Attracted to my boss

[Itsybitsy333]

I’m very much attracted to my boss. I’m not married but in a domestic partnership. We have a child together. We don’t have sex anymore and haven’t for months. He stopped taking care of himself and even though that doesn’t bother me as much, he stopped showing any interest in me. I was the stay at home mom for the first four years. He was recently laid off. (Thanks Covid) and I had to find a job ASAP. I found a couple but I went with this job bc the benefits are 100 percent paid for, great pay, great advancement etc. I didn’t meet my boss until the first day of training. When I saw him I thought he was cute but no big deal.  I see cute people everyday. Doesn’t mean I want to bone them. After working with my boss for a bit I’ve realized this man is amazing. He thinks almost identical to how I think. He’s so smart, same political ideology which is something my partner and I have had trouble with since.. well, Trump. He brings up fascinating and thought provoking discussions and now.... this is the worst part. While he’s typing  away at the computer I’m constantly checking out his arm muscles. The size of his hands and his cute face! We have to travel together in a few weeks and I’m so not looking forward to it as I know I’m attracted to him. He’s single. He seems to enjoy being single and I don’t want to do anything that can ruin our lives. But I also can’t help but think that our chemistry is so perfect and what if this was meant to happen. Any advice out there? 

[Lambert]

 Sometimes its takes seeing a different type of person to realize your current partner is not the one for you.  It does happen.  I think if you really aren't into your current guy, the right thing to do is to end it.  And be single. 

Don't be a cheater.  It cheapens your current relationship and the potential for the other one.  Also as he is the father of your child, you have to think about more than just yourself.  You want to be able to co-parent and be amicable with each other. 

You also don't want your child to grow up and find out-- o yeah my mom cheated on my dad.  That's why they broke up.  Regardless of how broken a relationship may be.... cheating becomes the reason and it has far reaching effects.

As for your boss.... Sounds like you have a good job.  And as a single mom you have to protect that.  I would keep it professional.  Let it be... You're relatively new.  He likes the single life.  You don't want to be a notch on his belt.  

If you have a mutual attraction and it's meant to become something, it will develop over time. Let it..... Don't jump into something.

I did have a secret relationship with a former boss while he was my boss.  It was years ago and we were both single.  We kept it secret because it was against corp. policy. 

We ultimately ended it because we both needed our jobs and could not risk getting busted.  (It was in a very special/specific field and not something we could just easily change jobs.) I will never forget one of the things he said... not only was it a main reason we stopped but it was so true. 

If we were discovered, I would be the one that would be ruined.  Guys have different rules than gals.  And as much as it's wrong... it's true. The company would forget his part.  But all of my accomplishments would have been excused away because I slept with my boss.   

Don't poop where you eat.  And don't blow up your life for a crush.  

[Wiseman2]

Look but don't touch. It's that simple.

The real issue is contempt for and loss of attraction to your partner.

The work crush is just a distraction from that.

[melancholy123]

What a great way to lose your job if you try to start something romantic with your boss.  It's not going to work, you will end up unemployed

You need to either work on your relationship with your partner or break up I think the bigger issue here is your relationship with your partner and your boss is a distraction.

[LoreliFinn]

Is your boss married? 

Don't give your boss any signals romantically. If he shows an interest in you at some point, erect boundaries and keep it professional. 

Bad idea to romantically  fantastize about the boss.  Admiring him is ok though. You could lose your job if something inappropriate develops.  You don't need a man to cheapen you and cost you your job.

 

 

[SooSad33]

Okay, so the guy is cute.  Many are. 😉 

BUT not all are your boss.

You need to be there 'professionally'.  That's it.

So leave it as a 'fantasy' and do NOT cross the lines with this.

 

Simply go to 'work' and focus on that.  then you go home & deal with that.  You need to figure out what it is you want to do re: your home life.  Not happy?  Then get out of it, but never bring another problem into all of that.

 

Don't go making this situation a whole lot worse than it has to be!  You can end up with some deep regrets from a few angles here.

[mical]

Also agree with the above not to be a cheater.

ALL relationships will go through difficult times and that doesn't make it ok to cheat or have an emotional affair.

Your partner lost his job and as a man that is very devastating and would most likely cause depression, feelings of low self-esteem, low worth, and actually can cause men to loose their sex drives as their sex drive is linked to feeling masculine and being able to be a good partner, IMO.

Just try and focus on supporting your partner during his devastating hard time during this crisis and job loss, instead I think it would be better to try and cheer him up, be encouraging, more loving and understanding, supportive.

Once he gets a new and better job, corona ends, the future will get better and brighter.

But fantasizing about another man when you have a partner is wrong.

 

[mical]

7 hours ago, Itsybitsy333 said:

But I also can’t help but think that our chemistry is so perfect and what if this was meant to happen. Any advice out there? 

That's what many feel when they are cheating on their partner....

I don't think it justifies their actions and the pain they cause to another person 😕

 

[MissCanuck]

Take care of the problems at home. You will blow up your life (and in turn, your child's) if you start getting cozy with another man - espeically your boss. Remain professional at work.

It sounds like this has made you realize that perhaps your relationship has run its course. Sit with yourself and really reassess whether it needs to end. 

Remember that you don't actually know your boss very well so you have him on a pedestal because all you're seeing is what your partner lacks.  He might be a great man but you also have no idea what his flaws are, what he is like as a partner, if perhaps he's dating someone (even if you believe he's single, that doesn't mean there isn't already a woman on his radar) He's a fantasy right now, and that's where it should stop. 

[LaHermes]

8 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

You need to either work on your relationship with your partner or break up I think the bigger issue here is your relationship with your partner and your boss is a distraction.

Precisely. That's the bottom line. 

[Andrina]

When you're lacking an emotional connection with a partner, it's easy to fall into an emotional affair. Often it is someone at work, since those are the people you encounter daily. But yeah, it's ethically wrong and a poor decision for your own well being.

For the sake of your child, why not pull out all the stops and see if this partnership can be revived? Communicate what you need from him. Be a team player and help him polish his resume, etc., so he can regain his self respect, which will boost his mood if he gets another job. Go for walks with him and your child for exercise, and to spend time enjoying the outdoors and for chatting.

To build up to sex again, maybe start with exchanging foot and back rubs. Hold his hand while sitting on the couch. Sometimes the best way to change another's behavior is to change your own.

If after trying, you find your love is dead and you split up, it'll be time to concentrate on getting your child used to a new life with Dad no longer living there. Don't try to date until everybody fully adjusts to this new dynamic. Not only is that in your child's best interest, but yours, too.

You can put boundaries on yourself at work. Stop sneaking glances at him. Stop fantasizing about him. Keep discussions about work and don't discuss your personal life with him. Don't go to coffee and lunch with him. Date outside of work. You do have power over your own mind. Good luck.

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, Itsybitsy333 said:

But I also can’t help but think that our chemistry is so perfect and what if this was meant to happen.

So.... what? What are you asking here? What if this was "meant to happen" and you don't do it? Who means for you to do it? God? Destiny? Do you think you'll be struck by lightening for not doing something you were "meant" to do? Please explain.

[LaHermes]

12 hours ago, Itsybitsy333 said:

While he’s typing  away at the computer I’m constantly checking out his arm muscles. The size of his hands and his cute face! We have to travel together in a few weeks and I’m so not looking forward to it as I know I’m attracted to him.

You've got it bad, OP lol.   If you must go on this trip in a few weeks, then you need to get a tight grip on yourself.  Take the good advice you are getting here.  And besides, what makes you think he has the same infatuation with you? 

So keep looking at those muscles, and the rest, if you must, but don't cross that point of no return.

 

[smackie9]

Being deprived makes things on the menu look good. Cheating, fantasizing is not your answer. Having a few serious conversations with your BF is what you need to do. If he is suffering from depression, which is what it's looking like, get him help. If you want to end things then just do it. Just have shared custody. You can only ignore the troubles at home for so long.

[Spawn]

focus and priority should be your boat that is your family, you, your child, your partner, everything else is a useless distraction. There could be many reasons he is behaving like that. Address the issue directly with your BF else the same keeps lingering into all walks of your life, present and future.

take care

[lostandhurt]

We see this all the time on here.

  Someone is in a relationship and it is not going well but then they meet someone and all of a sudden the relationship is horrible.  Explaining that your current relationship is not going well does not give you a pass to mess around with your boss but it does tell us you need to address what you have right now before you start anything new with anyone.  

  Do you want to break up or try and fix the relationship with your child's father?

  You need this job way more than you need to fool around with some guy, boss or not.

Lost

[spunkmire]

Do you want the truth or what you want to hear?