Jump to content

The ex


Recommended Posts

After 2 months of no contact with my abusive ex, he contacted me the day before taking his daughter on holiday, the holiday myself and my daughter were also meant to be going on to ask if i could watch his house and if me or my daughter needed b break, we were welcome to stay there. For months before we split, he was verbally, mentally, emotionally abusive and could sometimes be violent. I've had numerous calls which i didnt answer and texts i wouldn't reply too. He borrowed money which never repaid and was horrible to my daughter, after 6 years, i'd had enough. If i block him from my phone, he calls from no caller ID and as i am in therapy , my therapist calls from no caller ID so its not like i cant answer. i cant understand why he chooses now to get in touch, he knows i am dating someone else

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He got in touch because he wants to abuse you some more.

You can change your number to put an end to this. Yes, you can. Sure, you can think of a zillion silly excuses why you "can't " change your number but they are just that, excuses.

Change your number and give it to your therapist and anyone else you want to have it. Do NOT give it to him. No, he does not "need" to be able to get in touch with you. If there's some kind of "emergency" I'm sure he has other people he can contact for help.

Do it asap. Your peace of mind will thank you.

I'm glad you're in therapy. That's excellent.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

24 minutes ago, Desperate1 said:

 to ask if i could watch his house and if me or my daughter needed b break, we were welcome to stay there. .my therapist calls from no caller ID so its not like i cant answer. 

You need to block and delete him from all devices, messaging apps and social media. 

If your therapist is a licensed qualified therapist, there's an office number you can call back on so you can stop answering suspicious calls.

Apparently, you weren't to firm about ending it if you are talking to him about housesitting. He's in touch because you allow it.

Is this the same man?:

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't replied to his texts, i answered phone once and ended it as soon as he spoke, it was the message that left me a bit unsure as to why he'd think i would reply and yes its the same man. The only problem with changing my number is i am a consultant accountant and many of most of my clients are phone or emails as i'm working from home. If it becomes necessary to change, i will, i'm hoping he'll get fed up. I was firm and i haven't replied to anything but part of me always wonders if he has changed or i'm a being gullible? I have been on a few dates with a guy i actually dated before him and the only reason i didn't pursue was he was a bit full on. This guy i'm dating has a 17 year old disabled son and he is fantastic with him, loving, patient, caring and everything i'm not used to. 

Thanks for the advice guys, i think i knew anyway he'll be bored and need his supply from somewhere or someone.

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You aren't wanting to cut ties with this abuser and that's why you are giving excuses why you "can't" change your number. You seem to be hoping the two of you can reconcile, believing he has "changed". (I hope I'm wrong about this, BTW).

Abusers do not change unless and until two things happen: they admit they are abusive and they attend specific, targeted therapy for abusers. Has he done either of these things?

He is not "bored". He just surmises (correctly, it seems) that you still love and want him. See, abusers aren't easily able to find women who are willing to accept their abuse. So they circle back to the ones they know will accept it. He doesn't want to have to go to the bother of acting nice to a new woman before he brings out the abuse. So he goes back to you because he knows you want to believe he's "changed".

I guarantee once you go back he will start in with the abuse again after a brief "honeymoon period". Except this time it will be worse.

What does your therapist say about your hope that this man has "changed"? Does he or she encourage reconciliation?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK....first of all abusers do not change ever. This hope that he will one day change is what keeps people stuck in toxic relationships and it is quite literally dangerous to your health and well being. Somehow you really do need to disabuse yourself of this hope, this idea that an abuser will magically turn into a good person. It doesn't happen.

As for why he is reaching out like this? Simple - if he keeps doing it, either you'll fool yourself into thinking that this is what love and caring looks like, so you will return for more beatings OR he'll catch you in a vulnerable moment and you'll come back for more beatings. He KNOWS that you are easy to manipulate and victimize, the rest is just patience and perseverance. Much like a lion stalking a prey.

The fact that you are sitting here going....well....maybe...should I....gosh what does this mean.... says a lot about how vulnerable you currently are to more abuse. You still haven't fully accepted that that man is a violent, dangerous monster who will beat you some more if you go back.

Please do not respond and block that number. Put down that hope pipe, because if you keep sucking on it....you will become a statistic.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't want him back in my life at all and my therapist thinks its because he hasn't found another source to feed his supply, he preys on my good nature and always willing to help him in situations he can't get himself out of. I won't reply and next no caller ID i will leave to go to voicemail. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

31 minutes ago, Desperate1 said:

 The only problem with changing my number is i am a consultant accountant and many of most of my clients are phone or emails as i'm working from home.

Exactly. And this is why if you need to contact your therapist you can call their office/number.

Just don't answer no-ID numbers. No need. If it's important they will call from a known number.

Don't disrupt your life/livelihood for some jerk. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Desperate1 said:

Thanks dancingfool, i totally get it and i know he'll never change and it certainly isnt love, its his way of manipulating and hoping if he's nice enough i'll play ball.

He isn't being nice though is he? He is quite literally looking for the right button to push to get you to react/respond.

Don't be surprised if at some point you get some frantic text about how either he or his daughter is in the hospital and he neeeeds your help like right now and you are so special, you are the only one he can turn to in such a time of need and please please help him. Roll your eyes, delete and block. Also, threats of suicide come up often. Again, block and delete. If you know where he is, call authorities to deal with him.

Understand that these types of people will go to extreme lengths to regain control over you, especially when you were the one to break away from them and leave. This is also why changing your number is a good idea even if it's difficult. Either way, brace yourself because he will escalate this and you will have to stay firm and keep on blocking and ignoring no matter what he throws at you.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

26 minutes ago, Desperate1 said:

and always willing to help him in situations he can't get himself out of.

So even after you left him for abusing you, you still "help" him? Why?

It's not "good nature" to do things that are harmful to yourself to appease your abuser. It's actually self destructive.

Does your therapist know you continue to communicate with and "help" him? What does he or she think about that?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't respond to No Caller ID calls. Tell your therapist or her receptionist to email details about your next appointment and you'll call her. You'll be fine as long as you realize that he will never change. You can move on with the rest of your life ok without him and flourish. 

I'm happy to hear you've moved on in a healthier relationship too.

Edited by Rose Mosse
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Desperate1 said:

I'm not communicating with him, i havent replied to anything nor do i intend to. Generally i have a nice nature where i have no problem helping people out, thats all i meant

Ok, that's good. You used present tense ("always willing") so I presumed you are still helping him.

If you get that chill of anxiety every time you get a call or message from an unknown number, you might reconsider your refusal to change your number. It's easy to do so. I did and it only took me about 15 minutes to send my new number to the people I wanted to have it. And what's 15 minutes when it's your peace of mind at stake?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

I was firm and i haven't replied to anything but part of me always wonders if he has changed or i'm a being gullible?

It sounds like you're at war with yourself in regards to holding on to hope, or realizing there's no future with this guy.

I'm sure it's not easy, but once you come to terms with what you're up against, you'll be ready to move on and leave this behind you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

I was firm and i haven't replied to anything but part of me always wonders if he has changed or i'm a being gullible?

Well, you've had 6 years with him... why would he be any different now? 😕 .

As for this new guy... not sure when you two split up- but are YOU ready to be involved again?  Or are you still kinda stuck on your ex?  Do you maybe need some more time to work through your previous relationship experience?

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

For months before we split, he was verbally, mentally, emotionally abusive and could sometimes be violent..... i cant understand why he chooses now to get in touch,

It's called "hoovering." It's what an abuser does when they think their victim is trying to get away.

"This is an attempt to see if a prior target of abuse can be conned into another cycle of abuse, so that the abusive person may reclaim the sense of power and control by causing distress (emotional and sometimes physical) to a target."

https://www.medicinenet.com/what_does_being_hoovered_mean/article.htm

8 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

part of me always wonders if he has changed or i'm a being gullible?

You are being gullible. Watch out, the Hoover is coming for you.

Edited by Jibralta
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will never go back and the guy i am sort of dating i've known for years and he knows everything i have been through so he knows i won't be pushed into a relationship until im ready to be in one. I haven't responded to my ex and won't and know its his way of either trying to get me to help him or because he thinks i'm weak enough to go back. One of the texts i had was to inform me his daughter was being groomed online, which im not surprised at all but again i didnt reply as its nothing to do with me. I called EE last night and now have a new mobile number, he is blocked from social media and i've even blocked emails. I need to move on and learn to love myself enough not to fall for pathetic excuses of men.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is an attempt to see if a prior target of abuse can be conned into another cycle of abuse, so that the abusive person may reclaim the sense of power and control by causing distress (emotional and sometimes physical) to a target."

https://www.medicinenet.com/what_does_being_hoovered_mean/article.htm

Actually a really good read and very apt. Thanks

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have gotten some good advice. There are plenty of ways to stop this, and it's called hanging up, changing your number, shut down your social media or go under a different name, set your settings to private, etc. As for the calls let it go to voice mail or have your therapist text or email you.

I agree he's trying to hoover you back with bait. Letting you borrow something, or invites, or a promise of having your money, etc. You can sure as hell shut that down. I can tell it's got you almost there going back to him and it scares you. I myself have been there. It's not unusual to go back to your abuser several times. I hope you can stay strong, and resist all temptation.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Desperate1 said:

I called EE last night and now have a new mobile number, he is blocked from social media and i've even blocked emails. I need to move on and learn to love myself

This is all excellent.  Instead of worrying about taking care of him (!) you are taking care of you.  Good for you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/30/2021 at 9:35 AM, Desperate1 said:

i cant understand why he chooses now to get in touch, he knows i am dating someone else

You already answered this when you said that he was abusive.

What's so uncharacteristic about him trying to come off as a great guy whenever it suits HIM, and what kind of behavior is certain to follow?

Skip trying to figure him out, and do whatever it takes to ignore him.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...