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I like him way more than he likes me


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I met this guy playing beer pong at a college party 2 years ago. We immediately hit it off and he came home with me that night. Over the next few weeks we continued to hook up and I caught MAJOR feelings. Everything seemed to be there with him- looks, sense of humor, intelligence, shared interests, very similar career goals, religion, politics, etc. So I asked him out on a real date but he said he wasn't looking for a relationship at the time. Fast forward 2 years later: I've graduated college and he's still in school. We've been DMing each other on twitter every now and again. He tells me all the time how much he loves my tweets. We recently hung out in my college town and had a fantastic time together. He took me out to dinner, we watched my favorite movie, and cuddled all night. Problem is that alllll of these old feelings have came racing back. Over the last week I've become debilitatingly obsessed with him. He consumes my thoughts 24/7.

We had the "what are we" conversation and he told me that he liked me. I started feeling anxious and insecure though because I felt like he wasn't complimenting me enough. I could write pages about all the things I like about him but I didn't get the same energy back. I sort of didn't fully believe that he liked me so I started jokingly pressuring him to give me compliments, which is extremely embarrassing. I also got on his case for leaving my snapchat unopened for 18 hours, which he didn't appreciate. I was totally taken over by anxiety. I knew there was a good chance things wouldn't work out because I live 2 hours away from the college town and 4 hours away from his hometown. But at some points in the conversation he seemed open to the possibility of dating me. But once I started pressuring him he told me "I don't see this working considering there's already trust issues 2 days in. If this is any indication I think it's better that we just stay friends". I can't blame him for saying that, but it hurts. It feels like my life depends on making things work between us. I did have a moment of clarity when I texted him and apologized. I also told him that I like him more than anyone I've ever met in my life (which is pretty much true). It's been 2 days and he hasn't responded.

I feel awful. I feel like I ruined any chance I had with him. He likes me, and I know he senses a connection. I have an anxious attachment style and my impulse is to jump into things pretty fast. He likes me but maybe just wants to be cautious and take things very slow? I know that that's probably a lot better of an approach but it's still so hard to deal with because I like him and want him sooo badly! In my heart I know that long distance (2 hours) would probably not be such a great idea anyway. But I've never been in a serious, committed relationship and I like him sooo much I would do anything to be with him tbh!!!!!!

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1 hour ago, anxious_and_feral said:

I feel like I ruined any chance I had with him.

Gently, I don't think you had a chance to begin with. 

I don't mean that there is anything wrong with you, to be very clear. It doesn't mean you're not good enough for him or any such thing. But it's obvious he was treating this a casual FWB-type interaction, not something he wanted to take further. 

It is clear that there are underlying issues if all of your happiness depends on him. That's not healthy, regardless of the status between you two. Since it's not going to amount to anything more, you need to stop all contact with him and work on whatever is going on inside you that lead you to attach yourself so strongly to this person. 

 

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1 hour ago, anxious_and_feral said:

. It feels like my life depends on making things work between us. I also told him that I like him more than anyone I've ever met in my life (which is pretty much true). It's been 2 days and he hasn't responded.

You need to get a handle on this obsession.

Do you have any untreated physical or mental health issues?

You seem to have insight that you are stalking and harassing him as a result of this obsession. 

See a physician/therapist before he gets a restraining order against you.

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I have to agree with Miss Canuck unfortunately. It doesn't really sound like this guy ever had real feelings for you or ever wanted to date you. I know you like him so much and obviously you really wish he felt the same. I think you need to try as hard as you can to think logically about this and to try to really see the situation for what it is.

Your "thing" with this guy straight away started off with sex because he came to your place as soon as you met each other. There is nothing wrong with that but it started off as FWB and it seems that's all he wanted from you. Most people want a relationship so saying "I'm not looking for a relationship" actually means "I don't want a relationship with YOU". It's code for "He's just not that into you". 

If a guy was into you, you actually would not need to pressure him to give you compliments or to date you. He would want to do all that on his own. You wouldn't be anxious because you wouldn't need to be. When a guy likes you, he shows it. The reason why he said you should just stay friends isn't necessarily because you were acting anxious and pressuring him. It's because he only wants FWB and it's a bummer for him to be pushed into an actual relationship. So he used it as an excuse to reject you.

He probably does like you as a person but that doesn't mean he has feelings for you and wants to date you. I think unfortunately the best thing you can do is for your own self preservation is just to cut him off. What is the point in talking to him or sleeping with him if you want more? You're only going to get hurt if you continue.

Also I would recommend the book and movie "He's Just Not Into You". I'm not trying to patronise you but back in the day it actually helped me.

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You sound like you really need to work on yourself.

A lot of what you wrote, all these feelings and things about him, are coming from you.  You're creating this guy in your mind and you've made a lot of this into an ego thing that you have to win him over. 

There are plenty of guys you could probably find that tick off the boxes of - goals, looks, careers, sense of humor.

Of course those are attractive and important but no where near as important as how a guy treats you. 

Your priorities are messed up. you have the ability to control some of this.  It's called working on yourself.  You are making excuses to act a certain way.  like you can't help it. you love him so much.  so obsessed. you just can't live without him.  this is very immature.  

I think we all have been there. I know was.  (so embarrassed to look back at my young self!) But you gotta get your head out of the clouds. Look for a guy that likes you! That's the most important thing. 

Focus on liking you. Doing what's best for you, even when it's hard. We all want to eat desserts all day but we know we can't. Same with guys. We all want the one that doesn't want us,  but we know that's not good for us. 

You're wasting your time. 

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I think you have extremely bad case of limerence. You put him on the pedestal,  have obsessive thoughts 24/7 like he consumes your life, would do anything to be with him and think your life depends on making this works somehow. On top of that you get extremely up and arms about your feelings being not returned properly. To the point you developed trust issues after days. That in turn did draw him away. Who just wanted casual fling. That is not healthy state for you. Even if he did like you, things like that are not good for relationship and you in general. He(or any other man) cant consume your life 24/7. Nore you should depend on making the relationship work. If it works, OK, if it doesnt, well, let him go, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. The kind of mindset you have now will drive you insane if you enter every relationship like that. You need to have your own stuff, hobbies, friends. You cant be consumed by relationship. Relationship should come off as something that naturally comes into your life. Something that you make time for and slots in between other stuff I mentioned. It shouldnt completely consume it. 

I do agree that he is just not that into you. He wanted casual fling. After you got your up and arms how much you like him and wanted your feelings to be reciprocitated in the same way and got on his case about how he doesnt respond to snaps, he just detached himself. And even if you dont see it right now, that is not bad for you. You dont really need somebody like that in your life. He would never reciprocitate your feeling and in the long track it would just make you miserable. 

Edited by Kwothe28
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You turned into a crazy person, and it sucked all the air out of "what we have." If you would have been the kool laid back chick with lots going on in her life, you may have been more appealing to him....by not concerning yourself how much attention you should be getting from him, etc.

We can't say if he was into you or not. Only he can say, but being obsessed definitely contributed to him scampering away.

here's a tip: to be desirable is to be less available. People desire most what they can't have. That's how it works. But unfortunately you were the one chasing with your desire on over charge.

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6 hours ago, anxious_and_feral said:

I was totally taken over by anxiety. I knew there was a good chance things wouldn't work out because I live 2 hours away from the college town and 4 hours away from his hometown. But at some points in the conversation he seemed open to the possibility of dating me. But once I started pressuring him he told me "I don't see this working considering there's already trust issues 2 days in. If this is any indication I think it's better that we just stay friends". I can't blame him for saying that, but it hurts. It feels like my life depends on making things work between us.

YOU are just too infatuated with him.. I think you should NOT have gone there again.

If a guy doesn't show true interest within a certain amt of time, it just isn't there 😕 .

If you can handle 'just friends', is up to you to accept that.. or not?

Maybe not, in order to work on accepting you are not getting what you want with him.. Kinda like 'all or nothing'...I suggest you just walk away with some dignity.  Seriously, leave him alone now.

 

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