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Are We Officially Over?


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Hello everyone, 

I am new to the forum but I thought I would try this community out and see if I can get some helpful advice. My now ex-girlfriend and I have dated for about 11 months and we recently broke up. It was a month-long heartbreaking journey and I feel like there are still loose ends to be resolved so I was wondering if this wonderful community can give me advice. Here is the background first:

My GF and I have been dating since September of last year during her senior year in college. It was her last semester and she was to travel outside of the country for about 7 months after graduating before she was going to come back to the states to start her career. We knew what we were getting ourselves into and both took the risk of starting a long distance relationship after being together for a short period of time. During this time away, she just spent time with her family split between Korea and Russia (she is not originally from the USA) and prepared for her career. So pretty much we dated about 3 months in person and 7 months of long distance. 

During this time, both long distance and in-person, we were clicking every single time. We were well balanced and gave each other much needed comfort and emotional support. However, with most relationships, there were times where we clashed in personalities. There were times where I didn't consider her unique position of not telling her family about us, which really didn't bother me at that time (This issue will come up later in the story). There were times where she would have to constantly repeat little things she has already said. And there were also times where I would miscommunicate due to a language barrier (we mainly spoke in her native language, which I am not very fluent in). I felt at the time these were common issues couples face and I figured we had ironed out our problems because we continued our long distance relationship. 

Fast forward several months in June and we are now in our 6th month of our long distance relationship. All of a sudden, she becomes distant. She doesn't reply to my texts, we are not facetiming as often. So naturally, I ask her if there is something bothering her. She told me that she needed time for herself. I respected her wishes and gave her the space she wanted. During this time-off of no contact, I believed that she was getting stressed out with not being able to find a job, especially a month before she was scheduled to come back to the states. Then a week later, she texted me and said she felt better and less stressed. We were texting like nothing even ever happened. 

Not even two days later, I make the dreaded language barrier communication error mistake and I guess she was getting frustrated at this point with my lack of communication skills in a language that I am not 100% comfortable with. She again acted cold but not in the same way as the first time she wanted space and time for herself. So again, naturally, I ask her why she is acting this way, but this time I also ask the question of why she cannot come and see me after months of being apart (PREFACE!! We had agreed earlier in around May that because she can’t tell her family about us, it was going to be hard for her to visit me at my current location because she was going to be with her family in the States for about 2 months). I figured after being months apart, she wouldve at least changed her mind and come up with some sort of excuse to come and see me. I told her that she wasnt putting enough effort into the relationship and that is when she exploded and said those were extremely hurtful words, especially since I agreed on not meeting her until she was away from her family. I guess my constant pestering and bickering about the situation did not help. This was also the time when she brought up lack of comminication skills and her frustration of me not understanding things on the first tome. In the end, her perspective was that my lack of understanding of her situation and constant pestering was another form of stress in the long distance.  Mind you, this all happened about 4 days before her flight back to USA. We again after this huge argument and agreed not to speak for another few days.

During this time again of her not wanting to talk with me, i kept telling her how I was sorry and shouldve been more understanding. And all this time, I didnt realize how much my shortcomings were being burdensome for her and that I will try and be more understanding. Days later when she is going to the airport she tells me ok and that she is about to board the plane. I figured this additional short break was good for both her and I and told her that “thank you for your understanding and to text me when you land” when she landed, she didnt text me back until the next morning. In my mind at this point was “why is she acting like this again and not wanting to talk..is it that hard to tell someone they landed?” 

With all of this frustration pent up inside of me, I told her through text that we should break up. This was not what I wanted but i felt at the time that this is what she wanted because she was being very cold and inattentive, which she was never like. She was always the instigator, the one that would always want to do things. So out of all this frustration I told her lets end things. In hindsight, she didnt want to end things, and me saying lets end it was again hurtful to her. 

Her words were “How could a couple of weeks of me acting different because I was going through personal issues and i problems with life be the deciding factor for me to end the relationship. I went through so many measures to keep this relationship going to understand you and to work things out, but I never wanted to cross the line of breaking up.”

My response was “How could I have known any of this if this is what it takes for you to tell me all of this. I cant do the guessing game. Im sorry, i shouldnt have said lets break up. Lets just take a break.” Her final response was “ i am just not good enough at expressing my feelings and I hoped that you were more understanding of this. But I agree lets take a break until things get better." So we agreed on a month long break in the middle of july until at least she is away from her family. Then, We had no contact for another 10 days until I couldnt stand my regret of telling her lets break up. So i reached out to her….

She told me that only hurtful words and memories were in her head and that as more time passes on, she cannot think of any of the good times we had. I again asked her for her forgiveness and hoped she would change her mind. Days later, she tells me she is tired of this back and forth and that we should break up. After about a month of constant heartache and confusion, we are now broken up, with all of this done through texting most of the time and no face-to-face interaction. 

So here is my question:

She has some of her stuff at my house. She asked if I could send her stuff (clothes and shoes). There are more small furniture but she said I can keep these things. Now in my mind, because I think there are so many loose ends, especially since we texted during all of this, I feel like in about a month when I can get to her stuff at my house, she would hopefully have a change in mind. Like I said, she is always the type to be the instigator and always needs someone there to support her emotionally and physically. Maybe this month off will have her miss the good times we shared. Maybe if I show up to her doorstep and deliver her stuff directly and we get to see each other, things will change. What is everyone’s thoughts on this? Should I wait during this month and then show up to her place with her stuff (she will be miles away from her family at this point and will live 4 hours from my place)? I am fine with the idea of driving 4 hours to give her stuff back. If she takes me back so be it, if she doesn't so be it as well. I just felt that ending a relationship over the phone is the worst thing anyone can do and talking about it in person may end things differently. She never gave me the chance to talk about it in person, and my thought is, with the time apart and me being able to see her again and talking about, things may be different.

Thank you everyone..

Edited by highspeed43
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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why does she have to hide her relationship with you from her family?

Her family is on the strict side and she has always said she didn't tell her family members any of her past relationships. I was cool with it at first and tried to respect her wishes the best I could, even as odd as it may seemed. 

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What would have happened if you two stayed together?  What if you moved in together and/or got engaged?  Wouldn't she have to tell them at some point?  Or would she have kept you a secret forever?

And isn't she a legal adult?  If she's a college graduate she must be at least 21 years old.

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Posted (edited)
2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What would have happened if you two stayed together?  What if you moved in together and/or got engaged?  Wouldn't she have to tell them at some point?  Or would she have kept you a secret forever?

And isn't she a legal adult?  If she's a college graduate she must be at least 21 years old.

She specifically told me that unless she knows for sure that I was "the one" she was not going to tell them about us. I guess we never got to that point for her to tell her parents that I was "the one" 

Edited by highspeed43
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In the future do not pre-emptively break up with someone if you don't really want to.  And don't break up and then try to take it back.  That erodes trust.  It's nearly impossible to come back from that.

From what you wrote it seems like she was pulling away.  I think a breakup was inevitable.  It seems like there was an awful lot of conflict for less than a year and only 3 months actually together in person.

I don't think you should show up on her doorstep.  She knows what you look like and chose to stick with the breakup anyway.  I understand that breaking up over text is not ideal but I don't think being told to your face that she really meant it is going to make you feel any better.

Relationships are not supposed to be this much work and stress and drama.  The right relationship will not be a struggle and you won't have to convince the right woman to stay with you.  She'll want to all on her own.

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

In the future do not pre-emptively break up with someone if you don't really want to.  And don't break up and then try to take it back.  That erodes trust.  It's nearly impossible to come back from that.

From what you wrote it seems like she was pulling away.  I think a breakup was inevitable.  It seems like there was an awful lot of conflict for less than a year and only 3 months actually together in person.

I don't think you should show up on her doorstep.  She knows what you look like and chose to stick with the breakup anyway.  I understand that breaking up over text is not ideal but I don't think being told to your face that she really meant it is going to make you feel any better.

Relationships are not supposed to be this much work and stress and drama.  The right relationship will not be a struggle and you won't have to convince the right woman to stay with you.  She'll want to all on her own.

Thank you for this. I'm just afraid that a month or two from now she will reach out back to me and saying that she misses me and wants to work things out. I feel like the ball is in her court and I'm afraid what might happen when the ball is passed to me to make a decision..

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2 minutes ago, highspeed43 said:

Thank you for this. I'm just afraid that a month or two from now she will reach out back to me and saying that she misses me and wants to work things out. I feel like the ball is in her court and I'm afraid what might happen when the ball is passed to me to make a decision..

Well, there's no point in worrying about something that might not even happen.  I would just go on with my life under the assumption the relationship is over for good.  Send back her belongings and be done with it and move on.

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If someone keeps you a secret, that's not going to end well--and it will end.

You're better off liberated to find someone who can be honest with you and about you.

Head high, and consider yourself done with the mind games.

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She was backing out of this relationship anyway, OP. I don't think it was going to last, regardless of what you said or didn't say. She was not into it anymore and you gave her a "convenient" reason to end it completely and blame you. But really, the writing was on the wall here. 

Do not show up at her door. That will not go well. Send her belongings back and be done. I wouldn't stress about whether she might text you again in the future - there's no sense worrying about something that might never happen. Focus instead on letting go of her. She wasn't the right one for you. 

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Breaking up, getting back together back and forth is very exhausting and shows immaturity in a relationship

Breaking up with the intention to just get their attention to 'realise' is just that, to get attention

Move forward and focus on yourself before you're ready to be a in relationship you and the other person can take seriously
 

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I think you dodged a major bullet. Tell her she has x amount of time to get her stuff or you'll toss it.

She's dishonest. You were just a secret from the rest of her real life.

Be glad this nasty chapter in your life is over.

Date local, culturally and linguistically compatible honest decent women.

Women you can see on a regular basis and who integrate you appropriately into their lives 

What do your friends and family make of her nonsense? 

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10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If someone keeps you a secret, that's not going to end well--and it will end.

You're better off liberated to find someone who can be honest with you and about you.

Head high, and consider yourself done with the mind games.

I agree with this... there are many other things that make this relationship a lesson learned. 

Long distance is hard and rarely works out long term.  Add in the secret, your ages, and stages of life there are many strikes against it.

Next time be more deliberate in your communication. Don't break up when you don't want to, trying to manipulate the situation.  Date locally, someone that makes a place for you in their life with their friends and family. 

Mail her stuff and toss the rest. block her. make a clean break and move on.  life is too short for all this drama. 

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Since she's an adult and takes her family's opinion in to consideration about relationships, don't think her allowing their input and interference would end when she tells them she's serious about someone. That red flag, along with constantly needing breaks, shows you so much, and yet you fear you'd be weak and take her back if she desires.

Why do you have so many of her belongings after only being together physically for 90 days? I'm assuming you two became way too immersed in such a short time. Do you have a fulfilling life outside of having a gf?

This is a learning experience so learn from it and be more mindful of red flags when dating in the future. After you give her back her belongings, block her number so you won't take her back in a dry spell or weak moment. 

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I can understand eastern conservative heritage and her not mentioning you to parents. However, that and her problems are not an excuse for her to shub you by the side. You had a lot of problems going on, long distance, language barrier etc. To her everything was OK when you were together but it seems that she changed her tune while away. In that circumstances there was nothing you could do especially because she became distant. You insticts about break up where good even though you have regrets. If you havent, she would probably do it instead. So, look at it as something that wasnt meant to be and move on. And I agree with others, mail her stuff, dont just show up or even contact her, leave it at that.

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1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Since she's an adult and takes her family's opinion in to consideration about relationships, don't think her allowing their input and interference would end when she tells them she's serious about someone. That red flag, along with constantly needing breaks, shows you so much, and yet you fear you'd be weak and take her back if she desires.

Why do you have so many of her belongings after only being together physically for 90 days? I'm assuming you two became way too immersed in such a short time. Do you have a fulfilling life outside of having a gf?

This is a learning experience so learn from it and be more mindful of red flags when dating in the future. After you give her back her belongings, block her number so you won't take her back in a dry spell or weak moment. 

We didn't live together or anything. The only reason I have her stuff is because she moved out of her apartment when she left the country after graduating college.

Yes, I do have a "life." I enjoy many hobbies, so keeping myself busy won't be an issue

Thank you.

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14 hours ago, highspeed43 said:

There are more small furniture but she said I can keep these things. Now in my mind, because I think there are so many loose ends, especially since we texted during all of this, I feel like in about a month when I can get to her stuff at my house, she would hopefully have a change in mind. Like I said, she is always the type to be the instigator and always needs someone there to support her emotionally and physically. Maybe this month off will have her miss the good times we shared.

IMO, you two never were able to get ahead successfully and 'build', before she went away.

Why, with only months of being involved, does she have furniture at your place?

And as for her such 'needs', this is no good.  No one should be so 'needy'.

No, I don't feel anything will turn out a success between you two.  

I would not drive 4 hrs to see someone 'in hopes' and to just drop stuff off.  is she never going to be staying closer to you again?

I would put her stuff in a box and mail it to her parents place. Do NOT show yourself as so 'needy/desperate'.. Start working  on accepting this never worked out right for either of you.

 

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I can understand eastern conservative heritage and her not mentioning you to parents. However, that and her problems are not an excuse for her to shub you by the side. You had a lot of problems going on, long distance, language barrier etc. To her everything was OK when you were together but it seems that she changed her tune while away. In that circumstances there was nothing you could do especially because she became distant. You insticts about break up where good even though you have regrets. If you havent, she would probably do it instead. So, look at it as something that wasnt meant to be and move on. And I agree with others, mail her stuff, dont just show up or even contact her, leave it at that.

The more I think about it, the more I don't want to invest in any of my time for her, even to deliver or mail her stuff. Would it be petty of me to tell her to come pick it up, knowing that for her, that is probably impossible since she cannot drive? In my perspective, I've done alot for the relationship, but now that we aren't together, I don't want to spend a single time/effort/money on her and her belongings. 

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Just now, SooSad33 said:

IMO, you two never were able to get ahead successfully and 'build', before she went away.

Why, with only months of being involved, does she have furniture at your place?

And as for her such 'needs', this is no good.  No one should be so 'needy'.

No, I don't feel anything will turn out a success between you two.  

I would not drive 4 hrs to see someone 'in hopes' and to just drop stuff off.  is she never going to be staying closer to you again?

I would put her stuff in a box and mail it to her parents place. Do NOT show yourself as so 'needy/desperate'.. Start working  on accepting this never worked out right for either of you.

 

Just to clarify, I brought her stuff in while she was away since she didn't have anywhere to put it. At the time, I kindly accepted her stuff, but that is why I am stuck with her belongings. 

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8 minutes ago, highspeed43 said:

The more I think about it, the more I don't want to invest in any of my time for her, even to deliver or mail her stuff. Would it be petty of me to tell her to come pick it up, knowing that for her, that is probably impossible since she cannot drive? In my perspective, I've done alot for the relationship, but now that we aren't together, I don't want to spend a single time/effort/money on her and her belongings. 

Yes, it's "petty".  And it's a transparent way to try to get her to see you one more time.  Inside, are you hoping if she looks at you she will change her mind and want you back?

Wanting revenge or to hurt her will backfire big time.  If you do follow through with this ill-advised plan I guarantee you will feel much, much worse if she gets someone to drive her and she just calmly picks up her belongings and leaves.  If you don't get the payoff of her begging you back or crying or saying she regrets her decision you will feel like she broke up with you all over again.  I promise.

I recommend you do what's best for the both of you and box up her things and send them to her.

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Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yes, it's "petty".  And it's a transparent way to try to get her to see you one more time.  Inside, are you hoping if she looks at you she will change her mind and want you back?

 

Yes... right now in my current state of mind, this is what I'm hoping for. 

But I appreciate everyone's inputs and advice, which I hope will point me to the right answer of letting her go. 

Edited by highspeed43
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33 minutes ago, highspeed43 said:

The more I think about it, the more I don't want to invest in any of my time for her, even to deliver or mail her stuff. I've done alot for the relationship, but now that we aren't together, I don't want to spend a single time/effort/money on her and her belongings. 

Agree. You're not a storage facility or delivery service. It's her stuff so the onus is in her to collect her belongings.

Communicate that she has x time to collect her belongings before they are donated to charity. Alternatively she can send you the funds to send it.

She may not even be interested in it, but legally you'll have to check and offer an opportunity for her to collect it. Let her friends/family (who you were a secret from) drive her.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Just give her a shipping quote on sending her stuff. That's what she asked for and I wouldn't put myself at the mercy of her schedule for showing up to pick up her things. Consider the small furniture the exchange for your time packing it up - you could sell it or whatever you want. 

Don't beat yourself up. This was shady from the beginning, she comes off as a bit of an opportunist. 

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2 hours ago, highspeed43 said:

The more I think about it, the more I don't want to invest in any of my time for her, even to deliver or mail her stuff. Would it be petty of me to tell her to come pick it up, knowing that for her, that is probably impossible since she cannot drive? In my perspective, I've done alot for the relationship, but now that we aren't together, I don't want to spend a single time/effort/money on her and her belongings. 

Those kind of things(stuff exchange after break up) never go well. Usually its painfull, one side maybe hopes to reconcile etc. What if she comes with some new guy? Just save yourself a trouble and mail it to her. Cant she pay for package when it arrives to her?

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