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Everything was quick, hot, and heavy in the beginning. Physical touch is her love language.


pankobread789
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Here's some background information:

  • I (31 year old male) met my  girlfriend (34 year old female) through a dating app back in the beginning of May. We started off strong and had so much in common we couldn't believe we met each other on a dating app. We thought we were soulmates. Things also got hot and heavy through our messages about what we'd do to each other on our first date, etc. When the day of our first date came, before we went on our first date she asked me up to her apartment. We ended up having sex and then went to dinner. Things progressed so fast that I ended up asking her to be my girlfriend 3 days after the first date. She agreed and ever since we started dating, I've only been back to my apartment twice. All other days were spent at her apartment. I was basically living with her. Before I met her I was in the process of buying a house and was about to close on it. Long story short the builders didn't want to fix issues I had with the house and they agreed to give my earnest money back. I had already terminated my apartment lease and my girlfriend offered to live with her. So after a month of dating, I moved in with her.

Since May, we have had 3 talks about issues that she's been dealing with. It was an issue about intimacy and affection. She told me she doesn't feel desired or wanted like how she felt in the first two weeks of us dating. There are also issues where she would want to touch me but I would push her away. She said that made her feel rejected. I agree that my intimacy and affection waned after the first two weeks but I felt like I was getting too comfortable. There were times where she would want to touch me while we're watching TV but I was more interested in what's going on on the TV. There were also times where she would want to initiate sex in bed but I was tired or I just wasn't feeling sexy (this might be TMI but sometimes during the day I poop and when I get home she wants sex. I've had experiences before where I am unclean and have left skid marks on the bed or smelled gross stuff). I know I should have communicated these things to her and for the poop thing I could have just told her to let me freshen up first. 

Let me clarify that I didn't treat her bad or anything. Aside from the intimacy/affection stuff, I still joked around with her, we would watch movies together, hang out with my friends, go shopping together. Her love language is physical touch (as is mine) and she places huge importance on being intimate.

Over the course of her bringing up these issues 3 times and me not realizing I haven't changed, she's become emotionally numb. She told me she re-wired her brain to make herself be okay with no intimacy and in the process she's not attracted to me anymore. She told me a long time ago her parents made her feel unwanted and rejected and I think that experience has had a huge affect on her when it came to me rejecting her attempts to initiate intimacy. I understand what I have done and I hate myself for not fixing this sooner. It's been almost a month now and she's still emotionally numb and doesn't know what she wants. She tells me half of her is just emotionally tired and done with everything but the other half still wants this to work. She told me she doesn't feel love for anything. She doesn't feel love for me, her friends, or her family.

During this past month I went to live with a friend for a week to give her space. She eventually said that I could come back because I pay for half of the rent and she feels the least she can do is let me stay with her but she also feels bad for my friend who's letting me stay with him. She said if she needs space she can just go to the bedroom to watch TV while I watch in the living room.

We still sleep in the same bed but there's no intimacy. Even though we're in close proximity to each other I feel miles away from her. The apartment feels emptier than my friend's house when he was out of the house and I was alone. I made the mistake of overthinking too much during my time back with her. I would give her space and there are days we wouldn't really even talk and I just felt like we were growing apart. So in my head due to my own insecurities I would ask her questions pressuring her to give me answers. I know this was wrong on my part because I'm supposed to give her space but I'm just so scared of losing her. She doesn't know how long she'll be in the rut for. She told me it took her years after her breakup from her ex to be happy again.

We got into an argument last night and this morning she told me she can't do this anymore and she thinks we need our own space. I stupidly took this as her wanting to break up which made things worse. This is what she told me verbatim. "Honestly I feel like things were fixable until I dived deeper and figured out what the true issue was. It wasn't the lack of sex. It was the connection that was the issue. I couldn't touch you. I couldn't express my love to you. Then what? I couldn't do anything. I'm basically a dead log along for a ride. I thought sex was the issue but it's far from that. And trust me. I know you're genuinely sorry about it. But that doesn't change the fact that it happened."

I know what I need to change about myself to make this relationship how it was the first two weeks because I'm still that same person. I want to become a better communicator, a better lover, and a better boyfriend. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me. She tells me she still loves me but she's not in-love with me. I've told her if she would just give me a chance to show her that I can be that person that things would work out. But each time she tells me she's not closed off to trying but she's just so emotionally tired and numb that she doesn't know if she wants this anymore.

I feel like things have gotten so bad that the end is now in sight. I know that I have ***ed up royally. I'm not sure what I can do besides give her space and time. I'm not even sure why I'm on here or what I'm expecting. Maybe I'm just venting and hoping for advice that could help. I don't know. I feel like I could've written this better but my mind is a mess and everything just poured out.

 

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57 minutes ago, davidr7952 said:

So after a month of dating, I moved in with her.

There were times where she would want to touch me while we're watching TV but I was more interested in what's going on on the TV.

During this past month I went to live with a friend for a week to give her space. she told me she can't do this anymore and she thinks we need our own space.

Way too much too soon. You're not compatible and you have insight into your complacency, lack of personal hygiene.

At this point you're a hobosexual (google it).

You need your own place, not a story about builders and leases to lure women into housing you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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You attempted an insta-relationship and playing house mostly based on sexual attraction.  Those sorts of approaches have a much higher risk of not working out and crashing and burning than getting to know someone at a reasonable pace over time.  All of this drama is wayyy too soon for such a new relationship.  I’m sorry you’re so upset !

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I can't get past you actually got into bed with her with poo on your body and you didn't think she (or anyone, for that matter) would be repulsed. 

And that after only two weeks you got comfortable and complacent. Two weeks!

You don't seem like you're at all ready to be in a relationship.  When you don't practice basic hygiene and you'd rather watch TV than share a close moment with your partner...well, you seem like you'd be better off staying single for now. Nothing wrong with that, btw.

Also, I'm curious why you wanted to move in so quickly.  Did you expect her to take care of you or something? 

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16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Way too much too soon. You're not compatible and you have insight into your complacency, lack of personal hygiene.

At this point you're a hobosexual (google it).

You need your own place, not a story about builders and leases to lure women into housing you.

I agree that it was way too much too soon. I thought it was weird how fast things were progressing. Sometimes sex gets dirty and not all public places have wet wipes. A dry piece of toilet paper can only do so much.

I didn't get into a relationship to avoid being homeless. We both had our own apartments when we got into a relationship and when the house fell through, I had already signed a contract and paid an early termination fee for my apartment. The house fell through a few days before closing.

I think having my own place would definitely help. 

 

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20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You attempted an insta-relationship and playing house mostly based on sexual attraction.  Those sorts of approaches have a much higher risk of not working out and crashing and burning than getting to know someone at a reasonable pace over time.  All of this drama is wayyy too soon for such a new relationship.  I’m sorry you’re so upset !

I knew it was too good to be true. This was the first time a situation like this happened to me. I guess it was just new and exciting. Lesson learned.

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7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I can't get past you actually got into bed with her with poo on your body and you didn't think she (or anyone, for that matter) would be repulsed. 

And that after only two weeks you got comfortable and complacent. Two weeks!

You don't seem like you're at all ready to be in a relationship.  When you don't practice basic hygiene and you'd rather watch TV than share a close moment with your partner...well, you seem like you'd be better off staying single for now. Nothing wrong with that, btw.

Also, I'm curious why you wanted to move in so quickly.  Did you expect her to take care of you or something? 

The poo story was from a one night stand years ago. I showered before our date and when we got back to my apartment we started getting into it. I think I may have eaten something because usually I'm in control of my bowels.

I thought I was ready for a relationship but I'm thinking maybe I am not.

I decided to move in with her because we were getting along really well and she offered. I could afford my own place but I was already practically living at her place and going back to mine when I needed clothes. Everything seemed like it would work out but oh what a mistake that was.

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Be honest with yourself - moving in with a stranger you barely know was entirely impulsive and nothing to do with circumstance or, "it made sense because of bs".

There should be zero surprise that something so impulsive is now blowing up in your face. There was literally nothing sane about either of your or her actions.

It may be wise to step back and reflect on why you were so vulnerable to act out so impulsively and why that seemed so right for you.

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3 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Be honest with yourself - moving in with a stranger you barely know was entirely impulsive and nothing to do with circumstance or, "it made sense because of bs".

There should be zero surprise that something so impulsive is now blowing up in your face. There was literally nothing sane about either of your or her actions.

It may be wise to step back and reflect on why you were so vulnerable to act out so impulsively and why that seemed so right for you.

It definitely was impulsive. I do remember asking myself if it was too fast. I thought about my two friends who met at a house party years ago. She moved in with him only after a week of knowing each other. They've been together for 6 years now. At the time I thought to myself if it worked for them it could work for me but it didn't and I shouldn't be surprised.

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First of all.. do not be so hard on yourself!

Second, I am not sure she was all that 'happy' to begin with, before she met you 😕 ... And she should not be depending on YOU to 'make her happy'.

Yeah, I'd say you two moved things on wayyyy too fast!  You just met/ got involved and moved in together.. Way too much.

This was the 'honeymoon stage' - is always soo great! ( for a while).

You say you love her.. No.  Love develops over time as the relationship gets deeper.. BUT, you two never got going properly.

Now, it's just become too much for her.... you two are not working out. She doesn't sound ready for all of that either.

Let this be a lesson to NOT move right in with someone you've just met.

 

Things need time to progress and then see IF you are truly compatible.

So, respectfully leave her be now... and go back to your buddy's place.

Work on accepting this did not work out well.. and give yourself some time to accept & move on.

Be kind to yourself, you did not do wrong.  Is just a learning experience.

 

 

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When you really care about a person, when they ask for something reasonable, you want to please them. I think you're fooling yourself that you care in the way one should for a longterm partner. Otherwise, you wouldn't have ignored her requests.

In the future, I'm sure you'll be more aware that relationships are like houseplants. If you don't care for them, they'll die. It's no wonder her feelings have died. 

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2 hours ago, davidr7952 said:

this might be TMI but sometimes during the day I poop and when I get home she wants sex...for the poop thing I could have just told her to let me freshen up first. 

 

46 minutes ago, davidr7952 said:

The poo story was from a one night stand years ago.

That's completely different from what you wrote in your OP. A shower before bed would solve that.

Regardless, I still think you aren't ready for a relationship.  And again, that is fine. You can start dating when you are truly ready to.

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

 

That's completely different from what you wrote in your OP. A shower before bed would solve that.

Regardless, I still think you aren't ready for a relationship.  And again, that is fine. You can start dating when you are truly ready to.

Correct. The skid mark story from the ONS has me scared of being intimate without showering first. But sometimes she would want to have sex when I get home from work, hence me saying I could've communicated with her that I go freshen up first in the bathroom.

Thank you. I agree I don't think I am ready yet.

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25 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

First of all.. do not be so hard on yourself!

Second, I am not sure she was all that 'happy' to begin with, before she met you 😕 ... And she should not be depending on YOU to 'make her happy'.

Yeah, I'd say you two moved things on wayyyy too fast!  You just met/ got involved and moved in together.. Way too much.

This was the 'honeymoon stage' - is always soo great! ( for a while).

You say you love her.. No.  Love develops over time as the relationship gets deeper.. BUT, you two never got going properly.

Now, it's just become too much for her.... you two are not working out. She doesn't sound ready for all of that either.

Let this be a lesson to NOT move right in with someone you've just met.

 

Things need time to progress and then see IF you are truly compatible.

So, respectfully leave her be now... and go back to your buddy's place.

Work on accepting this did not work out well.. and give yourself some time to accept & move on.

Be kind to yourself, you did not do wrong.  Is just a learning experience.

 

 

I agree. Lesson has definitely been learned and have accepted things as they are. I've already started the process of looking for another apartment.

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19 minutes ago, Andrina said:

When you really care about a person, when they ask for something reasonable, you want to please them. I think you're fooling yourself that you care in the way one should for a longterm partner. Otherwise, you wouldn't have ignored her requests.

In the future, I'm sure you'll be more aware that relationships are like houseplants. If you don't care for them, they'll die. It's no wonder her feelings have died. 

I'm just an idiot. I will be aware in the future for my next relationship. I like your analogy. 

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4 minutes ago, davidr7952 said:

I'm just an idiot. I will be aware in the future for my next relationship. I like your analogy. 

you're not an idiot.

Anyone can jump in too fast.  It's fun and hot and heavy.... but that's where experience comes in. Now you know. 

Focus on getting your own place. You moved in quick, move out quick.  Wish her well and lesson learned. 

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2 hours ago, davidr7952 said:

I knew it was too good to be true. This was the first time a situation like this happened to me. I guess it was just new and exciting. Lesson learned.

It wasn't too good to be true because "it" was an interaction with a near stranger and moving at the speed of light and pretending that touch was a "love language" to rationalize why it was ok to move that quickly.  Nothing to do with love -you were infatuated with an image you had of this new person and prioritized sex over getting to know her.  Of course sex can be part of getting to know another person over a period of time - months I mean - but labeling your decision to act on sexual attraction as acting in accord with her "love language" is just kinda silly.  So the "it" that was good was sex with a person you were infatuated with and didn't know.  That has little relevance to building a potentially serious relationship.

Please don't beat yourself up -that's inconsistent with making different choices next time.

Edited by Batya33
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You both moved in based on passion but didnt build anything else. After she took away that component, there was nothing left. From what its worth, I also believe that you beat yourself too hard over her. Those things you described happen in a relationship. Her expecting it to always be like first two weeks is not realistic standard to have and it was bound to get you were you are now. Both sides need to feel loved. However, you rejecting her once or twice for sex shouldnt be a trigger for "he doesnt love me". But that is some deeper issue. You also didnt managed to "swim" in all that and maybe fix it, but I think you guys were doomed either way. Especially with both rushing that much. For example if you were just dating, passion would be just in certain moments were you both would probably be up for it. 

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