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Male neighbor knocks on my door


LoreliFinn
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A man lives next door. We can each other's balconies.  Sometimes I see him peeking at me when you I'm watering my plants outside.

I live alone and not dating at the moment.  He uses a walker.  I ran into him a couple of times and his personality seemed a bit harsh.  I'm very soft spoken and gentle.

One day there was a knock at my door.  It was him in the hall with his walker. He started complaining he's having various problems, including how large his electricity bill is. I was flabbergasted.  I only stood there for 2 minutes and said I had to go.

I have a history of getting involved with men who are not good for me.  I'm too nice, I'm told.

I don't want to rule out dating a really great guy in the future.  

Is this guy a red flag?  Does it sound like he wants a woman to be his nurse maid?  It would have been better for him to knock on my door and simply ask me for coffee.  Maybe he's socially inept?

 

 

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Are you looking to date? Are you interested in him? 

If not, why would you go out with coffee if he asked? It doesn't seem like you two jive well, as you remark that his personality is harsh and seemed annoyed that he knocked on your door to gripe randomly. 

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If I felt the urge to close my door on someone after 2 minutes, I certainly wouldn't bother trying to rule him in OR out as dating material.

I'd just be kind whenever our paths cross as neighbors, and I'd look into dating apps to screen profiles and set up quick meets over coffee with men who haven't already proven that I can't stand them beyond a couple minutes.

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I would be ok to get back into dating. Not with with the wrong guy though.  The fact he has a walker and came to my door to gripe has me concerned I should pass this one by.

I've had a coffee date with this type in the past and all he did was talk about himself.  He called me several times after the date and wanted to discuss more problems!

Is this just the way men are these days, at first? Self centered?

 

 

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OP, consider that others tell you that you are "too nice" because you are giving people chances when it's very clear very early on that they are not right for you.

You don't owe everyone a sit-down type date or meetup. If you are not allowing yourself to rule out dating prospects by first impressions or other early signs, then you're asking for a world of hurt and wasted time.

Self-centered men are just that, self-centered. Don't put up with bad or subpar behavior hoping that it will somehow "get better". It won't.

There's a saying out there: When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. 

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14 minutes ago, LoreliFinn said:

The fact he has a walker and came to my door to gripe has me concerned I should pass this one by.

Pass him by for what?  I'm sorry if I missed it, but did he ask you for a date?

If not, why are you worrying about any of this?

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1 hour ago, LoreliFinn said:

Is this guy a red flag?  Does it sound like he wants a woman to be his nurse maid?  It would have been better for him to knock on my door and simply ask me for coffee.  Maybe he's socially inept?

 

 

You're getting way, WAY ahead of yourself here.

It sounds to me like he just wants somebody to complain to.

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Hard to say, but maybe he's got some mental issues if he thinks it's ok to knock on a neighbour's door and complain about his bills.  Why do you think he's asking for a date?  I didnt get that out of your post at all.  I'd have said I gotta go too, after about a minute.  

Your train of thought on this escapes me.

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I suspect it's his way of showing interest.  He lives alone and I never see any visitors over there.  He watches me from his balcony sometimes.  Peeking through curtains too.

I wasn't impressed with his interest.  One person said maybe he just wanted to vent  to someone.  Lonely possibly.

My guess is if he was to act like a man ask me for coffee instead, I may be listening to his sad, sorry life.  I'm done being taken advantage of people because of my caring, empathetic nature.  It happens way too often.

 

 

 

 

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Take a pass on this guy.  He is almost a complete stranger and he started griping right off the bat, could you imagine what it would be like if you knew him and he felt like he could open up to you?  YIKES!

  I am sure you can do better don't you think?   Why do men need to choose you?  Why don't you get to choose?

Lost

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This man sounds mentally ill and potentially a stalker. Keep your distance and be very careful. I had a neighbour do this to me and he turned out to be a predator and I had to move to get away from him. Don’t hesitate to call the police if he keeps showing up at your door uninvited.

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2 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

I suspect it's his way of showing interest.  

How old is he? No. He's not trying to date you. He seems like the typical home bound senior who just talks to people about problems.

 

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He looks in his late 60's.

Well, that's a relief.  I'm afraid most older seniors I meet are grumpy.  They have stopped me in this building non stop to discuss how they hate the government, are being ripped off or their sore hip or knee.

How tiring.

 

 

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8 minutes ago, LoreliFinn said:

He looks in his late 60's. most older seniors I meet are grumpy.  They have stopped me in this building non stop to discuss 

How tiring

Are you in a senior/over 55 living complex?

This is day to day life. Try not to become one of those "old grumpy seniors". There's no such thing as someone who's "too nice". 

Relax. Everybody likes to vent...just like you're doing here.

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5 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

A man lives next door. We can each other's balconies.  Sometimes I see him peeking at me when you I'm watering my plants outside.

I live alone and not dating at the moment.  He uses a walker.  I ran into him a couple of times and his personality seemed a bit harsh.  I'm very soft spoken and gentle.

One day there was a knock at my door.  It was him in the hall with his walker. He started complaining he's having various problems, including how large his electricity bill is. I was flabbergasted.  I only stood there for 2 minutes and said I had to go.

I have a history of getting involved with men who are not good for me.  I'm too nice, I'm told.

I don't want to rule out dating a really great guy in the future.  

Is this guy a red flag?  Does it sound like he wants a woman to be his nurse maid?  It would have been better for him to knock on my door and simply ask me for coffee.  Maybe he's socially inept?

 

 

Seems harsh, has an obvious disability and started telling you about his problems without actually knowing anything about you.

I don't want to give anyone the impression at all that someone with a disability is undateable.

Quite the opposite, actually. There are some wonderful disabled people who would make great partners.

However, some people don't cope well with being disabled, and it can make them very bitter.

I am wondering if that's the case with this man.

He has given off red flags already, most definitely.

I would advise you to not get involved, but that's just my two cents.

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9 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

This man sounds mentally ill and potentially a stalker. Keep your distance and be very careful. I had a neighbour do this to me and he turned out to be a predator and I had to move to get away from him. Don’t hesitate to call the police if he keeps showing up at your door uninvited.

Could probably avoid the police route if you threaten to Vaudeville Hook his walker the next time he knocks on your door. 😝

Should keep him away. 

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15 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

I would be ok to get back into dating. Not with with the wrong guy though.  The fact he has a walker and came to my door to gripe has me concerned I should pass this one by.

I've had a coffee date with this type in the past and all he did was talk about himself.  He called me several times after the date and wanted to discuss more problems!

Is this just the way men are these days, at first? Self centered?

 

 

Wow what a leap -from one interaction with a neighbor to generalizing about all men being self centered? Why would you need to go there and judge all men? It sounds to me like your standard is that a person who is male interacted with you and therefore you should consider going on a date with him even though you don't find him appealing.  So, following up on what you speculated about all men -are all women these days this desperate for a date?  Of course not.  Just saying.  No, don't go on a date with someone you don't enjoy speaking with.  

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13 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

if he was to act like a man ask me for coffee instead, I may be listening to his sad, sorry life.  I'm done being taken advantage of people because of my caring, empathetic nature.

I don't think too much empathy is your problem.

I think you are getting taken advantage of because you don't stand up for yourself, or you have weak or poor boundaries. 

 

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6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think too much empathy is your problem.

I think you are getting taken advantage of because you don't stand up for yourself, or you have weak or poor boundaries. 

 

People who are empathetic care from a place of self confidence and appropriate boundaries.  You seem hostile and suspicious likely because you don't have a secure sense of self, boundaries and values so you're a target for people to bend your ear with their issues. Most people who felt uncomfortable would have not opened the door or opened and made an excuse about being busy.  But you chose to open the door- literally and figuratively.  That part is on you.

Edited by Batya33
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16 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

I ran into him a couple of times and his personality seemed a bit harsh.  I'm very soft spoken and gentle.

You two were just 'talking' kinda.  I don't know where you're coming up with any idea of dating him? 

Can you not just see about possibly 'being friends'?

No more... is that possible?

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

You two were just 'talking' kinda.  I don't know where you're coming up with any idea of dating him? 

Can you not just see about possibly 'being friends'?

No more... is that possible?

I personally see no basis for a friendship here -she already assumes he is self centered.

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I personally see no basis for a friendship here -she already assumes he is self centered.

I just saw that part about her wondering why he didn't just ask her out for a coffee... although she mentioned he seemed a bit harsh.

So, I am not sure what she is wanting?

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3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I just saw that part about her wondering why he didn't just ask her out for a coffee... although she mentioned he seemed a bit harsh.

So, I am not sure what she is wanting?

I think she is desperate to date so because a male who is alive and breathing knocked on her door she's considering going on a date even though she doesn't like or respect him enough to wonder if all men are self-centered these days.  Desperate to date doesn't mean she wants him in the least.  She just is afraid of being "alone" so she's willing to settle in this way.

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