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Healing versus avoidance


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I once again, had another light bulb moment go off for me this week.

I had a very stressful week, and I find that in those moments of great stress, when things calm down again, you can sometimes find great clarity about different things in life. (not always, but sometimes).

I realized that there is a huge difference between avoiding a situation and actually being healed from a situation.

Anytime any of us goes through an upsetting situation, the obvious choice in the future, is to avoid that kind of situation. 

I had not allowed myself into a certain situation for years...many, many years.

I had thoughts on it, and I could see how badly it affected me back then, and I saw how toxic it truly was.

But I felt that I had healed from it, and that I was okay now.

Well, low and behold, if I didn't find myself in a similar situation after all this time. 

The deep emotions that had been hidden for years, suddenly sprung back up again...full force.

I mean, hyperventilating, crying, hands shaking, stressed out to the max, etc.

I was somewhat surprised. I thought I had healed from this!!

But avoiding a situation, is not the same as being healed from it.

You can run away from a situation, you can push all those feelings back down inside of you and lock them away.

You can even convince yourself that it doesn't bother you anymore.

But it does not mean you're okay, or that you're healed.

I am not healed.

I now want to find ways to be healed. Where if I suddenly find myself in this kind of situation once again, it's not going to trigger me this badly anymore.

I want to actually be healed from my past, and not continue the avoidance game. 

I hope this helps someone out there. Much love to you all. 

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44 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

The deep emotions that had been hidden for years, suddenly sprung back up again...full force....

....But avoiding a situation, is not the same as being healed from it.

Yes, it's true.

44 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I want to actually be healed from my past, and not continue the avoidance game. 

I hope you do find healing.

I also think it's ok to avoid situations that are psinful to you, especially if being in those situations is of no benefit to you.

Edited by Jibralta
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You've been posting some very thought-provoking ideas, Sherry ❤️.  I've felt something similar to what you're saying, and when I've overcome that issue years later, I don't react the same now... it is possible to heal and become a much stronger person where you just react differently.

I also agree with Jilbralta, though, that you can still employ avoidance of a situation if it's harming you... even if you're healed, some situations that are abusive just add more trauma - and it has nothing to do with, "not healing yet," if that makes sense.  Sometimes avoiding the situation prevents more abuse, so it's just common sense to stay away.

But I get the feeling you're talking about something else?... 🙂 Something that isn't exactly abusive, yet really affected you, and you want to be able to experience that and be in a stronger place where it doesn't phase you anymore.  More secure in yourself.  More confidence that someone can't touch, even if they try, kind of thing. 

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So, maybe you were just 'triggered' again? 😕 

Can take some time to fully feel better, healed kinda.

And from such 'experiences', we come to learn, if we're experiencing it again, then know to get away from that.

So, good if you've realized this... 

And is never good to just suppress memories/ experiences forever... yes, can re-surface.

So, maybe seeking some prof help will be a good idea.

 

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4 hours ago, SherrySher said:

I now want to find ways to be healed. Where if I suddenly find myself in this kind of situation once again, it's not going to trigger me this badly anymore.

I want to actually be healed from my past, and not continue the avoidance game. 

I understand. I think we all have some unhealed places, and it's frustrating if we find ourselves reacting no better than we did in the first place.

I hope you find your best possible way to cope, to manage and to heal.

((((HUG)))),
Cat

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4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I also think it's ok to avoid situations that are painful to you, especially if being in those situations is of no benefit to you.

I totally agree, however there are times where it can't always be avoided. Sometimes it's out of our control.

In those times, it's good to rely on the healing.

I think many people run from situations without actually getting help for it. 

It does work, sometimes for a long time, but it is always a better choice to try to find help to heal whatever caused the trauma in the first place. ❤️

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you had such a stressful week and had this happen again!

Thank you!! 🥰 

I am trying to view all my challenges? As something to learn from and to grow strength from.

I am hoping that this week does bring more peace and calm, for sure.

But doing my best to look at the positive side of it all. 

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For me the best way is exposure therapy . However, for this you have to be very well grounded and have to ability to recover from panic and anxiety while being exposed to a similar situation. 
 

You are right, ignoring something doesn’t mean you are cured. That tactic of survival lead me to a nervous breakdown 9 years ago. 

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7 hours ago, SherrySher said:

I now want to find ways to be healed. Where if I suddenly find myself in this kind of situation once again, it's not going to trigger me this badly anymore.

 

One thing I found helpful is to change the way you are thinking about the situation. Often when we are hurt that much, we are at low point. Time does wonders, but yes, cant heal stuff unless you change. Often times at my lows I ended up blaming myself for situations I ended up. How I should have done better and if Ive done X, Y wouldnt happen. While after a while, when looking from different angle once it becomes clear, Ive realized that, while I should have maybe done stuff differently, its often not only my fault. You need to be able to pick yourself up from situations like that. And live and learn from it. Only then, even if it happens again you will know better and react differently.

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I know what you mean and I always go back to 'healing is spiral'. There are things from my past that if I dwell on, I can still feel those same feelings.... I sometimes think it comes down to the realization that life is messy and I do not, nor does my life live up to whatever. And that's ok!

It's the great human condition. Because at the same time I've had some true happiness. 

It helps me to take on the role of the observer. Enjoy the good things that happen. Be happy for myself and appreciate it.. For the not so good, be strong for myself. recognize it is a disappointment but know that I'm going to get myself through this. be grateful I'm still alive.

because at the end of the day... if you are alive, you still have time to get better, feel better, enjoy something.

It's perseverance to me, that makes the difference. it's not letting things control me. it's me, accepting that bad things happen but no one thing defines my life.

I'm sorry you were not as far along as you thought... but maybe that is what will push you that much further along in your healing.

I got my heart broken over 3 years ago. And I've posted that have moved in etc and I have... but it can feel unhealed at times. Sometimes it is when I'm hurting about something else. and its like see- more proof that I am a loser. 

but then I realize... wait a minute! Time to adjust and try to be a little nicer to myself. it's ok to not be over it. be proud of yourself for coming along as far as you have. ❤

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Healing a situation such as resolving issues with someone in a calm, emotionally intelligent, non-interrupting, considerate, respectful manner is always ideal.  It's possible if you know whom you're dealing with.  If this person is emotionally mature and empathetic instead of hellbent emotional and mentally ill, yes, healing situations are very possible, realistically hopeful and doable.  By all means.

Some people don't respond well to healing situations.  Instead, they'll gaslight you until you regret opening that door in the first place.  Unfortunately, trying to heal situations sorely backfires often time and time again.

If I foresee that the healing situation is an effort in abysmal futility, I walk because dealing with certain people will become unnecessarily dramatic, argumentative and interacting with this person in the future will be filled with animosity and / or awkwardness.  Neither which are good and unfortunately, your effort to heal situations ends with disastrous results.  I don't deal anymore because some people are just a waste of my time and energy. 

For me,  a lot of times, avoiding situations or certain people IS healing.  The mere mention of certain people's names or being in their physical presence simply makes my skin crawl.  No thanks.  I feel safe and secure in the the protective bubble I've since created for myself.  No one can harm me anymore because I won't allow it.  I want to feel relaxed and at ease;  not nervous and uncomfortable with people who have a dicey track record, senseless and hopeless.  I don't risk being with distrustful people at my expense.  Those days are gone forever.  Live and learn.  That's exactly what enforcing healthy boundaries is. 

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