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Why do i keep letting him in?


Shaz48
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Ive posted before about my ex who just wont go away, after the last problem when i wasnt sure to give him another chance or not, we have spoken again and i told him that i have made up my mind and we wont be getting back together but as we need to be around eachother in our social group that we are in we decided to work on being "ok" with each other as every time we speak alone he seems nice and we end up thrashing things out and even having a laugh so even after all that he has done to me i decided that we can move forward this way.  However the next day he was told i had lunch with a friend of mine, a friend that he happens not to like as she did post some nasty things about him on social media, and he text me to ask me if i was playing him as he was told i had lunch with her.  i said i dont need to tell you who i have lunch with and ive done nothing wrong.  He said the i should have told him and if i told him that i didnt agree with what she done why would i go to lunch with her?  I said you can be friends with someone but not always agree with them.  He wouldnt tell me who told him about this, but he got really annoyed to the point where he was telling me to choose better friends, she will *** me over when she is bored of me, she is jealous and i am letting a spinster ruin my life.  I said he has ruined my life and he is the one who has ***ed me over and it went on.  I told him that he has yet again hurt me the minute i lower my guard and he was saying that i am the one being nasty to him.  I am sorry but i still dont see what i have done wrong, just because i had lunch with a friend that he doesnt like.  He also sees people who i dont like but i have no right to say anything and when i tried to explain it i get told "whatever".  Why can i not seem to tell this guy to leave me alone.  i always believe what he tells me when he sees me.  my last communication was saying that i knew he would do this and that he has hurt me again with his flare up after putting some trust into him when we spoke on friday.  He has not contacted me since and i am infuriated as i have things i want to say as i am angry.  However i know when he sees me again he will spin my some story and tell me he loves me etc.  I honestly do not understand why he is doing this to me and why i cannot cut him off.  Any suggestions as to how i can finally tell him that ive had enough of this bearing in mind i will  have to see him from time to time.  i thought i was trying to do the right thing so we can be okay around each other but it looks like that may not be possible doesnt it?

what are your thoughts again please?

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8 minutes ago, Shaz48 said:

i thought i was trying to do the right thing so we can be okay around each other but it looks like that may not be possible doesnt it?

Absolutely not possible, no. 

8 minutes ago, Shaz48 said:

Any suggestions as to how i can finally tell him that ive had enough of this bearing in mind i will  have to see him from time to time.

Block him. Who cares if you have to see him? Don't communicate privately with him. 

9 minutes ago, Shaz48 said:

I honestly do not understand why he is doing this to me and why i cannot cut him off. 

Probably because you have very little self-respect and are still hoping for validation from him. With respect, a good therapist can help you with this. It's not about him - it's about you. When you start to understand why you let yourself be mistreated, you will stop letting it happen. 

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You can cut him off any time you want to, you are choosing not to. Only you know why, if you can be honest enough with yourself about that.

Anyway, stop seeking validation from your abuser. That's like insisting on petting a cobra that keeps biting you and acting all confused on why it keeps biting you because gosh you are just being nice and trying to pet it. It's a snake! Likewise, an abuser is an abuser. If you keep talking to him, he will continue to abuse you, gaslight you, and manipulate you. At some point it really comes down to finding some basic sense of survival and quitting the toxic behavior on your end.

You have so much to say to him? Sit down and start writing it all out, everything he's done, every way he hurt you, upset you, etc. Maybe once it all starts pouring out and you see it all in writing in front of your eyes, it will finally sink in for you just how horrible he is and how much you need to stay away. Don't give it to him or send it or anything such. This is strictly an exercise for you.

Lose the silly idea that if you just talk to him, show him, point out his hypocrisy, that he'll suddenly open his eyes and become a good person. OP, it's not that he doesn't know what he is doing, it's that he likes it. Your pleas and arguments amuse him at your expense. Make him feel powerful. 

Stop with the excuses about why you need to keep talking to him. You don't. If you want to get away, then start making new friends. If you must run into him occasionally, be civil as in nod head and turn away to talk to other people. You literally have no reason to continue to engage with him other than you are choosing to because you want to for whatever reason. When you finally decide you are done, you will be done for real.

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I would ask HER why she did such thing... I don't feel making posts about people in necessary.

As for him, I suggest IGNORE and AVOID.  Do not deal with him unless you really have to... He will keep at you as long as YOU allow it.

So, avoid him.  You don't owe him any explanation. Vice versa.

As long as they both learn to respect YOU here, all should calm down.. But, I do not agree on trying to be 'friends' with an ex a success.

 

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2 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

Ive posted before about my ex who just wont go away, after the last problem when i wasnt sure to give him another chance or not, we have spoken again and i told him that i have made up my mind and we wont be getting back together but as we need to be around eachother in our social group that we are in we decided to work on being "ok" with each other as every time we speak alone he seems nice and we end up thrashing things out and even having a laugh so even after all that he has done to me i decided that we can move forward this way.  However the next day he was told i had lunch with a friend of mine, a friend that he happens not to like as she did post some nasty things about him on social media, and he text me to ask me if i was playing him as he was told i had lunch with her.  i said i dont need to tell you who i have lunch with and ive done nothing wrong.  He said the i should have told him and if i told him that i didnt agree with what she done why would i go to lunch with her?  I said you can be friends with someone but not always agree with them.  He wouldnt tell me who told him about this, but he got really annoyed to the point where he was telling me to choose better friends, she will *** me over when she is bored of me, she is jealous and i am letting a spinster ruin my life.  I said he has ruined my life and he is the one who has ***ed me over and it went on.  I told him that he has yet again hurt me the minute i lower my guard and he was saying that i am the one being nasty to him.  I am sorry but i still dont see what i have done wrong, just because i had lunch with a friend that he doesnt like.  He also sees people who i dont like but i have no right to say anything and when i tried to explain it i get told "whatever".  Why can i not seem to tell this guy to leave me alone.  i always believe what he tells me when he sees me.  my last communication was saying that i knew he would do this and that he has hurt me again with his flare up after putting some trust into him when we spoke on friday.  He has not contacted me since and i am infuriated as i have things i want to say as i am angry.  However i know when he sees me again he will spin my some story and tell me he loves me etc.  I honestly do not understand why he is doing this to me and why i cannot cut him off.  Any suggestions as to how i can finally tell him that ive had enough of this bearing in mind i will  have to see him from time to time.  i thought i was trying to do the right thing so we can be okay around each other but it looks like that may not be possible doesnt it?

what are your thoughts again please?

You don't have to answer him at all. Simply let the calls go unanswered and ignore/mute the messages. He has no control over you and has to learn to keep his mouth shut when it comes to your personal business or friends you choose. 

The more you practice your own autonomy and exercise your own discretion without having to justify your choices to anyone, the less and less white noise like this matters. He is squawking away but you do not have to pay any attention to it. Keep it civil as you have a shared social group but never give any attention comments like that. 

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2 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

 Any suggestions as to how i can finally tell him that ive had enough of this

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. He's a snake, you know this, so you need to avoid him and simply be cordial if you run into him.

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Let me put this another way.

If you were robbed, would you go running after your robber demanding that he apologizes and gives you a hug to make you feel better? Of course not. It would be completely absurd. Why? Because you KNOW that the robber meant to rob you and is not sorry about it.

For comfort, you'd turn to family, friends, police, etc. Basically, everyone other than the person who harmed you.

So why can't you understand that same thing about abusers? Someone who is abusing you isn't confused and is not sorry. They mean to do what they do. They mean to hurt you and harm you. Why do you insist on running after an abuser demanding that they comfort you and feel bad about being nasty toward you? It's just as absurd as asking a robber to comfort you about the robbery. They both mean to harm you and they don't care how that affects you.

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You didn't work as a couple. You don't work as friends. As neither of these things, he should no longer have access to your phone number. Delete it. Block him.

You might think your group of friends will always be there, operating as is, forever. But people move away or drift to new friends or couple up and no longer have time for regular group outings. Is there a reason you can't get make plans with one or two of them without always being a part of a larger group where he'll be there? Things are bound to change anyway, so why not start some evolving now?

If you do encounter him in a group, sure, say a brief hello. Stop the one-on-one talks. Concentrate on other people in the group. That's the next step to see him as being somebody who is there, but doesn't mean anything to you, is doable. If that doesn't work, then you should consider no more group activities where he's there.

You went back and forth in a long toxic conversation whereas you could always walk away, hang up the phone, block. You chose to engage in that nonsense. Learn to have a spine. If you're not in charge of your life, you're choosing to be a doormat to lowlifes who will wipe their muddy boots all over you.

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6 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

He has not contacted me since and i am infuriated as i have things i want to say as i am angry. 

No. You need to understand that you have nothing to talk with that person. He verbally abuses you. Nothing you say will have effect on that. You want sincere apology from him because he tried to dictate who you could hang around even though you arent even together? You do realize how insane what he did is? You know what will happen? He will tell you how he "loves you" and then few days later will tell you how you are smelly. Its a cycle of abuse where you will get nothing positive. You need to stop contact. Say "Hi" when you are in same company but dont engage in conversation with him at all. Because that cycle of abuse stops when you realize some things and cut him from your life. He wont do that for you, he enjoys it, you are the one who needs to do it.

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