Guy I just started seeing is a terrible texter and it annoys me already... advice?

[Alyssa.789]

I would appreciate any tips or advice on my situation... and also would just like to get my feelings/anxiety off my chest. 

So I've only been on one date with this guy, and so far things seem great. We already agreed to meet again for a second date while on the first one and he's supposed to send the details later. He seems genuine but the problem is that he's not a great communicator in general, and especially over text. The first date went really great but there were a couple instances in which he made me feel ignored, and he came off as extremely interested in some ways but disinterested in other ways. So I'm a bit conflicted on that, although he's very sweet. Maybe I just need to give it more time and see if things improve after we get to know each other more... 

My main problems right now are that he will initiate texting every couple or few days but the conversations are always extremely short. Sometimes I will ask him questions back and he will just respond with dry answers or sometimes even ignore the question. This makes me feel extremely annoyed. However I can't help myself from still being interested in him and wanting to see him again. 

So far it has been about equal and I know I may have come across as disinterested in some ways too, although not intentionally. I think it may also be because he is young (he's 22 and I'm 24, so only 2 years younger than me but I usually date men who are older than me) and hasn't fully developed his communication skills yet. He is very stoic and smart but I think sometimes he just doesn't know what to respond, both in person and through text.

Honestly I would just prefer he doesn't text at all except to make plans because his short and dry responses put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. It just comes across as disrespectful to me, and makes me miss past relationships in which we had amazing communication through long, interesting messages and phone calls. 

Also, he will be visiting his family in Europe for a few months next year, so in my mind I'm prepared to just have fun with him short-term and have things fizzle out later. But I'm already caring too much after one overall great date... since it's only been one date, how can I care less about this? For context, I think I have an anxious attachment style but tend to come across as having secure attachment and maybe even a bit of avoidant attachment. 

[Seraphim]

Don’t judge people by liking to text. Personally , I hate texting I would rather actually use my mouth to speak. Reducing relationships to texting causes more problems than people realize. Use the phone to make an actual phone call . 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Alyssa.789 said:

he's 22 and I'm 24. he will be visiting his family in Europe for a few months next year, so in my mind I'm prepared to just have fun with him short-term and have things fizzle out later. 

Ok, it's only one date so if you're on the fence about it another date is good.

You seem to think there are some red flags like being distracted on the date, incompatible communication styles, immaturity and being gone for for extended periods.

It may be best to cut your losses if you're lukewarm about him and especially if he'll be leaving. 

Since you're not interested in serious or long term, it may be best to reflect on the present...and that's not too great either.

[Alyssa.789]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, it's only one date so if you're on the fence about it another date is good.

You seem to think there are some red flags like being distracted on the date, incompatible communication styles, immaturity and being gone for for extended periods.

It may be best to cut your losses if you're lukewarm about him and especially if he'll be leaving. 

Since you're not interested in serious or long term, it may be best to reflect on the present...and that's not too great either.

That's the problem though... despite all of these minor issues and him leaving later, I'm already way more invested in him than I should be. I'm ready to go on another date with him but also don't want to feel like a nervous wreck and overthink in between dates. It's more my issue than him specifically I think, and I don't know how to overcome it. 

And just to add... I actually do really want something long-term and serious with him but I think reminding myself of the situation is just my way of trying to guard my heart, but I don't know how well that will work. 

[Alyssa.789]

22 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Don’t judge people by liking to text. Personally , I hate texting I would rather actually use my mouth to speak. Reducing relationships to texting causes more problems than people realize. Use the phone to make an actual phone call . 

I agree with this and I really prefer phone calls too, but I feel like we're not close enough for one yet and it would probably be super awkward. It would also leave us with little to talk about in person, I think. And I really don't think he'd communicate much better with a phone call anyways. 

[Rose Mosse]

This probably depends on what you're looking for overall. If you can define that it might help your confidence and reduce your anxiety. If you only want to date him casually, alter your expectations accordingly and place less importance on this. 

If you're looking for something more serious or long term and aren't sensing enough chemistry, move on.

[smackie9]

I see red flags here... he's not a good communicator in general, so this isn't just about texting. You feel ignored, and he came off as extremely interested in some ways but disinterested in other ways. That's hot cold personality which does NOT improve over time. This why we go out on dates...to see what they are like, and there seems to be too many things you do not like.

[Alyssa.789]

44 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This probably depends on what you're looking for overall. If you can define that it might help your confidence and reduce your anxiety. If you only want to date him casually, alter your expectations accordingly and place less importance on this. 

If you're looking for something more serious or long term and aren't sensing enough chemistry, move on.

I know I want something serious and long-term, as in future husband and father of my children. But I know that's a heck of a lot of expectation and pressure to put on someone, so in order to guard my heart I try to go into things telling myself it'll just be short-term and to have fun, but I end up feeling anxiety eventually anyways, and usually pretty soon after meeting once I know I like him. How do people keep their heads on straight in between dates, especially at the beginning when things feel so uncertain? I've always been this way and I know I need to change but don't know how to haha. 

[Alyssa.789]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I see red flags here... he's not a good communicator in general, so this isn't just about texting. You feel ignored, and he came off as extremely interested in some ways but disinterested in other ways. That's hot cold personality which does NOT improve over time. This why we go out on dates...to see what they are like, and there seems to be too many things you do not like.

You are right. But I still can't stop myself from being interested in him. UghHhh! Dating is so frustrating and yet I don't want to give up haha

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Alyssa.789 said:

I'm already way more invested in him than I should be. I'm ready to go on another date with him but also don't want to feel like a nervous wreck and overthink in between dates. It's more my issue than him specifically I think, and I don't know how to overcome it. 

And just to add... I actually do really want something long-term and serious with him but I think reminding myself of the situation is just my way of trying to guard my heart, but I don't know how well that will work. 

Hmmm yes, you should find a way to slow yourself down. It's only the first date. And while his communication style may very well suck and be a red flag.... it's only the first date. Have you found yourself overthinking in previous relationships?

[Rose Mosse]

46 minutes ago, Alyssa.789 said:

I know I want something serious and long-term, as in future husband and father of my children. But I know that's a heck of a lot of expectation and pressure to put on someone, so in order to guard my heart I try to go into things telling myself it'll just be short-term and to have fun, but I end up feeling anxiety eventually anyways, and usually pretty soon after meeting once I know I like him. How do people keep their heads on straight in between dates, especially at the beginning when things feel so uncertain? I've always been this way and I know I need to change but don't know how to haha. 

I suppose that's one way of looking at it. But how can you possibly think of him as "future husband and father of your children" if he comes across as disrespectful in your communication with each other? Is this not a turn off? I don't particularly think about things like this. I just don't respond and move on to someone else. 

There are some things that you feel in your gut aren't right. I don't second guess those things. Out of a million things I'd rather be doing, being around someone I don't like for one second is not one of them.

You don't quite know each other yet either so if you want to keep seeing him to satisfy your curiosity or have some fun, why not. But please don't waste your time if you're not having fun in the very least.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Alyssa.789 said:

I agree with this and I really prefer phone calls too, but I feel like we're not close enough for one yet and it would probably be super awkward. It would also leave us with little to talk about in person, I think. And I really don't think he'd communicate much better with a phone call anyways. 

I think you're the one with the poor communication skills -not close enough to talk in person or over the phone? What's the point of texting - don't you want to get to know someone over a period of time like unwrapping layers of a package - as opposed to knowing what his typical order at his favorite fast food place is or what his little sister did today that was sooooo super cute? You talk by phone in the beginning to make a plan, chat a bit, etc.  When my husband and I were dating in 2005 I didn't have or want a phone -I did have messenger and email etc but we spoke by phone nightly if we weren't together -for about a half hour - and we always had plenty to talk about -this is when we were seriously dating.  

I communicate differently by phone ,text, facetime (which I hate) and in person. I think you're focusing way too much on how he texts which has nothing to do with his age or communication skills.  When one of my nieces was 22 she was terrible at texting with me anyway -very short, abrupt -but that was because she was so busy communicating with her two young kids and husband. 22 is an adult.  Communication skills is how he behaves in person and secondarily by phone.  Not what he types in a text.  

[melancholy123]

Too soon for a phone cal?  What would you have done in the Olden Days before texting existed?  If you want a conversation with someone, phone them!

I'm wondering if you are being pushy as you do sound it.

Not all guys are good at texting and maybe he's one of them.  

 

 

[SooSad33]

This is who he is.. and has nothing to do with being only 22.  No real age diff in this.

As mentioned, how about an actual phone conversation?  Not everyone likes texting. Then, this way you can actually see IF he just lack in much communication...

As for riding it all out.. for now, because he's going away in a few months, is maybe best to NOT dive into this. in order to not get hurt. As you know, you will become to really like him and get emotionally invested.

So, would be good to figure this all out asap.

[Cherylyn]

It's been only ONE date and you're already fretting about this? 

Also, keep in mind, some people are terrible texters, perceived as blunt, terse, brief, abrupt, rude and unempathetic.  I've known people like this yet in person, they're so much better, very amiable, genuinely kind and caring types.  They're not adept at electronic communication, however, in person, they possess class.  You have to pick your battles with some people. 

Give this guy a chance.  Also, whenever you see him in person, take the time get to know him, ask what his preferences are regarding communication and correspondence.  You have to learn to adapt or find a man who better suits your needs. 

[Alyssa.789]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think you're the one with the poor communication skills -not close enough to talk in person or over the phone? What's the point of texting - don't you want to get to know someone over a period of time like unwrapping layers of a package - as opposed to knowing what his typical order at his favorite fast food place is or what his little sister did today that was sooooo super cute? You talk by phone in the beginning to make a plan, chat a bit, etc.  When my husband and I were dating in 2005 I didn't have or want a phone -I did have messenger and email etc but we spoke by phone nightly if we weren't together -for about a half hour - and we always had plenty to talk about -this is when we were seriously dating.  

I communicate differently by phone ,text, facetime (which I hate) and in person. I think you're focusing way too much on how he texts which has nothing to do with his age or communication skills.  When one of my nieces was 22 she was terrible at texting with me anyway -very short, abrupt -but that was because she was so busy communicating with her two young kids and husband. 22 is an adult.  Communication skills is how he behaves in person and secondarily by phone.  Not what he types in a text.  

This was kind of rude lol. We did talk on the phone a few times before meeting but we already got the small talk out of the way and I feel like one right now would be awkward. I've dated others who I could talk on the phone for hours with but so far this guy and I just don't have that chemistry yet. He's not talkative and I want to see how things play out without rushing things.

[Alyssa.789]

1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

Too soon for a phone cal?  What would you have done in the Olden Days before texting existed?  If you want a conversation with someone, phone them!

I'm wondering if you are being pushy as you do sound it.

Not all guys are good at texting and maybe he's one of them.  

 

 

Wow, what's with all the rude replies? We have talked on the phone before meeting and if he wanted to talk again, he'd say so. Right now we are still in the beginning stages. I don't want to have another conversation with him until I see him in person, and that's why I won't be the one to mention it. As for being pushy... I'm just venting here but I've been very laidback around him lol. Thanks for the assumption though

[Alyssa.789]

22 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

It's been only ONE date and you're already fretting about this? 

Also, keep in mind, some people are terrible texters, perceived as blunt, terse, brief, abrupt, rude and unempathetic.  I've known people like this yet in person, they're so much better, very amiable, genuinely kind and caring types.  They're not adept at electronic communication, however, in person, they possess class.  You have to pick your battles with some people. 

Give this guy a chance.  Also, whenever you see him in person, take the time get to know him, ask what his preferences are regarding communication and correspondence.  You have to learn to adapt or find a man who better suits your needs. 

I guess I'm just used to better communicators who I can open up with and not just receive a cold reply back, but I still want to give him a chance because he has a lot of good qualities too.

What you said in your first paragraph is very helpful and I'm going to have to remind myself of that, thanks! 

[Alyssa.789]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I suppose that's one way of looking at it. But how can you possibly think of him as "future husband and father of your children" if he comes across as disrespectful in your communication with each other? Is this not a turn off? I don't particularly think about things like this. I just don't respond and move on to someone else. 

There are some things that you feel in your gut aren't right. I don't second guess those things. Out of a million things I'd rather be doing, being around someone I don't like for one second is not one of them.

You don't quite know each other yet either so if you want to keep seeing him to satisfy your curiosity or have some fun, why not. But please don't waste your time if you're not having fun in the very least.

Not him specifically haha, it's just my ultimate long-term goal to find that person. He does come across as a bit cold but I've noticed he does that to others too. It's just his personality but he actually has a very kind heart. 

 

Good point, I'm just going to have fun and worry less!

[catfeeder]

8 minutes ago, Alyssa.789 said:

this guy and I just don't have that chemistry

This pretty much tells you all you really need to know.

You CAN overlook this if you want to, but you're learning the down side of doing that. 

It's an eggshell walk that never quite feels like solid ground.

I understand you want to date him again, and I wouldn't fault you for that. Just give yourself a tipping point where, if you don't find simpatico with this guy, you'll walk away instead of pretzeling yourself trying to 'sell' him into becoming who he will never be for you.

You already know what fun chemistry feels like. Recognize it when you see the opposite of that, and, instead of trying to 'fix' that, walk away to go find a FUN guy who's invested and enjoys your mutual fAbuLosity!

Head high, and good luck.

[Alyssa.789]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This pretty much tells you all you really need to know.

You CAN overlook this if you want to, but you're learning the down side of doing that. 

It's an eggshell walk that never quite feels like solid ground.

I understand you want to date him again, and I wouldn't fault you for that. Just give yourself a tipping point where, if you don't find simpatico with this guy, you'll walk away instead of pretzeling yourself trying to 'sell' him into becoming who he will never be for you.

You already know what fun chemistry feels like. Recognize it when you see the opposite of that, and, instead of trying to 'fix' that, walk away to go find a FUN guy who's invested and enjoys your mutual fAbuLosity!

Head high, and good luck.

Thank you for the kind words and the sound advice!! Will definitely keep this in mind:)

[electricorchid]

I've been there before Alyssa. Look into very carefully and ask yourself how many questions does he ask you to get to know you/to make plans/to keep the conversation going. A man whose interested will keep the conversation going no matter what age he is, a man whose insure about you will dry text just to keep you around. I don't buy that BS that some people just have the right to be dry texters. I really don't, showing interest should be clear not confusing. DONT attach yourself too much, it was only one date after all. 

[Alyssa.789]

3 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

I've been there before Alyssa. Look into very carefully and ask yourself how many questions does he ask you to get to know you/to make plans/to keep the conversation going. A man whose interested will keep the conversation going no matter what age he is, a man whose insure about you will dry text just to keep you around. I don't buy that BS that some people just have the right to be dry texters. I really don't, showing interest should be clear not confusing. DONT attach yourself too much, it was only one date after all. 

Thanks for this reminder. These are great tips and I will definitely keep this in mind! 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Alyssa.789 said:

... I actually do really want something long-term and serious with him but I think reminding myself of the situation is just my way of trying to guard my heart, but I don't know how well that will work. 

Ok. Go on the date, have fun but he's not long term material.

As far as dating. Texting is not dating. Building a relationship is not about texting.

Why are you overinvested? It's one date.

Relax. Screen for more appropriate men in the future including men who do not have a built-in exit.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Alyssa.789 said:

I would just prefer he doesn't text at all except to make plans because his short and dry responses put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

This says more about you than it does about him. 

You are over-invested and your expectations are too high considering you have met this guy once. Why does one dry message have the power to influence your whole day? Girl. What is going on inside you that something so insignificant from a guy you hardly know can ruin your whole day? 

I wouldn't say he hasn't developed communication skills. I just think he (like many others) doesn't love to have drawn-out conversations via texting. I'm the same as him, especially with people I hardly know. I don't mind a little chit-chat here and there but I don't like using texting to get to know someone. If, however, you expect this, then this is not your guy. 

Above all, slow down. Dial back your expectations. You come across as quite anxious, and I have to wonder how much that plays into your fairly negative interpretation of this guy and his conduct. Someone a bit hyper-sensitive to any perceived sign of disinterest or rejection.