would be OK if it didn't end up working out.

So, you will be OK. 

Is she allowed to work? If so, can she live on her own until you can arrange for the annulment? 

And stop paying for everything if she is able to work.

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18 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

 I'm footing all the bills, planning dates, helping around the house, bought her a car, etc.  She's not doing much of anything, and more importantly not making me feel valued or appreciated.

What did you expect mate? This is the kind of person you can buy with a Visa. Send her back. What you see now is the best version, imagine later.

Why did you buy her a car already? The visa wasn't enough?

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8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Is there a language barrier? Does she want to work? 

In what ways does she make you feel used/not loved? Is she cold or unaffectionate?

Before you go for deportation, talk about your concerns. Also can she get a work visa to stay for her son if you annul the marriage?

There is a bigger language barrier than I realized.  But also, when she is upset she withdraws.  We're both guilty of that and it becomes a standoff.  That said, I worked on this previously.  Its just that she is cold and can be unapproachable, so although I don't want to behave like this, I fall right back into it.  

I plan to discuss it this weekend, but no, since I haven't filled out the next stack of paperwork and paid the $5k in fees for it (I won't if this doesn't change) she would have to go back.  I'm just glad I haven't filed that paperwork yet.

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

From your previous posts you knew this was a possibility.  But you said you chose to proceed because you thought it would work out OK and you didn't really think she was using you for a visa. You said you would be OK if it didn't end up working out.

So, you will be OK. 

Is she allowed to work? If so, can she live on her own until you can arrange for the annulment? 

And stop paying for everything if she is able to work.

She is not allowed to work.  I wanted to get the paperwork filed asap as this is a strain on me.  Would take 4-6 months for her work approval from when I file it.

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5 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

I expected the "I told you so" responses.  Its not really helpful, but hey, I asked for it.  I take responsibility for being a fool.

I am sorry you are going through this mate but the good thing is that you can still fix it. 

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Being alone is certainly better than being in bad or unsuitable company.

I don't know in what church you married, but getting an annulment is complicated and I know for a fact that Catholic church annulments are costly, very.

 

1 hour ago, Atlguy said:

I'm footing all the bills, planning dates, helping around the house, bought her a car, etc.  She's not doing much of anything, and more importantly not making me feel valued or appreciated.

Can I honestly say, OP, that I just don't understand you or why you married this person.  Surely there are women where you are.  Why go through this purgatory?

 

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1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

Can I honestly say, OP, that I just don't understand you or why you married this person.  Surely there are women where you are.  Why go through this purgatory?

In his previous threads he explains why he chooses Ukrainian women. 

It's not that we told you so, but that you were so sure she wasn't marrying you for a visa. I don't think anyone is happy it turned out this way. It's too bad it didn't work out, but if you take steps to get out of this marriage you can certainly move forward. Maybe a little bit wiser for the future.

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Hey I remember that thread. I think I called it "90 days Fiance" TV show. Sorry it really did turned out that way

2 hours ago, Atlguy said:

Maybe if I tell her what I'm thinking/feeling, it will motivate her to put in 100% rather than the 30% currently. 

I wouldnt hope on that. Women like that all expect certain standard. What is worst is that you gave it to her with credit card, car etc. So why would she change? When she can be passive and you will still give her everything?  But I think its good that you finally saw that and want to resolve it.

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Your thread from April had a lot of red flags but it looks like you went through with the wedding anyways.

Here is your second paragraph from that thread:

The issues are many: Culturally,  we seem to not understand each other's life/expectations and have conflicting ideas about what marriage looks like.  For example, she initially expected me to fully support them while she keeps what she makes for herself and her son.  My Russian friend who lives here and immigrated 15 years ago set her straight on that idea.   I think the biggest thing is her viewing us as separate vs a real family.  She has reluctantly agreed to help with bills once she can work. 

  It would seem your Russian friend didn't get through to her after all did he?

Go back and read that thread and you will know what to do.  Your gut was screaming at you to not marry her but you did.  Time to realize you married her for all the wrong reasons.

  My two cents is she had an idea in her head how things were going to be from the start and she still feels that way.  At the worst you are being used and she will divorce you as soon as it is legally safe for her to do so.  At best you married someone that does not love you and is unwilling to be a partner in the marriage.   Either way it is bad and should end.

The teenager will be fine and you shouldn't feel obligated to stay married just for him.

  I don't recall you ever mentioning her age, I remember you are 52, how old is she?

Lost

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Well I think it's OK to have the arrangement you have if you understand it is what it is and you're fine with it. I'm originally from Eastern Europe myself but I came to Australia as a child. My parents and I knew some Eastern European women and some were "mail order brides" as you call them. We knew one who was only in her late 20's or early 30's but she was dating a man in his 60's because she wanted to get married to an Australian to stay in Australia. Surely the man knew this and that she was basically using him, but the pay off was that he had a pretty young woman on his arm. There are men and women who are fine with these kinds of arrangements because they both get something out of it. Sometimes they even stay with the same person and have kids and so on because they feel comfortable with each other and they decide to "settle".

Unfortunately I think when women are deliberately looking for a foreign man online, they usually do have an agenda and that is to leave their own country. She might "like" you in the sense that you're a decent man and you can take care of her and her son. But it would be surprising to be honest if she actually truly loved you, as basically your whole relationship was online. Your real life relationship has only just started and you can see now what it really is.

The problem is that yes she obviously did expect you to financially support her and her son at least for a while. As she wasn't going to be allowed to work initially. You said there's a language barrier so with her English not being good I'm not sure that she'd be able to get a job that pays very much. She would probably have to do some kind of work that doesn't require a lot of English, like a cleaner or shop assistant of some kind. Also you do need to financially support her son too because he's her child and he's not going anywhere.

Some women might be of the mindset that they left their country and all their friends and family behind to be with you, so they expect you to take care of them. 

I guess the thing is that you must have known this relationship was kind of transactional on some level. You could be OK with it if you accept that it is. If you're not OK with it and you want a woman to actually love you for you, then you may need to date American women. Unfortunately a woman who finds you online from another country would have coming to the US as her number one reason. If it wasn't then she'd look for a man in her own country.

Edited by Tinydance
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5 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Being alone is certainly better than being in bad or unsuitable company.

I don't know in what church you married, but getting an annulment is complicated and I know for a fact that Catholic church annulments are costly, very.

 

Can I honestly say, OP, that I just don't understand you or why you married this person.  Surely there are women where you are.  Why go through this purgatory?

 

Some states offer a legal annulment for short marriage like that that turned out to be a scam or false pretenses. He should check with his local courthouse about that if that is where they married.

They are not costly re Catholic church. They are free of charge in most dioceses.  But I doubt they would have made it through the pre-marriage counseling to get married in the church had they barely spent time with eachother. Any issue that was not settled would have been brought to light.

If someone was underaged/coerced or the person scammed the other person and it wasn't a sincere marriage on the part of one of the spouses, and a brief marriage, it is a lot easier to get and more of a slamdunk vs trying to get one after being married 20 years which is a drawn out situation and one may or may not be granted. you are required to get a legal divorce first in any case.

But if neither of them is Catholic, it doesn't matter - no need to get one in that case. 

At any rate -- figure out what you are willing to do -- are you going to divorce her - and have the money aside to send her back.  What are the restrictions for her to travel right now? Or do you wait until she can work and keep her here - live separately and divorce her in a couple years?

 

 

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12 hours ago, Atlguy said:

There is a bigger language barrier than I realized.  But also, when she is upset she withdraws.  We're both guilty of that and it becomes a standoff.  That said, I worked on this previously.  Its just that she is cold and can be unapproachable, so although I don't want to behave like this, I fall right back into it.  

I plan to discuss it this weekend, but no, since I haven't filled out the next stack of paperwork and paid the $5k in fees for it (I won't if this doesn't change) she would have to go back.  I'm just glad I haven't filed that paperwork yet.

Ok. The cultural differential and language barriers are huge issues.

That alone can make complex conversations difficult.

Do you have sex and sleep in the same bedroom? It's unclear what you mean by cold and withdrawn.

You're married for 14 days. 

What exactly is bothering you except she won't argue with you?

You understood that these russian bride arrangements mean it's transactional and that you get a wife/sex partner in exchange for providing an entry into the US and providing the finances and paperwork for that.

Ok, so what's the real problem? You got a wife, she's in the US and so far that's the deal you understood and agreed to.

What exactly has you so angry that you want to deport her after all the hassle of getting her here?

And don't keep saying "she withdraws" because that's secondary to the language and cultural barrier.

This isn't about "told you so". This is about now what?  You need to take it from here because shoulda, woulda, could a, is not the way to go about three lives and futures at stake here.

Annulment is a no-brainer in your situation because of the brevity of the marriage. That's the least of your problems.

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32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. The cultural differential and language barriers are huge issues.

That alone can make complex conversations difficult.

Do you have sex and sleep in the same bedroom? It's unclear what you mean by cold and withdrawn.

You're married for 14 days. 

What exactly is bothering you except she won't argue with you?

You understood that these russian bride arrangements mean it's transactional and that you get a wife/sex partner in exchange for providing an entry into the US and providing the finances and paperwork for that.

Ok, so what's the real problem? You got a wife, she's in the US and so far that's the deal you understood and agreed to.

What exactly has you so angry that you want to deport her after all the hassle of getting her here?

And don't keep saying "she withdraws" because that's secondary to the language and cultural barrier.

This isn't about "told you so". This is about now what?  You need to take it from here because shoulda, woulda, could a, is not the way to go about three lives and futures at stake here.

Annulment is a no-brainer in your situation because of the brevity of the marriage. That's the least of your problems.

He might be upset that she doesn't seem to love him and it became obvious. But I think unfortunately it was to be expected. Also I'm not really defending her but she's literally alone in the US just with her son. She doesn't know literally anyone and doesn't speak much English. Doesn't work and there's COVID so no opportunity to have friends. My guess would also be that she's getting depressed and lonely and hence why she's withdrawn. 

I remember when I first moved to Australia with my parents as a 12-year-old from overseas and I didn't speak much English or know anyone. It was pretty scary.

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