I don't know what to do...........

[xzzzxv]

When I was in high school, my mom need to move to my grandparents house in the suburb area to take care of them, while me and my sister staying in the city since we need to finished school first. My sister always go back and forth since she was on her last year on college so I tend to be left alone. Ever since I feel sad, down, or even stressed with stuffs I have no one to talk to, I was bullied in junior high because of my parents was divorced. I've been developing such a trust issue since the friends that I'm being friends with turns out to be different behind my back. Everybody on my school keep talking about me because they think that I will turn to be a bad person because I'm coming from a broken home family and there's no chance for me to be successful in life. My sister we can say is way more better in study than me so they keep comparing me to her and say that I'm just a failure.

 

I'm trying so hard to keep up with such life, I can't tell my family that I was being bullied. All I can do is trying so hard so I won't be a failure. I attend a college that my sister always wanted to go to, I apply and get in to the college because I know how devastated she was when she found out that she wasn't accepted I want to help her to fulfill her dream. I keep doing things that my family wants, trying to achieve the dreams that they cannot fulfill, I'm trying to make them happy. And yes I have never imagine that my family would be that happy, I got accepted and now I'm working in a good tech company which of course the dream company of my sister as well. Without I even notice, I keep living the life that my family wanted to live not the life that I wanted. The burden that I need to carry is getting heavier and heavier every day.

 

I feel like If I give up the life that I'm having now, trying to pursue the life that my family wanted I will just disappoint them.. I think for the past 2 years I've been feeling this way. I hate my everyday life. I hate the job that I'm having but every time I tell this to my family or to my friends they keep telling me that I need to be grateful of what I'm having and there must be people out there that envy the life that I'm having. It's not that I'm being ungrateful but I don't feel like I'm having a happy life? I feel like I'm being forced to. I always wake up feeling tired lately, it's really hard for me to sleep since there is inside of me that doesn't want to sleep, I don't want to wake up and do the things that I hate. I keep feeling unmotivated, I keep getting more slower at works. My mom keep finding me blankly staring at my walls, and I lately realize that I keep just sitting still with my computer screen on and doing nothing.

 

It feels really suffocating, I feel so tired. I found out that it's getting harder for me to talk my colleague, there is this weird feeling inside me when they try to communicate with me. I hate it, I feel anxious and I don't know why. There's a time when I was left alone at home that even when I supposed to work I was just crying, I was literally bawling. And the last 2 weeks I keep crying before I sleep and I don't know why. It feel so empty, I lost interest in things that always gives me fun. I feel so stressed, I don't know what to do.

[Wiseman2]

If you are in crisis call a mental health or suicide hotline to talk to someone who'll listen and steer you in the right direction.

You need to get an evaluation from a physician for the depression and a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.