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So my ex boyfriend and I broke up a year ago. I don't know how he handled it but I cried, went no contact, and tried replying his messages as late as I could. However we ended up becoming friends 4 months ago and really good ones at that.

What bothers me is that I still love him and he too told me a week ago that he's always been in love with me but has been trying to hold himself. Problem is none of us wants to get back into the relationship cus both of us attest to the fact that it was hard.

Yet we are still so intimate as friends as though we were together. We always spend time together, touch, give intimate hugs and even mistakenly kissed once.

Do I cut this guy off completely, set boundaries or just totally give in to the fact that we still love each but are not ready for a relationship?

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Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

Being together with him without a committed relationship as you are right now is causing you to suffer. 

  • If you are confident that you two would not run into the same problems in a committed relationship, then make that you want a relationship known. 
  • Otherwise, if you think that you would fall into the same patterns, then you should ask for space from him and go no contact, so you can heal. You could tell him that you are open to reconciliation down the road, but only after you both have worked on the habits that led to the relationship's downfall.

How was the relationship difficult? Have you worked on the ways you contributed to that difficulty? Has he? 

--

Hope this helps.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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There's no way that I'd FWB with an ex. Either I want in or out, and if I want in, then he gets to decide whether he's all-in or all-out with me.

I don't need to make the choice. If he doesn't bring the relationship I want to the table, then he's out.

Nothing 'confusing' about that.

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I think i already told here the methaphor for going back to old loves. Its like throwing feather pillow through window of the building on the street. You can maybe collect some feathers and rebuild a pillow a bit, but it can never be the same. You guys both feel that and hence why both have reservations about renewing relationship. What is worst, it keeps both of you from moving forward. So, if you are not going back together, you need time off.

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I had an FWB arrangement with an ex.  But I didn't love him anymore and I didn't want him back and I didn't have any hurt feelings about him.  Frankly, I just wanted to use his body to get off.

He thought it meant I was still madly in love with him but he was wrong.  I eventually had to stop because he thought he had some kind of rights to my time just because every so often we had sex.

These things only work if BOTH parties have zero feelings of love or regret toward one another.

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8 hours ago, Tamika 43 said:

Do I cut this guy off completely, set boundaries or just totally give in to the fact that we still love each but are not ready for a relationship?

Why accept this nebulous situationship? Free yourself to find a man who cares about you.

Is this the same man?:

 

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I would cut him off - especially if you talking about the same guy as your last thread. 

Your friendship is going to come a painful, sudden halt when he meets someone else and no longer wants you in his life so much. 

"Not ready for a relationship" sounds like code for "he doesn't want a relaitonship with me anymore but I can't quite accept that yet", girl. I'm sure he'd be ready if he truly wanted it. 

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Remove yourself completely, so you CAN work on accepting & healing.  You can do none of this by continuing to interact with him... and stop being so 'generous' in every way.

Is fine & normal to 'have feelings'.  Takes time to work thru all of those emotions... and move on.  This is just prolonging it all.

You two are NOT together anymore.  You broke up for reasons.. and I am sure those issue's have not been dealt with (fixed), right?  So, you know this is not a good scenario.

You know that saying... 'All or nothing'.

Be done now.

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18 hours ago, Tamika 43 said:

So my ex boyfriend and I broke up a year ago. I don't know how he handled it but I cried, went no contact, and tried replying his messages as late as I could. However we ended up becoming friends 4 months ago and really good ones at that.

What bothers me is that I still love him and he too told me a week ago that he's always been in love with me but has been trying to hold himself. Problem is none of us wants to get back into the relationship cus both of us attest to the fact that it was hard.

Yet we are still so intimate as friends as though we were together. We always spend time together, touch, give intimate hugs and even mistakenly kissed once.

Do I cut this guy off completely, set boundaries or just totally give in to the fact that we still love each but are not ready for a relationship?

I don't think this is about being not ready.  He's not that into you so he's not interested in being a couple with you. And if you think it's too "hard" to be in a romantic relationship then you're not that into him either.  You have feelings of love and those feelings don't connect up to wanting to commit to him or he to you.  Much easier to have feelings of love without the responsibility of commitment, without acting in an effort to be a healthy couple.

 Ask yourself if you're comfortable with him telling you who he is trying to date or dating.  That's what good friends discuss.  Among other things.  If you can't then you cannot be good friends with him right now.  

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It sounds more like friends with doubts than friends with benefits. 

I made up my mind a long time ago never again to live in limbo of a situation so I can only tell you that where you feel that you are shortchanged or stuck/not improving or growing in a situation, move on. It may be difficult and trying to switch gears but do it and you'll thank yourself later.

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On 7/28/2021 at 6:04 PM, Tamika 43 said:

Yet we are still so intimate as friends as though we were together. We always spend time together, touch, give intimate hugs and even mistakenly kissed once.

Do I cut this guy off completely, set boundaries or just totally give in to the fact that we still love each but are not ready for a relationship?

I think you have to set strong boundaries. If you can't do that, then you have to cut him off completely.

I frequently remember an ex boyfriend who set strong boundaries with me. We had broken up, but he was still my date for my friend's wedding. We got a hotel because it was 8 hours away. I thought it could be the start of a lovely friends with benefits type situation, but as soon as he realized we weren't getting back together, he shut me down. I admired that about him, even though it was a little annoying at the time lol. Good for him. 

Do what's good for you. 

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