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Upset about friend's hens


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So I'm 36 and I know this woman who is also 36. I first met her about 11 years ago and I was friends with her but not exactly close/best friend and not long. At the time she was best friends and later lived with this guy I was seeing that I was really in love with but he was just using me. I was seeing him on and off for a couple of years and friends with this woman R for the same amount of time back in 2010-2011. When I completely cut the guy off I actually also cut her off because she was his best friend and also lived with him and I really needed to move on from him. I found her a bit annoying at times but she did tell me that she has a learning disability.

I didn't speak to R in any shape or form for a few years after that. Then at some point I stalked her social media and realised she was not friends on social media with that guy anymore. I reached out and asked her if she was friends with him and she said he was a jerk narcissist and she'd ended the friendship and had nothing to do with him.

So I added her back to social media a few years ago but we pretty much never talked much except commenting on each other's Facebook posts occasionally. I'm pretty sure that in person we only  hung out only once. She's nice but socially unaware and just talks over me so I wasn't really that keen to hang out much or anything. I don't actually have any problem with her though and was happy to be acquaintances and talk or meet occasionally sort of thing.

R is getting married in a couple of weeks and ages ago she did invite me to her wedding ceremony, but not to her actual wedding. I didn't actually mind because we're not close at all so it's totally understandable. If I was free I was (and am) going to attend the wedding ceremony.

A few weeks ago R invited me to her hens' night/bachelorette party. I thought that was nice of her and RSVP'd on Facebook as going. I was just being silly and posted in the event asking: "Is there any kind of dress code? Will there be penis things?" One of R's bridesmaid's, let's call her Cat, replied nicely that penis straws are OK but nothing over the top.

Then a couple of weeks later, R private messaged me on Facebook and she asked could I help the bridesmaids plan her hens night? She has only two bridesmaids and one of them is actually in another state. She is locked in her state due to very high COVID there and borders out of her state are closed. She can't attend the hens night and possibly not even the wedding. This is the one called Cat* who does seem nice just from her online communication.

R added me to the group chat with her and her two bridesmaids. The other bridesmaid, let's call her Viv, is R's best friend but I've never met her before. This was already two weeks after I'd made that post asking about the dress code. Viv commented on it and was being quite rude. She wrote something like: "R does NOT WANT anything penis or men, she wants this to be tasteful. Please respect that." Or something along those lines. Then she private messaged me on Facebook and was like: "R is upset because I suggested going to Magic Mike male stripper show and it triggered a panic attack in her because of something bad in her past. I already overstepped so we don't want anything like what you were saying." I thought she was incredibly rude because my post was old and I had no idea about what they were talking about in that group chat like Magic Mike or whatever because I hadn't even been added to that Facebook chat until much later. I just apologised and said I didn't know all that and also deleted my post from the event and apologised in the group chat.

Then the bridesmaid called Cat actually said in the chat that yes R wants penis straws and can I get penis straws. R confirmed this in the chat. So the two bridesmaids were saying totally different things!

Then Cat asked me can I be in charge of decorations. I suggested I buy cute headbands for the guests like cat ears, devil horns and so on. They said yes that's great and that I need to buy for 15 people. Then Cat later asked me can I buy a balloon bouquet! R said yes I want one. Cat did say something like: "Thank you so much girls, you are amazing, I'm really sorry I can't be there." So OK she actually sounds nice and appreciative.

However what I'm really angry about is that Viv was so rude to me for basically no reason and went off at me even though it was HER that said about Magic Mike male strippers. Also R and I are not close at all and I feel like she's just using me to help plan the hens because her other bridesmaid can't actually come. I'm not even invited to the wedding! Also in the chat it looked like Viv is only just booking a restaurant and an arcade game bar. It didn't look like she's buying anything for the hens. But I understand as a bridesmaid she probably spent money on her bridesmaid dress and other expenses but that's not actually my problem.

Anyway I guess I'm just mainly venting. I'm trying not to be mad and to look at it from the perspective that I've been invited to the hens and wedding ceremony and it's nice to be included like that. Also maybe it's some kind of honour to be asked to help? The reason why I don't feel good about all this is because we're not close at all. If it was a close friend and I was invited to the wedding I'd spend all that money and more. It's actually not about the money but it's the fact this whole situation is weird and frustrating.

 

Edited by Tinydance
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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Also R and I are not close at all and I feel like she's just using me to help plan the hens because her other bridesmaid can't actually come. I'm not even invited to the wedding!

 

This is exactly what I was going to say. Think about it, without you, it would literally be her and Viv going to dinner and an arcade bar. Doesn’t sound like much of a night. I personally probably would have declined all of this, but you seem to have a relatively positive outlook about it. You said you feel that it’s nice to be included, and invited to the wedding, so if you feel like putting forth this effort and money, then I’d say just ignore Viv’s attitude, try and have a great time for one night, and then afterward you don’t ever have to talk to Viv. If you don’t feel like putting forth the money and effort, then bow out now to give her time to find someone else. I don’t think there would be anything wrong with that, as it’s pretty clear that you really were invited to help plan and pay. 

Edited by indea08
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1 minute ago, indea08 said:

This is exactly what I was going to say. Think about it, without you, it would literally be her and Vic going to dinner and an arcade bar. Doesn’t sound like much of a night. I personally probably would have declined all of this, but you seem to have a relatively positive outlook about it. You said you feel that it’s nice to be included, and invited to the wedding, so if you feel like putting forth this effort and money, then I’d say just ignore Viv’s attitude, try and have a great time for one night, and then afterward you don’t ever have to talk to Viv. If you don’t feel like putting forth the money and effort, then bow out now to give her time to find someone else. I don’t think there would be anything wrong with that, as it’s pretty clear that you really were invited to help plan and pay. 

Thank you very much for the quick reply! Well actually I am not invited to the actual wedding at all. I was only invited to the hens night and ceremony. There are actually about 10-15 women coming to the hens night. To be fair R did invite me to her wedding ceremony a few months ago. She also invited me to her hens night a few weeks ago so I was already a guest before she asked me to help. 

However yes I do feel like she only asked me to help because her other bridesmaid now can't come at all due to COVID and she wanted someone to help plan the hens and buy that stuff. What I don't understand though is surely out of those 10-15 women there is someone closer to her than I am? I actually would only consider myself a distant acquaintance to her. So to be honest I was surprised even to be invited to the wedding ceremony or hens in the first place. At first I thought it was nice but them started thinking if I'm just a place filler and that's all? 

Unfortunately I agreed to help with the hens before Viv was super rude to me and before I kept being asked to buy more and more things. The hens is now in one week so I actually feel super awkward to bail. So I guess I'll probably have to buy all that stuff and just act nice on the night and try my best to have a good time.

I must say also that all these wedding and bridesmaid things always seem to go sour. My best friend got married in 2012. I was a bridesmaid along with two other women. We were all supposed to be her best friends. During the hens planning one of the bridesmaids was pretty rude to me/us and bossing me around. During the wedding my friend (the bride) had horrible anxiety and began to vomit from nervousness. Her mother was really embarrassed and acting annoyed. Then in a couple of years that rude bridesmaid actually ended the friendship with my best friend, who had given her the honour of being a bridesmaid! And that woman didn't even give any good reason for it.

I don't really understand why women all of a sudden become nasty when they're in a wedding lol Seems to bring out the worst in some people.

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You're not invited to the wedding.

You aren't close with the bride to be.

^ I would've declined just based on this.

I agree with @indea08. You can ignore Viv's attitude and enjoy this. They are using you and you know it. So, might as well have fun. Just don't let them walk over you/over-use you. And, feel free to stop it if it gets too much (literally, you're doing this for strangers). Have you ladies even met?

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Just now, DarkCh0c0 said:

You're not invited to the wedding.

You aren't close with the bride to be.

^ I would've declined just based on this.

I agree with @indea08. You can ignore Viv's attitude and enjoy this. They are using you and you know it. So, might as well have fun. Just don't let them walk over you/over-use you. And, feel free to stop it if it gets too much (literally, you're doing this for strangers). Have you ladies even met?

Well I know maybe only one or two of R's other friends from the past but the one I know I found really annoying at the time so I deleted her from Facebook I think lol I don't know Cat or Viv or most of the hens guests. I did actually use to hang out with R more but this was 10-11 years ago and then we had no contact for a number of years after that. Since getting back in touch barely spoke.

I'm a little in two minds about this because R did invite me to her wedding ceremony and hens a while before she actually asked me to help. The ceremony she invited a few months ago. So initially it actually seemed like she just wanted to invite me and that was all. Then she asked me to help with hens presumably because her second bridesmaids can't come. I agreed because I didn't know Viv was going to be so rude and that they expected me to buy so many things. R asked if I could help "plan" the hens so I thought it was just the planning the event. Cat kept asking me to buy more things but I wasn't actually sure if Cat was under the impression that because I'm helping with hens that I'm good friends with R? If she thought I'm a close friend then it sort of makes sense Cat kept asking me to get stuff because she may have thought it's no big deal for a good friend.

It's a bit hard for me to actually know why these women are acting like this because I actually don't know them. Also to add we just came out of a COVID lockdown in my state and R's wedding is in two weeks or something so I'm not sure if she's super stressed out or something. 

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1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You're not invited to the wedding.

You aren't close with the bride to be.

^ I would've declined just based on this.

I agree, I would have declined. 

Don't let them take too much of an advantage by getting you to pay for everything. You don't know these women, you don't owe them anything. 

If you're happy to go along for the sake of your friend (the bride) then that's fine I suppose. Just ignore the attitudes of the other women... it's about the bride, not them. 

You say you are invited to the wedding ceremony but not the wedding.... is that not the same thing?

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32 minutes ago, Reg said:

I agree, I would have declined. 

Don't let them take too much of an advantage by getting you to pay for everything. You don't know these women, you don't owe them anything. 

If you're happy to go along for the sake of your friend (the bride) then that's fine I suppose. Just ignore the attitudes of the other women... it's about the bride, not them. 

You say you are invited to the wedding ceremony but not the wedding.... is that not the same thing?

Well actually here in Australia we usually have a wedding ceremony first and then a reception. Usually guests would be invited to both and it seems unusual to be invited only to the ceremony. The ceremony may be at a church (such as my friend's) or actually at the wedding venue itself just in the garden outside with a wedding celebrant. Then for the reception the guests would go inside the venue for the sit down meal and speeches and things. It seems my friend invited me to her church ceremony where they actually say their wedding vows and sign the marriage certificate and all that. But she didn't invite me to the reception where you sit down for a meal and watch the bride and groom dance and all that stuff. I actually didn't care about that though because we aren't even close. 

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20 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I would decline the whole thing. Tell them u don't have the money for this and then unfriend her on Facebook. 

Why let fake friends use you like that? 

I don't understand how this got to this point with someone you don't even like that much and who you have this past with.  Sure it would have been fine to attend the wedding ceremony if you felt like it but beyond that - you put yourself in a situation where you're spending significant time, effort, stress, frustration for someone you are fine just being occasional acquaintances with -why?

And you took this on even though she can't be bothered to invite you to the celebration after the wedding? I know someone like this and I've kept my distance over the last few years because she's a train wreck, always asking for $ (no I gave her none, I did give her some entrepreneurial advice) and I extended myself by introducing her virtually to a friend of mine she has tons in common with who also relocated across the country to where this person is relocating soon. 

But then she pushed the envelope again - pressuring me to invite her over to my home because she is lonely (but refused to meet me outdoors for a walk or for coffee outdoors) -something I could not do with covid and teleworking - so I have completely distanced myself and reminded myself that despite needing $ she's had enough to take a vacation to an Asian country in the last few years.  For example. 

But the thing is - I know my standards.  I trust myself not to be taken advantage of with rare exception - to see the red flags.  You basically put a sign on you that said in scarlet letters "ask me how high to jump and I'll do it".  What happened internally that you didn't see or ignored the red flags along the way? What benefits did you see in extending yourself in this way, being treated with disrespect and like an afterthought by the bride? 

I would bow out.  A bachelorette party is a luxury not a necessity.

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30 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I would decline the whole thing. Tell them u don't have the money for this and then unfriend her on Facebook. 

Why let fake friends use you like that? 

Well I actually do feel like declining now but I'm just not sure how to do it. I also feel a bit torn because the person that was actually rude to me was one bridesmaid. My friend/acquaintance herself has not been rude to me. She just asked me if I could help the bridesmaids to organise the hens. One bridesmaid Viv was rude to me for no reason and the other Cat seems nice but she kept asking me to get more and more things.

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4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I actually do feel like declining now but I'm just not sure how to do it. I also feel a bit torn because the person that was actually rude to me was one bridesmaid. My friend/acquaintance herself has not been rude to me. She just asked me if I could help the bridesmaids to organise the hens. One bridesmaid Viv was rude to me for no reason and the other Cat seems nice but she kept asking me to get more and more things.

Yes, she was rude to you.  It's rude to ask someone to undertake this significant effort and not invite you to the meal/party.  So this is what I would do. Tell her "I am feeling very disrespected by V.  I won't be able to continue planning your party at this point because it's too stressful.  Also Cat is putting unnecessary burdens on me in the planning process and I didn't foresee this level of involvement in your wedding.  If you would like to speak with V and Cat about these issues and can resolve them that's fine otherwise I'm going to bow out.  Good luck with all!"

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't understand how this got to this point with someone you don't even like that much and who you have this past with.  Sure it would have been fine to attend the wedding ceremony if you felt like it but beyond that - you put yourself in a situation where you're spending significant time, effort, stress, frustration for someone you are fine just being occasional acquaintances with -why?

And you took this on even though she can't be bothered to invite you to the celebration after the wedding? I know someone like this and I've kept my distance over the last few years because she's a train wreck, always asking for $ (no I gave her none, I did give her some entrepreneurial advice) and I extended myself by introducing her virtually to a friend of mine she has tons in common with who also relocated across the country to where this person is relocating soon. 

But then she pushed the envelope again - pressuring me to invite her over to my home because she is lonely (but refused to meet me outdoors for a walk or for coffee outdoors) -something I could not do with covid and teleworking - so I have completely distanced myself and reminded myself that despite needing $ she's had enough to take a vacation to an Asian country in the last few years.  For example. 

But the thing is - I know my standards.  I trust myself not to be taken advantage of with rare exception - to see the red flags.  You basically put a sign on you that said in scarlet letters "ask me how high to jump and I'll do it".  What happened internally that you didn't see or ignored the red flags along the way? What benefits did you see in extending yourself in this way, being treated with disrespect and like an afterthought by the bride? 

I would bow out.  A bachelorette party is a luxury not a necessity.

Well I can explain how this escalated lol A few months ago my friend invited me to her wedding ceremony. I said thank you and planned to go. I actually wasn't that offended because when I was engaged I did invite her to my engagement party (she didn't go) but I was not going to invite her to my wedding. I realised from planning my own wedding and choosing a venue and putting down the deposit that weddings are actually really expensive and you need to be quite picky with who you can actually have there. At my wedding that I'd planned the wedding ceremony was just in the garden at the venue so I wasn't going to invite anyone to that ceremony who wasn't invited to my wedding. Whereas her ceremony is at a church separate to the venue so I guess she invited more people to that. At the time I didn't mind because she didn't have to invite me at all so I considered it to be nice. It didn't seem like she wanted anything from me other than to attend the ceremony.

A few weeks ago she invited me to her hens night but I was just a guest. It was only about two weeks or so ago she asked me to help the bridesmaids. I assume that was because one of her bridesmaids is trapped in her state due to COVID and she legally cannot come to our city. When my friend sent me the message she said: "Could you help my bridesmaids plan the hens night?" I thought the key word there was PLAN. So just help plan the event like make calls etc.

Then I was added to their Facebook group chat and that bridesmaid Viv had a go at me for no reason. I asked what can I do to help and Cat said can I take care of the decorations. I said OK sure. I mean I had already agreed to help so I was meant to be doing something...?

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Tiny.

Don't allow yourself to be imposed upon. or be a pushover.  People will take advantage if they even suspect you are keen to please and be helpful.

Yes, weddings in most places consist of the ceremony as such first (church, Registry Office, Town Hall, wherever) followed by a reception, usually at a hotel or country club,, with cocktail greeting followed by dinner and the usual jovialities!

That said, I do know that in other countries where I live/have lived it is not uncommon to be invited only to the ceremony and not to the wedding reception/dinner. 

 

 

Edited by LaHermes
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2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Tiny.

Don't allow yourself to be imposed upon. or be a pushover.  People will take advantage if they even suspect you are keen to please and be helpful.

Yes, weddings in most places consist of the ceremony as such first (church, Registry Office, Town Hall, wherever) followed by a reception, usually at a hotel, with cocktail greeting followed by dinner and the usual jovialities!

That said, I do know that in other countries where I live/have lived it is not uncommon to be invited only to the ceremony and not to the wedding reception/dinner. 

 

 

Well see this is the thing...I was engaged before as I've been mentioning. My ex fiance was from another state so we actually had two engagement parties. One in my city and one in the interstate city he was from. I invited more people to my engagement party than I could to the wedding. Some people that I invited to the engagement party I was not going to invite to my wedding because we simply couldn't afford it. It cost $145 per person and the venue had a rule that you must invite 80 people minimum. We loved the venue so we decided to just invite the 80 people and that's it. A lot of the guests would be both our family and both our close friends so we had to be pretty selective. 

In the past I have been invited to some people's engagement party but not their wedding. I still thought it was nice to be invited to the engagement party if you're coming from the perspective that people don't HAVE to invite you to these things if you're not a close family member or friend.  

I'm feeling torn due to the fact that my friend herself has not been rude to me. It was specifically one bridesmaid but the other bridesmaid was not rude so much as she kept asking me to buy those things. Her communication however was friendly and she thanked me.

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Well, Tiny, it's make up your mind time! lol.

Horses for courses I say as regards weddings. 

The wedding industry is the one laughing all the way to the bank (hotels, photographers, clothes, flowers, the band(s), you name it).  The way I see it is get married (ceremony) and then go off on your travels, and believe me even these days 40.000 gbp will take you a long way and in style!

To be truthful I am not mad about weddings.  Last one we were at there were 400 guests (yes!). And many years ago I was at what was probably the most expensive wedding ever. Attended because knew groom's parents.  There were even three bands/different styles  (alternating throughout the night). The bride's father aimed to impress.  Long story short, the couple divorced just a year or so later. I don't suppose some of us were too surprised.

 

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41 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I actually do feel like declining now but I'm just not sure how to do it. I also feel a bit torn because the person that was actually rude to me was one bridesmaid. My friend/acquaintance herself has not been rude to me. She just asked me if I could help the bridesmaids to organise the hens. One bridesmaid Viv was rude to me for no reason and the other Cat seems nice but she kept asking me to get more and more things.

I think helping to organize is one thing... buying the supplies is another.

I world explain to the bride you are willing to help but not financially.

I feel like this- would I expect them to pitch in on my party? Am I a good enough friend that I do this unbegrudged? that's the deciding factor.

I understand where you're coming from.  I think I'm a little bit more willing to end friendships than you. 

I'd rather have one true friend, then a room full of part time users. 

Buy 15 head bands, a balloon bouquet and take responsibility for the supplies for a person I'm not sure I am even that cool with?  no thanks. 

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6 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Well, Tiny, it's make up your mind time! lol.

Horses for courses I say as regards weddings. 

The wedding industry is the one laughing all the way to the bank (hotels, photographers, clothes, flowers, the band(s), you name it).  The way I see it is get married (ceremony) and then go off on your travels, and believe me even these days 40.000 gbp will take you a long way and in style!

To be truthful I am not mad about weddings.  Last one we were at there were 400 guests (yes!). And many years ago I was at what was probably the most expensive wedding ever. Attended because knew groom's parents.  There were even three bands/different styles  (alternating throughout the night). The bride's father aimed to impress.  Long story short, the couple divorced just a year or so later. I don't suppose some of us were too surprised.

 

Wow 400 guests l! That is just crazy lol

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What is people's opinion just in general though regarding being invited to things like wedding ceremony and hens night but not being invited to the wedding? Would you consider it nice that the person wanted to invite you to this even though they probably can't afford to invite you to the wedding? Well, not so much literally can't afford but they just want to invite people who are closer to them to the actual wedding.

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Total madness!!

But such is the desire to keep up with the Joneses and "impress" that many get into debt (bank loans) in order to fund the big bash. And all too often the result is not very classy.

Tiny. I/we have never been to a wedding where we didn't go to the actual ceremony and then the reception.  If the person was a very close friend and explained they only wanted the parents of both, and siblings (plus spouses), and maybe some very dear aunts/uncles,  etc. at the reception I think I would find it all right. 

 

 

Edited by LaHermes
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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think helping to organize is one thing... buying the supplies is another.

I world explain to the bride you are willing to help but not financially.

I feel like this- would I expect them to pitch in on my party? Am I a good enough friend that I do this unbegrudged? that's the deciding factor.

I understand where you're coming from.  I think I'm a little bit more willing to end friendships than you. 

I'd rather have one true friend, then a room full of part time users. 

Buy 15 head bands, a balloon bouquet and take responsibility for the supplies for a person I'm not sure I am even that cool with?  no thanks. 

Yeah the whole thing now has just become very awkward. I feel like the other bridesmaid who is coming should have offered to pay for some things too but she never did. All she did was have a go at me about some total bs. She was actually left on her own to organise the hens and I stepped up to help and she was acting really rude. To be honest that was the main thing that made me angry. She's the bride's best friend and bridesmaid so why is she acting like this? But what makes it awkward is my friend herself has not been rude to me per se and she's the one who is the bride and this night is for her. I've been put in an extremely uncomfortable situation and I actually don't really know how to get out of it. Or if to bother getting out of it at all and maybe just go through with the whole thing and then forget about it.

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Posted (edited)

Also I just re-read the Facebook message that bridesmaid Viv sent me. So as I explained, I had made a post like a few weeks before asking what is the dress code and will there be penis themed things. The bridesmaid Cat replied nicely and said penis straws are OK but nothing overboard. Then all of sudden a few weeks later Viv commented something really abrupt on that post like she was having a go. Then she private messaged me and said: "R just wants to relax with us girls and she doesn't want to think about men or sex. I kind of triggered an anxiety attack when I mentioned Magic Mike. So can we please not make this about sex. This is a GIRLS ONLY night." So I apologised and said I didn't know and she was like: "Well we are on the same page and we good now." So the whole conversation was like I'd been saying all this stuff about sex and I had to beg her apology when I HADN'T. I simply asked what is the dress code and will there be penis things. I did not say there SHOULD be penis things and I also said nothing else at all. SHE was the one who said about Magic Mike but she went off at me for some really weird reason? But what adds the cherry on top is the other bridesmaid Cat asked me to actually get penis straws. And R, the bride, confirmed she wants me to bring them. So what in the actual was Viv talking about??!

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1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

and will there be penis themed things.

Crikey Tiny!  lol. Sounds madly exciting.

Gosh, this Viv person sounds like she is a bit cracked.  After all the bride is marrying a MAN, I assume.  And how does SHE know what the bride wants to think about, including sex.

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

she doesn't want to think about men or sex.

Please, Tiny, tell me what are "penis straws".  My imagination. Lol.

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2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Crikey Tiny!  lol. Sounds madly exciting.

Gosh, this Viv person sounds like she is a bit cracked.  After all the bride is marrying a MAN, I assume.  And how does SHE know what the bride wants to think about, including sex.

Please, Tiny, tell me what are "penis straws".  My imagination. Lol.

Ha ha ha Well you can get penis straws in some sex shops in the bachelorette party accessory department. When I was going to get married I actually already got some and some were glow in the dark. Basically they're straws but at the top there's a penis and it has a hole in the tip and you sip there out of the straw 😂 That is the best part of a hens party if you ask me and if all else fails I'm going to in the very least enjoy sipping out of that penis hole!

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3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I know maybe only one or two of R's other friends from the past but the one I know I found really annoying at the time so I deleted her from Facebook I think lol I don't know Cat or Viv or most of the hens guests. I did actually use to hang out with R more but this was 10-11 years ago and then we had no contact for a number of years after that. Since getting back in touch barely spoke.

I'm a little in two minds about this because R did invite me to her wedding ceremony and hens a while before she actually asked me to help. The ceremony she invited a few months ago. So initially it actually seemed like she just wanted to invite me and that was all. Then she asked me to help with hens presumably because her second bridesmaids can't come. I agreed because I didn't know Viv was going to be so rude and that they expected me to buy so many things. R asked if I could help "plan" the hens so I thought it was just the planning the event. Cat kept asking me to buy more things but I wasn't actually sure if Cat was under the impression that because I'm helping with hens that I'm good friends with R? If she thought I'm a close friend then it sort of makes sense Cat kept asking me to get stuff because she may have thought it's no big deal for a good friend.

It's a bit hard for me to actually know why these women are acting like this because I actually don't know them. Also to add we just came out of a COVID lockdown in my state and R's wedding is in two weeks or something so I'm not sure if she's super stressed out or something. 

If this is the case, maybe it’s more the “hens” who are taking advantage of you than it is the bride. You don’t know these women, feel free to set your limits wherever you see fit. “Look, I’ll buy X and Y but I’m not here to foot 1/3 or more of the bill. I’m happy to help to an extent, but that’s it.” Period. No further explanation needed. Stay in line with your own goals and only give as much as you’re comfortable with.

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