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FWB with ex situation


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I know what i'm doing is not smart, but I can't bring myself to stop. For more backstory/context of my situation feel free to look at my previous posts. I have not reached out to him a single time which I am proud of myself for, yet he has reached out a few times to have sex in which I responded and we have seen each other a few times in the span of a month. We communicate very openly about the situation luckily and have set clear boundaries, however I still feel weird. He told me a week ago(last time we met) that he doesn't think he will get over me if we continue hooking up and that he knows its unhealthy for both of us but laughed it off because he doesn't care. to me this was a relief because I feel the same way but I am confused because he also said that he barely has feelings for me. I know he is just using me for sex and I enjoy it too, but last week he asked if I was hungry and offered food and he ended up staying the night with me and we talked and cuddled for hours, and it completely made me feel like we were bf/gf again ahhh. I don't want this to stop because it is the last of him I can have and I miss him. Also he told me every week he will hit me up and its been a week and he hasn't so now im overthinking wondering if he changed his mind about it or something. I don't wanna reach out because I want to maintain not ever reaching out like I have been so far. Last week he actually didn't text me, but he approached me in the gym since we happened to be there at the same time,  and he asked if I wanted him over. So maybe he's thinking we will run into each other in person again. idk, I really miss him and I feel like he is handling the breakup/getting over me way easier than I am getting over him. Because genuinely I have been improving myself, but I still feel empty. I am really really hoping there isn't another lockdown because I will be going into my junior year of college this fall and I want to meet more people since almost my entire college experience thus far has been online due to covid, but I still am just not ready to get over him. I think he's the one.

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1 hour ago, mochilove said:

I still feel empty

You will continue to feel this way as long as you continue having no-strings sex with him, OP. You are hindering your own progress. 

Ask yourself this: how are you going to feel when the day comes that he fades out altogether, or tells you that he can't see you anymore because he's dating someone?

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4 hours ago, mochilove said:

We communicate very openly about the situation luckily and have set clear boundaries

No you dont. You are taking him back in hopes you will get back together sometimes and he manipulates you in order to have sex whenever he wants. That is not "clear boundaries". FWB is suppose to be an empty thing where you can do it and continue with your life tomorrow like nothing ever happened. As soon as one side develops or has feelings, wonders, for example, why he hasnt contacted her in a week, its not beneficial even if it feels nice. You need to get over him in order to move on. Instead you are taking him back whever he wants and tell yourself how "he is the one". That is not healthy for you and needs to stop if you want to meet somebody who will not just use you for sex.

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5 hours ago, mochilove said:

We communicate very openly about the situation luckily and have set clear boundaries, however I still feel weird.

If you set clear boundaries, you would not feel weird at all. 

This is not open communication or clear boundaries:

5 hours ago, mochilove said:

he doesn't think he will get over me if we continue hooking up

he also said that he barely has feelings for me.

I know he is just using me for sex

he told me every week he will hit me up and its been a week and he hasn't

Last week he actually didn't text me

You are fooling yourself. Stop making excuses for him. He's not the one!!

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5 hours ago, mochilove said:

He told me a week ago(last time we met) that he doesn't think he will get over me if we continue hooking up and that he knows its unhealthy for both of us but laughed it off because he doesn't care.

Also, I think you are really clinging to this statement, which seems to contradict everything else he's said and done. And that's why he said it, unfortunately. He knows that the tiniest shred of hope will keep you on the hook.

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you are doing this all to yourself by allowing yourself to be used.

It's only going to get worse. When he meets someone else. When you don't meet someone else because your feelings are all about him.

This is not healthy and is damaging your self esteem and image.

It's very ego driven. You're telling yourself a narrative that he is better than you, you need him, his approval of you is more important than your own. 

The only solution is to change this narrative through self love and self parenting. Setting boundaries like not talking to him for any reason, not having sex with him, telling yourself you deserve and will find better, let him be the villain in all this.... 

It's ok to not have sex for a while. You can control yourself. You're making excuses because you want to. but in the long run, you will pay the price.

Get your head out of your butt. you'll thank yourself later when you are free of this leech and on to someone better. 

Edited by Lambert
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He'll say and do whatever it takes to get you to continue to provide commitment-free sex to him.  You're having sex hoping he'll want the commitment.  You can't lie to yourself even if you try to.

What happens when he drops off the contact and you see him at the gym with a new girlfriend?  If that would hurt you, then continuing to provide him with no strings sex is a very bad idea.

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Look at who you're with and that's what you think you deserve. So subconsciously, you believe you deserve breadcrumbs. You believe you're not worthy of someone who meets every one of your major needs.

Of course you can get out of this situation. Stop being a passive participant, which is what you're doing, by letting yourself get reeled in when he reaches out to request the use of your body. Block his number.

You're not in the right mindset to be with any man right now. You have a lot of work to do on your self worth before you're ready to date. Read books and articles on how to achieve this. Concentrate, in the mean time, on your studies, girlfriends, club/hobbies/interests.

Your future self will thank you when you have the wisdom, self-love, and control over recognizing who are the keepers and who should be cut off at the first red flag.

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How can he be 'the one', when he has admitted having hardly any feelings for you? 😕 

You are making this so much harder on yourself here.

What you need is a clean break... just end all of it!

Don't let him use you.

You know you are not over him.. and all this is doing is prolonging YOUR healing/accepting.

You two are no longer involved, so is time to respect yourself and say no more.

Work on accepting what is.. and move ahead with your life.

Edited by SooSad33
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8 hours ago, mochilove said:

I know he is just using me for sex and I enjoy it too

 

Why not just tell him you are not interested in just hooking up but if he is interested in a meaningful relationship to get in touch? Otherwise you will just be training him to treat you as a 'friends with benefits' taking the intimacy out of intimacy, which isn't what you are looking for...

 

 

Edited by mical
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4 minutes ago, mical said:

Why not just tell him you are not interested in just hooking up but if he is interesting in a meaningful relationship and try to make things work, get in touch?

Sure! If the fear of turning him away is that it shuts your door, why not just offer him an opening if it's on your terms and gives you the relationship you want? 

If he's not open to that, you can be confident that if he ever changes his mind, he'll have no problem letting you know. 

Then you can move forward, and he'll become less and less relevant over time. That's a win either way, because if he ever does come back to meet your terms in the future, he may have come to matter so little to you that your new perspective turns him down.

Head high, and respect your Self.

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You'll never earn anyone's respect by presenting yourself as someone who accepts crumbs.  It takes more than sex to secure a relationship in the long term.

Obviously he's sees you as someone who is disposable while getting his needs addressed.  As soon as he meets a person he wants to date, he'll chew you up and spit you out, (no offence intended).

It's all in your hands.

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13 hours ago, mochilove said:

I really miss him and I feel like he is handling the breakup/getting over me way easier than I am getting over him. 

Yes, he would. It's because you're always around like a soft and plushy cushion to catch him when he falls (or is horny). He's not the one for you if he's only hitting you up at the gym to invite himself over. He should be asking you out on dates and showing you how much he cares instead of these boring roll in the hays, don't you think? 

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Well, update:

Ran into him at the gym today, he said hi to me but his demeanor was very indifferent and cold towards me unlike last week where he was super flirtatious and playful in conversation toward me. He told me we needed to have a talk later, and naturally when I went home I was freaking out realizing that I will now lose him for real. He texted me and the conversation was really good. He told me he can no longer hookup because apparently each time we did he fell in love with me all over again and he needs to stop so he can fully grieve the breakup. He told me he has been missing me a lot but that he needs to do this. I am glad he was honest with me and I wish him the best regardless of how much this hurts. I hope in the future we can love each other again, but for now im going full NC. No hooking up with him anymore.

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18 minutes ago, mochilove said:

. He told me he can no longer hookup because apparently each time we did he fell in love with me all over again and he needs to stop so he can fully grieve the breakup. 

Ok. Hopefully this gives you the closure you need so you can move forward. 

It sounds like he found someone else to have sex with.

Sadly you should have moved on when he broke up.

Don't just try "NC" in the vain hope that you can "love again in the future".

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Stop worshipping men who toss you out like trash.

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1 hour ago, mochilove said:

I am glad he was honest with me

Wow.

Given his behavior towards you in general, it's HIGHLY unlikely that he was honest with you. It's MUCH more likely that he met another girl, and has put you on pause for the time being. 

I hope things get better for you.

You need to learn to stand on your own two feet. 

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4 hours ago, mochilove said:

He told me he can no longer hookup because apparently each time we did he fell in love with me all over again and he needs to stop so he can fully grieve the breakup.

So he wants to be with you, but there is something stopping him. His heart wants to be with you, but his mind is saying its not a good idea.

I think this is a good sign. It means the relationship can be fixed, but are you both willing to put in the effort and change for the better?

If the issue was due to poor communication skills / drama / energy being drained (I don't know, just throwing ideas out there), well the good news is that there are lots of resources to help improve this.

I recently discovered the Gottman Institute for great relationship advice and tips, especially in the area of communication

https://www.gottman.com/

Edited by mical
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13 hours ago, mochilove said:

Well, update:

Ran into him at the gym today, he said hi to me but his demeanor was very indifferent and cold towards me unlike last week where he was super flirtatious and playful in conversation toward me. He told me we needed to have a talk later, and naturally when I went home I was freaking out realizing that I will now lose him for real. He texted me and the conversation was really good. He told me he can no longer hookup because apparently each time we did he fell in love with me all over again and he needs to stop so he can fully grieve the breakup. He told me he has been missing me a lot but that he needs to do this. I am glad he was honest with me and I wish him the best regardless of how much this hurts. I hope in the future we can love each other again, but for now im going full NC. No hooking up with him anymore.

I'm sorry you're hurting but this is for the best. Also, thank everything green on this earth that you "lost" him. Maybe it will mean that you don't lose yourself. 

Get rid of him all over social media and anywhere else also. You don't need the constant updates about his love life and ongoings. Do what you can to take care of yourself going forward. 

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9 hours ago, mical said:

So he wants to be with you, but there is something stopping him. His heart wants to be with you, but his mind is saying its not a good idea.

I think this is a good sign. It means the relationship can be fixed, but are you both willing to put in the effort and change for the better?

If the issue was due to poor communication skills / drama / energy being drained (I don't know, just throwing ideas out there), well the good news is that there are lots of resources to help improve this.

I recently discovered the Gottman Institute for great relationship advice and tips, especially in the area of communication

https://www.gottman.com/

thank you for not just telling me that he's lying to me haha, I trust that he is honest and that we both need to heal. Maybe one day him and I can date again, but he has made it clear that for now we need to be apart to find ourselves as individuals.

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13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Hopefully this gives you the closure you need so you can move forward. 

It sounds like he found someone else to have sex with.

Sadly you should have moved on when he broke up.

Don't just try "NC" in the vain hope that you can "love again in the future".

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Stop worshipping men who toss you out like trash.

I don't think he's the kind of person to move on and start sleeping with anyone this early, so im gonna trust what he said for my own peace of mind. But you are correct in saying that I should do NC to move on, not to hope to love again in the future. I think instead of blocking him I am going to delete all my social media so I can have a fresh start as well as not be able to spy on his internet presence.

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