I am still in it/Just venting/Time is ticking..

[quark]

13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

What, exactly, did you want to accomplish with this conversation?

What, specifically, did you want BF to say or do that he didn't say or do?

HINT: He cannot change a past purchase.

If you don't have clear goals, your goal post will always move--straight into blame territory.

That's a lose/lose for both of you.

You had a lousy situation. You dumped it sideways on BF. He sensed, correctly, that you were doing that, and he came out sideways back at you.

So there you are. And what was the point?

 

I wasn't trying to accomplish anything.  He asked me how my day was and I proceeded to tell him how I locked myself out.

I wanted him to not be so sensitive or either call me out when I've said something condescending/hurtful instead of throwing an attack like "deep down you're a mean person".

When he came home from work I did not talk about it as advised by Wiseman.  We almost got into another fight because the second he walked in and went to grab a glass, he says "I just emptied the dishwasher yesterday, where are all the pint glasses?".  So I say I dunno.. I don't think I used many glasses.. maybe two?  And I open the dishwasher to see how many glasses were dirty in there.

He got angry with me for opening the dishwasher.  The whole thing was just weird.  Then he said how I was mad at him.  No, I wasn't I said.. I was genuinely curious and confused also because I don't remember going through a lot of glasses.  But I said what am I supposed to say when you come in the house and the first thing you do is ask an accusational questions like that?  I was the only one home so obviously I guess I used a bunch of glasses.  He said he was just making conversation.

When I woke up this morning he was reading the book..

I won't write an entire dissertation about why I think this relationship is worth saving and what attributes he has that makes him a good partner in other ways.

And to the person who said I haven't learned anything from my past relationship, that's a hurtful assumption.  I know that I have grown as a person and gotten more mature.  I am dealing with different issues in this relationship but I still feel as though I have the wisdom and clarity to see the truthful reality.

And that reality is that I think we are good together -- we have just sunk down into this conflict loop where we are both hyper sensitive and holding onto tension, resentment, etc.  It makes us bite back at each other constantly, sometimes maybe not even intentionally.

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, quark said:

we have just sunk down into this conflict loop where we are both hyper sensitive and holding onto tension, resentment, etc.  It makes us bite back at each other constantly, sometimes maybe not even intentionally.

Agree. This seems to be the heart of the matter.

It's not about semantics.  'You are'...vs. 'You're acting'..., etc. The result is the same because innuendos and implied meanings pass by the psychobabble filters.

It's about spin and hyperbole. No one is fooled by semantics when the emotional spin is palpable.

Heck, bees and dogs can pick up on emotional undertones so a lot of trendy psychobabble won't fool a partner about how you really feel.

It's not about shed clutter or dishwashers.

You can't change his passive-aggressive remarks but you can ignore a lot of it, such as wasting time arguing about who emptied/filled the dishwasher etc. Or checking, counting, commenting and other defensive actions.

These resentments and bickering seem to be peripheral to the issues of hurt and unresolved power struggles. You're both on the defensive because you're both at each other's jugular.

Deescalate. Do not react overtly or covertly (passive-aggressively) whether words or posturing (like checking the dishwasher). Just change the subject to something neutral.  'Do you want to get pizza tonight', for example. 

Interruption of streaming hostility should be your goal when it comes to his innuendos or implied accusations.

[Pleasedonot5]

23 minutes ago, quark said:

I won't write an entire dissertation about why I think this relationship is worth saving and what attributes he has that makes him a good partner in other ways.

Your essay is due at the end of the week. APA citations and footnotes, please. Just kidding.

OP, no one expects a dissertation. I understand you have love for him. However, you are clearly struggling in this relationship. You have even set an end-date. So, my question was to get you to think about what good qualities he has in earnest. If you answered with very few substantial positives he brings to you and the relationship, perhaps you would have a better idea about just how well the relationship is working for you.

You do not need to justify your relationship to me, but if you cling to vague "he is a good partner in other ways" and then react defensively when asked for specifics, maybe you are worried there are not many good qualities? I could be wrong. Of course. 

I / we are on your side and just trying to help you. It can be difficult to be challenged by posters on ENA. I know that very well, because I felt that I laid myself bare on my recent thread. Then, I was criticized. But, keep in mind that we are posting on ENA for your benefit. We all want to help you and just have different ways of going about it. 

[LaHermes]

3 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

If you answered with very few substantial positives he brings to you and the relationship, perhaps you would have a better idea about just how well the relationship is working for you.

I agree.

And OP, you have indeed sunk into this conflict morass. But this situation is not recent is it?  You talked about much the same state of affairs over a year ago.

[boltnrun]

Do you feel like you HAVE to respond every time he says something snarky?

Do you feel you have the RIGHT to respond in kind when he does so?

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, quark said:

I wasn't trying to accomplish anything. 

That's the problem. When you don't possess clarity about your own goals behind your communication, you reduce your voice to whatever emotional whim you're riding--and when that's hostile, it makes no sense to accuse the recipient of your hostility as being 'too sensitive'.

Get clear about the impacts of your own impulses on your larger goal--to get along better with your BF. Then put your power into what YOU can control--your Self, your attitudes and your own impulses.

You can't force BF into being receptive to your goals if you set him up as 'The Villain Who Must Admit' (to being a villain). Skip that, and focus on reaching your OWN higher ground, from which you can model the kind of communication and receptivity you'll want to receive from him someday.

Start there, and you've got a shot. Overlook that in favor of expecting HIM to rise to higher ground before YOU are willing to go there yourself, and you've got a lose/lose.

So decide where YOU stand: if your goal is important enough to you, then YOU need to lead and model the behavior you want over t.i.m.e.

Change won't be instant, and you'll need to adopt enough maturity and sanity for the BOTH of you.

Anything that comes out of your mouth that does NOT align with your goal is just You sabotaging YOU.

Blaming him for his reaction to that is a fail.

Expecting him to step up and assuage you for each meaningless and destructive cycle that you engage from lower ground is also a fail.

Quote

He asked me how my day was and I proceeded to tell him how I locked myself out.

... Complete with a hostile suggestion that his choice of stupid object was at fault for ruining your day. Which WAS mean.

So why not just own it? Yeah, I'm sorry I came off like a mean jerk, and my frustrations were more about me than about you, and I just took you down with me--and I apologize.

What's so hard about just saying something like that to diffuse the situation, then kiss and make up?

If you can't even bring yourself to start there, then you will never de-escalate the hostility between the two of you--because you're holding onto YOURS.

So sure, until you start modeling he's going to continue your mutual pattern and come off as hostile over stupid stuff like a dishwasher, and there you are--embedded in your cycle of hell with no insight to do what it takes to climb Your Self out of that hole, first.

Once YOU are willing to climb to higher ground, first, you can coax him up to that level later.

But if you're not willing to drop your side of the tug of war rope, then enjoy your misery. It won't go away by itself, and you're offering no model to BF of what you envision as your higher ground as a couple.

Think, and choose carefully--daily. Write more if it helps.

[LaHermes]

" I am so much more realxed and free spirited, I have never had any qualms with how he lives his life, but I feel like he does not agree/approve/like my personality traits."

Do you still feel this might be the case OP?  

[Jibralta]

On 8/7/2021 at 11:34 AM, quark said:

I really want this relationship to be for keeps.

Why?? Do you like walking around numb, so that you can protect yourself from the next insult? Do you like that no amount of capitulation makes you low enough to please him? He's mad when the house is messy, he's mad when you clean. He's mad when you have different priorities, he's mad when you buy the propane heater anyway.

On 8/7/2021 at 11:34 AM, quark said:

He sarcastically says how we addressed it last night, and here we are addressing it this morning, and we will probably address it when he gets home from work too.

The sad thing is, he's dead serious. And he's right. As far as he's concerned, the situation was addressed when he ripped the rug out from under you again. That's his fix. It's a personality type; he's never going to change.

What are you trying to achieve by putting yourself through all of these contortions?

22 hours ago, quark said:

I agree that I am already half way out the door and setting an end date is not a good sign.

On the contrary, I think it's a very good sign. I only wish you weren't pushing the date back so far.

[Jibralta]

18 hours ago, catfeeder said:

What, exactly, did you want to accomplish with this conversation?

What, specifically, did you want BF to say or do that he didn't say or do?

HINT: He cannot change a past purchase.

See, something so mundane would not be a trigger point in many relationships. This should be an easy conversation, an eye roll or a joke between partners about something that may have caused some tension in the past.

On 8/7/2021 at 11:34 AM, quark said:

When talking about the heater, I said "that we've used ONCE".

In my relationship, this is something that we laugh about.

For example, the fancy carbon steel wok that we never use, or the expensive blender collecting dust and taking up precious space in our tiny apartment. My boyfriend's six guitars, his bass, and all of his recording equipment. The list can go on.... and on... 

These aren't hot button items. These are household accessories and we can talk freely about them without suspicion. We can talk freely about anything here.

If a joke, or an expression of frustration, is interpreted as a passive aggressive jab, then something is wrong with the relationship. 

[Bothered2021]

Either I missed something or something is wrong with my thinking. I don’t think what he said to you was that awful. I assume that you both fight or argue and take digs at each other here and there. Like he said, you made the comment about the heater for a reason. Like you said with resentment. You wanted to vent frustration about being locked out but made sure to put something in there to vent about him with that comment. I assume this is probably something that happens often since you do seem to resent and maybe even dislike him. He’s allowed to feel like you are a mean person if you ARE mean to him. And throwing in backhanded comments and referring to him as a MF, kind of makes you sound like you can be mean when you want to. I also don’t understand why being called mean is so offensive. To the point you can’t believe he feels that way although I assume he didn’t feel that way about you when you first met. And to say people don’t say things if they don’t mean them? Um, yes sometimes they do. Although I do think he did mean it. Based on your post, it doesn’t seem far fetched. I’m not trying to be mean to you but take some responsibility for YOUR actions instead of focusing on what’s wrong with him.

I try to be a nice person but I guarantee there are people in my past and probably currently that find me to be mean because I probably didn’t treat them very kind once we stopped seeing eye to eye, or there was some type of resentment. Idk this post just seems very one sided and dramatic 

[LaHermes]

On 8/8/2021 at 9:49 PM, Jibralta said:

If a joke, or an expression of frustration, is interpreted as a passive aggressive jab, then something is wrong with the relationship. 

That is what lies at the heart of the matter. 

To which we can add this remark by the OP:

" I am so much more realxed and free spirited, I have never had any qualms with how he lives his life, but I feel like he does not agree/approve/like my personality traits.""

The OP hasn't been back.

[Cherylyn]

Google "gaslighting."  It means to deflect during the conversation or argument.  The perpetrator says comments which will try to force you to change your perception of the facts.  In other words, you are labeled as the "crazy, insane, mean one."  It's typical gaslighting and nothing I hadn't been on the receiving end before.

In the past, I've been called "a loose cannon" when trying my best to resolve issues calmly and maturely.  This person is a master at gaslighting and that was it for me.  People who are experts at gaslighting are real deal breakers for me.  I'm out and I leave.  I don't put up with that type of ______.  No way.  If these types of mentally ill people are unavoidable such as relatives or in-laws, I enforce extremely strong boundaries with them FOREVER.      

I've dealt with gaslighters and people who dismiss previous arguments, disagreements and refused to resolve issues.  The answer is:  You can't deal with them.  They are who they are and you cannot change them.  Their communication style is not the same as yours, there is lack of emotional intelligence (google "emotional intelligence") and there is lack of empathy.  Communicating with these types of people is an effort in futility.  You will get nowhere with people who have serious mental disorders for which there is no cure. 

"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead."   ~ Thomas Paine, Famous American Founding Father.

You either tolerate being with your boyfriend or YOU make changes for yourself.  You cannot change people.  Change comes from YOU and no one else.  You are responsible for changing this dynamic which includes dissolving and exiting the relationship if you desire less stress and more peace of mind in your life.  Only time will tell regarding when your patience eventually expires.

Lucid communication is key to successful relationships.  Without emotional intelligence, ALL relationships are doomed for failure. 

Some people would say to let it go regarding the propane heater and his "down deep inside you're a mean person" comment.  However, if you've observed a pattern of insisting upon wasting money and his hurtful comments, then he's a red flag indeed.  If his habits are repetitive even randomly, you have to accept and tolerate his unsavory character or permanently go your separate ways.  The choice is yours.

Remember, he will not change for you.  You cannot mold him to be the type of man you wish for.  Either remain with him and accept him as he is or break up and choose your man more wisely in the future.  Become a better judge of character.  Pay attention to tiny red flags in the beginning of an acquaintanceship or relationship because later those tiny red flags become very alarming big flags in the future! 

Your bad experience with him was not all in vain.  You will learn never to make the same mistake twice. 

I'm sorry you got locked out of your house.  It has happened to me in the past, too.   I had to break my kitchen window and climb over the sink to get inside.  It was the first and  last time I locked myself out of the house!