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Just broke it off....Did I make the right choice?..


takewhatuwant

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So, I have been going back and forth in my head for almost 2 months about this. I have built this up to be quite scary.. and it kinda was.. But I did it.

( Giving myself a slight pat on the back for my bravery..go me! )

But I am still feeling a lot of emotions.

Back story: Two men ( me 41 and him 39 ). Started dating in February of this year. He had just had his newborn baby girl born via surrogacy, 2 months prior. I had come back to Canada because of the pandemic, after living in Asia for 5 years. I never intended to stay in Canada permanently, but got stuck here due to Covid.

And then we met...

In the beginning it was like one big happy family. Making plans and doing all the things. My heart was full! But I always remained very open about my plans to go back to Asia ( collect my stuff and say goodbye to ppl there ) and I always encouraged us to go VERY slow because I was not 1000% sure about being a step parent. He was already overwhelmed with new born baby girl and his own life. We were going to try and stay together while I did my farewell trip back to Asia ( When Covid was contained ) and then we'd start our life.

We had all the talks.

My ex partner was very much a type A, over achiever and did not hesitate to take on challenge after challenge and fill up every possible ounce of his time. While on his paternity leave, he decided to take out another mortgage on his house, to build another house/ cabin, gamble ( and lose ) almost 60 thousand dollars on bitcoin and countless other things that would cause smoke to come out of the average persons ears from stress. All while taking on a brand new relationship and newborn baby.

I am not that guy. I own everything I have and do not want a mortgage. I work a decent job, but my life is not about " keeping up with the Jones's" as he once said. I just want to relax and have a healthy happy lifestyle. He doesn't believe in anything spiritual ("god" ) while I am a bit more on the spiritual side.. Not religion, just meditation, yoga, the afterlife etc.

You get the picture.

As you can imagine the tension began to mount. Our arguments became more frequent and more intense. They usually all boiled down to him not being emotionally available, accessible or present. He is a bit like a robot who thinks of everything like a game he can win ( Aries much ). But anyone would crack under the pressure of his life. I tried to be as supportive as possible, while also trying to get my new relationship needs met.

I was always open to the family. I was always open to life with his little girl.

However, I voiced my need for more quality time but everything started to feel a bit like a transaction. Like "you got your hour of quality time, on to the next". I was as supportive as I could have been. I learned all the baby tricks and we took a road trip and I sat in the backseat on bottle duty the entire way. I tried to be a doting parent and partner. But my needs were not entirely met. I tried to communicate them without being selfish, but it always felt like I was pushing him to his limits and it was just another added responsibility in his life that he did not need.

The straw that broke the camels back, was he has just gone to the Tokyo Olympics, two weeks ago ( He coaches a trampoline athlete ) and he has barely, if at all, made any contact. Anytime I have gotten a call, its because I kinda got a bit frustrated and he felt obligated to catch up. If it were up to him, I doubt we would speak for the entire 3 weeks. He does not post online and when we chat, its usually rushy and he's on the go to somewhere else. ( Meanwhile, I follow the athlete he coaches and she appears to have a ton of time to update everyone about her Tokyo experience ).

I feel like my needs are not being met. I voiced that i wanted him to text more and he got angry and frustrated with me.

I always feel like I am chasing him. He feels a bit robotic. He feels like he never has the time. And when he does make time, it feels like it is an obligation or chore for him to make an effort. My needing to maintain a romantic, emotional connection from him, feels like it is a burden.

So, today I said it was not working and (politely/ kindly/ lovingly) broke it off.

Did I make the right decision? ugh

I have always been the one to get broken up with so it is very new to me to have the sense to break it off. But I guess I am older and wiser;)

I don't really know. This happened today. Just thought Id write for some support.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, takewhatuwant said:

I feel like my needs are not being met

This, you keep repeating. So, is obvious.

Did you choose right?  Yes.  He was so far out of your league.  You two are far from 'compatible'.

We usually come to realize this stuff soon enough (within first few months).

Things never panned out for you & able to progress in a healthy manner,

So, you move on now.

 

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No, I don't mean that at all.  Meaning you two are so different.

Look at all of the differences... you not receiving what you felt you should.. He's going a million miles a day, etc.

So, in other words, you two were far from having anything in common really ( not compatible).  You came to realize.

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8 minutes ago, takewhatuwant said:

u mean you think I wasn't good enough for him? 

I think they meant that you and he were in completely different lanes on the road.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Also, what did he do with his baby while in Tokyo???

edit: being an athlete is very different to being a coach. Coaches have a lot of behind the scenes stuff to take care of, so I wouldn’t have been bothered about the minimal contact while your (ex) boyfriend is at the Olympics. But, your points are still valid in general and you made the right choice for you. You weren’t right for each other. 

Move back to Asia where you are really happy and your life is set up.

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

No, I don't mean that at all.  Meaning you two are so different.

Look at all of the differences... you not receiving what you felt you should.. He's going a million miles a day, etc.

So, in other words, you two were far from having anything in common really ( not compatible).  You came to realize.

Got it..I think we are definitely in different lanes!

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2 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I think they meant that you and he were in completely different lanes on the road.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Also, what did he do with his baby while in Tokyo???

Thanks for the message! I just went for a walk to clear my head and have a good cry.. Only I wasn't crying from sadness, I was crying from happiness.. Feeling relieved and happy with myself for having the nerve to end it. I have never done that before. (I know that probably sounds adolescent, but I am usually the one that stays in the wrong relationship, even long after its dead). The baby is with his mom and dad while he is in Japan.

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6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

No, I don't mean that at all.  Meaning you two are so different.

Look at all of the differences... you not receiving what you felt you should.. He's going a million miles a day, etc.

So, in other words, you two were far from having anything in common really ( not compatible).  You came to realize.

And thank you btw for the reply. This site is helpful.

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I amended my response, so you might have a re-read in case anything written there is of help.

You did. the right thing. Take some time to heal and then use the lessons you learned from this experience to build a better, more solid relationship in the future.

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7 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

 

edit: being an athlete is very different to being a coach. Coaches have a lot of behind the scenes stuff to take care of, so I wouldn’t have been bothered about the minimal contact while your (ex) boyfriend is at the Olympics. But, your points are still valid in general and you made the right choice for you. You weren’t right for each other. 

 

Yea, I get that he is busy as a coach, but I didn't need much. It was like pulling teeth! Was I being too needy to expect a little check in here and there? A little "Thinking of you" .."Miss you" every now and again woulda been nice...

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12 minutes ago, takewhatuwant said:

I was crying from happiness.. Feeling relieved and happy with myself for having the nerve to end it. I have never done that before. (I know that probably sounds adolescent, but I am usually the one that stays in the wrong relationship, even long after its dead).

then this was a decent experience. You came to realize & act within a good time limit.  NOT remain in something that was not to your needs/expectations.

In time, with experiences, we can come to learn.. for our own good 😉 

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This relationship was not going to last anyway, OP. The end was coming soone or later. 

It's quite obvious he does not have time for a relationship and is not that interested in making time for it either. You two are also incompatible on almost every level.

I don't see how it could have worked out. 

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2 hours ago, takewhatuwant said:

Yea, I get that he is busy as a coach, but I didn't need much. It was like pulling teeth! Was I being too needy to expect a little check in here and there? A little "Thinking of you" .."Miss you" every now and again woulda been nice...

In general, no, it isn’t too much to ask to have some consistent communication and to be reminded every now and then that you’re missed, being thought of, etc. 

The fact of the matter is that this relationship was making you feel bad overall rather than good, so ending it was the kindest and best thing you could do for yourself, especially so early on, before stronger attachments could form between you all. 

Always remember: if something adds [happiness] to your life, keep it. If it takes away [happiness] from your life, get rid of it. Tears of relief is a strong indicator that you let go of that which takes away from your life, so don’t doubt or second-guess yourself. Take time to heal and be excited for all the possibilities in your future.

What are your plans regarding moving back to Asia and recommencing your life there? I gather you are no longer returning for just a farewell trip as the motivating reason for that is no longer existent(?).

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Well what I was thinking reading your post is how your ex is always on the go when he's actually a single father of a baby girl? You say he's always got all these things going at once and he's doing things like gambling. Shouldn't his daughter be his number one priority? Why is he gambling and putting his and his child's financial stability at risk? Why does he go away for 3+ weeks and leave his small baby behind? If he still wants to live a bachelor lifestyle then why did he plan to have a baby? Because he had his daughter through a surrogate it's not like she was an accident or anything. Plus he's 39 years old so it's not like he's too young to be a father. I just don't understand why have the baby if he doesn't have a lifestyle suitable to be a parent. Especially a single parent.

To be honest I don't really blame you for ending it. Being a parent is a huge thing but being a step parent is even more overwhelming because biologically it's not your child. If you were going to commit to your ex and the baby then you'd need to be sure that he was really "the one". If you kept having doubts then why get attached to the little girl and let her get attached to you. Kids get attached so easily and they hurt when that person is gone, even if they can't always fully express it.

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9 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

In general, no, it isn’t too much to ask to have some consistent communication and to be reminded every now and then that you’re missed, being thought of, etc. 

The fact of the matter is that this relationship was making you feel bad overall rather than good, so ending it was the kindest and best thing you could do for yourself, especially so early on, before stronger attachments could form between you all. 

Always remember: if something adds [happiness] to your life, keep it. If it takes away [happiness] from your life, get rid of it. Tears of relief is a strong indicator that you let go of that which takes away from your life, so don’t doubt or second-guess yourself. Take time to heal and be excited for all the possibilities in your future.

What are your plans regarding moving back to Asia and recommencing your life there? I gather you are no longer returning for just a farewell trip as the motivating reason for that is no longer existent(?).

Love this response. Thank you again for your kind words! Yes, I will go back to Asia to live when I can. Currently not a possibility due to the pandemic there. 

I am grateful to honored my gut instinct and broken it off before there was more hurt for everyone involved. I agree ( and love that statement ) " If something brings yo happiness, keep it...". It really is that simple!

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5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well what I was thinking reading your post is how your ex is always on the go when he's actually a single father of a baby girl? You say he's always got all these things going at once and he's doing things like gambling. Shouldn't his daughter be his number one priority? Why is he gambling and putting his and his child's financial stability at risk? Why does he go away for 3+ weeks and leave his small baby behind? If he still wants to live a bachelor lifestyle then why did he plan to have a baby? Because he had his daughter through a surrogate it's not like she was an accident or anything. Plus he's 39 years old so it's not like he's too young to be a father. I just don't understand why have the baby if he doesn't have a lifestyle suitable to be a parent. Especially a single parent.

To be honest I don't really blame you for ending it. Being a parent is a huge thing but being a step parent is even more overwhelming because biologically it's not your child. If you were going to commit to your ex and the baby then you'd need to be sure that he was really "the one". If you kept having doubts then why get attached to the little girl and let her get attached to you. Kids get attached so easily and they hurt when that person is gone, even if they can't always fully express it.

It takes a village. He has his aunt and mom babysit for a lot of the time. He's not out there gambling his money away, but you're right, he has made some poor choices and some pretty risky financial decisions. In my head I was always thinking, "what person in their right mind decides to build a new house, with a new born baby....decides to gamble this amount of money, with a newborn baby"... and countless other choices he has made for whatever reason..all the while raising a new born baby.  Sadly, it is all to much for anyone to handle and I ended up just feeling like the nanny, as there was never really any time to cultivate that emotional, romantic connection. I tried to hold on, as in the beginning it was quite nice ( honeymoon stage ) but it fizzled out and I was left with scraps of his attention. Oh well, I am happy it ended now, with kindness and warmth, and didn't drag out for many years.

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2 minutes ago, takewhatuwant said:

It takes a village. He has his aunt and mom babysit for a lot of the time. He's not out there gambling his money away, but you're right, he has made some poor choices and some pretty risky financial decisions. In my head I was always thinking, "what person in their right mind decides to build a new house, with a new born baby....decides to gamble this amount of money, with a newborn baby"... and countless other choices he has made for whatever reason..all the while raising a new born baby.  Sadly, it is all to much for anyone to handle and I ended up just feeling like the nanny, as there was never really any time to cultivate that emotional, romantic connection. I tried to hold on, as in the beginning it was quite nice ( honeymoon stage ) but it fizzled out and I was left with scraps of his attention. Oh well, I am happy it ended now, with kindness and warmth, and didn't drag out for many years.

Well I obviously don't know this man but just reading your post I can see why you were hesitant. He deliberately had this baby through a surrogate but once he actually had her he just dumps his daughter on other people? Including on you from the start who is not even her biological family. He's the one who is her parent so it should actually be him taking care of her like 80-90% of the time. You were already stuck taking care of his daughter but he wasn't even investing that much in your relationship. Doesn't really sound worth it to be honest.

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23 hours ago, takewhatuwant said:

[Arguments] usually all boiled down to him not being emotionally available, accessible or present.

This would tell me all that I need to know. Sure, it's hard to accept when you are invested, but if your investment is not mutual, then what's to question?

Either you are willing to hold out for the kind of simpatico and mutual investment that will make you happy, or not.

You've had a taste of the misery that goes along with delaying that choice, and I commend you for opting out of THAT.

True and mutual love may be a needle in a haystack pursuit, but the confidence you can gain in going solo makes holding out for the RIGHT relationship to be a choice, not a sentence to be suffered. Once you discover that this choice is a form of liberation from lousy relationships, you will never feel conflicted about walking away from one of those ever again!

Head high, and embrace your solo Self. Once you do that, you will never let yourself down to cater to anyone who doesn't offer What You Want.

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14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This would tell me all that I need to know. Sure, it's hard to accept when you are invested, but if your investment is not mutual, then what's to question?

Either you are willing to hold out for the kind of simpatico and mutual investment that will make you happy, or not.

You've had a taste of the misery that goes along with delaying that choice, and I commend you for opting out of THAT.

True and mutual love may be a needle in a haystack pursuit, but the confidence you can gain in going solo makes holding out for the RIGHT relationship to be a choice, not a sentence to be suffered. Once you discover that this choice is a form of liberation from lousy relationships, you will never feel conflicted about walking away from one of those ever again!

Head high, and embrace your solo Self. Once you do that, you will never let yourself down to cater to anyone who doesn't offer What You Want.

Love this!.. thank you

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