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The resentment for my husband builds more and more each day.


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11 hours ago, crypticreflect said:

  We both want to start a family, but I told him that I am not procreating with a man who can't regulate his emotions or take responsibility for his actions.

^ Just wanted to say that you did the right thing there.  Please, please, whatever you do, do not start a family with him until all of these issues have been sorted.  A child deserves a stable, secure and healthy environment, but right now, that's not happening.  No babies until he gets professional help.

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6 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ Just wanted to say that you did the right thing there.  Please, please, whatever you do, do not start a family with him until all of these issues have been sorted.  A child deserves a stable, secure and healthy environment, but right now, that's not happening.  No babies until he gets professional help.

Not to mention, he will resent the child for getting your attention.  He'll accuse you of loving the child more than you love him.  

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I say this all the time.  You can like someone, you can LOVE someone, it STILL does not mean you are compatible or that your relationship is healthy. 

You are not compatible and your relationship is not healthy. 

Even when I advise divorce, I know it is easy to say and harder to do, because I've been through it.  Even when you KNOW it is the right thing for you both, when feelings are involved it is still incredibly hard to admit that even with so much love between you, the relationship just isn't working or isn't healthy - as much as you may want it to be.  But because I HAVE been through it, I also know that despite it being hard, it can actually be the right, healthiest, and responsible choice for both parties. 

Your husband is being abusive to you and he is also not helping himself to get better.  If your marriage has any chance of survival, he must seek therapy because no one that really loves you would think that you deserve to be abused.  I'm sorry, but I do not CARE what his "issues are", none of it is an excuse to be abusive towards you when you love him and only want to help him. 

You must tell him that you are worried about him and the state of your marriage.  If his worst nightmare really is you leaving him, then tell him that that will be the reality if he does not seek out professional help.  I personally do not consider that an ultimatum.   I consider that action and consequence.  This isn't a silly "ultimatum" over a trivial issue.  This is abuse.  You have to take action because he is not.  

If you really love him, then the best thing you can do for his own well-being is to be honest with him.  He needs professional help.  You cannot solve the many issues going on with him and if you try, you will only be disappointed.  Your relationship should not be based on your ability to withstand his abuse.  By doing that, you hurt not only yourself, but him too.  He has no reason to change as long as you tolerate it. 

You need to sit down and have a chat.  Give him the opportunity to fix this, because it really is in HIS hands, not yours.  Then once you have asked all you can do is wait and see what happens.  If he isn't willing to work on it, then that tells you something.  At that point, I would file for divorce. 

Do NOT have a child with this man.  Being a parent tests marriage like nothing else.  If you don't already have the BEST of conditions, your marriage has almost no chance of surviving it.  

Best of Luck to you. 

 

 

 

Edited by redswim30
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Only here to add that I did not realise how much damage I was incurring staying with a miserable, self loathing man. It took a nice rebound relationship and then 5 soul crushing years of singledom to stoke the fire of myself back up to an intensity that was self sustaining. 
 

If he remains unwilling to level up himself and change what he’s bringing  to your partnership then I would say it’s run it’s course and staying will do you active harm.  

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Guest Anonymous

I have a different opinion that the others it seems..first I notice two different topics are getting mixed up.

First issue - the guy is SUFFERING at his lowest point in life. This is making you feel bitterness and hatred towards him. You see him as pathetic. It is kicking him when he is down and needs help the most. I think you need to work on not having bitterness towards others. Bitterness is like poison. Try instead more empathy, love, understanding.

My partner had anxiety and depression. It is NOT easy I know this. But I never kicked her to the curb and had deep felt hatred towards her for being some pathetic human being that was down all the time...I tried to be supportive as much as possible. When somebody has an illness and you are bitter towards them, I think it is time to have some introspective and try instead to be more loving.

Now with the arguments etc. everybody has them. There doesn't exist a relationship without conflict. If there are issues with this, then give some boundaries and make sure both can communicate in a calm way and talk in a loving way, not full of anger and resentment.

 

 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

First issue - the guy is SUFFERING at his lowest point in life. This is making you feel bitterness and hatred towards him. You see him as pathetic. It is kicking him when he is down and needs help the most. I think you need to work on not having bitterness towards others. Bitterness is like poison. Try instead more empathy, love, understanding.

The way I see it is that yes, maybe he is "suffering" and feeling low but THAT is not what has caused the resentment she feels.  Resentment comes from the fact that he feels because he is feeling low he can take out his anger and misery on her to the point she can't stand living with him anymore and to the point of possible divorce.  Being depressed should never be a reason to emotionally abuse your partner (imo).

Secondly, and (to me) a far stronger reason is the fact that he refuses to help himself.  He refuses therapy.  He refuses marriages counselling to help save his marriage etc etc.  She has every right to feel the way she does and I have no doubt she would be very willing to try and save their marriage if only he would show a willingness to seek professional counseling/therapy.

Personally, I think they are incompatible and that this relationship will never work.  Then add to that the fact that he doesn't care to help himself ..... is a recipe for disaster and the relationship is doomed.  The ball is in HIS court.

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I agree, @Capricorn3

Being depressed and going through a bad time is not an excuse to abuse someone you claim to love.  Yes, people have bad days but this husband seems to enjoy being awful to his wife.  And he refuses to seek help, so either he likes what he's doing and doesn't want to stop or he's making excuses because he fears looking deep inside himself.  Either way, he's behaving poorly.  He could do something to make things better but he's choosing not to.

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You are being emotionally abused. Google covert narcissism and educate yourself on cluster b disorders. Save yourself and leave as soon as you can. These people are sick and their perpetual victimhood and self-entitlement will destroy whatever gains you made in therapy and whatever mental health you have left. Your instincts are good. Listen to your gut. This man has shown you that he’s not willing to change or put in the work and I wouldn’t be surprised if he threatened self-harm or whatever manipulative abusive tactics he can to keep you around. My ex was like that and he staged quite the sob show at the end and pretended to want to kill himself. Do not be swayed, as it’s all an act. If you sense this may happen, make arrangements to leave without him knowing and protect yourself. You’re not responsible for fixing, changing or helping a person who doesn’t want to help himself. You need to look out for yourself first.

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10 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I have a different opinion that the others it seems..first I notice two different topics are getting mixed up.

First issue - the guy is SUFFERING at his lowest point in life. This is making you feel bitterness and hatred towards him. You see him as pathetic. It is kicking him when he is down and needs help the most. I think you need to work on not having bitterness towards others. Bitterness is like poison. Try instead more empathy, love, understanding.

My partner had anxiety and depression. It is NOT easy I know this. But I never kicked her to the curb and had deep felt hatred towards her for being some pathetic human being that was down all the time...I tried to be supportive as much as possible. When somebody has an illness and you are bitter towards them, I think it is time to have some introspective and try instead to be more loving.

Now with the arguments etc. everybody has them. There doesn't exist a relationship without conflict. If there are issues with this, then give some boundaries and make sure both can communicate in a calm way and talk in a loving way, not full of anger and resentment.

 

 

 

 

 

I think it has more to do with the fact that he's unwilling to get help and putting this lady through hell.

It's not right, it's not fair and it's not okay.

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10 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 - the guy is SUFFERING at his lowest point in life. This is making you feel bitterness and hatred towards him. You see him as pathetic. It is kicking him when he is down and needs help the most. 

Ok. Everyone has the right to be free from abuse, no matter what your religious texts tell you.

No one has to stick around and take abuse. No one has to force anyone to get help.

Only cults twist things to include forgiving and coddling abuse.

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You've outgrown him.

When I first read through this thread, I wondered how you could be with someone like him for 11 years. You seem to be emotionally healthy. But then I read this:

On 8/3/2021 at 9:42 AM, crypticreflect said:

When I felt I had problems that needed to get sorted and addressed I seeked out a therapist. 5 years later, I graduated from said therapy and walked out a significantly more stable person. 

...which mean that for more than half of the time, you were actually working on yourself. What happened is, you outgrew him. 

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