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Memory jogged about that time I stepped on a pet and she died

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I just bumped into the partner of a person I worked with a couple of years ago, who ended up being reprehensibly awful to me. Thinking about that lead to me thinking about how so much time has past I’m not angry like I was. Then I remembered how that job was the last minute job on top of many other jobs that meant I was really worked off my feet at that point in time and not giving my rats much attention and not getting done this tedious administrative task that a client kept asking for (that I had already done once and posted and the useless post system lost my mail instead of delivering it). Lead to me remembering that within a very close time frame from the encounter with this awful client one night I dragged my two old and sleepy rats out of their cage for some free time while I was home to give it to them, finally got that admin task done and as I stood up to grab the last thing from the printer I stood on Nog. I realised and got off her but it was too late, she spasmed and died in my hands and i howled like the women do in the small villages when the son has died. 

Ohhhhhhh I don’t want to remember this!

The anger might have faded but the grief is still there

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I think I remember you posting about this. So sad. 

I was recently just thinking about something similar that happened to me (or, more accurately, a poor unsuspecting mole), years ago. I had just opened my mom's garage door and started to walk out of the house through the garage. The noise of the motor and the light disturbed a little mole, who must have been out and about in the pitch dark. It ran across my path, and I stopped short and altered my path so that I didn't step on it. But then the little guy unexpectedly doubled back and ran right under my foot as I took my next step. I was already fully committed and could only feel horror as the full weight of my step came down on the little mole. That was not what I wanted. I lifted my foot up as fast as I could, and the little guy scrambled away. But I think he must have been mortally injured 😞

3 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Thinking about that lead to me thinking about how so much time has past I’m not angry like I was.

Isn't it interesting how some feelings fade over time? They seem so important and intense when you're feeling them, but perspective removes their strength. And yet others continue to burn brightly the whole time.

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Oh, that is awful. I am sorry OP. You not only had to deal with the loss but also the guilt of causing it. But, it is over. The situation happened (past tense). Your pet is at peace.

You should forgive yourself. This is a very "human" scenario that could happen to anyone. Additionally, you can take active steps so that this awful experience will not happen again. For example, you could resolve to avoid letting small pets out when you are upset. Or, you could resolve to let them out using those hamster ball tools. Or, you could plan to take some other precaution. 

If you continue to experience these ruminations, you could look into EMDR therapy. EMDR very effectively took the power and pain away from the trauma that one of my family members was experiencing. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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Oh no, the mooole, and as you were actively trying to avoid it too! You remind me, in the aftermath of my pet step death my dad told me about how his mum stood on the family budgie once with the same outcome. It is strangely consoling to know Nog has good company.

Thank you all for the support. I feel mostly back on an even keel now (grief really is like waves, it collides with you and then ebbs away) but hoooo boy in the moment, I was gone. Writing it all out here and being able to hear your perspectives helped me not get swept away. 

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