Do I kick him out or try and work it out?

[Jen1982]

This is along one but I'm so confused and need some advice. I met my boyfriend 7 years ago and after a brief fling I fell pregnant with my now 5 years old boy. He was not happy and left, moved across the country and didn't contact me until my son was 3. We immediately started dating again and after a few months he was living with me and our child. I have always openly said I want more children but he has always been adamant he wants no more. I was not on birth control and he was aware of this and low and behold 2 years later I fell pregnant again. I was petrified to tell him and he reacted as expected saying he was leaving again. This was now 4 months ago, he's still here as he says he can't afford to move yet. He reminds me everyday he's still going, we aren't intimate and he sleeps in the spare room.

I 100 percent believe he's going to go but I just don't understand how he can want to leave so suddenly when things have always been great between us. And more importantly how he can break a family up when he is now such an important part in our sons life. He is obviously blaming me that I did this on purpose he has played no part in this etc even though I was always open about being on no contraception. Is he just scared? Did he never care? Or is he one of these selfish people you hear about? I just feel so helpless in the situation and am unsure whether to try and work it out or just move on. I should probably also state he is not a good talker. I can not speak about my feelings etc as I just immediately get shut down or made to feel in the wrong. 

[Kwothe28]

12 minutes ago, Jen1982 said:

He was not happy and left, moved across the country and didn't contact me until my son was 3.

What does that tell you? 

He is a "deadbeat dad". When a kid comes into your life you should be ready to take responsability. He wasnt the first time and as things stand he isnt the second time. He wasnt there for the first one when you were needed him the most and his reaction to second one could tell you he would not stick around and just waits for a convenient time to take off. Which begs a question why did you took him back in the first place and why dont you kick him out when he shows no desire to stay aside of convinience.

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Jen1982 said:

 He was not happy and left, moved across the country and didn't contact me until my son was 3.  low and behold 2 years later I fell pregnant again. as expected saying he was leaving again.

He can run but he can't hide. While he's there get all his info social security number, drivers license number, employers, addresses. etc. Don't ask, just go through his wallet.

You must file for court ordered child support on behalf of your children it's their right and your responsibility as their parent. 

He's a dog, you know this, but that does not excuse him from providing  support for his children.

Let him run to another state, who cares? With appropriate information for the courts, they'll suspend his drivers license, garnish his wages and bar him from leaving the country.

You need to stand for your kids, not this lousy bum.

[Jen1982]

Thankyou for your advice! I think I already think this myself but just needed a second opinion. I was just starting to question whether this is actually my fault or not, but I genuinely feel like I've done nothing wrong in this scenario. I just can't seem to get my head around it. Thanks again! 

[Pleasedonot5]

Yes, I agree with @Wiseman2. You are probably entitled to child support from him. How you go about getting child support depends on the law of your jurisdiction.

As for kicking him out within a certain time-frame, his tenant rights likely depend on the laws of your jurisdiction. Consult a lawyer for both issues or, if that would be financially difficult, at least look up some law firm blogs online in your state/province/country before taking any action. 

Next time he tries to reconnect or reconcile, do not let him, lest this situation repeat itself a third time. Also, be more cautious before letting those who are not going to stay long-term live around your children. But for you letting someone who previously abandoned you move back in after a couple of months, this situation would not have repeated itself and you would not be wondering whether you should kick him out. 

Another point. He has gotten you pregnant twice. Are you both using protection (e.g., condoms) and doing so properly? Probably not. Talk to your doctor about how to take appropriate steps to prevent pregnancy when it is not the case that both partners want it to happen. This advice may help you avoid situations where you have to raise a child alone in the future. 

--

Last. I recognize the above advice is said with candor, but I am posting for your benefit. You deserve compassion. I am sorry that situation happened and that you are going through this once again. I do not envy your position and hope everything works out for you and your children.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Jen1982 said:

t I just don't understand how he can want to leave so suddenly when things have always been great between us. And more importantly how he can break a family up when he is now such an important part in our sons life. He is obviously blaming me that I did this on purpose he has played no part in this etc even though I was always open about being on no contraception. Is he just scared? Did he never care? Or is he one of these selfish people you hear about? I just feel so helpless in the situation and am unsure whether to try and work it out or just move on.

So great?  Sounds like you two have never really been able to keep it together & successful 😕 .

He came around again.. wanted to get involved again.. BUT stated no interest in anymore kids. ( why were you not on any birth control?).

As for 'breaking a family up'... I can't see this as anything truly 'stable' to begin with.  HE up and left you a few years ago - and is doing it again. ( great track record 😕 ).  

Either way, he has chosen to not show a true interest as it seems with being involved with you.. but he still should be at least paying child support (whether he wants to be in the kids lives.. or not).

 

 

[waffle]

3 hours ago, Jen1982 said:

. . .  am unsure whether to try and work it out or just move on. 

"Working it out" is not an option for you.  This is a man who says every day he's leaving when he gets enough money, and is sleeping separately from you (I assume more his idea than yours).  

Are you financially supporting him?  If so, stop doing that immediately.  If his name is not on the lease then his stuff goes on the front lawn and the locks get changed.

I get that you wanted another child but work on picking a better class of man in the future.

[Lambert]

This man is a piece of garbage.  he likes having sex but doesn't wrap it up or take care of his kids. 

Throw him out and sue for child support. Although I'm sure he'll never pay.... but you as the mother are entitled to that money and depending on where you are, it never expires, even when the kids are adults... but you have to seek it.

[DarkCh0c0]

Honestly, there's nothing to "work on" here. You are a convenience for the man. He gets the woman, the fun, and none of the hard work.

You should've never let this man back in your life. If he really loved you, he would've supported you regardless of the baby- specially during tough times (when you were in labor, financial/emotional support, and the list goes on).

Don't allow your emotions and his manipulation to do you bad like this or use you. Cut the cycle and leave all his stuff on the porch. You owe him nothing. But him, the least he owes you legal support.

As @Wiseman2 advised, get all the details you need before he leaves- yes for the kids. Even if you don't need it.

[mical]

Regardless of whether or not you will be together, he will be in your life no matter what as you have a child and will be having a child together.

The best is to try and keep things as civil as possible. No kicking out on the street out of spite or anger.

Just be as civil and peaceful as possible. Avoid any arguments and confrontations. Just keep things calm, peaceful, if he wants to leave, but best in that case to end things amicably.

In the meantime can gather the needed info as mentioned above from wiseman.

 

 

[Jibralta]

15 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

He is a "deadbeat dad".

Yep. Just because he deigned to visit you and have sex with you doesn't change this basic truth. And now he's sponging off of you as he prepares to leave you in the lurch once again.