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Upset about friend's hens


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3 minutes ago, indea08 said:

If this is the case, maybe it’s more the “hens” who are taking advantage of you than it is the bride. You don’t know these women, feel free to set your limits wherever you see fit. “Look, I’ll buy X and Y but I’m not here to foot 1/3 or more of the bill. I’m happy to help to an extent, but that’s it.” Period. No further explanation needed. Stay in line with your own goals and only give as much as you’re comfortable with.

Well what I'm thinking is I'll try to buy only cheap headbands like $2 ones preferably. And I can get a bit of balloons but not too many. I was originally thinking of getting her a greeting card and a small present but I won't do that now. I would have thought R could have asked her other bridesmaid to buy some stuff too. I mean she didn't invite me to her wedding so why does she expect me to pay for all this stuff. 

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Clearly you need to rent a giant penis costume and follow Viv around asking "if this is okay?"

Seriously though, if in your shoes I was still considering the hen party and you're willing to drop a a little for straws etc, just send a list to R and to hades with Viv. Viv sounds like she's a control freak who either wants to be the hero of the moment or some puritanical weirdo.

As to Ceremony vs reception, I have been to two that were that way. They had a limited budget for food, so only invited a small handful of people for the reception, and it was really just a meal not a big shindig. But either way it's up to you if you want to spend your time on any of this.

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1 minute ago, Coily said:

Clearly you need to rent a giant penis costume and follow Viv around asking "if this is okay?"

Seriously though, if in your shoes I was still considering the hen party and you're willing to drop a a little for straws etc, just send a list to R and to hades with Viv. Viv sounds like she's a control freak who either wants to be the hero of the moment or some puritanical weirdo.

As to Ceremony vs reception, I have been to two that were that way. They had a limited budget for food, so only invited a small handful of people for the reception, and it was really just a meal not a big shindig. But either way it's up to you if you want to spend your time on any of this.

Well, the penis straws I actually already have lol I got them when I was going to get married myself but I didn't get married, so she can have them. Yeah honestly my biggest problem with this was with Viv's behaviour. She was an absolute cow. I literally did nothing wrong and she just went off at me. And this is when she knew I was helping her organise the hens and I'm not even a bridesmaid or anything. If I wasn't helping she'd have to do it alone. I mean to be honest I was previously considering giving R a small gift and card for inviting me to the hens and wedding ceremony but I guess now I'll just buy that stuff and that's it.

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37 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah the whole thing now has just become very awkward. I feel like the other bridesmaid who is coming should have offered to pay for some things too but she never did. All she did was have a go at me about some total bs. She was actually left on her own to organise the hens and I stepped up to help and she was acting really rude. To be honest that was the main thing that made me angry. She's the bride's best friend and bridesmaid so why is she acting like this? But what makes it awkward is my friend herself has not been rude to me per se and she's the one who is the bride and this night is for her. I've been put in an extremely uncomfortable situation and I actually don't really know how to get out of it. Or if to bother getting out of it at all and maybe just go through with the whole thing and then forget about it.

I understand....

you're in a tough spot.  I probably would tell the bride "your bff was a total b**** to me and I'm only trying to help. 

Or I would message the girl back and say... I want you to know, I don't appreciate the way you spoke to me. I'm not even in this bridal party! but I am trying to help.

It doesn't matter if some time passed.  she's the one that was a jerk and you have every right to tell someone you don't appreciate being treated a certain way. 

It may clear the air. or at least you'll get it off your chest. 

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6 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I understand....

you're in a tough spot.  I probably would tell the bride "your bff was a total b**** to me and I'm only trying to help. 

Or I would message the girl back and say... I want you to know, I don't appreciate the way you spoke to me. I'm not even in this bridal party! but I am trying to help.

It doesn't matter if some time passed.  she's the one that was a jerk and you have every right to tell someone you don't appreciate being treated a certain way. 

It may clear the air. or at least you'll get it off your chest. 

Well yeah to be honest I'm really not a fan of her now and I've never even met her. And everything she was saying was absolutely garbage as well. Because she said to me don't make it about sex but the bride herself actually wanted penis straws! It's like did she not even care what the actual bride wants. And I'm getting all those things she wants for her. I'm not sure if Viv has some kind of mental health problems or maybe she got jealous I'm helping or something. Mind you this is like a 38-year-old woman! She's an absolute moo cow lol

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23 minutes ago, Lambert said:

your bff was a total b**** 

Ts ts ts language. This is how ladies talk:

26 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

She was an absolute cow. 

 

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6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

what I'm really angry about is that Viv was so rude to me for basically no reason and went off at me even though it was HER that said about Magic Mike male strippers. Also R and I are not close at all and I feel like she's just using me to help plan the hens because her other bridesmaid can't actually come. I'm not even invited to the wedding!

First, I thought all was okay with you NOT attending the actual wedding, as you two were not 'that close'?

Second, how you  saw the post reaction ( in words) but not voice, can really change how you see any response.

I don't see this as someone flipping out on you.. More like a reaction (as in speaking up & saying don't').

IMO, you either can handle this 'help' you have agreed on, or speak up now and say NO.

 

You could just let R know you can't afford these requests and are limited.. See IF she offers to cover the costs?

(Are all of them pitching in somehow? )

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6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

First, I thought all was okay with you NOT attending the actual wedding, as you two were not 'that close'?

Second, how you  saw the post reaction ( in words) but not voice, can really change how you see any response.

I don't see this as someone flipping out on you.. More like a reaction (as in speaking up & saying don't').

IMO, you either can handle this 'help' you have agreed on, or speak up now and say NO.

 

You could just let R know you can't afford these requests and are limited.. See IF she offers to cover the costs?

(Are all of them pitching in somehow? )

Well she afterwards messaged me privately and she said this:

Also I just re-read the Facebook message that bridesmaid Viv sent me. So as I explained, I had made a post like a few weeks before asking what is the dress code and will there be penis themed things. The bridesmaid Cat replied nicely and said penis straws are OK but nothing overboard. Then all of sudden a few weeks later Viv commented something really abrupt on that post like she was having a go. Then she private messaged me and said: "R just wants to relax with us girls and she doesn't want to think about men or sex. I kind of triggered an anxiety attack when I mentioned Magic Mike. So can we please not make this about sex. This is a GIRLS ONLY night." So I apologised and said I didn't know and she was like: "Well we are on the same page and we good now." So the whole conversation was like I'd been saying all this stuff about sex and I had to beg her apology when I HADN'T. I simply asked what is the dress code and will there be penis things. I did not say there SHOULD be penis things and I also said nothing else at all. SHE was the one who said about Magic Mike but she went off at me for some really weird reason? But what adds the cherry on top is the other bridesmaid Cat asked me to actually get penis straws. And R, the bride, confirmed she wants me to bring them. So what in the actual was Viv talking about??!
 

What made me upset was the way she just projected onto me. And it's true that I can't necessarily read actual tone of voice or body language just from reading text. But we had literally never spoken before that or met and that was the only messages she sent me. It's OK to give me a heads up but I think not in that tone. She was left to organise everything by herself and I was actually trying to help which she should have appreciated. In the group chat Viv just said that she booked the restaurant and that seemed to be it. However I'm not sure if she'll be bringing things she hadn't mentioned or what. I would actually be more OK with buying those things if Viv seemed nice and actually even remotely approachable. How am I meant to be organising this with her when she just jumped down my throat. The thing is I simply asked a question and also the bride said she wants me to buy penis straws. So it doesn't seem like I had actually offended her. The Magic Mike thing triggered her for some reason but that had absolutely nothing to do with me. Viv was the one saying it. So to message me so abruptly and be like "Don't make this about sex" like I was the one that upset R. And writing "This is a GIRLS ONLY event". Putting things in capitals usually means you're yelling or trying to reiterate something to the person because they're dumb or you're annoyed at them.

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I would just say, you are called away on a work trip, and can't make it now. Sorry. HUGS and Kisses.  

Save your money...wait you were invited to the ceremony, but not the reception? EW. Usually it's the other way around to save space.

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5 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I would just say, you are called away on a work trip, and can't make it now. Sorry. HUGS and Kisses.  

Save your money...wait you were invited to the ceremony, but not the reception? EW. Usually it's the other way around to save space.

Well the reception does cost a lot of money so that actually kind of made sense.

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What is really confusing is that the other bridesmaid Cat actually sounded nice. I said OK I will get the balloons and she replied: "Thanks you so much too you guys are amazing people it just kills me the situation here in that I can’t get down there also that unless there is a miracle I won’t be able to go to the wedding either". 

Viv hasn't even seen the messages and wasn't replying so it kind of sounded like she said that to me. The whole thing has just been really weird for me to be honest. I've never been in this kind of situation before. Like why did R even ask me to help. Surely she must have at least one friend coming to the hens who is closer than me to her. I just looked over some of my Facebook messages with R and we did have some small conversations here and there. Last year I think she messaged "Hey Happy New Year".

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This drama is so unnecessary on so many levels and the saddest thing about this all is that you don't even really know these people!

Yes you are being used. Yes this is all nonsense. And no, this isn't worth it. 

For what? for possible friendships down the road? 

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Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

This drama is so unnecessary on so many levels and the saddest thing about this all is that you don't even really know these people!

Yes you are being used. Yes this is all nonsense. And no, this isn't worth it. 

For what? for possible friendships down the road? 

Well I know R but not the others. I don't actually have any interest in being friends with Viv of course. If any of the women who come to the hens are actually nice then I'd be open to getting to know them. R knows some of my friends too and we have mutual friends and acquaintances on Facebook sort of thing. My feeling about R was that I'm happy to be acquaintances and chat on Facebook and comment on each other's posts occasionally. I didn't mind catching up maybe sometimes but also at the same time I wasn't super pumped about it and basically never really asked her to hang out and vice versa. But I wasn't going to cut her off and have nothing to do with her. I was fine with coming to her hens and ceremony up until Viv was a cow. Which I can't necessarily blame R for because they're not actually the same person. I had no interest in that drama and I actually didn't even say anything. I'm posting about it here but I didn't actually say anything to any of them and I'm acting perfectly nice and polite. I thought there was no harm in going to the hens or even helping with it. If for example Viv was nice and was friendly to me and instead messaged me saying let's come up with some ideas together and buy things together.

The problem is I did say I'd get those headbands and balloons and I actually don't know how to get out of it now.

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Just now, Tinydance said:

I thought there was no harm in going to the hens or even helping with it. If for example Viv was nice and was friendly to me and instead messaged me saying let's come up with some ideas together and buy things together.

So is it because you get a kick out of party planning?  I know people like this and that's cool- almost like a fun hobby to some.  But if not - then -why go to any trouble at all planning an event for an acquaintance who doesn't want to even spend the $ for you to be there for her party and enjoy after you spend -presumably hours- planning an event in honor of her wedding?  Like others I'm confused about your motives given the context.

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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So is it because you get a kick out of party planning?  I know people like this and that's cool- almost like a fun hobby to some.  But if not - then -why go to any trouble at all planning an event for an acquaintance who doesn't want to even spend the $ for you to be there for her party and enjoy after you spend -presumably hours- planning an event in honor of her wedding?  Like others I'm confused about your motives given the context.

Well I think maybe I just misunderstood how it was going to turn out. I was already going as a guest to the hens event and to be honest I don't even know on what grounds I could have said I can't help with the hens night. The only thing I could have probably said would be something like: "I'm sorry but I feel shy to help because I don't know the other people." Which would actually be an obvious lie because everyone that knows me knows I'm confident and outgoing and I like putting on parties and events. Which might also be why R asked me to help. As I don't actually know the bridesmaids, I didn't envision Viv to be so rude. To be honest that's probably my main problem with this. And just frustration at the whole situation in general. Like for example being contacted by Viv acting like I offended the bride. So I apologised and removed my post. But then actually being asked by the bride and other bridesmaid to buy the penis straws. I was just really confused. And just confused why I was even part of all this. But prior to knowing how it was going to turn out I didn't have a problem with helping a bit like Googling things or making some calls. I asked them what I can do to help and Viv was just ignoring me and not responding to anything I was saying. But the other bridesmaid seemed nice and she asked if I could do the decorations. So I was like, OK. I mean as I said I was actually going to get R a small gift and card so I guess since she asked me personally to help I figured I wasn't going to get her anything and I would just help with hens night.

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7 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Tiny.  A practical answer. 

Deliver the darn things to whoever's door and leave it at that. Or rather get someone to deliver them there, boxed and ready.

 

Well if I'm going to pay for that stuff then I'll go to the hens event. I think after all that I deserve that much lol

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I don’t relate sorry. I am fine with saying no to party planning when I’m not invited to the main party or close with the bride.  Many people decline to be bridesmaids and still attend the wedding. “Sorry but I really don’t have time now to do a proper job of planning and I would hate to let anyone down “.  Of course it’s ok to say no to an acquaintance just like she let you know you’re not worth the price of a plate at her wedding celebration.  But you should spend hours planning a party for her ??  What nerve. 

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

But what adds the cherry on top is the other bridesmaid Cat asked me to actually get penis straws. And R, the bride, confirmed she wants me to bring them. So what in the actual was Viv talking about??!

I see.. well, the one who chooses best is the Bride.. right? 😉 

So, whatever R says, is a go?

Ignore this other chicklet (Viv?) . She can get over it!

Plus, is not like you'll have to ever really interact with any of them after this event.

 

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3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I know R but not the others...

You are planning a bridal party for a Facebook friend. 

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well if I'm going to pay for that stuff then I'll go to the hens event. I think after all that I deserve that much lol

Your motives seem like you just want to attend a party/social gathering even if that means:

- you don't really know these gals

- you're being used by FB friend and

- putting up with FB friend's real friend's nonsense.

Also did FB friend's real friend, Viv, say that she is paying for everything at the restaurant? Or split between the girls? Or the bride will be paying? It just looks like so far you're paying for items, even if it doesn't seem too much (yet).

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Hey OP. I think @LootieTootie nailed it right on the head in that last reply.  

I am not sure if Australia is different, but I find it odd that you are invited to the church ceremony but not the wedding reception. Provided, however, that this set-up would not be weird if R was only having a few close friends/family at her reception.

This situation you have found yourself in vicariously causes me dissonance/discomfort, lol. You have barely kept in touch with R; you were then a guest at the ceremony (ok fine); then a guest at the bachelorette party (seems kind of strange considering you are not close but ok); and now you are actively planning the bachelorette party (eek!). Talk about scope-creep! 

You have a couple of options: 

  • You could come up with an excuse for not attending, such as the aforementioned "work trip."
  • You could explain to R / the bachelorette group that you did not expect to be contributing this much financially and so you can only bring items XYZ
  • You could just buy some cheap items (but be opposed to needing to buy more) and just have fun at the bachelorette party.

Oh, and buy the penis straws if you want. It is pretty clear that Viv is wrong - considering what Cat and R themselves have told you. You could let Viv know that this is what Cat and R have said if you do not want to trigger Viv.  

Other than that penis straw annoyance, I do not think the situation with Viv is that alarming, without more. You said she "had a go" at you in her (public) reply to your light-hearted penis straws comment. What did she say in her reply? 

The message that she sent to you was looking out for you, albeit in a blunt or candid way. Viv is probably under a lot of stress as she is planning a lot. She is probably indeed a bit of a "duck" too (my preferred animal insult lol), but she did try to give you a heads-up about one of R's triggers. Wouldn't it suck to intend to do something nice for R but then you send R into a panicky spiral lol. 

Viv's comments probably should not hold as much weight here - people can be rude (read: can be ducks!) sometimes. Whatever. As other posters have said, though, you should feel disconcerted about the awkwardness of being so involved (now financially) in a wedding for an acquaintance who has not even invited you to the whole event. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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There's a lot of talk/distress over Viv but I don't think she should be in your focus, OP. She sounds like she has a control freak streak and she probably would not be pleasant to deal with any manner, bridesmaid duties or otherwise.

OP, you need to focus on R. There is something wrong going on. You two are not really friends, you don't meaningfully interact, yet she invites you to her wedding ceremony (but not the reception?!) and now is trying to rope you into planning cough paying cough her hen party.

Something is not right here. How is this woman so hard up for close friends that she has to drag you, barely a Facebook acquaintance, into planning her bachelorette party? And then you're not invited to the reception? So you're expected to put in the work and expense into planning her hen party but you're not worthy of the cost of a single more place setting at the reception? 

Screw that. You're being used, big time. There's a reason why she's alone and has to use you to plan a hen party. Don't let yourself be used. 

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Where I come from, it's unusual and rude to invite someone to the ceremony without also inviting them to the reception. Otherwise, the message is, "We want your gift, but we won't include you in the celebration..."

I'd find it even more presumptuous to be asked to contribute my time and some expense toward any of this without even having been invited to the reception.

So, rude bridesmaid aside, screw that.

I'd tell bride that I've had a private issue come up and I'm no longer available for the wedding or the prep. I'd wish her best of luck and be on my way.

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11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

What is people's opinion just in general though regarding being invited to things like wedding ceremony and hens night but not being invited to the wedding? Would you consider it nice that the person wanted to invite you to this even though they probably can't afford to invite you to the wedding? Well, not so much literally can't afford but they just want to invite people who are closer to them to the actual wedding.

Here also its the other way around. Wedding ceremony(usually inside the church) is godfather and godmother, parents, close relatives, friends etc. Its usually to 50 people most. Wedding reception is just lunch that spans until late at night with lots of dishes, wedding cake, music. Its for bunch of people, usually around 200, even more. All people from church get there plus bunch of others. So being invited to first, but not for second is weird. Here you also pay for spot for second but not for first. But you never separate guests either way. Which brings me to second point

She wants you to help organize and pay for stuff at brides evening(that is what we call them here) but cant get you a seat at wedding reception? That shows that she really just wants to use you as a way to show she has friends and that you are just there out of convinience. I would think about not going just for that only. Since you are more aquintances then friends, you shouldnt have agreed in the first place. However, I think you are way too deep into this to just ditch entire thing. Except if you somehow manage to invent some really credible reason like "I am not really feeling well, it must be some virus". Though that may scare them in Covid times but they would probably not insist to come when you say that lol

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