Am I being overly..insecure/possessive?

[whitesand3]

Really struggling to know where boundaries should be drawn in a relationship, I keep feeling crazy for the things that seem to be bothering me, but I can't help the way I feel. Looking for some..insight? into what is generally deemed acceptable in a relationship. TIA ☺️

My boyfriend has been posting photos of girls on his social media (FYI I'm non-existent on his social media), and it is really getting to me. 

The photos he posts of them seem very couply, he poses the same way he does with me: Girls very close to him, one that has really gotten to me is of a photo of him holding a girls waist, and she seems to be resting/leaning her head on his chest. 

I tried speaking about it to him but he is adamant that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him taking photos holding girls' waist etc... I personally, find it uncomfortable when a guy who is not my SO holds me by the waist, I'm unsure if I am just very close minded since I am very emotionally unstable at the moment.  Is this something that I should not be bothered by? Just looking for some opinions. 

 

[DancingFool]

3 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

My boyfriend has been posting photos of girls on his social media (FYI I'm non-existent on his social media), and it is really getting to me. 

That right there is the red flag the size of China. Don't waste your time and emotions on a guy who keeps you and your relationship a secret while making himself busy acting single with other women.

It's not about the picture or whether he is holding someone around the waist, it's that he is presenting himself and acting single behind your back, keeping you out of sight and just as a convenience.

Dump him and don't look back. Also, your instincts are correct in terms of being upset by it. Just....rather than trying to fight about it or "fix it" learn to observe, listen to your gut screaming at you, and walk away.

[Lambert]

Of course he's going to gaslight you and say he is doing nothing wrong... he likes doing what he wants.  and if he can manipulate you to have things his way, then of course he is going to do that. 

Why? because he's not a good boyfriend. 

A good boyfriend considers your feelings and doesn't do player boy things that make you question the relationship.

Dump this one.... you know what you're comfy with.  don't let him tell you different. Follow your gut.

The fastest way to get what you want? reject what you don't want. 

 

[boltnrun]

37 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

I'm unsure if I am just very close minded since I am very emotionally unstable at the moment

Being the secret girlfriend of a guy who acts single publicly is not going to improve your emotional stability.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, whitesand3 said:

I tried speaking about it to him but he is adamant that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him taking photos holding girls' waist etc..

This isn't about boundaries and talks. This is about deciding to end things with a clown like this to save yourself all the embarrassment and disrespect.

Is This The Same Man?:

 

[SooSad33]

Did you ask him why YOU aren't there with him in a pic? 😕 

How long have you two been involved?

I think HE is very insensitive & a huge flirt?  No thanks!

 

IF Wiseman is correct (the same guy) ...Look

"Last week I was unsure where I stood with him, I had seen him earlier that week, a couple days later he said he felt single and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He said this multiple times in the past few weeks, only to come back to me saying he wants to be with me and marry me but that we need to sort through the insecurities in the relationship. "

 

OBVIOUSLY, You are NOT happy with this unstrustable Flirt!

Get away from him.  Give yourself some credit & self respect.

 

[whitesand3]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This isn't about boundaries and talks. This is about deciding to end things with a clown like this to save yourself all the embarrassment and disrespect.

Is This The Same Man?:

 

Yes.. it is the same man, I've been really struggling mentally and have been very indecisive with this whole relationship. Part of me keeps feeling like this time might be the time it will work out and he will follow through with all his promises, and sometimes I feel like I'm too insecure/possessive and that I am the one that needs to fix up for this relationship to work. 

For the most part, when I am thinking rationally, I know what I should be doing. However, I also know that every time I have left or he has, we somehow keep getting back into this relationship, and breakups only make the situation worse. So I find myself staying... 

[whitesand3]

28 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Did you ask him why YOU aren't there with him in a pic? 😕 

How long have you two been involved?

I think HE is very insensitive & a huge flirt?  No thanks!

 

IF Wiseman is correct (the same guy) ...Look

"Last week I was unsure where I stood with him, I had seen him earlier that week, a couple days later he said he felt single and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He said this multiple times in the past few weeks, only to come back to me saying he wants to be with me and marry me but that we need to sort through the insecurities in the relationship. "

 

OBVIOUSLY, You are NOT happy with this unstrustable Flirt!

Get away from him.  Give yourself some credit & self respect.

 

He says he doesn't want to post me because he wants to keep the relationship private until me and him are stable again, and recently since the hotel situation, he says he doesn't want to post me because girls I had messaged to find out if it was them, will think to themselves "Oh this is the girl who messaged me to see if her boyfriend was faithful or not"

We have been involved since 2013... so about 8 years. He used to have photos of us up, but he deleted them all, and hasn't posted me, and won't let me post him in over 2 years now. 

[DancingFool]

2 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

Yes.. it is the same man, I've been really struggling mentally and have been very indecisive with this whole relationship. Part of me keeps feeling like this time might be the time it will work out and he will follow through with all his promises, and sometimes I feel like I'm too insecure/possessive and that I am the one that needs to fix up for this relationship to work. 

For the most part, when I am thinking rationally, I know what I should be doing. However, I also know that every time I have left or he has, we somehow keep getting back into this relationship, and breakups only make the situation worse. So I find myself staying... 

Fool me once...fool me twice... How many times does he have to fool you for you to finally accept that he just sucks? Please stop sucking on the hope pipe that tomorrow he'll wake up and be the kind of a guy you actually want him to be. It does not happen. Never never never. 

I know that we are bombarded with this second chances and the oh so romantic the quiet girl whose love turns a creep into a prince. In reality....if you date a cheater, you will get cheated on. If you date a liar, you will be lied to. If you date an abuser, you will be abused. In real life, what you see is exactly what you get and will continue to get.

IF you want a decent guy, then stop wasting your time on this loser and start looking around and dating decent guys. 

Also, STOP lying to yourself about how it just happens somehow mysteriously that you get back together. NO, it doesn't just happen. You are allowing him to lie, manipulate, and gaslight you over and over again. Whyyyyy????!!!! Do you really think that this creep is all you deserve? Come on, snap out of this bs.

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend is very disrespectful to you and extremely disdainful.  He lacks empathy.  He doesn't care how you feel whatsoever. 

He gaslights you.  Run for the hills!  Make him your soon to be ex-boyfriend. 

He will never change for you.  He is who he is.  Either accept his "foibles" or get out.  There is no excuse for his unacceptable and intolerable behavior. 

If he truly and sincerely loves you, he would respect himself, respect you unequivocally and be the type of honorable man worth admiring.  He is neither.

He's being a jerk.

Let him be with all those girls and pose with them on social media.  Hold yourself to a higher standard and quit allowing him to treat you as if you're cheap.

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

We have been involved since 2013... so about 8 years.

Oh, hale no. 

You have wasted way too much time on this chump. If it hasn't worked for 8 years, it's never going to. 

[LaHermes]

9 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

STOP lying to yourself about how it just happens somehow mysteriously that you get back together. NO, it doesn't just happen. You are allowing him to lie, manipulate, and gaslight you over and over again. Whyyyyy????!!!! Do you really think that this creep is all you deserve? Come on, snap out of this bs.

I cannot say it any better than DF.

Relationships are not for "fixing" OP. Healthy relationships require no fixing. What is keeping you with this appalling individual?

[boltnrun]

When do you think this purported "change" will take place? In 15 years? Twenty maybe?

[Coily]

You have given him 8 years and nothing in return that could be classified as devotion or affection. Toss this guy bum out of your life and don't look back.  I think this will do wonders for your mental health and growth, since if the math is right you've been dating since 16 (?). It sounds like you are comfortable in this terrible routine, yes being single again after 8 years will be scary; but I think it will do you a world of good!

Time to be the best Whitsand3 you can be, enjoy and grow. Find yourself, and eventually someone who will not only post about you on social media, but will treat you better than you've ever dreamed (and without any gas illumination).

[melancholy123]

I'd tell him to hit the road.  He's already got one foot out the door.

[Kwothe28]

From other posts from before, social media is the least of the problems you have. He is a serious cheater, taking other girls to dates, taking them to hotel rooms, and that is only what you know it, God knows what you dont. And that will never change.

You are in a vicious cycle. Where you are in abusive(in your case emotionally abusive) relationship. Where he cheats, later swears how he didnt, and if he gets caught how he didnt meant it and how he loves you. Then you take him back and he does it again and again. And you take him back again. Because "he loves you". 

What I am trying to say is, break the cycle. Leave that guy. Seek some help(from friends or even go to  therapist) if needed and dont take him back. Because like this, it will always be the same story.

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

Yes.. it is the same man, I've been really struggling mentally and have been very indecisive with this whole relationship. Part of me keeps feeling like this time might be the time it will work out and he will follow through with all his promises, and sometimes I feel like I'm too insecure/possessive and that I am the one that needs to fix up for this relationship to work. 

For the most part, when I am thinking rationally, I know what I should be doing. However, I also know that every time I have left or he has, we somehow keep getting back into this relationship, and breakups only make the situation worse. So I find myself staying... 

But it's hardly a relationship, is it? 

So what are you staying for?

[DarkCh0c0]

Yup. What are you staying for OP?

Do you come from a household in which you didn't learn love and respect, and so you think you don't deserve/know better with a partner?

Honey, you have to think for yourself here. This will be hard, but you will free yourself from this. You will grow and become a better person. Your self worth will come back to you. What is it that you get from him that you can't leave? I'm sure, deep inside, you know it's not right and you deserve a man who treats you GOOD. You're a good and strong woman when you want to. You have it in you.

[DarkCh0c0]

Oh,I suggest you watch Rebecca Ferguson's TED talk on YouTube. She was with someone who used to bring women to the same house where they lived. If you hear this singer's quick and humble story, you might relate.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Oh,I suggest you watch Rebecca Ferguson's TED talk on YouTube. She was with someone who used to bring women to the same house where they lived. If you hear this singer's quick and humble story, you might relate.

I saw a post on another forum where the young lady was living with her "boyfriend". If he found another woman to hook up with he'd bring the woman to their apartment and the poster would have to sleep on the couch. If he didn't find anyone to hook up with she'd be back in their bed. She actually put up with this.

There are some women who have astonishingly low self esteem who put up with all kinds of horrible behavior. I used to be one of them. But I found my lost self worth and will never, ever put up with mistreatment again.

OP, please do not continue to accept this poor treatment. He does not love you. He just wants you around for his own ego.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

@boltnrun ❤️ more power to us. Rebecca's story and how she decided to leave and stayed in a woman's shelter until she got back on her feet is soul touching. It's the same woman with that charming voice who almost won the X factor. You wouldn't tell! But, the important part is that she got out of it, you did, I did, and OP can.

OP we are cheering for you. You are worthy and you matter as a woman. What he's doing to you is unacceptable and is not a sign of true love, nor loyalty, nor respect. Let that sink in.

Moreover, as boltnrun said, he's keeping you around for his ego. I'm sure you're a smart and beautiful woman, but he keeps you around for an ego boost while you're chained to him limiting your ability to be your best you and be treated like a precious woman. You don't put your foot down and leave, and so he takes advantage of that. It's as simple as that. This will carry on until you break up with him and show him and yourself, that you deserve better. A good better.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

keep the relationship private until me and him are stable again, and recently since the hotel situation, he says he doesn't want to post me because girls I had messaged to find out if it was them, will think to themselves "Oh this is the girl who messaged me to see if her boyfriend was faithful or not"

Yeah okay... Stable I don't see again 😕 .

You two are honestly, so out of whack!  Why are you involved with him?  Just because you are emotionally invested?

Because you obviously showed distrust.  WHY you are putting yourself through this for so long, I have no idea.. lack of self respect & insecurities.  All you are doing is ruining yourself in this 😞 .

You & him will not get to 'stable enough', for any of this to succeed.

Give up on this loser.. seriously.  It's a no win battle.. And someone like this, I would dis own.

 

[smackie9]

If you had a GF that came to you and told you her BF was doing all those same things what would be your advice? Girl you need some serious help with your self worth, because you have none. I guarantee you, your life with be better without him. For now you are just his puppet. Go seek out a therapist, a life coach, talk to your mom...something. You can keep posting for the next 10 years and you will get the same results. Learn to say "it's over, I'm done."

[Jibralta]

19 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

I keep feeling crazy for the things that seem to be bothering me, but I can't help the way I feel.

You're not crazy for the things that are bothering you. You're crazy for putting up with them.

I can't believe how much energy you continue to invest in what effectively amounts to self-abuse.

This guy is terrible. Why are you punishing yourself by staying with him and buying into his extremely obvious lies?