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Girl I'm seeing is going away for a week and I'm really upset/down


GB11CR7
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She's going camping with her friend and won't be back until next week. She came over earlier for half hour just to say goodbye etc... but I think I acted too needy and now I'm beating myself up. I told her I'd miss her and I didn't have much planned this weekend (probably came across I was sulking) even though we've only been dating 3-4 weeks now I'm so crazy about her, but it's so hard not to come across too full on. I also said I was going to the cinema next Wednesday but was willing to drop it if it meant seeing her a day earlier. She insisted I go to the cinema and we can see each other the day after. I don't want to push her away by seeming too needy and I even said that to her which probably didn't help things. She played it down but Christ, we've been seeing each other barely a month... it's so hard to slow my mind down about her, she's literally all I think about so it makes trying to get on with other areas of my life really hard. I'm really not looking forward to this weekend for example and doing nothing. Yet before I met this girl, I wouldn't have gave it a second thought. For context we've had really good dates so far, like really good, but I'm just scared to death my needyness is going to drive her way. Easy said but I can't remember ever feeling this way about someone before. Any advice or simply slow my roll..?

 

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It sounds like you don't have a lot else going on in your life, OP.

Can you call up some friends or family and make plans for this weekend? You don't need to be sitting around and doing nothing. Start filling up your life with your own actitvities and you will have better balance overall, and naturally not be so anxious when your crush is unavailable. 

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8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It sounds like you don't have a lot else going on in your life, OP.

Can you call up some friends or family and make plans for this weekend? You don't need to be sitting around and doing nothing. Start filling up your life with your own actitvities and you will have better balance overall, and naturally not be so anxious when your crush is unavailable. 

I do and I don't. With friends, I go the gym 3-4 times a week, I'll go to the cinema in the week once a month, we'll go out on a Friday night maybe twice a month. However, everything in between I just can't seem to relax and switch off now. It's strange.

The thing is... I never used to mind spending my weekends doing nothing, but now after spending proper time  with someone again I'm absolutley dreading it and questioning how the hell I did it before.

12 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

Its a good sign that she has a social life aside from you.  What are you afraid of because she is going to be away for a week? This will implode if you are too needy - i am glad you are recognizing it.

It's a great sign and in a joking way I sort of said to her sorry if I'm making this about me in any way (when I said I'll be bored), and told her she'll have a great time.

It's a good question... what am I afraid of? Essentially I'm digging my own grave here... instead of just being cool with her going away and having a great time I'm letting on I'm sad about it. Why am I doing this? We're getting on great and it's stuff like this which would probably turn her off me. So frustrated with myself. 😣

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3 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

I never used to mind spending my weekends doing nothing, but now after spending proper time  with someone again I'm absolutley dreading it

It's probably a fear of rejection kicking in. 

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26 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

I can't remember ever feeling this way about someone before. Any advice or simply slow my roll..?

Excellent. You're head over heals and that's fine. Just relax, catch up with stuff, chill out, hang with friends, get to a barber, get some date clothes, then plan something romantic and fun for when she gets back.

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5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's probably a fear of rejection kicking in. 

Deep down I know it's this. It's almost as if my brain is trying to create problems/situations when there isn't any.

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. You're head over heals and that's fine. Just relax, catch up with stuff, chill out, hang with friends, get to a barber, get some date clothes, then plan something romantic and fun for when she gets back.

Thanks, I seriously need to do these... especially 'relax'.

Why on earth do I feel like I've blown it?

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35 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

I'm just scared to death my needyness is going to drive her way.

And it will, OP, if you don't get on top of that neediness.

You realize how crazily desperate  that sounds. 

36 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

she's literally all I think about

 

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Because your anxiety is steering your ship.

How have you managed anxiety in the past?

Running helped me during my breakup back in January.

2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

And it will, OP, if you don't get on top of that neediness.

You realize how crazily desperate  that sounds. 

 

What do I do now then? I was half tempted to apologise for how I acted earlier (whenever she texts me)... shall I not do that?

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Just now, GB11CR7 said:

I was half tempted to apologise for how I acted earlier... shall I not do that?

No! Lay back, be cool and resume when she gets back.

Use "absence makes the heart grow fonder" as your relaxation mantra this week.

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2 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

What do I do now then? I was half tempted to apologise for how I acted earlier (whenever she texts me)... shall I not do that?

Please please don't do or say anything like that. Chill out.

First of all, you didn't blow anything. Telling someone that you'll miss them while they are gone is normal, also endearing. It's seeking to take it back, apologizing for it and making it all weird and awkward that you don't want to get into. It's not wrong how you feel and it's not bad to express that.

So for the love of....stop being so harsh and critical of yourself and then start freaking out and taking it all back. You said it, you meant it, stand by that. When you guys chat, be normal, upbeat (not fake) just ask her about her trip, DO something with your time so you have something to share even if it's "I saw this cool thing on Netflix". It doesn't matter really so long as you are not sitting around pining and apologizing for nothing.

Secondly, do get off your arse and make yourself get out and do whatever you need to do or catch up with - haircut, shopping, errands, meet up with friends, get your oil change or your house cleaned. It doesn't have to be fancy stuff, but get busy and get it done so you have something else to focus on besides beating yourself up over nothing.

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1 hour ago, GB11CR7 said:

I also said I was going to the cinema next Wednesday but was willing to drop it if it meant seeing her a day earlier. She insisted I go to the cinema and we can see each other the day after.

And she is right. Also dont ever do that, meaning drop your plans like that. Not only it makes you "needy" but people tend to get used by other people if they are like that. She(or anybody else in your life) needs to know you have other plans and life of your own and that you cant just drop it all for them. Not saying she is like that(she seems pretty sweet) just that you shouldnt do that in general. So, go to cinema and see her on Thursday as planned. Also it is pretty concerning that she preoccupies all your life. You need to have life on your own as does she. So, if she is on camping you do your stuff. Go see some friends, get coffee or beer with them if you want, read a book, watch some movie, watch Olympics if that is your thing. Its not healthy for a relationship to be that obsessed with her and you know that.

22 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

What do I do now then? I was half tempted to apologise for how I acted earlier (whenever she texts me)... shall I not do that?

Apologize for what? Aside of being "needy" which is not really desirable property to have, you didnt do anything bad. Cool it down, send her maybe some message to see what she is doing and if she is having fun and wait for Thursday to see her.

Edited by Kwothe28
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13 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Please please don't do or say anything like that. Chill out.

First of all, you didn't blow anything. Telling someone that you'll miss them while they are gone is normal, also endearing. It's seeking to take it back, apologizing for it and making it all weird and awkward that you don't want to get into. It's not wrong how you feel and it's not bad to express that.

So for the love of....stop being so harsh and critical of yourself and then start freaking out and taking it all back. You said it, you meant it, stand by that. When you guys chat, be normal, upbeat (not fake) just ask her about her trip, DO something with your time so you have something to share even if it's "I saw this cool thing on Netflix". It doesn't matter really so long as you are not sitting around pining and apologizing for nothing.

Secondly, do get off your arse and make yourself get out and do whatever you need to do or catch up with - haircut, shopping, errands, meet up with friends, get your oil change or your house cleaned. It doesn't have to be fancy stuff, but get busy and get it done so you have something else to focus on besides beating yourself up over nothing.

Thank you so much, you've made me feel a helluva lot better after reading this.

She actually just text me asking whether I'd had my takeout (I said I was going to order some take-out food earlier before she left) so don't think I've scared her off just yet 😅

Gonna leave her to it whilst I buck my ideas up and relax a bit...

6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

And she is right. Also dont ever do that, meaning drop your plans like that. Not only it makes you "needy" but people tend to get used by other people if they are like that. She(or anybody else in your life) needs to know you have other plans and life of your own and that you cant just drop it all for them. Not saying she is like that(she seems pretty sweet) just that you shouldnt do that in general. So, go to cinema and see her on Thursday as planned. Also it is pretty concerning that she preoccupies all your life. You need to have life on your own as does she. So, if she is on camping you do your stuff. Go see some friends, get coffee or beer with them if you want, read a book, watch some movie, watch Olypics if that is your thing. Its not healthy for a relationship to be that obsessed with her and you know that.

Apologize for what? Aside of being "needy" which is not really desirable property to have, you didnt do anything bad. Cool it down, send her maybe some message to see what she is doing and if she is having fun and wait for Thursday to see her.

As above, I'm not just saying this but I really needed some kick up the ***, so thanks for being straight. She is preoccuping my life far too much I will admit! Thanks for the suggestions, I actually love the Olympics but haven't spent much of the first week watching any.

 

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4 hours ago, GB11CR7 said:

Running helped me during my breakup back in January.

So, you had a relationship end a few months ago.. Is that under the bridge now?  You over all of that? - Not sure if it was long term?

Just wondering.. IF it may be the cause of your behaviour? (anxiety w/ new gal).

 

4 hours ago, GB11CR7 said:

What do I do now then? I was half tempted to apologise for how I acted earlier

No. Worst thing to do is keep on appologizing.

You leave things be.  You keep on doing... Don't lose yourself in this.

She's still got a life outside the relationship, as should you.

 

If a partner keeps showing insecurities ..then apologies, it will set the other person off, eventually.

Try deep breathes... try to calm your mind, yes be active, get out for some air etc.

 

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Oh buddy, you need to lighten up!  You will indeed chase her away if you dont learn to chill out.  It's only a week that she will be away!  You need to hang out with friends, go to work if you have a job, go to the gym etc do things that you like.

Dont be apologizing for anything, as you didnt do anything wrong - yet.  But you will if you dont get a handle on your emotions.

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6 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

So, you had a relationship end a few months ago.. Is that under the bridge now?  You over all of that? - Not sure if it was long term?

Just wondering.. IF it may be the cause of your behaviour? (anxiety w/ new gal).

 

No. Worst thing to do is keep on appologizing.

You leave things be.  You keep on doing... Don't lose yourself in this.

She's still got a life outside the relationship, as should you.

 

If a partner keeps showing insecurities ..then apologies, it will set the other person off, eventually.

Try deep breathes... try to calm your mind, yes be active, get out for some air etc.

 

Very much under the bridge. I don't think that is helping. I was with my ex for a long time but I knew I didn't see a future with her, or that I even loved her, so I had to let her go. Now I've actually met someone I'm head over heels for I'm scared of messing it up. I'm probably also scared of karma coming back round to bite me and that she's going to reject me at some point.

I've had a good nights sleep and feel better. I had another text off her last night before I went to sleep saying she's glad she came round before she went, so if that isn't reassurance I don't know what is.

48 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Where's your self-esteem, OP?

You seem terrified of making any slight misstep. Have you been dumped out of the blue before or something?

In the gutter I think! I think she's catching on to this too. I guess the first step is that I'm starting to recognise my behaviours...

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27 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

In the gutter I think! I think she's catching on to this too. I guess the first step is that I'm starting to recognise my behaviours...

And where do you suppose this lack of self-confidence stems from? 

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3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

And where do you suppose this lack of self-confidence stems from? 

Not sure. Always pondered this question. Never had any issues at home whilst growing up despite my parents splitting when I was 6. I'm also quite introverted and probably cared too much what others think of me but it's not exactly a switch I can just turn off. This is why I'm treading super careful and not wanting to mess this up.

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Don't worry so much. You are just really attracted to her that's all and probably should just focus on doing something productive while she's away like going to the gym, trip, studying, working, learning new things, going out with friends, etc. etc.

To be honest, you definitely are not the only one who has felt this way. Many guys have.

The funny thing is that women get turned off when a guy acts needy, whereas for men not so much. I was going to go on a trip this weekend a girl wrote me she would be a bit sad and was a tiny bit needy. That didn't bother me one bit on a scale of 0-10, a big fat ZERO but for a majority of women it's a turn off...

Definitely don't apologize or bring it up. Best is to be positive, let her enjoy time with a friend, and to make up with the neediness, I would back off a bit and give her the space to reach out to you when she feels like it at least for now...

You gotta learn to love/care for a woman in a way she feels free to come and go as she wants...

 

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I understand, and I think that most of us have been where you are to at least some degree.

Celebrate how great it is to meet someone who WOWs you like this--and she's interested in YOU!

So.... just as you can drill your mind downward into an anxiety pit, you CAN use your intelligence in your own favor to either climb your way out OR prevent yourself from taking yourself down in the first place.

Trust that this is so, and research ways to shift the critical voice you run in your head to the voice of an inspiring coach.

It might help to picture someone you admire or search some coaches on YouTube or whatever and find an inspiring voice that resonates with you.

From there, whenever you start drilling, question what that coach would say to you in response to your catastrophic thinking.

As with any habit, our internal voice can be changed, so experiment with motivating yourself TOWARD some interests and goals that don't revolve around posing for another.

If you find that this is not possible for you, then that does not make you a freak. It means that reaching for some help from a therapist who is trained to help people learn how to manage anxiety is something to consider.

People have no problem hiring a plumber or a tax preparer for skills that they don't possess. I view hiring a therapist the same way. 

Head high, and congrAts again for meeting someone fabulous.

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10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

reaching for some help from a therapist who is trained to help people learn how to manage anxiety is something to consider.

People have no problem hiring a plumber or a tax preparer for skills that they don't possess. I view hiring a therapist the same way. 

Fully agree Cat.  

OP, that anxiety will be your undoing so please do seek help. 

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