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Hooking up with a girl who has a boyfriend.


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Thursday night I went to a party being hosted by one of my co-workers and we were celebrating another co-worker's birthday. I honestly felt a bit out of my element, being the only person there who didn't drink and one of few who didn't vape or smoke weed in the backyard. But regardless of that, there was one point during the party where I was approached by one of my female co-workers who we'll just call "Ann". Ann was easily the most drunk person there by a country mile and there was a point while standing around the fire in the backyard where she went up to me and told me that she's always thought that I was cute and that she'd want to be with me if it weren't for the fact that she was with her current boyfriend, who wasn't attending the party.

I didn't know what to say other than "Ok, thanks" and then she just wandered off. And there were several parts after that where I would catch her staring at me from afar and she'd be giving a very obvious look of flirting with me. She was going the whole nine yards, what with her looking me up and down while biting her lip and giving this really seductive smile. Me and Ann rarely interact at work and I've never had overwhelmingly strong feelings for her, positive or negative, but I was really tempted to hook up with her on Thursday night. I ultimately decided against it since she had a boyfriend and one of her close friends at the party was trying really hard to control her and prevent her from making any drunken decisions that she'd regret.

Assuming that I get invited to another party with Ann attending, what should I do? I'm really desperate to lose my virginity or at least get with a girl to some capacity and Ann was obviously an outlet for that on Thursday. I mean, would it really make me the bad guy to hook up with her? I'm single and it's not like I'm the one being unfaithful. What do you think?

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11 minutes ago, That36guy said:

what should I do? I'm really desperate to lose my virginity

Please, please, OP, don't get with this "Ann" or indeed any girl for that reason alone. 

As you say, "Ann" was drunk, and do you think that a drunk hook-up is a great idea anyhow?  Don't think so. She has a BF, so, I'd just forget her. 

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I definitely don't recommend going after another guy's girl.  I also think that if you can justify taking another man's woman it would mess up your character.

You don't even really like her anyways, so it's not worth it. Maybe her bf is crazy. Who knows.

I know it can be difficult. Actually just a few minutes ago a girl messaged me and wanted to meet up tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure she has a boyfriend, so I just told her I can't right now and I'm going to avoid.

Plus think about it. IF you were to be with this person, as soon as things don't go well in the relationship, she would be cheating on you.

It's a lose-lose situation.

 

Edited by mical
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29 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Please, please, OP, don't get with this "Ann" or indeed any girl for that reason alone. 

As you say, "Ann" was drunk, and do you think that a drunk hook-up is a great idea anyhow?  Don't think so. She has a BF, so, I'd just forget her. 

What about hook ups in general? Like just with a single girl who’s had some drinks, but isn’t inebriated to a concerning degree.

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Unless you want the girl to sober up later on or the next day and then report you to the police for sexual assault, stay away from drunken hookups.

You have no idea how "inebriated" a girl might be.  And be aware that her being drunk actually makes the case against you worse, not better, if she reports you.

How about asking a girl on an actual date instead of hoping some girl gets drunk enough for you to use her to lose your virginity?

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6 minutes ago, That36guy said:

What about hook ups in general? Like just with a single girl who’s had some drinks, but isn’t inebriated to a concerning degree.

this is extremely disturbing. You should not prey on intoxicated women because you want sexual experience. This is sexual assault and rape. A crime.

Edited by Lambert
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32 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I didn't know what to say other than "Ok, thanks"

You should have given her "the D" 🤣

Dunno if I can meme here, have a perfect meme for this lol

Jokes aside...

32 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I mean, would it really make me the bad guy to hook up with her?

Yes, yes it would. As bad as her who offers like that. From moral standpoint, yes, you would be a bad guy because you knowingly hook up with the girl who has a boyfriend. Also, even if you succeed(there is no guarantee, maybe she just wanted to flirt a bit), there are all kinds of troubles there. What if she says to boyfriend how she was drunk, didnt know what she was doing and you took advantage? Could you live with that? Not to mention her boyfriend probably chasing you to beat you up? 

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Don't be that guy, the D-bag that only cares about himself and getting laid.

Obviously women are interested in you and you are getting attention so hang in there it will happen.

There is nothing wrong with hooking up as long as you aren't taking advantage of anyone.  Make sure you have condoms on you or in your car so you are safe.

Who knows Ann may end up single one day...

Lost

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24 minutes ago, That36guy said:

What about hook ups in general? Like just with a single girl who’s had some drinks, but isn’t inebriated to a concerning degree.

But you won’t know and she can then tell others she did not consent - which likely would be accurate or at least accurate in her mind. Also you risk her boyfriend retaliating even if she says she is single.  People who are drunk or buzzed can forget basic stuff easily 

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1 hour ago, That36guy said:

I'm really desperate to lose my virginity or at least get with a girl to some capacity and Ann was obviously an outlet for that

I think you know using someone as a receptacle to lose your virginity is a bad idea in general and especially a coworker and particularly someone with a BF.

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29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Unless you want the girl to sober up later on or the next day and then report you to the police for sexual assault, stay away from drunken hookups.

You have no idea how "inebriated" a girl might be.  And be aware that her being drunk actually makes the case against you worse, not better, if she reports you.

How about asking a girl on an actual date instead of hoping some girl gets drunk enough for you to use her to lose your virginity?

How about hooking up with a single, sober girl at the next party? Is that alright?

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1 hour ago, That36guy said:

I mean, would it really make me the bad guy to hook up with her?

It wouldn't make you 'bad,' it would make you stupid.

Your work environment by your own account is already a minefield. You're on a path of building positive relationships, so messing with a drunken coworker, much less one who has a BF, would likely burn any bridges you're trying to build and make your work life a living hell--every. single. day.

Aside from that, this woman is showing you how easily she's disloyal to her BF. Why would you view THAT as a green light to mess with such a person? 

This is someone who can turn against you on a dime, so if you want to walk into that propeller blade, you'll have nobody to blame but your Self for the fallout you will suffer.

THINK.

 

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Two consenting adults can do whatever they want.  Just be sure you two actually consent.

I presume you don't care at all about dating or having a girlfriend and rather just want to get the act of first time sexual intercourse over with.

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I don't see much of this situation okay.

You both know she is not available.

You knew she was drunk - not in her right mind.

You are co -workers.

How about NOT over stepping the boundaries here.  And respectfully keeping a decent distance and finding someone else out there to get involved with?

WHY you'd even consider messing with her knowing she's got a BF, I don't understand 😕 .

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I presume you don't care at all about dating or having a girlfriend and rather just want to get the act of first time sexual intercourse over with.

I ask same as Bolt. And, OP, you are getting very good advice here (as usual).

Desperation is a very bad advisor, OP.  

Please, OP, think about what you are thinking, and about what you are saying. I echo what Lambert says above.

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2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Obviously women are interested in you and you are getting attention so hang in there it will happen.

Ann definitely wasn’t the only girl who was expressing interest at the party, so I guess one silver lining is that I can view this party as something of a confidence booster.

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This is yet another reminder of all that is wrong in this world. Total lack of morals, values, ethics, respect and integrity etc.  All about selfishness, self-satisfaction.  No shame.

Here's an idea:  how about showing you have a little self-respect and don't go after girls already in a relationship? I am assuming you DO at least have some self-respect, right?

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I am glad that, ultimately, she did not make a decision she regretted and that you did not take advantage of her intoxication.

I think hooking up with her going forward would be a culpable decision on your part. If she approaches you again, tell her you are not interested, because she has a boyfriend. Or just "ok, thanks" again.

Have some standards. You will find someone else. 

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1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

This is yet another reminder of all that is wrong in this world. Total lack of morals, values, ethics, respect and integrity etc.  All about selfishness, self-satisfaction.  No shame.

Here's an idea:  how about showing you have a little self-respect and don't go after girls already in a relationship? I am assuming you DO at least have some self-respect, right?

Would you consider any form hooking up as a “total lack of morals”? Like, if I did end up sleeping with a single, sober girl, would you still be getting on me about self-respect and my lack of dignity and whatnot?

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Hooking up with single, sober girls is fine as long as you are both consenting, OP. 

You did the right thing brushing off this Ann chick. That would have turned messy and caused more problems for you. 

 

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6 hours ago, That36guy said:

Would you consider any form hooking up as a “total lack of morals”? Like, if I did end up sleeping with a single, sober girl, would you still be getting on me about self-respect and my lack of dignity and whatnot?

From Cap’s entire post, this is what you latch on to? The fact that you are not shaken into awareness and the reality of the seriousness of your statement is absolutely mind-boggling. 

You are so focused on hooking up and work drama that you have failed to see the risk you are putting yourself in, constantly. You are not a young child, so think about what you are doing. Stop being so desperate. Have enough value in yourself to wait to be with someone you actually like. And, when I say ‘like’ I mean to at least like her as a human being, not necessarily wanting to date romantically. You seem to have distain for women in general. Women are not objects you can use for self-gratification or a means to an end. If that is all you want then go pay a sex worker in the industry and leave others alone.

Consent is a very serious issue and you can destroy someone’s entire life if you don’t absolutely have it. I think you are too childish and too self-focused to be anywhere near women with this agenda in mind. Do some emotional growing up first and then think about pursing a woman.

As an aside, there isn’t anything wrong with hooking up if both parties are completely aware and consenting to of their will. You are not socially aware enough to determine if consent is given absolutely, as the fact that you even had to ask if it was okay if the woman is somewhat inebriated attests to.

Edited by LotusBlack
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13 hours ago, That36guy said:

Ann definitely wasn’t the only girl who was expressing interest at the party, so I guess one silver lining is that I can view this party as something of a confidence booster.

What -that a person was sexually attracted to you? What does that boost? Why do you need people who are drunk to act is if they are sexually attracted to you? Or anyone else?  Many people are attracted to many other people sexually or they find them adorable etc but I don't see that as a healthy focus for the person being admired.  In fact I do my utmost if I am complimenting a young child to compliment on personality /sparkle/sense of humor/thoughtfulness not looks.  Once in awhile it's about the clothing if she or he is obviously proud of what she is wearing (or on Halloween!) but I can't stand the focus on physical features in general.  

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11 hours ago, That36guy said:

Would you consider any form hooking up as a “total lack of morals”? Like, if I did end up sleeping with a single, sober girl, would you still be getting on me about self-respect and my lack of dignity and whatnot?

No not at all -two consenting single adults (drunk or buzzed people cannot consent especially if you don't know each other well -more risky to judge "buzzed" vs. drunk) - can choose to have sexual intercourse just casually/randomly and be perfectly moral people who find casual sex pleasurable and fun or just feel like doing it.  It's the way you're going about it that casts doubt that you have any focus on behaving like a thoughtful, ethical, caring human being whether towards a stranger or a friend.  

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5 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

The fact that you are not shaken into awareness and the reality of the seriousness of your statement is absolutely mind-boggling. 

You are so focused on hooking up and work drama that you have failed to see the risk you are putting yourself in, constantly. You are not a young child, so think about what you are doing. Stop being so desperate. Have enough value in yourself to wait to be with someone you actually like. And, when I say ‘like’ I mean to at least like her as a human being, not necessarily wanting to date romantically. You seem to have distain for women in general. Women are not objects you can use for self-gratification or a means to an end. If that is all you want then go pay a sex worker in the industry and leave others alone.

Please, OP, read and re-read Lotus Black's post.  You are twenty-six OP!  Please get your thinking in order. 

 

5 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

You are not socially aware enough to determine if consent is given absolutely

You do realise that your social ineptitude (and the reasons for it) lie at the heart of your evident difficulties.

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