Girlfriend has become Cold and Less Loving after a Great Start

[John123456789]

I am a 30-year-old male who has been dating a 23-year-old female for the last seven months. We met on Tinder and hit it off, having sex many times on the first date. 

The relationship was terrific for the first six months with lots of sex, and she fell in love with me and me to the point we would talk about marriage and kids in the future. 

Unfortunately, I tried hard to plan things for her and pursue her when I already had her because I thought it would make her happy. This cumulated at the six-month anniversary where I gave her flowers, arranged a scavenger hunt which I spent a lot of time preparing, and gave her matching rings which we had talked about before. The week after, I took her to a Formula One race. 

After this week, suddenly, she started acting cold. I went to her house, and she was upset, saying she was confused and didn’t know if she wanted to be with me anymore and was feeling claustrophobic. I was upset and cried in front of her as the woman of my dreams, in a few days, had decided she no longer wanted to be with me. 

Things were much more distant and cold, but we did have sex twice, once when I felt she was more doing it out of routine and pity, and she did not enjoy it as she used to. We had planned to spend that week together as we were on leave from work, and I had planned a trip away to an Airbnb. 

She was acting ***y and short with me, which was very unusual, and I asked her if she wanted some time apart; however, she said we should go on the trip away as I had already paid for it. We went away, which was OK but not as romantic as I thought, and I went home for a few days before coming back to her house. 

She made an effort when I returned, and we had sex, but she was ***y and cold again the day after. We met up again a week later with the same result; however, she now revealed to me also that she was wondering if she needed to explore her sexuality more as she is bisexual. She had told me this before but had been adamant that she wanted to date a man long-term. 

She is still cold towards me but loves texting me constantly and has asked if we break up if we could stay friends but has agreed to see how things go.

We have some plans for this month, including going to a ballet I had planned for her and going to her best friend’s wedding, and after that, things are vague. Please help! I have canceled any plans I had made for her but am still crazy in love with her.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, John123456789 said:

I went to her house, and she was upset, saying she was confused and didn’t know if she wanted to be with me anymore and was feeling claustrophobic. she now revealed to me also that she was wondering if she needed to explore her sexuality more as she is bisexual. She had told me this before

Sorry this happened sounds like she's too young and needs more freedom to enjoy her youth and explore rather than get this locked in with way too much way too soon.

 Just step back. She forewarned you about her sexuality, so it's possible she met a woman to explore that.

[Batya33]

Sometimes after 6 months it's the make or break stage.  23 is not too young -I was engaged at that age (although didn't get married -nothing to do with age though) -my friend's daughter is 25 and is married with kids.  I think it happens in relationships.  Also sounds like you were doing too much maybe to pursue her -being a bit overwhelming maybe? Did she plan equally as you did?

I'm sorry you're feeling upset and frustrated.

[MissCanuck]

I think she is done with this relationship, unfortunately. 

It sounds as though you are ready to settle down and make a life with a partner, and she is just not there yet. Most in their early 20s aren't. My sense is that the matching rings are what made her realize this, and she's been backing away ever since. 

You appear to be a kind man, but I have to ask - did she reciprcoate your gestures and interest? Or was it mostly you taking initiative there? 

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, John123456789 said:

She is still cold towards me but loves texting me constantly and has asked if we break up if we could stay friends but has agreed to see how things go.

 

She has agreed because you take her to stuff and needs you to take her to best friends wedding. Other then that she is already at the door. Probably even met some girl already

You are still hoping for things to change. That wont happen as she has already reached the decision, just waiting for the right moment. Hence why "can we be friends" speech and such. Efforts about the relationship cant be one-sided. Here they are like that. You taking her to stuff wont change that. She doesnt appreciate that as far as relationship goes. She just wants out. So, as much as it hurts, give her that out. That means canceling everything including ballet and wedding. And next time try to find somebody who will reciprocitate your efforts and appreciate what you are doing for her.

[smackie9]

I agree the honeymoon stage has run it's course. During that stage people do and say things like marriage, etc, but those are not to be taken as promises. It's just talk in the euphoric moment. Things have gotten a little too serious too fast and now she's dealing with doubt. She just isn't into that future anymore. She probably wants to do more with her life before she settles down.

Hey it happens. People get a little too excited in the beginning, go into over load, and crash. I say give her some space, back the hell off. And if you do breakup, do not be her friend. Make it as clean as possible. If you don't there will be more months of ups and a lot of downs, and a more torturous ending.

[John123456789]

thank you so much everyone. She made an effort for me as in dressing up and sending me photos of her and saying how much she loved and missed me. However for the 6 month anniversary and valentines day as well i had planned everything. She did take me on a couple of things such as strawberry picking. I have obviously run it past my friends but I just really needed to hear from some people that the relationship is over. It's just been such a shock for me because i feel like suddenly this girl who wanted to be with me forever now wants to be single it's very hurtful and I really believe I am a kind man who would look after her so well and i was a great boyfriend to her- she even said it herself and got upset at the thought of breaking up and was saying 'what can i say if we break up other than my boyfriend loved me and I'm being a ***'. i will truely deeply miss her though it may be unhealthy to say but the first 6 months togehter were honestly the best of my life I've never had a woman so into me and me be so into her. In my previous relationship I was actually similar to her being in the same boat feeling after a few years that I actually needed to explore before I settled down and when she first told me about her confusion I worried it was the same as I felt and I think it is. I was just hoping if I gave her a few weeks she might settle back down and love me again but unfortunately things have just gotten worse if anything. Next time I will not persue so much and allow for a more balanced relationship i just hope I can find someone who made me as happy as she did.

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, John123456789 said:

i feel like suddenly this girl who wanted to be with me forever now wants to be single

The thing is that for many people, especially young people, 6 or 7 months is too soon to declare that you want to be together forever. It's nice to hear that, of course, but we usually need more time to actually, realistically evaluate long-term compatibility. 

You also need to keep in mind that you can be an amazing boyfriend and a good catch, but if the other person just isn't ready for it or doesn't quite feel the way you do, it won't work. People need to be open to receiving that sort of love from you, too.

In this girl's case, a couple of weeks isn't going to get the desire to explore out of her system. It's probably going to be more like a few years yet. 

[John123456789]

Thank you. i have to admit I hope if I say to her I don't think things are working and that she needs to be single as she has asked for that she will decide to come back to me after a few months of realising that I am a great guy

[John123456789]

I also can't stop thinking that if I had simply bought her flowers or not even done anything for the 6 month anniversary and had not taken her out to so many things that she might still be happy with me as it would be more 'casual' still

[John123456789]

I wasn't in a massive rush to get married and had kids but it was actually her who was spurring it on and i ran with it also. I have too many thoughts on it and can't stop thinking about it

[MissCanuck]

Just now, John123456789 said:

she will decide to come back to me after a few months of realising that I am a great guy

It's human to hope that. Most reluctant dumpees/dumpers hope that their exes return. 

She might be back. She might not. It is important not to pin too many hopes on it, in any case. It will keep you stuck for something that is too uncertain and may never come to fruition. 

[John123456789]

thank you you've been so supportive I just really appreicate being listened to and having advice from someone separate to the situation it means a lot to me

[Lambert]

27 minutes ago, John123456789 said:

I also can't stop thinking that if I had simply bought her flowers or not even done anything for the 6 month anniversary and had not taken her out to so many things that she might still be happy with me as it would be more 'casual' still

Ok..  think about this ... if you can't be yourself and she can't accept love and attention, then you're not compatible.

It's ok... you will meet someone better.  The best thing to do is to care for yourself.

Don't let this drag out... dump her. Don't go to her best friend's wedding. Clean break. tell her you're really sorry but you can't go on like this.  Then go no contact.  

You'll meet someone else. she's not that great. In time you'll see it.  You're just hurting right now.  Which sucks. but respect yourself and your feelings.  Don't allow her to use you or jerk you around....

 

[boltnrun]

Yeah, next time don't go so overboard. It can come across as trying to "buy" love. Even if that wasn't your intention, doing over the top things and buying lots of gifts can make you seem insecure, like you think she won't love you if you don't do all those things. Simple gestures mean a lot more to someone who's heart is sincere.

[John123456789]

I really appreicate all these learning points that people are bringing up so I can be better and hopefully find the right person I'm always willing to make changes and try to improve myself just really wish i could find someone who appreciates me as much as i would appreicate them 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, John123456789 said:

Thank you. i have to admit I hope if I say to her I don't think things are working and that she needs to be single as she has asked for that she will decide to come back to me after a few months of realising that I am a great guy

Your 'hopes' and reality won't even out, I'm thinking.

What you want and what she wants are 2 different things.. She has backed off.. and admitted her different 'preferences' to you.

So, you do have to look at accepting this.

I feel it is best to just face it.  Has only been 6 months.  Be glad it hasn;t been 6 yrs then BOOM.

Yes, take things slower next time... no such talk of 'the future' in the first year at least.

We just never know if/when we may come across someone who is just as into us, as we are to them.

I am sure you will come to meet someone who is compatible with you... but take it easy on yourself!  Never a guarantee with relationships.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, John123456789 said:

She made an effort for me as in dressing up and sending me photos of her and saying how much she loved and missed me.

Sorry that's hardly an effort -sweet words and selfies?  

[John123456789]

Yeah but I think her response was probably more appropriate for the stage of the relationship I think i was going really overboard with things. I do understand that I was probably a bit insecure and thus planned a lot of things to as 'boltnrun' said buy her love even though i already had it I was constantly worried about losing it and that itself I think lead to me losing it. She had to reassure me a couple of times during the relationship that she wanted to be with me especially towards the end I think when i sensed that she was started to pull away a bit and that neediness contributed also to the end of things. Next time I think it's best to be more casual about things. I used to like to plan everything as a 'surprise' like taking her to the theatre or taking her to events which I thought was really romantic by not telling her where we were going but in retrospect this was probably immature and insecure and needy. Not saying it's all my fault but I think my insecurities with that likely have contributed to this now very upsetting end.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, John123456789 said:

Yeah but I think her response was probably more appropriate for the stage of the relationship I think i was going really overboard with things. I do understand that I was probably a bit insecure and thus planned a lot of things to as 'boltnrun' said buy her love even though i already had it I was constantly worried about losing it and that itself I think lead to me losing it. She had to reassure me a couple of times during the relationship that she wanted to be with me especially towards the end I think when i sensed that she was started to pull away a bit and that neediness contributed also to the end of things. Next time I think it's best to be more casual about things. I used to like to plan everything as a 'surprise' like taking her to the theatre or taking her to events which I thought was really romantic by not telling her where we were going but in retrospect this was probably immature and insecure and needy. Not saying it's all my fault but I think my insecurities with that likely have contributed to this now very upsetting end.

Asking for reassurance like that on any regular basis can be annoying and a huge turn off so my sense is after the honeymoon phase your need for reassurance and subjecting her to that need became more overwhelming.  It's very generous and giving to plan lovely dates. It's self-absorbed to ask for reassurance because you're insecure about the other person's feelings about you.

[John123456789]

Absolutely it's something I need to work on. It only happened on 2 occasions where I felt the need for reassurance but I know this was not good on my part

[John123456789]

especially as the older more confident and more stable man in the relationship for her I think this probably was a big turn off and I knew that at the time I just thought we had built up a big base for us to accept that each other may display weaknesses from time to time but still love and support each other

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, John123456789 said:

We met on Tinder she needed to explore her sexuality more as she is bisexual. She had told me this before

Actually none of this sounds like 'off to a great start' except you had lots of sex. In fact a lot of red flags, if anything.

It's ok to idealize and romanticize the halcyon days of the first 6 mos., but you sensed you were crowding and overwhelming her and yet, did it even more so.

This wasn't your first nor will it be your last relationship. Just pace yourself and don't talk marriage, rings, kids, etc. within dating a few months. Try not to sweep them off their feet because it will eventually backfire.

[Kwothe28]

45 minutes ago, John123456789 said:

I also can't stop thinking that if I had simply bought her flowers or not even done anything for the 6 month anniversary and had not taken her out to so many things that she might still be happy with me as it would be more 'casual' still

People dwell on this too much. The answer is "maybe". Some people are not romantics so they find those stuff "off putting". Maybe she would have left you sooner if not for stuff you did for her. There is too much variables into that

However, would you want somebody like that? Somebody who wouldnt appreciate your efforts? Because at the end of the day you didnt do anything bad. You just did it with the wrong person who doesnt appreciate that, got bored and wants to explore. When you find the right one that will appreciate and reciprocitate your effort you will see how wrong this one was for you.

[melancholy123]

I think it was all too much too fast for her, she is only 23.  You also sound rather needy to me and an over the top kind of guy with all of the things you did for her.

I too think she has one foot out the door.