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Should we break up? We never even met (LDR)


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I met this girl during this pandemic, we know each other for almost 1 year and this is my first relationship, we are both F and 19. To sum up things we've been talking every day for 5/6 hours a day and I can consider myself happy with her, she's great, I trust her, I feel comfortable with her (I have social anxiety and dont feel comfortable even w my friends), we care for each other, we have fun with each other, we try to help and make eachother a better person and we're both people who get tired of other people real fast, but this time this didnt happen, and I think we're pretty attached because If we dont talk for a day we really miss each other (yeah this is not healthy), the thing I love most in our relationship is that we always solve things out and can really TALK with each other after we fight, even if we're mad we're always trying to be mature and really UNDERSTAND each other, but there's this thing:

We never have deep and conversations and I just dont feel that spark, that connection, she doesnt really stimulate me intelectually (and I'm a person that really needs that), I can tell that I really care for her and she's the person that I like most in this world but I dont know if I love her, and I dont feel she's the one (and that fact she's my FIRST girlfriend really makes me overthink everything), but the thing is, I have a lot of mental illness (anxiety, depression, OCD) I am REALLY insecure and I doubt everything in my life, I have this tendecy to selfsabotage everything, and this is my first relationship, I dont know how Im supposed to feel, I dont know how can I KNOW if I love her or not, or if I was ever in love or not, I wish there was a test to it, please dont tell me "you just feel it" cause I rationalize everything and never know my own feeling to anything in my life (yeah this sucks)

I dont wanna throw away everything that we have for this one thing that I dont know if can be changed or not, I dont wanna lose her, but I dont wanna hold her in a relationship that I keep thinking has no future, also dont wanna hurt her, but the thing is, she's the only person in my entire life that I can really be myself with, and can really trust. And I know this SUCKS, codependecy stuff and ***, but we spend >>all<< of our free time with each other, and I dont have anyone but her, she's currently my only company and source of happiness (dont really like my actual friends). But I just hate having to say to her that I'm not sure if I love her and hurt her everytime when she REALLY loves me. Hurting her is the worst thing in the whole world. I dont even know if its bad to tell her that and "be honest" or keep that just to myself until I can understand what I'm feeling

So.. what should we do? Could LDR be the problem affecting us? Should we wait to meet IRL (we probably will be able to this year) to really determine if we have that connection or not or thats already clear? Will meeting IRL make things worst and make it harder to get over the breakup (if it happens)? We have a lot of plans together and I cant just end this great and really first and only bond I had with someone without even meeting. I think it will be definitely worst to live with the fact that we never even touched and to not 100% know if in person things would change and I would feel that "spark". But, ***, meeting and not feeling anything would be absolutely horrible too.

And another thing, should I tell her that everytime she asks if I love her or just keep that *** to myself? I'm thinking in even showing this post so she can understand but I dont wanna hurt her just so I can be "honest". I just dont wanna break her heart :(, I know she likes me and loves me deeply and she doesnt deserve all of this doubting of my part, but I also dont wanna leave her alone and if we decided to rlly break up I will make sure she has someone else to take care of her, and I hope that in the future I can at least be her friend cause losing someone this great is really something I dont wanna think about.

We are also planning to take a break and stop being so codependent, we will stop talking in voice for like 1 week to see what happens and and start hanging out more w our friends (even tho we like each other way more than our current friends) bc spending all of free time w someone can really make things monotonous and boring, and maybe we dont have nothing to talk about cause we're always w each other.

Tbh I cant even imagine being without her, I know I will be miserable cause I currently have no one else in my life, even friends. I cant even go out bc of this pandemic (my country is still in lockdown). If we break up I think im doing that for her? To set her free and find someone who is sure of things and can tell her they love her.

tl;dr dont feel connection, dont know if its due to being long distance, or maybe even selfsabotage, dont feel she's the one even tho really really like our relationship despite this fact, dont wanna break things before even meeting her, dont know if this is the best choice and what would be more painful, should I wait and meet her, should I break up rn? How can I feel this connection?

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I would tell her  you're sorry that you led her to believe this was a romantic relationship and you realize now that a true relationship of a romantic nature requires meeting and dating in person.  You realize that meeting and actually seeing each other regularly just isn't possible so it's best to perhaps chat once in awhile online but to go your separate ways.  I think you should work on meeting friends and doing activities in real life -why don't you have friends in real life? Is it just situational because of covid?  I don't think you can be a good romantic partner to anyone if you're this isolated.  I'm sorry you're frustrated and stressed.

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I don't think this is self-sabotage. 

Rather, it's a natural byproduct of never having met this person and not being able to actually have a relationship in real life. It's awfully hard to sustain a connection when you don't know how well you would actually get along in reality, if at all. A purely digital connection is eventually going to die out, because it's just not realistic to commit yourself to someone you haven never met. 

8 hours ago, throwawayaaaa said:

if we decided to rlly break up I will make sure she has someone else to take care of her

You can't and shouldn't assign yourself this responsibility, OP. I know you care about her but part of the problem here is that you two have come to rely on each other way too much, for things neither of you can actually help the other resolve. It's got to be up to her to start looking out for herself, and for you to stop trying to rescue her from herself. 

 

8 hours ago, throwawayaaaa said:

should I wait and meet her

No, this would be a mistake. You don't know when you will meet, and what if you meet and still feel the same way? You are already unsure. Those doubts are likely to be amplified in person, not the other way around. 

I think all you can do is kindly but firmly tell her that you can't continue this, and it's better to take a lot space from each other. Perhaps you can be friends again in the future, but it's not a good idea right now when she wants more and you don't. 

Be gentle and respectful, but stick to your boundaries. 

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Address your mental health with a physician and therapist.

Are you out? Are your friends and family supportive?

Why are you hiding behind a screen?

Yes that is a major contribution to your unhappiness.

Get involved in your real life with real people.

 

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15 hours ago, throwawayaaaa said:

I also dont wanna leave her alone and if we decided to rlly break up I will make sure she has someone else to take care of her,

You can't leave her "alone" if you have never been with her. She is a face on a screen. And unless she lives in the Arctic she surely has others around her.

15 hours ago, throwawayaaaa said:

I have a lot of mental illness (anxiety, depression, OCD) I am REALLY insecure

15 hours ago, throwawayaaaa said:

(I have social anxiety and dont feel comfortable even w my friends)

I echo what Wiseman says.  It is important you address your mental issues with a professional.  You are only nineteen! You should be out there discovering the great wide world.

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Easy....this is how relationships play out. You like each other, it gets intense, you both say you will be together forever, the novelty wears off, then you have to figure out how to say goodbye so you can move on. It's perfectly normal. Yes it takes a lot of feelings and emotions, but it is necessary. Those feeling will go away as you carry on adjusting to a life without them. It's to make room for someone new. That's how the process continues.

I agree you should seek out therapy, or at least try some self help books or seek out a life coach. Things are not that bad for you right now. I feel you can work through all this anxiety if you work hard at it. BUT if you do nothing you will end up in the darkest blackest of your mental issues restricting you from enjoying life. Be inspired to have all those wonderful things you wish to have.....

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Quote

We never even met (LDR)

This tells you all you need to know.

One of the most self defeating things one can do is to build a fantasy 'around' a stranger and then live in your head 'around' that fantasy.

It creates a lose/lose on several fronts. First, it robs you of your ability to see and feel joys in your real life, because everything outside of your own head pales in comparison--nothing can live up to what you're inventing.

Second, it creates an unnecessary need for a 'break up' in order to liberate yourself and start focusing on building solid and meaningful interactions with real live people and interests beyond the fantasy.

It wouldn't be an over reach to consider help from a counselor, self help group, clergy, mentor, friend or family member to help you retrain your mind away from this problem.

I would tell this person that you appreciate the comforts you've both offered one another during this time, but you need to build your everyday life back to a focus on interests beyond your conversations, and you're going to start doing that right away.

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Address your mental health with a physician and therapist.

Are you out? Are your friends and family supportive?

Why are you hiding behind a screen?

Yes that is a major contribution to your unhappiness.

Get involved in your real life with real people.

 

Yes I think you need therapy.  You are far too anxious about everything to do with this girl and you need to lean how to calm yourself.  Also you are far too co-dependent with her.  Take that 1 week beak for now but over all I think you need to sort yourself out and then find someone who lives near you.  LDR is the hardest way possible to have a relationship.

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I feel a LOT of things are lacking.

You two have never really met in person, so that adds to the challenges , when really, it is necessary.

You guys sound more like buddies, with all the 'talking', because that's all it is, really.

You can only get so far this way... when it best for your own mental health to have someone much closer, for real.

You NEED to focus more on yourself.  Take care of you more ❤️ .  Sounds like this is just adding more stress.

And yes, I feel you should be honest with her and explain you DO really care for her, as a friend.  But, is not love.

Why is it you don't have any 'local' friends? 😕 

As for your anxiety/depression, are you medicated or in therapy?  That should be addressed - for your own well-being.

Too many stressors can cause a lot of damage 😕 .. I just don't feel this situation is good on you.  Is maybe best to just step down.

Let her decide if she can handle being okay with just being friends.

 

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19 hours ago, throwawayaaaa said:

I have social anxiety and dont feel comfortable even w my friends

 

19 hours ago, throwawayaaaa said:

she's currently my only company and source of happiness (dont really like my actual friends)

 

19 hours ago, throwawayaaaa said:

t the thing is, I have a lot of mental illness (anxiety, depression, OCD) I am REALLY insecure and I doubt everything in my life, I have this tendecy to selfsabotage everything

 

19 hours ago, throwawayaaaa said:

I currently have no one else in my life, even friends.

You have a lot that you need to address, OP.  You are only nineteen and yet you are in this dark place. You need help to pull yourself out and get a proper life. 

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